Page 40 of Down & Dirty (Holden Cove #1)

CHAPTER 40

SKYLAR

“ W hat are you going to do?” Elle asked me, her face scrunched up with worry, sympathy in her eyes.

I shrugged, exhausted from not sleeping and wearing an emotional hangover like a lead gown. I’d been dragging all morning and now, as the main event was about to start, I was too drained to think.

“What can I do? He thinks he’s got everything under control.”

I’d seen it in Cory’s eyes, his complete conviction that he was capable of continuing to ride, and that everything would be okay. It was hard to argue with that kind of faith. Until I thought back to the doctors’ notes, one after the other, warning him that time wasn’t on his side.

But I was supposed to be.

I was his wife. We were supposed to be a team.

“He’s at the gate,” Elle said, her voice low, anticipating my reaction.

“I can’t watch.” My stomach rolled again, the little I’d eaten already ground to dust.

“And you don’t think anyone at OTM suspects?” Elle kept her voice down. No one was near us in the VIP box she’d set up in, but she knew better than to risk someone overhearing .

I finally turned and stood beside her, scanning the line up of bikes. I spotted Ronnie and Cory first, then Kip and Tate. The OTM team almost always had all four members in the main event. Considering some of these races drew 150 contenders, and the main only had room for 22 riders, that was a big deal.

But I didn’t feel any pride about it. I couldn’t feel much of anything.

“No. He’s managed to keep it hidden for a long time.”

Elle bumped my shoulder with hers. “You even said motocross is all Cory’s ever had. It probably scares him to think about it being taken away before he’s ready.”

The gate dropped and the bikes roared to life. I braced, gripping the rail in front of us as the pack crowded into the first corner. It looked like chaos. From any distance, and even from behind the handlebars of one of the bikes on the course. But that was the beauty of those first few seconds; the chaos only lasted a fraction of the race, but what came out of it would impact every lap after.

Cory and Ronnie were both in tight inside lines, other riders hot on their backs. But as Ronnie made a move to cut past another bike, Cory eased off. I watched him, sailing over the tabletop and sweeping his back tire through the thick pile of dirt before the last corner. He wasn’t digging in, he wasn’t pushing others out of the way.

Elle’s eyebrows rose. “Is he coasting?”

Considering the pack of riders still clamoring to get by him, and the ease with which he fended them off, it was hard to see what Cory was doing as coasting. But if you knew him, knew what he was capable of, there was no way you’d miss the difference.

“I don’t know what he’s doing,” I whispered, my eyes fixed on him whenever they weren’t keeping track of Ronnie. My brother was making a play for fourth, while Cory was sat back in eighth, making no noise for the guys in front of him.

By the time the race ended, Ronnie had captured third. His eyes w ere smiling up at me even before he’d taken off his helmet. I waved down at him, and then found my parents in the crowd. My father had Micah in his arms, the two of them cheering and punching at the air.

Kip had come in fifth. Cory finished in ninth, which was still one place ahead of Tate, who’d taken a spill in the second-to-last lap. OTM claiming four of the top ten spots was still a win as far as they were concerned, and I watched from up high as the team celebrated at the end of the course.

Elle’s voice came from beside me, so much quieter than the rest of the crowd. “You gonna head down there?”

The idea of being surrounded by people—happy, energetic people—was more than I could bear.

“I think I’ll head back to the hotel. I can catch up with Ronnie later. I’m sure my parents will take him out if OTM doesn’t.”

Her eyes held mine. “And Cory?”

I hung my head, the simple sound of his name enough to fill me with too much emotion. I felt jittery. “He lied to me, Elle.”

She sighed, nodding at me until a long strand of curls flopped into her eyes. “I know. And that’s not okay. It’s bullshit, in fact. Because you deserve better than that.”

“But?” I asked, hearing the hesitation in her voice.

“But,” she paused, looking down at the riders making their way out of the arena. “There are lies, and then there are lies.” She looked back up at me. “You’ve got to decide for yourself which one this is.”

I laughed. She was a professional writer, and yet that ineloquent way of putting it was pretty perfect.

“I still hate that he did it. And even now, he refuses to let it go.”

She jerked her head to the course. “I’m not so sure your concerns didn’t factor into tonight’s performance.”

Did I really think Cory had taken it easy because of me? Because of what I’d said?

“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” she said, gathering her things . “And I’ll support you, no matter what. He fucked up. You’re the only one who gets to decide whether he can fix it.”

Cory wanted to fix it. I could see the regret in his eyes. He wasn’t defensive and he took the blame. But he wasn’t going to change his mind about racing. At least, not because I wanted him to.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, hugging my friend.

“Get some rest,” she said as she let me go.

That was my plan. My parents had already agreed to keep Micah overnight, so I texted Cory and Ronnie that I was exhausted and would see them back at the hotel or tomorrow. Ronnie, of course, only replied with the “thumbs up” emoji that he knew I hated. Cory’s text bubbles popped up and disappeared a handful of times before he finally wrote back.

Cory: I’ll see you back at the room?

Sky: Yes.

Cory: Okay. Sleep well.

If the sound hadn’t brought me comfort so many nights before, hearing Cory’s dreamy mumbling just before dawn might have scared me. I had gone to sleep alone in this hotel room, but my first reaction to hearing him was to smile. Being near him had come to mean peace and safety, and for a split second, before everything that had happened had a chance to rise to the surface, I snuggled into my pillow and relished the sound of him being so near.

My heart broke, piece by piece, as that sweetness fell away.

The medical files, the lies, the sight of Cory slamming brutally into the ground, writhing in pain...images and emotions washed over me with a fresh cruelty. And now he was lying beside me and I was afraid if I touched him, I’d hurt him.

“Gorgeous?” his whispered, voice breaking me from the spiral of my thoughts. “Are you awake?”

His voice was rough, like his throat was as tight as mine, and I couldn’t fight how much I missed him anymore. I carefully shifted closer to him, but not close enough to touch his side. I rested my head gingerly on his shoulder and he let out the longest, softest sigh, like it was the first full breath he’d taken in days.

“It ripped me apart watching you walk away.” His voice was shaking. His fingers played gently in my hair. His touch was as hesitant as mine, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed.

I wasn’t sure he was either.

My anger had not gone far, and the resentment I felt for him making this choice against everything we’d promised each other threatened to flood back in. But I had spent hours thinking about things, trying to understand him.

“It hurt me too.”

“I know, baby,” he said, curling himself around me, erasing the buffer I’d built. “We can get through this. We can make this work.” When his lips landed in my hair, I stilled. It felt so good to be in his arms, to sink into his warmth and let him hold me. “Please don’t leave me.”

How could he not see that it was him leaving me . Every time he got on that bike, he risked everything. How could he possibly not see that?

“I won’t try to win the whole thing. I won’t even go that hard. I’ll ride like tonight. Did you see me?” There was hope in his voice and I bit my cheek trying to keep from crying.

“I did.”

“I just need a few more wins. That’s it. I won’t go all out like I used to. I’ll bring it down, stay safe.”

There was no safe on a dirt bike, on a course with twenty other riders, hurling yourself over jumps and around corners designed to bre ak you down. But he saw this as a compromise, he really believed he could keep going and not lose it all.

I leaned up on my elbow, Cory’s fingers tangling in my hair, unwilling to let me go.

“How much longer?”

“Just the supercross season. If I finish well enough, I’ll bow out of the motorcross half.” He brushed his fingertips across the line of my cheek, his eyes following the trail of his touch, the desperation in them twisting like a knife in my gut. “Please, Sky. I just need to finish this on my terms. I know you’re scared. But I can do this, and then we can walk away.”

“And if you don’t finish high enough?”

He hesitated, his gaze trained on my lips. “Then we evaluate.”

The defiance in his tone told me that even asking him that had pushed too far. He wanted to win the whole thing. Backing out of the motocross season would cost him. But even one more race felt like more than I could manage.

I felt trapped. Where being with Cory had only ever made me feel free, I suddenly felt like the love I had for him was holding me in place. It overwhelmed me, making it impossible to imagine letting him go.

So I wouldn’t.

“I need to believe you,” I said, the words scraping over a raw throat. “You promised me before and you were lying.”

He shook his head and in the window light I saw tears rimming his eyes.

“I’ll never lie to you again. I was scared of you finding out. Billy is the only other person who knows. Not even Mack or Jake. I’ve blocked everyone out because I never had anyone else I trusted before. But I should have trusted you.”

My pride wouldn’t let me take him back if he lied to me again. I’d been with Tommy far longer than I should have, knowing he wasn’t being honest with me. Lying and cheating and making a fool out of me. And I wouldn’t let myself make that same mistake. “There is no third chance, here Cory. ”

“I won’t need it,” he said, pushing up on his arms, and caging me beneath him. His lips hovered above mine, sweeping gently, as he held my gaze. “You’re all that matters to me, Sky. You’re fucking everything. I will never break your trust again.”

Tears streaked down my temples into my hair as I nodded, my throat clogging with emotion.

“Fuck. I hate seeing you cry,” Cory exhaled, kissing away the tears and then moving his lips to my neck. He sucked a gentle line to my collar bone, his hips settling between mine. “I hate that I did this.”

His whispered words pushed against the wall I was struggling to keep up. He was just as wrecked as I was, the distance between us ripping us up.

“Touch me, baby,” he whispered, his face buried in my neck. “Please.”

My hands had curled into fists at my side, as if I’d been pinning myself in place to keep from falling apart. But at the sound of his words I tumbled into the wave of longing that had been looming all day.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I admitted, my voice shaking with fear. I couldn’t see him in any more pain.

A tremor worked through his body as he held himself above me. “Please, Sky. I need you.”

I carefully skimmed my hands up his sides, until he pulled back to look me in the eye, pleading with me, “You won’t hurt me, not as much as missing you does.”

He leaned to kiss me, pausing just out of reach, needing me to close the last bit of distance. I did, melting against him as his lips caressed mine, soft and gentle, before his tongue slipped into my mouth, a slow, tentative stroke as a moan rattled from his chest.

“I can’t breathe without you.”

I combed my fingers through his hair, tugging him down, deepening the kiss. I needed him too, and when my hips tilted up to feel his hard length press into my belly, my head fell back with a cry .

“I love you, Cory.”

He stilled, his head jerking back so he could look at me. “I love you too, baby. I love you so much it scares me.”

With his forehead pressed to mine, I nodded. “Me too.”

It was terrifying to be this in love, to feel like his heart beat in my chest, and I gave him mine every time he looked at me. We weren’t ourselves without each other anymore, and the vulnerability in that felt like drowning and being saved at the same time.

“Let me love you, like this,” he said, grinding his hips into me, his length running over my clit with enough pressure to make me tremble. “Let me make you mine again.”

I nodded, and he reached to tug my underwear down. Pinned beneath him, he yanked his cock from his boxers, not even bothering to take them off, as if he needed to be inside me so badly he couldn’t wait.

“You are so fucking gorgeous,” he groaned, rubbing the tip through my folds, flicking it over my clit again and again.

I was so keyed up, the emotions of the last twenty-four hours pooling between my legs and making every touch rock through me.

“Does that feel good?” he asked, his face turning red.

“Yes,” I panted, my hips tilting on their own, seeking, desperate for all of him.

“You want more?”

I nodded, biting my lip as he slipped the first inch inside and then pulled it back out.

“You’re the air I breathe, baby.” He did it again, easing into me gently, careful to keep from hurting me, going just a little farther each time. He rubbed the slick tip over my clit again as I craned up off the bed. “You’re all I have,” he ground out, slipping halfway in and pausing. “All I’ll ever need.”

I dug my nails into his ass, trying to pull him forward, but he wouldn’t move.

“Please,” I moaned.

“Forgive me, Sky,” he begged, his beautiful eyes locked on mine, fear and desperation in them ripping me open. “Please forgive me, baby.”

Cupping his face in my hands, I brushed my lips over his. “Forgiven.”

A single tear slipped from his eye before he closed them tight and sank into me. He held himself there, seated deep inside, his cock twitching as he fought for breath.

We were joined together again, the feeling of fullness, of connection, quieting something deep in my heart. But as Cory moved, driving me with his cock and his fingers toward the edge, toward the place only he’d ever brought me, I felt a new crack forming. A void opening in the middle of me, and sucking the light from the room.

Because I did forgive Cory. He hadn’t meant to hurt me. He’d lied to protect himself, and me, from a reality neither of us wanted to accept. But if he was going to keep racing, I needed to protect myself, too. Loving him wasn’t going to be enough anymore.

My orgasm rolled through me, shock waves curling me up around him as he pushed me to feel every devastating aftershock. He held me tightly, kissing me and whispering his love for me until I was boneless and spent. And then he hammered his hips, driving me into the sheets, until he caught his release and buried his face in my neck.

“ Fuck...Skylar .” He let go, his slick body collapsing on top of me, quivering in my arms. “I can’t ever lose you,” he murmured, over and over into my skin.

We held each other, chasing away the hurt and the fear with sweet loving touches. And before Cory got up to shower, I kissed him long and hard.

But when he slipped into the shower, I didn’t follow. Instead I got dressed, running a brush quickly through my hair. I called in to him that I was going for coffee, but as soon as I got to the elevator, I pulled out my phone.

I punched the name in my contacts, and held my breath while it rang .

“Hello?”

“Hi Cass, it’s Skylar Stone.” It was early, and I hadn’t necessarily expected her to pick up.

“Oh hi. I was hoping you’d call.”

I sighed, stepping off the elevator and heading for the coffee station. “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about some of the options you mentioned the other day.”

She laughed, and I could picture her pleased smile through the phone.

“If you’re ready, I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

With my coffee in hand, I took a seat by the breakfast buffet and let her tell me what roles she was looking to fill, who she knew, and how she could help me. I listened with my hand at my throat, breathing through my fear.

This might not have been what I truly wanted. It might have been as far from it as I could get. But I needed to feel secure again. I’d had that with Cory in the beginning, but the risk he was taking now had destroyed it. I knew he needed to stop racing on his own terms. I got that. But his choice affected me just as much. So, I was going to do whatever I had to do, so that no matter what, Micah and I would be okay. Without relying on anyone but myself, I was going to take care of us.