Page 12

April 4th, 2027

“Mr. Sheppard, you asked for an immediate session today. Is everything alright?”

“Sure, Doctor. I just… there’s just a lot of stuff going on right now, decisions to take and that stuff. I wanted to ask for some unbiased opinion on it. And I wanted to prevent myself from falling back into a pattern of overthinking and panicking.”

Nate could see how Dr. Smith tilted his head a little, his eyes wide and a sympathetic smile on his face. His gray hair was neatly pulled back into a ponytail. Nate had never seen him with his hair around his shoulders. Ever since attending couples therapy together with Lynn back in the day, after the betrayal, Dr. Smith had been his therapist of choice. He’d helped Nate through the decisions of staying at home with the girls, buying a house outside of headquarters, and starting a social life again. It was different than with Lynn because this man was a stranger. Nate knew absolutely nothing about him and he didn’t want to. It took him a while to fully open up, but now Dr. Smith was his person to contact if he ever had the feeling that he needed an opinion on something going on in his life, other than Lynn’s of course.

“Our last session was three weeks ago. What’s happened since then?”

“Marta and Oliver announced that they’re expecting their first child.”

“Oh, that’s fantastic. ”

“It really is. They've been thinking about starting a family for quite a while now.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“I’m happy. I truly am. Oliver’s been my anchor all these years and I’ve really never seen him as happy than on the day he announced that he was going to be a dad. You should have seen his eyes shining. It was wonderful to watch.”

“Your little family is growing,” Dr. Smith smiled as well.

“It is. This is great news. I can’t wait to see Oliver as a dad. I think he’ll be the best dad in the entire world. He has everything he needs for that.”

“Like you?”

“No. He’s a natural. I wasn’t. You know that; we talked about all my fears of becoming a father.”

“You were scared you’d project your anxiety and fears on Luna and Ann.”

“Right,” Nate mumbled. He averted his gaze from Dr. Smith and closed his eyes to evaluate his feelings before he continued.

“I’ve been a broken man. When we got pregnant, I was doing better, but I wasn’t healed at all. I’m still not. What if something happens to me and Lynn is alone with twins? What if terrorists find us and kidnap any of them, or even worse? What if something similar to Marta happens to us? I’d never be able to forgive myself if something happened to Lynn or our babies.”

His hands started to shake a little and he remembered his breathing exercises to distract himself from the panic. These were all past emotions, nothing to panic about today. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and started his grounding exercise.

Five things he could see.

Dr. Smith, the bookshelf in the background, the light green color on the wall, the dark brown armchair Dr. Smith was sitting in, his own boots on the floor underneath him.

Four things he could feel .

The soft fabric of the armchair he was sitting in, the slight breeze coming from the window, his soles touching the ground, a small strand of his curly hair tickling his forehead.

Three things he could hear.

Birds chirping outside, someone lawing grass far away, an ambulance horn even farther away.

Two things he could smell.

The peach from Lynn’s shampoo he’d used half an hour ago, the leather of the couch standing behind him.

One thing he could taste.

The copper tang of the blood from his nervously-bitten lip.

“Why were you panicking right now? Has anything happened to make you think your wife and kids are at risk?” Dr. Smith asked in a curious tone.

“Not really. I don’t know. I just feel like I’m on the edge a lot lately.”

“Three weeks ago you weren’t, so what’s changed? Is it because Oliver and Marta are expecting a child?”

“No. God, no. That’s not the reason at all!”

“Then what is it?”

“I was thinking of having another child. The girls are three now, so I feel like it’s the perfect age to think about a sibling for them.”

“But that’s a positive thing. Why would it make you feel uncomfortable?”

“It’s not… I…”

“Does Lynn have a different opinion on this topic?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. She wasn’t sure yet. We talked about it yesterday.”

“And now you’re scared that having a different opinions could drive you apart?”

Nate covered his eyes with his hands and took a deep breath to sort his feelings.

“No, not at all. ”

“Mr. Sheppard, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me about what’s bothering you. Right now I feel like I’m blindly shooting into a crowd, hoping I only kill the bad guys.”

“That’s a harsh comparison, don’t you think, Doc?” Nate joked as a coping mechanism.

“Mr. Sheppard.” Dr. Smith tilted his chin down, his eyebrows raising like a lecturer. He reminded Nate of one of his High School teachers scolding him for not doing his homework.

“Okay, okay,” Nate started, a smile still dancing on his lips, before it vanished rapidly as he sorted through his thoughts and feelings before starting his explanation.

“Oliver asked me to join the CIA again, but in a different position than before. No field job anymore. Although the position sounds amazing, I don’t think I’ll accept it. When Lynn and I want another child, someone has to stay at home with the baby and she loves her job, so I’ll be the one taking care of our kids.”

He watched Dr. Smith take a few notes on his clipboard before he halted his movements and stared at whatever he’d written. The silence killed Nate, as he couldn't work out if the silence was a good thing or not.

“The position Oliver offered; would that be something you would agree on in like… let’s say… 10 years? When all kids are independent enough and don’t need their dad 24/7 anymore?”

“Absolutely. This position is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. It combines being part of operations without actively being in the field and it also includes the training of new recruits.”

“So the only reason that you’re not agreeing to the offer is the hypothetical third child?”

“It’s not hypothetical.”

“Well, you said that your wife wasn’t sure if she wants another child so, right now, it is hypothetical.”

“Right now, yes, but maybe she’ll have a different opinion in a week or two. ”

Nate furrowed his brows while Dr. Smith took more notes. He’d come for advice regarding the entire situation but, right now, it felt like Dr. Smith didn’t understand his position.

“Why don’t you want to work again?”

“Pardon?”

Nate’s mouth opened, his jaw on the floor while he tried to find an appropriate answer to Dr. Smith’s accusation.

“I asked why you don’t want to work again.”

“I do want to work.”

“But?”

“But the kids… Someone has to stay at home…”

“There are millions of families out there that manage to raise perfectly happy children with both parents working. That can’t be the only reason. We've been doing therapy sessions for a couple of years now, Mr. Sheppard. I know something else is going on in your mind, but I don’t know what exactly.”

The therapist was right; he could read him like an open book.

“I’m scared going back will change me. I don’t want to change…” he whispered, his head hanging low.

“What exactly do you mean?”

“What if I’m get triggered all the time? We work with terrorists, even when not in the field. What if the anxiety comes back full force? What if I’m having nightmares every night? I don’t want the kids to witness any of that. They saw my first nightmare a few days ago and I feel so guilty.”

“You had another nightmare? After all this time?”

“Yes. It was… it was about Lynn and the kids. Az-Zawahiri… he… he got them and tortured them and forced me to watch. It was horrible.”

Tears gathered in Nate's eyes until they broke over his lashes and trailed down his cheeks. He was visibly shaking, his breaths becoming more and more shallow while he tried to suppress the memory of the nightmare. He couldn’t go through that again .

“Mr. Sheppard, you’re scared something will happen to your family. That is normal. It’s hard, but it’s normal. Every parent goes through it, some deal with it more than others. This is not related to your past.”

“How can you be so sure?” He challenged.

“Because all the nightmares you talked to me about were reliving the events of your past. Your missions as a SEAL, the capture, the torture. Your dreams were based on real events. Yes, sometimes they varied from reality, but they were still all based on what you’ve been through. The dream you just talked about is different. It’s a what-if scenario. It shows that you’re scared and your emotion is absolutely understandable. But it also shows me that you won’t be triggered by your old triggers anymore. You changed. So did your fears. That is absolutely normal, Mr. Sheppard.”

Nate looked at his hands, watching his thumb massage into the palm of his other hand while he focused on making his breathing more even. He closed his eyes and recited every one of Dr. Smith’s words in his mind.

Was the therapist right?

Has he changed in such a way that working with Oliver might be okay?

“What’s your advice on the whole situation then, Dr. Smith?” he asked and finally looked his therapist in the eyes.

“You’re ready. Take that opportunity. You said the job is exactly what you always wanted and that you’d take it without a second thought if the prospect of another child wasn’t standing in your way.”

“But that still doesn’t solve the problem of another child.”

“You want my honest opinion on that?”

Nate’s eyes widened a little before he nodded slightly.

“This third child is an excuse you made up to avoid making the decision based solely on what’s really bothering you. It’s easier to say no to an opportunity because of external circumstances instead of admitting to yourself that you’re scared of change.”

“Doc, that’s…” Nate started but stopped himself.

After more than a decade of working with different therapists, he’d always preferred the ones that talked openly to him. Lynn had been the first to do so, giving him the honest treatment as soon as he started to open up. Back then he thought it was refreshing and he hadn’t changed his mind since. That’s why he’d liked Dr. Smith from the get-go. He’d been similar to Lynn in the way he talked to Nate.

“Am I right?” He winked at Nate..

“You are, as always,” he sighed in defeat before continuing. “It’s not that I don’t want a third child, I really do. I still think it would make our little family complete, but letting that topic influence my decision of whether to return to work was completely driven by my fears. And I swore to my wife I won’t let my fears control me again.”

“So what’s your decision on the opportunity from Oliver?”

“I think… no… I know I’ll take the job and go back to the CIA.” Nate smiled at his therapist and he felt so much lighter than he had over the past few days. It had been the right decision to come see Dr. Smith.

“I’m proud of you, Mr. Sheppard. That’s a good decision. Maybe it won’t be easy to organize everything around your family and maybe there will be times where you feel you’re drifting off into darkness again, but I’ll always be only a phone call away and your wife is even closer. As far as I know, she’s a pretty good hobby therapist,” Dr. Smith laughed.

“She really is.” Nate joined his laughter before rolling his shoulders.

The mental weight he’d been carrying over the last couple of days had taken a toll on him and he was looking forward to going back home and telling Lynn about the amazing therapy session and the decision he’d made .

He knew his wife would be proud of him and support him in every way and he would do the same for her. That’s how their relationship had been from the very beginning.