Page 6 of Dancing Fools and All That Jazz

‘We need to keep this to ourselves for now,’ he say to me after our short registry office service. ‘We can’t even tell the children yet, not until I have told Rita and Terry.’

‘They will not be happy?’

‘It’s hard for them, Ingrida. They still haven’t come to terms with what happened to Maya.’

‘But, Neil, I wish to tell everyone.’

‘And we will. We just need to keep it quiet for now.’ He kiss me and held me close. ‘I’m waiting for the right moment.’

‘And right moment is when I am not here?’

‘I think it’s best to break it to them gently. They’ll be staying while you’re in Paris and with it being the same weekend as the anniversary of Maya’s death, I think it’ll go better if I do it alone.’

I have only met Rita and Terry a couple of times – they live in Devon – but I do not think Rita likes me. Also, she is not very good with the children. Grace say to me she is frightened when her nanna claps her hands together loudly many times when she wants the children to be quiet.

‘Theo, Nanna and Gramps can’t wait to see you again. They’re bringing up your birthday presents.’ Neil tells his son.

Theo shrugs. ‘What’s for pudding?’

Grace taps my arm. ‘I want to dance like you, Guy-da.’

‘Well, you must practise your ballet steps, Grace. I did very much practise when I was a little girl in Latvia.’

‘And I want to see you dance in your costumes.’

‘One day, sweetie,’ I reply.

I have not told Neil I am not in actual fact dancing in the Expression competition.

I am only the reserve. I make terrible mistake in the last competition and all my steps went wrong.

Clarissa could not hide her disappointment.

The other dancers were really kind, especially Asha and Ruby.

But I felt awful. I think it was my fault we did not come first in the North West heats.

When Clarissa ask me to dance in Paris, I said no.

But Ruby say they needed a reserve and Asha spoke to me so sweetly, in the end I said yes.

I think back to when I first joined Clarissa’s class around four years ago. I had met Hazel, Clarissa’s close friend, when I show her around St Ann’s Hospice, and we started to talk about dance.

‘Dance has been my life,’ she told me. ‘Nothing else compares to that amazing feeling of euphoria that comes with a wonderful dance routine.’

‘I also love dance. In actual fact, I dance with Latvian theatre company for few years.’

‘Did you? Goodness. Why did you stop?’

‘I had my diagnosis and was very poorly. It was not possible to continue. Then, when I recover, I make up my mind to train as nurse and I did not have time, but I miss it very much.’

‘Perhaps you would like to come and try out our dance group? All ladies. It is run by my dear friend, Clarissa. We do all sorts of dance styles; theatrical, jazz, American smooth, balletic numbers… a huge variety. You would be most welcome.’

I instantly agreed. Back then, I was a little lonely and had not met Neil.

Hazel gave me the details of the next class and arranged to pick me up. ‘There is one condition, however.’

‘Yes?’

‘You must not tell anyone we met here, at the hospice. I have not mentioned my… my condition to anyone and I do not want Clarissa finding out. Not yet.’

‘Of course, I am professional nurse who keeps confidence.’

‘Thank you, Ingrida.’

When she left, I looked at her notes and shook my head. Paldies Dievam , I recover from my terrible cancer but Hazel’s prognosis, it is very bad. I vow then to keep Hazel in my prayers every day.

Clarissa’s dance ladies, they were very friendly and soon make me feel at home. Clarissa compliment me on – how did she say it? – my lyrical balletic style. I could not go to every class as some clash with my hospital shifts, but I went whenever I could.

But I have made big decision. Tonight, I will tell my dance friends about our marriage. I know Neil, he say we must keep it quiet but I want to share my happy news. After all, we must only keep this secret from Rita and Terry.

I imagine myself saying to Clarissa, can you please change the words on the Paris programme from Reserve: Ingrida Valenko to Reserve: Ingrida Goodman.

Yes, that is right. I am now a married lady; Mrs Goodman.

I got married two weeks ago. It was only a very small wedding…

I will not say we got cancellation at the registry office.

Clarissa and all the ladies will clap their hands with delight and rush to congratulation me.

Now it is the end of the class, and I do not feel so enthusiastic. The dancing has been full of energy but there is not the usual happy talking.

‘What on earth is up between Monica and Ruby?’ Bonnie says in a quiet voice to Cath and me.

‘There is a terrible atmosphere.’ Asha joins us as we change out of our jazz shoes.

‘Ruby was so late, and so flustered.’ Cath shakes her head.

‘Monica did not pick her up,’ Asha tells us in hushed tones so Ruby – sitting a few benches away – could not hear.

‘Why ever not?’

‘I have no idea.’ Asha, she glance over at Ruby. ‘I heard her trying to ask Monica why she had not replied to her messages, but Monica would not answer her. In fact, she would not even look at her. She seemed so angry…’

It is true and I think Monica, she put her anger into her solo number.

She dance with a big passion. Clarissa said it was scintillating – I like this word.

We all applaud her at the end, but she did not even smile.

She left as soon as the last dance finish without changing her shoes.

She did not even stay for the stretch out.

Ruby stands to leave and Asha crosses to her.

‘Ruby, what has happened with you and Monica?’

Ruby shrugs and looks a bit tearful, so I offer her a tissue.

‘Maybe there has been misunderstanding?’ I suggest.

Ruby, her lips tight, refuses the tissue.

‘If you ask me, Monica was downright rude.’ Fay joins us. ‘She did not even acknowledge Clarissa’s accolade. I mean a gracious response was all that was needed, or perhaps she is veering towards immodesty, having received this kind of tribute on numerous occasions…’

‘Oh, shut the fuck up, Fay.’ Ruby pushes past us and rushes out of the studio.

‘Well.’ Fay’s eyebrows are knitted tight, and she puts her hands on her hips. ‘That just about sums up Ruby’s proficiency with the English language…’

We quietly turn away and pack up our things.

‘…It is a well-known fact that swearing is the laziest form of verbal expression…’

Fay peters out when she realise no one pay to her any attention.

I know Fay, she read many books – her work, it is in a library – and she is very precise. I listen to her English to make mine improved. I think, however, it would be better if she did not seem to be so cross when others do not speak as she would wish.

Sometimes I wonder if it was wise idea to ask Fay to join in our dance group, but I feel sorry for her.

I bump into her in the library and recognise her from Neil’s church – I join soon after I became his live-in nanny – but I know she stopped going when she and her husband divorced.

Neil told me Andrew had married another lady in the congregation and there was a big scandal over what did happen.

I decide I would not mention the church when I spoke to her at the library desk.

‘Hello, can you help me please? I am looking for a book with ballet steps?’

‘Fiction or non-fiction?’

‘I want to study advanced ballet movements, to make mine better.’

‘Non-fiction then. Follow me. As it happens, I love ballet. So, you are a dancer?’

‘ Ja , I went to ballet in Latvia when I was little girl and once danced with a theatre company.’

‘How delightful. I used to dance in my university days. Are you in a dance troupe here?’

Before I know it, I tell her about our classes and invite her to Clarissa’s group. I expect her to say no as I thought she was just showing polite interest, so it was big surprise when she say yes.

Fay has good musicality. Her steps, they are very exact but she is sometimes, how-you-say, a little stiff in her movements.

I think it is reason Clarissa put Fay at the back, behind Monica or Asha.

I thought I would get to know Fay much better once she joined the class but she does not really speak with me.

I am sorry the dance does not seem to make her a happier person, unless she is a happier person inside and does not show it?

I watch Fay as she marches across the dance studio towards Janine, who is sitting with the money tin. Fay has a big purpose in her step.

Clarissa, who I do not think has noticed the falling out with Ruby and Monica, claps her hands to get our attention.

‘Ladies, please remember to check you have your passports ready and completed the paperwork required for the Paris trip. Yes, Ingrida? Do you want to say something?’

I open my mouth to announce I am now married and will soon have to get a new passport with my new name, Ingrida Goodman, but I do not get a chance to speak as we turn to look at Fay, who has started to shout.

‘Your bookkeeping is all wrong, Janine. First, I do not owe any more money and second, I need a refund of six pounds and thirty pence.’

Janine looks as if she is going to cry, and Clarissa holds up her hands in air.

‘Ladies.’ She does not look at Fay. ‘We are lucky to have Janine’s help after she kindly stepped in to sort the finances when Hazel became ill. We all know Janine is doing her best and we are grateful for her efforts.’

I thought Janine would look at Clarissa with grateful eyes, but instead she has turned bright red and she mumbles an apology to Fay before she rummages in her bag for change.