Page 12 of Drag You Down (Bloody Desires #2)

LEVI

I ’m having a hard time parsing the words in the book I’m reading.

It’s supposed to be a mystery novel, but the descriptions seem lifeless, and the main character bores me.

I have to reread the same page three times before I figure out that a second body has been discovered, and instead of the main character, I picture Gabriel standing over the corpse, extending a bloody hand to me.

I close the book quickly. The corpse in this book isn’t even bleeding. There’s no reason I should be thinking of him.

The running water from the kitchen stops. Eve must be done doing the dishes. A few moments later, Eve comes out to the living room, drying her hands on one of the dish towels.

“I’m going to Ruth’s,” Eve says to me as she drops the dish towel into the laundry hamper we have next to the bathroom door.

“Okay.” I sit up straighter on the armchair and try to look like I’ve had a productive time reading, and not like I’ve been thinking of the Devil kissing me and tempting me into sin.

She pauses, looking at me with a frown. “Is something wrong? Ever since…” Her expression falters. “Well, you know.”

I don’t. Ever since what? Has she noticed a change since the first time I met Gabriel? The fire alarm? The last time, when I’d returned his gift from him and kissed him again?

Or because she’d seen me talking to him outside the apartment:

I must look blank, because she goes on, “The fire alarm? You’ve been acting weird.”

“No?” I say, and of course that’s another lie. I smile, hoping to ease Eve’s worry. “I’m fine. My back feels good too. Do you need me to run an errand for you?”

I shouldn’t volunteer to leave the apartment. I’d only narrowly escaped Gabriel last time—it had taken all of my will to do so.

If I did it once, I can do it again, right? My soul is strong.

But the flesh is always weak, and lately, I’ve discovered how weak my flesh truly is. Every night since that kiss, I’ve touched myself, imagining his smooth voice whispering in my ear, calling me a good boy , and I don’t even understand what’s so appealing about those words.

Of course I’m good.

I have to be good.

Except for the lying, and the temptation, and the sin.

“You just went out,” she points out. She bites her bottom lip, then toys with the hem of her dress’s sleeve. “Levi… The Devil isn’t tempting you into seeing someone outside of Father Zachariah’s flock, is he?”

My breath freezes in my throat, as if I’d suddenly been plunged into the lowest level of Hell. I clutch my book tighter. One of the pages rips.

“Why… why would you think that?” I ask Eve.

Eve tugs at her sleeve, an absent gesture she always does when she’s the one who’s nervous. She lets out a weak laugh. “I don’t know. The other day. You were so adamant that you’d drawn the Devil’s eye, and…” Swallowing hard, she hesitates before asking, “That isn’t it, though, right?”

My heart is slamming against my rib cage, threatening to break out. “No, that was… I didn’t want Mary to get in trouble. She didn’t deserve it.”

That’s an even worse lie than before.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m supposed to be pious and righteous, but I don’t want to tell Eve the truth.

Gabriel isn’t really the Devil, my traitorous mind supplies. An agent, at most. Surely the Devil wouldn’t waste time with me.

I expect Eve to look like she doesn’t believe me, so it’s no surprise when she slumps. But what’s worse is the disappointment I see in her eyes. “Okay,” she says. “I’m going to Ruth’s, then. Maybe… Maybe you should talk to Father Zachariah.”

“Maybe,” I agree tepidly.

Had anything really happened, though? I’d told Gabriel to leave me alone. Surely that’s proof that I’m holding strong against him.

Never mind that I keep remembering his hands on me, his lips against mine, and how he said he wanted to care for me.

If I take penance again?—

But with my back still injured, it might not be the lash I take. I give Eve a crooked smile. “Anyway, have fun. Remember that gossip is a sin.”

Eve frowns at me. “I wouldn’t betray your trust, Levi,” she says. “But I do think you should talk to him.” She shakes her head, turning for the door. Before she opens it, she turns back to look at me. “I will pray for you.”

“Thank you. You’re always in my prayers too,” I say, and guilt stabs me again.

I’d forgotten to pray last night.

I’d been so busy thinking of Gabriel that I’d fallen asleep before I said my nightly prayers.

Eve opens the door, and when the cringes creak, I have the bizarre urge to ask her not to go.

The door doesn’t close immediately, and when I look at her, I see that she’s crouching down in the doorway. “Levi?” she asks, standing up. “Do you—” She catches herself, then steps quickly back inside and closes the door behind her.

She’s holding a box with shiny silver wrapping paper, topped with a neat bow.

“Do you need to tell me something?” she asks. I think she’s trying to sound stern, but the words come out with her sounding bewildered, lost.

So young and innocent.

Everything that I’m not.

“What’s that?” I ask, like I don’t already know.

How had Gabriel gotten into the building? I always make sure to lock the building’s front door now, and even Father Zachariah has impressed upon everybody that we need to be more vigilant and make sure our doors are locked to outside threats. Nobody wants a repeat of the fire alarm incident.

“It’s a gift box,” she says. “There’s nothing on it, no note or anything.” She starts to unwrap it.

I get up and cross the room, my heart racing. As much as I want to snatch it away from her and refuse to let her open it, I’ve already been acting suspicious. Too much more of that, and she might end up reporting to Father Zachariah after all.

It’s another slender jewelry case with the same logo as last time. She opens it, and inside is a silver necklace with a small crucifix. It’s surprisingly simple, with a thin chain, and the crucifix is unadorned.

It is absolutely beautiful, and my fingers itch to take it.

“Who’s sending you jewelry?” I ask Eve with a shaky voice. “Father Zachariah?”

“Levi…” she replies, not sounding better off than I feel.

“This had to have cost a fortune. Father Zachariah wouldn’t have spent that on a necklace.

” Her eyes find mine, searching, and my breath catches because it feels like she can see right through me.

“Tell me the truth, Levi. Then you can repent. We can go to him together,” she pleads.

I snatch the necklace away from her and shake my head. “There’s nothing to talk about, Eve. If you don’t want it, I’ll take it.”

What am I doing?

My voice doesn’t even sound like my own anymore.

I am the corrupted version of myself, the one that covets things and people and has forgotten that Father Zachariah only looks out for us. I should want to confide in him, so that I can cleanse my soul of these terrible thoughts.

Eve recoils, and she takes a step away from me. “I think I should go,” she says, her own voice wobbling. “Ruth… needs help with the baby.”

“Yes,” I hear myself saying.

I clutch the necklace tight in my hand, the delicate silver digging into my palm.

Eve meets my gaze, and I know I’ve hurt her.

“Wait,” I say, and I hold the necklace out to her. “I’m sorry. Take it. Give it to Ruth.”

It’s mine , my mind shouts, but it’s only a necklace. I don’t need material goods.

I’m above all of this.

“No,” she says. “This is wrong, Levi.” Her eyes dart between me and the door. “You should go to Father Zachariah. He can… He can sell this, and we can buy more food.” She looks so pleading that my heart threatens to crack open.

“Okay,” I tell her.

She doesn’t look like she believes me.

“I will. Right now,” I tell her.

I feel sick.

Eve nods. “Levi… If you don’t tell him, I will.”

The betrayal that slams into me is almost more than I can stand. I stagger physically like she’s dealt me a physical blow.

I know, in theory, that she’s only worried about my soul, that she doesn’t want either of us to end up needing to take even more penance by deceiving Father Zachariah.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

She turns and walks away, and this time, the door does close behind her, the creaky hinge the only thing announcing her departure.

I stare down at the crucifix, running my finger over the raised Jesus figure hanging from the cross.

“Iesus Nazarenus, Rex Iudaeorum,” I whisper as I feel the INRI that’s familiar from every single crucifix I’ve ever seen.

I know what it means. I know it’s meant to remind us of Jesus’s sacrifice, of his victory over death.

I want to know why he chose it.

Was it only because he thought I’d like it? Or is it supposed to mean something more?

I turn it over, and I freeze as I see the small engraving on the back of it. Like the watch, it has a simple inscription: the date I met Gabriel.

Will it always haunt me?

I swallow hard. It needs to go. I need to confess.

My heart is heavy as I turn for the door, and my steps are heavier as I force myself to walk into the hall. I knock politely on Father Zachariah’s door, and one of his wives, Sarah, answers it.

She smiles at me, but it’s a nervous smile. Ever since the fire alarm, they’ve all been treating me differently.

I’d be treating me differently, too.

The Devil came for me , I’d said.

“Levi! What a pleasant surprise.” Her tone tells me it’s not. “What can I help you with?”

My words stick in my throat. “I need to speak to Father Zachariah.”

The crucifix continues to dig into my palm, the chain gathered up around it, as I keep my fingers closed around the gift.

I’m going to have to tell him the truth.

I’m going to have to tell him everything.

But what if this sin is unforgivable? What if he casts me out instead?

Maybe that would be better.

Better than being plunged into the dark, sobbing for the light.

“I’ll fetch him,” she says. “Have a seat.”

I fidget while I wait, imagining the whip digging into my back and splitting my skin open.