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CHAPTER 15

CRESSIDA

A tlas and Joaquin were both out to the world.

I was still holding on, invested in the show even though I'd already watched it all. When I had my apartment, it ran on one of the few channels I had.

There was something addicting about it. Or maybe I was seeing it with new eyes this time.

My door pushed open a bit.

Kim stood in the doorway, and I released a breath when the glow of the TV highlighted his despondent face.

"You want to join?" I whispered. They'd gotten me a bed that was even bigger than a king so we'd fit. Maybe even Lake if he wanted to join us.

Kim stepped into my room, taking in Joaquin and Atlas with big eyes. "I wondered where everyone was." When he looked at me, there was stark longing written on his face.

Carefully pulling away from Joaquin, I rolled over, facing the edge of the bed. In his sleep, Joaquin shifted his arm to cup the top of my ribs and underside of my boob.

I glanced down as a riot of butterflies took off in my stomach. All I'd ever wanted were these boys, just like this. Doing simple things, having quiet moments away from the world.

Now I had it. I just never realized all I had to do to get it was take it. Joaquin made his stance known, but he was scared. Atlas and I had even talked about it before he woke Joaquin up today.

Atlas was right. The slightest push in the right direction and Joaquin showed what he truly wanted.

Just like Kim's desires were right there on the surface as I held my arm up.

"Want to be the little spoon?"

He thought for a minute, then raised the covers and climbed in, facing away from me. He sighed as I fitted my knees to the back of his, pressing my nose against the nape of his neck and hugging his chest. The familiar sweet scent of his conditioner filled my nose, bringing a sense of nostalgia that was tinged with only the slightest bit of heartbreak.

Kim placed his hand on my forearm, holding me firmly against him.

"I miss you." It was my confession in the dark.

"I miss you too, Beasty."

"I'm sorry," I said so quietly, I half-hoped he didn't hear it. But he did.

"For what? We're the ones who should be apologizing to you,” he whispered.

"No." I snuggled tighter against his back and Joaquin flexed his hand. I bit my lip at the curl of heat in my lower stomach. There was a time for sex, and that wasn't now, no matter how much my body loved being surrounded by them.

"Kim...I'm sorry I hurt you before. I thought I was doing the right thing."

His body strung tight as a drum, and I thought he was going to turn around. He didn't. "Don't apologize for that. I-I wish–" He stopped.

I breathed him in, letting him figure out if he wanted to talk more or not. "I wish you'd stayed away, Beasty." His voice broke.

I knew he felt that way, yet it didn't stop the words from slicing down the center of my heart. "I don't. I'm glad I got to be on my own for a little while. It showed me I could do it, that I could make it if I needed to, but I'm glad Lake came back for me. I'm even glad..." I choked a little on my words, but I wanted him to know how sure I was. "I'm even glad I got mixed up with Stevo."

That was a hard pill to swallow. Was I glad for his death? No. But I also realized that he placed me in danger, and something terrible would have happened to me if Lake hadn't come for me.

If I hadn’t met Stevo at all, I might not have my boys, and that was incomprehensible.

"I'm just sorry for how I left. I won't hurt you like that again, Kim. I promise."

He shuddered in my arms. "What if we can't save you, Beasty?"

"You shouldn't be thinking about saving me. We should be working to save each other. That's all I ever wanted, you know. To be a part of you four. I always felt like I was on the outside. When I stayed with you before, and even this time. You all were so close, with all these inside jokes and information about each other, and I didn't have any of that."

Kim sucked in a shaky breath. "I didn't know, Beasty. If I would have..." He threaded his fingers through mine and pulled my hand over his pounding heart. "I would have made sure to make some with you. To do things that were just you and me, and not like I did before. When we spent time together, I was still afraid of you."

I grinned. I didn't remember Kim being afraid. He had just been shy.

"What about now? I want these kinds of moments with you." I kept my voice low, not wanting to wake up Joaquin or Atlas.

Kim was quiet for a minute. "I'm afraid, Beasty. I don't want anything like what happened with Lucas to happen to you."

"It won't," I promised.

His head moved against the pillow. "You can't know that."

"You're right, but I promise to be smart about where I'm going, and who I'm with. I think this also shows some weaknesses in Lake's security plans. You have to know it’s a problem to fix it."

Lake was driving himself insane trying to eliminate all the weak spots. I glanced at the door. I wished he'd show up and ask to join us.

"I don't know."

"I do know. And I want this–you four–too bad to accept anything less." My voice hardened. "I won't be pushed away because your egos can't stand the uncertainty. I'm tired of having decisions made for me. I don't deserve that and it's not your place to make them."

At that, Kim twisted, and I straightened out my legs so he could face me. He held both of my hands between us, his forehead almost touching mine.

"We just did what we thought was right."

"You thought wrong," I countered.

A sad smile swept over his face. "Maybe."

"I want to be here. Let me,” I pleaded. “I want to be a part of your family."

He lost his smile. "You are our family, Beasty. The heart of it."

Funny, because it felt the opposite. Kim was the heart, Lake the head. I wasn't sure how Atlas and Joaquin fit that analogy, but they were just as vital. Me? I was a random toe. So far away from the core and unnecessary really. If the toe was chopped off, the body functioned just fine. Maybe there would be a little ghost pain every now and then, but of no major consequence.

"You are." He smoothed hair behind my ear as he leaned forward to press his lips to mine. "I wouldn't like living without you. I'd hate it. But I could if I knew that you were happy."

"But I wouldn't be, Kim." I gave him a hard look. "I would be miserable. Lonely. I'm just now starting to understand what it means to be a part of something. What it means to have a home that's mine. Would you really take that away from me?"

He sucked in a harsh breath. "No, Beasty. I would never do that to you."

I placed a kiss on his mouth, sucking his bottom lip between my teeth and nibbling just a tiny bit. "Thank you."

Pulling back, he eyed me. “What about all the things we do that you don't like?”

This was a conversation we should have all together. I'd changed. I knew it was hard to believe in such a short time, but there were some events that remade a person's beliefs. The boys getting taken was mine.

"Lake was right." Would Kim even know what I was talking about? "He told me that you have to be prepared to do whatever it takes to keep your loved ones safe. At the time, I didn't get it. I started to understand before you were taken. And now, that's a truth seared into my soul. I would burn the world down to get you back."

Kim dropped his gaze as if he couldn't stand to look at me anymore.

He scooted closer, hugging me even with Joaquin's arm between us.

"I don't want you to change, Beasty. I would never ask that. But I also love this particular change, even if it scares me to death."

I laughed against his chest.

"Do you want to watch the show with me?" We'd watched so many movies together when I was with them before. I missed his quiet, yet funny commentary.

He twisted to glance at the screen. "Really, Beasty?"

"Really. It's a good show."

He settled on his back with an arm under my head competing with Joaquin's. I imagined most people would find this position uncomfortable, but to me, it was perfect.

It was my childhood dream come true. Doing something so mundane yet so magical. As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't help thinking again, I wished Lake had joined us.