Page 5

March 31 st , 2027

“Goodnight, Daddy!" Luna and Ann hollered in unison before Lynn brought them into their room.

It was her time for bedtime stories and, after hard days at headquarters, she really enjoyed every single second of it. Nate could read her like a book and, when she entered the house this afternoon, a serious frown on her face and shoulders drooping low, he knew that she needed some alone time with the girls today.

“Don't know what you did to them over the day, but they were out cold within five minutes, Daddy." Lynn's voice sounded through their bedroom.

She turned off the overhead light as Nate had his bedside lamp on. In the glimmer of the light she could see her husband scrunch his face in disgust as response to her words.

“What?" she asked, making her way to the wooden chair where she started to strip off her clothes.

“Don't call me that."

“What?"

“Daddy. Please don't call me that. It's okay when the kids do it, but please, not you as well."

Lynn turned around, only in her bra and panties and looked at her husband in confusion.

“You don't like being a father?"

“God, no! Darling..." He slid out of bed as quickly as possible and a few steps later he was in front of Lynn, his palms holding her upper arms at the same time, strong and gentle .

“It's just..." He avoided looking at her and Lynn was sure she could see a tint of red on his cheeks.

“What is it, Honey? You know you can tell me anything."

“When the girls nap I usually read and when I was out of books, Marta suggested a few to me. All of them are romance books, which I don't mind. I love sports romance! But the last one was darker than the others and... one of the characters wanted to call his love interest Daddy during sex."

His face was completely red by now and Lynn didn't know what exactly made him so embarrassed.

“Ohhhhh...." she answered, trying to hide the smile on her face.

“I think it's disgusting, you know. I don't understand that."

“But it has its lovers. Don't judge other people's interests."

“I know. I know. It's just not for me."

For the first time in the conversation he raised his gaze from the floor and looked at her with his ocean-blue eyes. He looked like a child ready for punishment and it broke her heart that his confidence wasn't strong enough to talk about stuff like this openly. Not even with her.

“It's okay. I won't call you Daddy again."

“Are you into that?"

There was the question she knew he was fighting to get out the entire time. His monologue and explanation had been leading up to this and she was proud of him, that he managed to ask.

“No, not my kind of kink either."

The tension visibly fell from his shoulders, his tensed jaw relaxed, and he leaned forward to place a kiss on her forehead while he hummed a praise.

“But..." Lynn started when he leaned back again. His eyebrows raised, waiting for her to continue.

“I can be your cheerleader. Every successful MLB player needs someone to cheer him on. "

“And help him release the tension before an important game," Nate added, his hands wandering down to Lynn's waist while he started kissing her more fiercely.

They ended up having amazing roleplay sex, something that would have been impossible with the person Nate was a few years ago. His healing process was visible in so many different things.

But still Lynn was sad about the clear insecurities Nate showed to her today, making her well aware that even when he became way more sunshiney, deep inside of his mind he was still fragile.

In the middle of the night Lynn suddenly woke, feeling Nate’s arms tighten around her upper body. They’d fallen asleep cuddling, with Nate being the big spoon. She tried to wiggle herself free from his embrace but Nate clung onto her for dear life. It was only now Lynn realized that his arms were shaking and that his chest was covered in sweat. The wetness against her back was uncomfortable and concerning.

This time she used more of her strength, now being fully awake, and managed to roll on her stomach and out of Nate’s reach. In a swift movement she spun around on her side again, looking at her husband with a bad feeling in her gut.

Nate’s face was furrowed as if he was in pain, the arms that were holding her a few seconds ago now wrapped around his own body. His mouth opened and closed multiple times, but only grunting sounds escaped his throat. His entire body was shaking like a branch in a storm and it was more than clear that he was suffering.

Every second Lynn was forced to watch her husband in this miserable state, was like a dagger to her heart.

He hadn’t had a nightmare in months.

Carefully, Lynn scooted closer to Nate, held his sweaty face between her palms and started to circle her thumbs over his skin.

It was only now that she realized that mixed with the sweat on his face, tears escaped Nate’s eyes. The fractious movements of his eyeballs were visible even with closed eyelids, and tear after tear slipped out of them and found their way down Nate's cheeks and onto Lynn’s thumbs.

“Nate. Wake up, Honey. It’s only a dream.”

But, instead of waking up, he started to toss his head around with such intensity that Lynn struggled to hold him in place. She wanted to make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself with his tossing.

“Don’t hurt me, please. I can’t anymore. I can’t,” he whimpered and Lynn fought hard against the tears in her own eyes. She needed to be strong now, he needed her support.

“Nobody’s hurting you, Nate. It’s a dream. Wake up for me, Honey. Please.” Her voice was as tender as her emotions, but it didn’t have any effect.

“I don’t know anything. Please. Stop it. Ahhhhhh.”

The volume of Nate’s voice increased so quickly and so much that he was full-on screaming in the end. She could see his body physically reacting to whatever was happening in his nightmare.

The shaking intensified, he was crying even more, and his body was rocking back and forth like he desperately tried to calm himself.

Not only was this his first nightmare in a long time, but it was also one of the heavier ones.

“Nate, wake up. Come on. I know you can do it. I’m here. Lynn. Your wife. You are safe. No one is hurting you anymore. They’re all dead. It’s only me and you, Honey.” To emphasize her words, she gripped Nate’s face tightly and placed kisses all over it. Something that would very clearly not be part of his dream, in the hope that it would help him find his way back to reality.

“It hurts,” he whined again.

Lynn became more and more desperate, not knowing what she should do to wake him this time. Patience was never her strength when it came to Nate or the kids, but it was literally the only resource she had. Talking to him, making sure he didn’t hurt himself and trying to guide him out of the darkness. But he needed to do the major part on his own. She was only his guiding light. He had to start crawling out of the dream and back to reality.

“You’re here with your wife, Nate. Az-Zawahiri is dead. He can’t hurt you anymore. Listen to me. You are safe. You just need to wake up and see for yourself. Come on, Nate. You can do it. Fight out of this. It’s only a dream. Follow my voice. I’m here waiting for you.”

As if her words finally reached his mind, Nate’s tortured appearance slowly started to ease, only the shaking stayed.

“That’s great. You’re doing good, Honey. I’m so proud of you. Come back to me.”

And finally, when Lynn thought she couldn’t see him in any more pain, Nate slowly opened his eyes and frantically looked around him. He was clearly confused and panicking, not knowing his whereabouts. Even after scanning every bit of the room for a third time, he still didn’t calm down. It was as if his brain wasn’t processing his situation.

“Nate,” Lynn carefully said, trying to put as much love as possible into the way she said his name.

His eyes found hers and, even in the darkness of the room, she saw how red they were from crying. He also looked so exhausted, as if he had physically endured the hell of his dream.

“Where am I?”

“You’re home, Nate. You’re safe. I’m here with you.”

Instead of answering her, Nate dragged his exhausted body forward, craving Lynn’s touch. She quickly turned on her back so that he could place his head on her chest and wrapped one of his arms around her middle.

The moment his cheek touched her chest, he fell apart all over again, sobbing uncontrollably while all Lynn could do was hold him close and caress her fingertips over his sweaty back.

“Shhhh, it’s all good, Honey. You’re safe. You’re with me. ”

“It was so real. I forgot how real it feels,” he pressed out in between sobs.

Nate had done so well in his recovery. No nightmares, barely any panic attacks anymore. The torture would always be a part of him, but he managed to not let it take over his everyday life anymore. The kids had done him such good, having kept him occupied with happiness and the brighter parts of life.

This relapse was surprising to both of them and that’s why his reaction was so intense now.

“I know, Honey. But you got out of it. I’m so proud of you.”

“Why did this happen? I don’t understand. What did I do wrong? I can’t even remember when I had the last one.” Thankfully his crying had subsided slowly, although Lynn could still feel him shaking slightly as result of the physical and mental exhaustion.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Nate. These things come when we least expect them.”

“It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not.”

Lynn leaned forward and placed a tender kiss onto Nate’s curly hair, giving him the love and safety he was desperately craving. He didn’t deserve this pain and she wished she could do something to take this away from him forever. That he would be able to finally live his life in peace, without the terror of his past. But that was not how trauma works and they both knew it. All they could do was to silence the demons in his mind as much as possible, filling his heart with brightness, light, and love so that the dark moments became less frequent. But they would always linger in the shadowed corners of his mind.

“Daddy?”

Nate rose to his elbow, looking for the voice that came from their bedroom door.

“Luna? What are you doing here?” he asked, quickly wiping the tears off his face .

“We heard you scream and thought you were hurt,” Ann answered, appearing next to her sister. They were both standing in the door frame now, in their dinosaur pajamas, and with stuffed animals pressed to their bodies. It was adorable to see if you didn’t think about the circumstances of their appearance.

“Daddy’s okay, girls,” Lynn answered, giving Nate verbal support.

“But why did you scream, Daddy?”

“I had a bad dream, Little Star.”

“Did Mama make you eat broccoli?” Luna’s face contorted into a disgusted expression.

Broccoli was the twin’s nemesis. Although both of their parents had turned into pretty good cooks over the years, no matter how hard they tried to get the girls to eat broccoli, they hated it.

“No, Little Moon. Mama didn’t make me eat broccoli. I had a dream about a bad time a long time ago." Nate stretched his arms out on either side of his body to emphasize how long to the sleepy twins. "Back before I even knew your Mama."

The girls opened their mouths, looking at each other in disbelief. They couldn’t understand that there was a time when their parents didn’t know each other. For them their family had always existed like it was right now. They had no idea about the long and hard path Nate had to follow until he was in a good place, surrounded by love and happiness.

“What do you think about coming into bed with us and Daddy will read you a story? You can sleep here tonight if you want to.”

“Oh, yes!” Both girls squealed, ran towards the bed, and climbed into it.

Nate scooted away from Lynn, opening his arms to welcome the girls that headed straight for his chest to cuddle. Lynn stood from the bed, went to one of the shelves, and grabbed an illustrated children’s book from it. Then she returned to the bed and found her place under the blanket while passing the book over to Nate. He furrowed his brows because he had never seen the book before.

On the cover was an illustrated penguin standing on a beach. It had a dark blue scarf wrapped around its little neck and its wings wrapped around its body. Its facial expression was a mixture of sadness and fear.

“,” Nate read out loud, raising his eyes to look at his wife.

Lynn shot him a wide smile before she said, “I thought it was time to slowly introduce the girls to a few of your diagnoses in case something like… tonight happens. I’ve had this here for a few weeks, not expecting we would need it anytime soon. My colleague recommended the book to me and I thought we could give it a try.”

“I trust you,” Nate answered, slightly changing position to make things more comfortable for himself, Ann, and Luna.

“Are you sick, Daddy?” Ann asked, her eyes wide.

“Why do you think that, Little Star?”

“Mama said something about your diagnosis and that’s a doctor's word. She always uses this for her patients.”

At only three years old, Ann was already way too smart and they really needed to be careful what they talk about in front of the kids.

“Daddy’s not sick, but sometimes he has a hard time. Like the penguin in this book. You want to hear the story?” Lynn interjected.

Ann and Luna nodded before cuddling even closer to Nate. The man glanced at his wife with a loving look and opened the book in his hands.

“There once was an emperor penguin called Holger who lived in Antarctica. Holger was the only penguin his age that hadn’t found a girlfriend yet but he still had a happy life. Every day he was out in the ocean fishing, sliding around on his tummy in iceberg half pipes, and he laughed a lot with his friends. ”

Ann pointed with her finger at the illustration of a smiling penguin that was doing a trick in an iceberg halfpipe. She giggled and Luna joined the happy noises.

“One day, his father came to Holger and told him that he needed to find a girlfriend so that they could breed and make sure their generation would go on. But all the female penguins were already in a relationship. Thankfully Holger’s uncle had moved to South Africa to live with the Jackass penguins. Holger could go there and find a girlfriend in South Africa. Excited and happy, Holger packed his things, put his scarf around his neck, and started the long swim to South Africa.”

"Holger's scarf gonna be wet now! No scarves for swimming,” Luna said.

“Maybe he wanted to keep something that reminds him of home?” Lynn suggested. She had rolled over to her side, watching her entire world curled together on the other side of the bed.

“Oh yeah,” Luna agreed before turning her attention back to the small book in Nate’s hands.

“But traveling to South Africa wasn’t easy and Holger had to face a lot of difficult situations. He was almost eaten by Orcas, got lost near England, and he was also hungry most of the time. He wasn’t used to hunting fish in other oceans, so it was hard for him to catch food to have enough energy for the long swim. Holger was exhausted and scared, but he never gave up. And finally he reached South Africa, being welcomed by the most beautiful sunrise he ever saw.”

“Wooooooooooooow,” Ann whispered, carefully watching all the different yellow, orange, and pink colors that showed the sunrise on one of the pages.

“Can we go to South Africa, Daddy?” Luna asked.

“Maybe one day, Little Moon.” Nate smiled at his daughter before leaning down and placing a kiss on each of the girl’s heads .

“Holger’s Uncle Sven swam towards him, but when he wanted to give Holger a big and welcoming hug, Holger only flinched and screamed. Sven was shocked, but guided Holger towards the beach where he was living. Maybe it was only Holger’s exhaustion , his uncle thought, so he helped him find a place to rest for a couple of hours. When he tried to wake Holger later that day to bring him some fish for lunch, Holger was shaking in his sleep and, as soon as his uncle’s wing touched him, he started to scream. What was going on with poor Holger?”

Nate took a break to check if the girls had already fallen asleep but when he didn’t continue reading, Ann said, “go on Daddy. We want to know what’s going on with Holger.”

“Over the next few days Holger’s behavior didn’t change. When Sven wanted to encourage him to go fishing together, Holger even started to cry and babble something about an Orca. But there were no Orca’s near South Africa! Sven was very concerned about his nephew and asked around the Jackass penguins if one of them had any idea what was going on. A young penguin called Anna suggested speaking with Holger to see if she could help him. She was the most beautiful penguin living in that colony with her perfectly curved beak and her colorful eyes.”

“Pretty as Mama,” Luna commented and Nate could see Lynn smile while she was still watching them.

“Nobody is as beautiful as your Mama. She’s the most beautiful woman on the entire planet.”

“Anna’ s the prettiest penguin,” Ann interjected.

“That I can agree on,” Nate laughed.

“Go on, Daddy!” Luna commanded but only got tickled by Nate in response.

“You were the one interrupting in the first place, Little Moon.”

Luna’s laughter filled the room before Nate stopped tickling her and put his attention back to the book.

“ Hi Holger, I’ve heard you’re not feeling good? Anna asked with a smile on her face.

Everything just feels like it’s too much. I can’t even enjoy fishing anymore although I loved fishing when I was home , Holger sighed loudly, his eyes glimmering with sadness.

What changed? Anna asked again.

On my way here I was chased by an Orca and that was horrible. Now I’m so scared to go fishing because I’m scared that Orcas are already waiting in the water to eat me , Holger answered.

Oh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. But there are no Orcas here, Holger. You don’t have to be scared , Anna tried to reassure him, but Holger started to shake again, holding his wings in front of his eyes and started crying. Anna felt so sad when she saw Holger crying and she couldn’t do anything to help him. The next day she went to Sven again and told him that Holger was suffering from anxiety and that they all needed to help him.

But how do we help him? Sven asked Anna.

We need to encourage him to get out of his shell again. We need to make him feel better, make him smile and laugh again. Maybe find other activities he is good at. Maybe cliff diving could be something he would like and it would also bring him back into the water, but not too far away from the beach. But we need to be patient and not force him. He needs to heal in his own time , Anna explained to Sven and Sven agreed to do anything he can to help Holger feel better.”

“Anna sounds like a very nice and wise girl,” Lynn commented, winking at Nate with a knowing glimmer in her eyes.

“She reminds me a lot of someone, but I don’t really know who,” Nate responded, winking back at her.

Lynn had read the entire book in the bookstore already, feeling like this children’s book was made especially for them. So many similarities couldn’t be a coincidence .

A big yawn escaped Luna’s mouth and Ann had already closed her eyes and was about to drift into sleep while being surrounded by the safety of her father’s arm.

“Should we read the rest tomorrow?” Nate asked and saw Luna nod. He closed the book, placed it on his bedside table, and made himself even more comfortable on his pillow. Lynn wrapped her arms carefully around the already sleeping Ann and pulled her close.

“Hey,” Nate whined, holding Luna tighter so that Lynn wouldn’t steal their second daughter as well.

“That’s why we have two, so we can share the love of our girls.”

“Yeeeaaaaah, that’s the only reason. Not the genetic mutation or anything biologically going on in your uterus that led to two babies instead of one. Only so that each of us has a girl to cuddle.” He laughed a little, careful to not startle Luna who had closed her eyes now as well.

“Twins are not genetic mutations, Nate.”

“Whatever, the biology and doctor stuff is your strength, not mine. I was only responsible for the fun part while making the girls.”

“I remember it was as much fun for me as it was for you.”

“Touché!” Nate giggled.

“Good night, Honey. I love you.”

“Good night, Darling. I love you more.”