Page 13 of Drag You Down (Bloody Desires #2)

I shouldn’t want that. It isn’t penance if I like it.

It doesn’t take long for Father Zachariah to come out of his office. He’s wearing his usual dark trousers and light dress shirt, and his beard looks freshly trimmed.

His eyes rake over me with concern. “What is it, my child?”

I duck my head, staring down at the floor. The metal is warm in my hand, and I wish I had its small comfort around my neck.

I wish I had the weight of the watch around my wrist, too, to bolster me and give me courage. It’s ridiculous, because it’s the exact opposite of soothing when I’m about to confess that I met someone out there who is sending me gifts.

Not just someone, but another man.

It is an abomination.

My mouth is dry, and my throat is tight, and I can’t get the words out immediately.

I can’t get them out at all.

I can’t.

“I have a confession to make,” I whisper.

Father Zachariah reaches out and pats my back. “I am always happy to help you unburden the weight on your shoulders. I told Sarah to keep the kids in their rooms. We have some privacy now.”

Here, in his living room, right by the front door.

I need to tell him the truth. I can’t be absolved of my sins if I don’t confess them.

But maybe there are some sins I don’t want to be absolved of.

Maybe there are some sins I want to cling to.

“I have been having… thoughts,” I say, stumbling over my words. It isn’t a lie. I can’t lie. He’d know. Is lying by omission really a sin?

Father Zachariah peers closer at me, and his thick, bushy brows furrow. “Thoughts?” he repeats. “What kind of thoughts?”

I open my mouth to speak again, then falter.

“I wonder if God has abandoned me,” I blurt out.

“I have doubts. There’s…” I scramble to pull together thoughts I have had, thoughts that have nothing to do with my personal Devil.

“The world outside is so tainted, and I don’t understand how He could abandon so many and save so few. ”

Father Zachariah purses his lips. “We’ve spoken about doubts, Levi. They’re the first foothold of the devil.”

I’m beyond the first foothold.

I’m beyond the second, or even the third. The way I touch myself after taking penance, the Devil’s incessant interest in me, the thoughts of men, the way I’m coveting this gift, the lies, the doubts… There are so many things I think and do wrong .

“Why does He allow so much suffering, Father Zachariah?” I ask, defaulting to my old questions, questions I’ve never had satisfactory answers to.

Father Zachariah puts an arm around my shoulder. “It is as I have told you many times, Levi. God wants us all to persevere. It is not true faith if you cannot continue to believe through pain and through suffering. Do you remember the story of Job? He?—”

Before he can continue the familiar parable, somebody knocks on the door.

Father Zachariah makes a frustrated sound and lets go of me to open it.

I don’t know what I expect, but it isn’t to find Gabriel standing on the other end.

He’s wearing a maintenance uniform, with a baseball cap on his head. In one hand he’s got a clipboard, and in the other, he holds up some sort of ID badge.

“Who are you?” Father Zachariah asks warily. “How did you get in?”

“I’m Gabe March,” Gabriel says, lifting the badge up higher. “Building inspector. I got a concerned call after a fire incident last week.”

My heart threatens to beat right out of my chest as I stare at him, dumbfounded. I can’t believe how bold he is, to come into the heart of the congregation and lie to Father Zachariah.

Why is he even here?

“There was no fire,” Father Zachariah says instantly. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be talking to the building supervisor?”

Gabriel glances at me briefly before turning his attention back to Father Zachariah. He writes something on the paper on his clipboard, even though I know he isn’t actually a building inspector.

At least, I think I know that.

“Funny. Couldn’t find anyone listed as building supervisor, and the administration office number is dead. So I came to the building owner. That is you, right, Mr. Baker? Joshua Baker?”

Joshua Baker?

Who is Joshua Baker?

I blink at Gabriel in confusion, the crucifix necklace feeling like it’s searing my hand, pulsing like it’s alive.

“You’ve got the wrong person,” Father Zachariah says immediately. “My name is Zachariah Carpenter. Now leave.”

He grabs the door and tries to slam it shut, but Gabriel blocks the door with his shoulder and forces his way inside.

“Zachariah Carpenter, then,” Gabriel says, looking around. “There are some issues with the fire safety standards of the building, which were noted by the fire rescue team when they arrived.”

Another lie.

Does the weight of his sin weigh down on him like mine does?

I want to ask him why he’s here, but I bite down on my bottom lip instead.

“There are no issues,” Father Zachariah answers, and I can tell he’s growing angry. He’s always quick to anger. We all know when it’s better to drop a matter, because the consequences can be severe.

“There are issues,” Gabriel insists, smiling darkly at Father Zachariah. “Why don’t you give me a tour so I can get a good look at everything that’s wrong with the building?”

“I don’t have time for that.” Father Zachariah looks between me and Gabriel. His anger seems to melt away in an instant, the small frown morphing into a smile. “But I can see I won’t convince you to leave. Levi will give you a quick tour of the maintenance areas, then escort you out.”

I freeze.

Everything in me howls in denial at the idea of going into the basement.

I’ve been down there so often, too often, and it feels like I’m being punished all over again.

Maybe I am. Maybe this is God’s way of ordering me to repent before I’m truly lost.

Why else would Father Zachariah send me down there with Gabriel?

It’s akin to handing me over to the Devil on a silver platter. There will be nothing to stop Gabriel from taking me.

There will be nothing to stop him from touching me.

From kissing me.

From losing myself with him.

“Okay,” I say. “This way,” I tell Gabriel.

I can already feel my soul fraying.