Page 45

Amos

“You’re going back tomorrow?”

I asked, sad that Tommy was leaving so soon.

“Yeah, I want to spend some more time with my grandma before I take another job. So, what do you think of the article?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s good. And you didn’t make it sound like I was saving the team or anything like that. Jake is a good coach. I wouldn’t want him to think I was trying to overshadow him.”

Tommy smiled at me. “Yeah, that’s what I figured…”

I crawled over and pushed Tommy back on the bed. “So, if you’re leaving tomorrow…”

I said, causing him to laugh.

“Yeah?”

“Well, you know… maybe we could do a repeat of last night?”

“Oh I’m up for that, but first… Amos…”

He paused for several seconds until I lay down next to him. He looked over at me and sighed. “I… I think we need to go at this smart. I don’t want to be the reason you lose your job for good. If word gets out that we’re dating… well, I mean you’ll be coming out of the closet and only one other player in the NFL has done that, and his team was… well, understanding. Yours isn’t.”

“I’m tired of hiding,”

I said and stood up to get a bottled water out of the mini fridge. “I want my life back.”

“And what?”

Tommy asked. “You’re done with football?”

I shook my head. “No, of course not… but if I’ve learned one thing from this summer, it’s that my interaction with football can be what I make it. I don’t have to be in the NFL to be happy.”

“You’re in the prime of your career, Amos… Don’t just throw it away without thinking about it.”

“Now you sound like my dad,”

I said, and although I wanted that to sound funny, my frustrations betrayed me.

Tommy sat up, looking sad. “There’s a lot to consider here, Amos, too much. So, this time I’ll pull back. Let you have some time to think, to figure out what you want. If you can get traded to a more understanding team, maybe…”

“Or maybe I just want to make decisions myself,”

I said, cutting him short.

Tommy stood up and pulled me into a hug. “I love you, Amos. I have never stopped, and I want you to make those decisions for yourself. But, if I’m in the middle of your life, I know you well enough to know you will be making those decisions based on me and my role with you.”

He leaned up and kissed me, then sighed. “If…”

he paused and played with his keys. “If you want to take this further, then maybe this fall, when I come back to interview the team and watch them play their first game, I… well, then we can talk about what’s next… okay?”

I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted him to stop being so fucking rational and stay with me. Give us a chance. Instead, he kissed me again before he left.

My heart was broken. Tommy had left me again… even after we’d cleared the air. After we’d both made love, he’d left me… again.

Summer camp was ending, and Ford, a friend I’d met a few years ago in New York, had invited me to come visit. Ford was friends with Erissa and, as such, knew how to keep my secrets. He and I had even fooled around a bit, but nothing more than kissing. Then he found the love of his life, Dorian, a Broadway star who sang like an angel but could be a total diva-demon when off the stage.

Ford and Dorian were on the outs, and Erissa felt sorry for me when I told her I was stuck in the middle of Nowhere, New Mexico, so I think she’d set all this up. Of course, I knew Ford and Dorian would never break up. I’d seen them together enough times to know their love burned hot but still burned long.

I could use some time out of the desert though, and maybe making Dorian jealous would cause the relationship to get back on track. It’d helped before.

I shook Jake’s hand and teased the boys, telling them I looked forward to coming to their first game. “Y’all make me proud now,”

I said as I left and noticed a few of the boys seemed emotional that I was going.

Damn, that felt good. Few people, other than my brother and mom, seemed to care about me. Yeah, plenty cared about my ability to play, but seeing these boys emotional around me…? Well, that… was different.

I thought of Tommy but shook that out of my head. I couldn’t be holding onto him. He’d been right in some ways, I guess. I mean, he wasn’t wrong. I probably would’ve tossed everything away to be in a relationship with him. But, I’d gone the entire fucking summer with little communication between me and the team.

Erissa had pushed the issue a few times, but there were only crickets. “We’re going to have to get the attorneys involved,”

she said last time we talked.

“Do what you gotta do, but Erissa, I’m tired of all of this. I did some stupid drag on a stupid cruise ship.”

“You did it in college too…”

She reminded me of Tommy’s college article that’d come out a few weeks earlier.

“So, I mean really, who cares?”

She sighed into the phone. “Well, you know who cares. They haven’t pretended otherwise, but regardless, you have a contract, and they are obligated to honor it.”

“Do you think they’re trying to get out of it?”

“We’ll know soon enough,”

she said. “For now, go to New York and have fun. No drag shows though… Just you and your friends going to some shows, maybe a few parties… Just have fun. That’ll make it look like you aren’t worried. Trust me, the NFL will get a black eye for what they’ve already done to you. My guess is, if it looks like you aren’t worried, that’ll reflect badly on the team. So, go have fun, but you know… not much fun.”

I laughed. “Okay, pretend like I’m the partying football-playing bachelor, but not the gorgeous diva I am.”

Erissa snorted, in spite of herself. “Whatever. Tell Ford I said hi,”

she said and hung up.

I thought about texting Tommy, then decided to call my brother instead. “Hey, I’m going to fly into Houston tomorrow and have time before I fly to New York the next day. Wanna hang out?”

“Yep, but you know you should come home…”

“Nope, I’ve had all I want of Dad’s attitude. It’s bad enough I’m dealing with a homophobic football team. I’ll face Dad when I’ve figured out what the hell is going on with my life…”

“Okay, okay,”

Josiah said. “You can stay with me, and I’ll drop you off at the airport the next day.”

I wondered why Jonah didn’t mention Saram.

I’d get to the bottom of that tomorrow.

For now, I needed to get some rest.

I’d tossed and turned way too many nights since Tommy had left.

It seemed everything was up in the air.

How the hell was I supposed to figure out what to do with my life? Not that I was making many of the decisions in my life right now.