Page 11

11

Consider Me

Annalise

Face-to-face, his stare intensifies, and I swear the night air is suddenly heavier. I try to imagine what he’ll say, try to imagine what was so pressing that he called out to me. Especially with it being entirely possible that I won’t stick around to hear him out.

But maybe I’m not hiding the truth all that well anymore—that the ice is beginning to thaw.

“I can’t take this anymore.”

He steps closer, and I draw a shaky breath, listening intently to every word.

“Trust me, I know that’s probably not the right thing to say, seeing as how I’m the cause of all that’s broken and screwed up between us, but I’m… I’m a fucking mess,” he admits. “I’ve said it before, but it’s all I know to say—if I could take back every shitty thing I’ve done, every terrible thing I’ve said, I would. In a heartbeat. But I can’t.”

My heart picks up speed, and while frustration is definitely among the feelings battling for dominance within me, it certainly isn’t the only thing I feel.

“What is it that you want from me, Cas. I can’t just… blink my eyes and pretend everything between us is suddenly right.”

“Nor would I ever ask you to,” he rushes to say. “All I am asking for… is a chance.”

His voice seems softer, maybe because he feels unworthy of that—a chance.

My forgiveness.

There’s a weight on my chest, and I’m not sure why, but now there are tears stinging the corners of my eyes, too.

“Allow me to court you. Properly,” he adds. “Let me show you how I should’ve treated you all along. Let me prove to you that I’m not the worthless piece of shit you have every right to believe I am.”

He laughs quietly, and I smile despite wishing I had it in me to remain stone-faced, but I can’t help it. I want to let him in, but the idea of it has me scared shitless.

What if he flips again?

What if he makes another fucked up decision, only to later justify it because of his title?

Can I ever really trust that he even knows what it means to love?

Sure, yes, he says he feels it, but there’s only one way to know for sure. And that’s to let him show me, like he’s asked to do.

There’s a long breadth of silence between us. It’s during that quiet moment with the breeze moving through the trees and over my skin that I realize I’m not as strong as I’d been weeks ago.

I take a deep breath, staring straight into Cas’s eyes as a single tear slips down my cheek.

“I don’t trust you,” I say coldly. “And I deserve so much better than how I’ve been treated here.”

He lowers his head as my words seem to get through to him, which is exactly what I wanted. He needs to not only hear them, he needs to feel them.

“I made up my mind to let whatever I held in my heart for you die. Because I didn’t think you were worthy of it and, if I’m honest, I still don’t know, but… I don’t… hate you.”

That admission leaves my mouth through gritted teeth. It was difficult to say, because for so long now, I believed he deserved my hatred. But as we stand here tonight, with little more than a foot of space between us, I’m not so sure anymore.

“I know you’d like a definitive answer right away, but the best I can do is tell you I’m considering it.”

The smile that curves his lips twists my stomach in knots, seeing the pure excitement blossoming inside him. He’s suddenly got the courage to take my free hand, and I don’t pull away when he leans in slowly to kiss it.

“You once said that you didn’t choose me,” he says, and I feel the sting of those words as if I’ve just said them. “However, I intend to show you that I am, in fact, worth choosing, Annalise.”

I swallow deeply, having a sudden change of heart. It’s frustrating how badly I want to give in, how badly I want to tell him I’ve changed my mind and don’t need time to think. Because I already know he’s what I want.

“May I walk you to your room?”

His eyes flit toward the basket I’m holding, then back to me as I nod. “Yes. That’d be fine.”

He doesn’t hesitate for even a moment before taking the basket from my grasp, and then our steps fall in sync as we start toward the estate. There are no words exchanged as we make the trek to my bedroom door, and once we reach it, I glance toward the floor, immediately thinking of the many uncomfortable nights he’s spent sleeping there, hoping to prove a very clear point.

That he wants to make things right, and he doesn’t intend to give up until he’s done exactly that.

He follows me into my room, but only to place the basket on my settee. My attraction toward him is alive and well, which is evident when I can’t take my eyes off him as he crosses the threshold again, stepping back into the hallway. I don’t miss how his bicep tenses when he cradles his tux jacket in the bend of his elbow, but I force my gaze back to his eyes. He’s so damn handsome. Unfairly so. But, while I’m relieved he knows better than to assume he’s welcome to linger in my space, I’m equally certain I’d prefer for him to stay.

“I’m going to my quarters, but only to change,” he says. “I’ll return shortly.”

My eyes narrow when he speaks, because I’m taken aback. I assumed his pursuit had drawn to a close after making his request to court me in the garden, but it seems I was wrong. Apparently, he isn’t going anywhere until he’s worn me down completely. It’s when I find myself fighting a smile that I realize his persistence is paying off, and his plan might just be working.

I offer a shallow nod, but nothing more than that. “Okay.”

Pursing my lips to suppress the smile threatening to betray me, I grip the edge of my door to close and lock it. Only, before I get the chance, Cas leans in and, all of a sudden, I’m breathing his air.

He kisses me.

Not the deep, passionate kind that tends to leave me weak in the knees. This kiss is soft, and it’s gentle, warming the center of my forehead.

My lashes flutter closed at the feel of his lips lingering on my skin. It’s been so long since I’ve felt him this close, and I… missed this.

Shit. I’ve missed it so fucking much.

He pulls away, and only now do I open my eyes, focusing on his face, the sincerity I find there.

“Goodnight, Annalise.”

His sultry tone lingers inside my head, and while I’m still hanging on those simple words, he turns to leave, nodding toward both my guards when he passes. My eyes trail Cas all the way to the corner where he disappears, and only now do I take a breath.

Behind the closed door of my bedroom, my mind races as I slowly gather a pillow and spare blanket from my bed. When I reopen the door, I pass a distracted smile toward my guards. I can only guess what they’ve made of the strange arrangement between Cas and I as I place the neatly folded bedding on the ground. However, their judgement is inconsequential at this point, because it’s become clear to me that I no longer care what others think. Unlike Aunt Geneva, I’m perfectly content with the who’s who of New Eden thinking I’m insane. And, to my surprise, I’m beginning to suspect Cas has come around to this thinking as well.

Before I can overthink things and talk myself out of taking action, I quickly scrawl a few words on a piece of paper, then open the door. Again, I feel both guards’ gazes on me as I place the sheet on Cas’s pillow before retreating into my room, bracing myself against the wall.

I’m overcome by a strange mix of fear and hope, but history quickly reminds me to carefully manage the latter. I’m scared to feel too much too soon, but with how my heart’s racing, I’m afraid it may already be too late.

Of all the ways I saw this night ending, of all the possibilities… facing my feelings for Cas head-on was certainly not one of them.