Page 15

15

What’s Real and True

Caspian

I have the sinking feeling we’ll need something much stronger than water to get through this conversation. Pretty sure there isn’t a man alive who doesn’t sweat bullets when he hears some variation of those words— ‘We need to talk’.

Annalise is silent beside me, and I take a breath, wondering how deep she intends to go, how deep she intends to dig . Because as much as I’m trying to turn over a new leaf, there are still things I’m not ready to discuss with her.

Well, namely one thing I’m not ready to discuss.

My illness.

She swallows, then casts a hesitant look my way. Pretty sure I’m meeting her with the same anxious energy.

“So, I suppose I’ll just come right out and ask it,” she says. “What changed?”

The question is vague, but I don’t have to wonder what she means. She’s asking about the Consort Elects, and my stance on them being my mates.

Yep, now would be a great time for Vodka.

“That’s… a damn good question,” I say with a nervous laugh, pushing a hand through my hair while I think of how to begin.

However, overthinking shit hasn’t worked out all that well for me in the past, so…

“I had my reasons for being so adamant about my initial plan,” I say, hating every second of this. Embarrassed doesn’t even begin to cover it. “But then Aunt Pen came into town that fateful night, bearing good news I didn’t even realize I needed. Good news I was almost too stupid to take advantage of.”

My thoughts go back to those nights I toiled over news that the agreement between my father and I had never been made official. I was so bound by my duty to him that I nearly forfeited my duty to someone else.

Annalise.

“Good news?” she asks.

I turn toward her, feeling like I fall deeper with every glance into her large, brown eyes.

“Yes. My plan to take multiple mates wasn’t just some haphazard plan I cooked up in the middle of the night. It was something my father and I both deemed necessary in the moment.”

Listening to myself, I’m sure I’m only confusing her more.

“Father became obsessed with fortifying our bloodline, and… I suppose some of that obsession transferred onto me. For a while, it was all I could think about, all I cared about. Until it wasn’t.”

I breathe deeply, admitting to myself that this obsession only faded when I found a new fixation.

Her .

“The plan was for me to focus on producing multiple heirs. My father was preoccupied with the idea of Dimitri somehow inheriting all that responsibility, and it… terrified him.”

Annalise purses her lips together as if to hold back whatever’s on her mind.

“What is it?” I ask.

She hesitates again, but when I arch a brow, curious what she has to say, she speaks.

“Well, based on my interactions with your brother, I can’t blame your father for being terrified. You speak as though the goal was to spare Dimitri the burden, but I have a feeling your father was more concerned with sparing the clan whatever hell they’d experience if Dimitri were to inherit that type of authority.”

I’m silent. While she isn’t wrong, I admittedly have a hard time accepting that my brother is as much as a loose cannon as others have pegged him to be. But truthfully, our own father saw it, so there’s no denying it. My brother’s heart is usually in the right place, but his hotheaded nature makes him a liability.

Admitting this, I’m racked with guilt. Releasing the Consort Elects solved one problem, but simultaneously created another. When—not if —my condition progresses, that nightmare scenario, the one where Dimitri is suddenly in charge, will inevitably become reality if I don’t come up with a better plan in the meantime. Yes, having named Annalise Alpha Regent means there will be some checks and balances, but Dimitri’s title and affiliation with the bloodline will likely trump the authority that’s been bestowed upon Annalise. Particularly in the eyes of the elders, and our male-dominated clan. Annalise would fight tooth and nail to ensure justice for our people, but in the end, I’m not sure it would be enough.

“Your father was obsessed with shoring up your bloodline,” she says. “But why? Was there cause for concern or were these just irrational fears at play?”

My stomach twists in a knot. I don’t want to lie, but I’m equally as against telling the truth. I’m aware of her gaze narrowing the longer I hesitate.

“All I’m at liberty to say is… he had his reasons.”

Her stare persists, but to my surprise, she doesn’t press for more detail. Maybe sensing that this is somewhat of a delicate subject.

“You were loyal to him,” she observes.

I nod. “I was. Maybe to a fault.”

My thoughts deepen, and I can recall the many times I should have rebelled, but my innate sense of duty wouldn’t allow it.

“I know what I’m saying doesn’t make things entirely clear, but I just need you to understand that my decision to bring the Consort Elects into the estate was never about ego, or thinking I was too much man for one woman , as some have said. It was actually never about me at all,” I add, feeling breathless as I explain. “But… I’m man enough to admit that I’m guilty of letting that rhetoric go unchecked in the past. I suppose it was easier than explaining the truth.”

I’ve never said those words out loud, confessed to letting the outsiders believe the lie.

“Since we’re being honest, can I ask another question?”

My heart skips a beat, but I owe her this conversation, and so much more. “Of course.”

She turns her entire body to face in my direction where she’s seated on the step beside me. “You know my stance on how women in our quadrant are handled. Does it bother you to know that, even with rumors of you being on an ego trip, their guardians still clawed their way to deliver their daughters and granddaughters to your doorstep?”

There isn’t even a hint of maliciousness embedded in the question. Only genuine curiosity.

“It has,” I say with a nod. “But at the time, their willingness to comply served me well, so I turned a blind eye, compartmentalize the shit out of the entire plan.”

She smiles when I laugh, but it’s a dark sound. One riddled with embarrassment, shame. I’m not proud of who I was, nor am I proud of how long it took me to come around. But somehow, even with these emotions swirling inside my head, I’m more comfortable sharing these things with her than I ever imagined I would be.

“Rumor has it, the women’s guardians stormed the estate one morning.”

I don’t miss the cheeky grin on her face.

“There truly are no secrets in that place,” I mumble, smiling to myself. “It’s true. But as you can guess, they were more concerned with how my actions would impact their status than they were with the Consort Elects’ wellbeing.” I chuff a laugh, remembering one’s proposal. “It was even suggested that I personally see to it that each of the women are paired with noblemen.”

I glance toward Annalise, and to my surprise, she isn’t nearly as amused as I expected. Instead, her eyes slip from mine as she fidgets with her fingernails.

I have no idea what I’ve said or done that pulled her out of this moment with me, but I’m desperate to get things back on track.

“What is it?”

I stare at her, blinking as I wait for her beautiful eyes to find mine. Then, when they do, there’s an emotion swimming in them that’s hard to read.

“You’re gonna think I’m crazy,” she says with a chuckle.

“I could never think that.”

The look softens as she seems to realize I mean those words from the bottom of my heart.

“It’s just that… you don’t know what it’s like,” she says. “No, marriage and motherhood shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all for Clan Centauri women, but unfortunately, for most, we’re made to feel as though that’s all the world has to offer. It’s instilled in us from a young age that our worth is hinged upon these two facets of life, and most buy into it. Some genuinely desire it, while others simply see no other way, but… such a public and swift rejection by any male within the clan could ruin a woman’s chances. But a rejection from the alpha?” She pauses, shaking her head. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re sent to The Vale within the year.”

My mind is flooded with harsh imagery, flashes of The Vale—a clan-neutral territory set aside for women discarded by their families for various reasons. And unfortunately, being deemed unfit for betrothal is one such reason.

I consider Annalise’s words. She’s one of the few who hasn’t blindly bought into our clan’s traditions, but they exist. And in some instances, adhering to tradition is the lesser of two evils. In this case, being forced into loveless unions would be a less dreadful future than being forced into a life of servitude.

“I hold no affection in my heart for any of those women, but… right is right.”

“Are you suggesting that I meet those demands? That I make it my burden to find them husbands?”

Annalise shrugs. “Well, actually, you sort of made it your burden when you changed your mind after bringing them here.”

Her voice is gentle, sweet, but she still has a way of getting her point across.

“Noted.”

She doesn’t press, but I’m certain she’ll be watching to see whether I’m a man of action or just one who talks a good talk. So, I make a mental note to at least consider her suggestion, that in their own way, the Consort Elects are victims to our societal snares.

“It wasn’t easy for me, you know.”

I’m pulled out of my thoughts when she speaks, confusing me with the vague statement.

“Most days I was angry at myself for being angry,” she admits. “I wanted to let you in, but I couldn’t bring myself to lower my guard. Not with you. Not when being vulnerable with you blew up right in my face.”

My gaze lowers when I can no longer meet her stare.

“I missed you and hated you all at once.”

“As you should have,” I interject.

It dawns on me that I’ve explained why I chose the Consort Elects, but not why I ultimately decided to let them go.

“I meant it,” I say with a deep breath. “When I told you I’m in love with you, that wasn’t some piss-poor attempt at softening your heart toward me. I’d profess my love every moment of every single day, even if your only response was that you want nothing to do with me. Because I’m completely and undeniably insane for you, Annalise. You are the reason I released the others. Only you.”

Her eyes are steady, focused so intently on mine.

“I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting you by moving forward with the others. Especially knowing I will only feel what I feel for one woman. Ever.”

Her eyes glisten in the sunlight, fresh tears threatening to spill over.

“When I lie down to rest every night, my thoughts are on you,” I admit, taking a breath before admitting more. “I’ve never been the romantic type, but I swear I’ve imagined what it would be like to take you as my bride so many times it’s fucking laughable.”

She cracks a smile, wiping an unshed tear from her eye. “You’re lying.”

“Don’t you get it yet? I will never lie to you, Annalise. Nor will I do any other stupid, shameful thing that would cause you to hurt another day of your life. That’s my vow to you.”

I’m not sure when I got so bold to take her hand into mine, but I’m clutching it as my heart races.

Her smile widens, and I’d give a limb to know what thoughts are dancing around inside that beautiful mind of hers.

“You seriously imagine our wedding?”

“Imagine it? I fucking fantasize about it.”

The laugh she belts out is completely worth laying my shit bare. I’ve come to realize that I’m obsessed with making this woman happy, which is why I immediately notice when her smile fades a little.

“What is it?”

She peers up, forcing herself to seem lighthearted again, but she isn’t fooling me.

“I know we’re just talking hypothetically,” she says. I don’t correct her even though she’s dead wrong about that. “It’s just that… the idea of it scares me a little.”

Not the response I expected.

“The idea of marriage specifically? Or is it the Unity Rite as well?”

She considers my question before answering. “I suppose the Unity Rite has always felt like more of a means of making a couple’s bond publicly known within the clan, but marriage has always felt… heavier .”

I catch myself staring at her instead of speaking.

“Well, when you commit your life to someone, shouldn’t it feel that way? Shouldn’t we feel the weight of the commitment, reminding us of what’s at stake? What we stand to lose if we’re not mindful?”

She shrugs, deep in thought. “Yes, but…”

Her voice trails off, but I’m desperate to hear what she’s thinking. “You can speak freely with me.”

She stares at me for several seconds. Then, my reminder seems to be enough to ease her mind.

“Again, speaking hypothetically,” she rushes to say. “If we were to ever take a step like that, how do I know I’d be safe with you? How do I know my heart would be safe with you?”

I’m heartbroken that she even has to ask, but I brought this on myself. There’s no one else to blame for her skepticism but me.

“Annalise, you have my word that I would put your happiness above all else. Even my own happiness.”

Her gaze lingers on mine, and I can only hope I’ve gotten through to her.

“You say that, Cas, but we both know you have to put the clan first. How can I be sure you won’t go back on your word? How do I know you won’t change your mind and decide to call the other women back to the estate and finish what you started? And how?—”

“Your pain is my fault,” I cut in, gripping her chin so I don’t lose her. “What will it take to convince you I’m not that man anymore?”

Her eyes water again, and it fucking breaks my heart when she speaks.

“Time.”

Time—the one thing that cannot be rushed.

“I’m committed to giving you that,” I say with a nod, “because I love you, Annalise. With everything in me.”

Her lower lip quivers, and I’m tempted to bring her into my arms, tempted to squeeze her.

Tempted to kiss her.

But just as quickly as the thought enters my head, the soft heat of her mouth presses against mine, and I’m not sure I haven’t conjured this in my imagination. But when her hands rest on either side of my neck, drawing me in closer, I know this is real.

As real as my commitment.

As real as my love for her.

And it definitely doesn’t get more real than that.