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Amos

My mind swirled as Tommy left. I couldn’t grasp my feelings. Did I love him? I loved him; he was my brother. But, no, I’d never felt that kind of attraction for my brother, thank God.

I wanted him. Having him in my arms, even though we were both drunk, felt like magic. I wanted to kiss him, nuzzle into him, and breathe him in, but it was Tommy, not a one-night stand. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t treat him like that when I didn’t know my own mind.

As I watched him leave, my heart died. I might not understand what was happening emotionally or sexually, but I did understand I was losing one of the most important people I’d ever known.

I went out to find him shortly after he walked out, but he was nowhere to be seen.

I texted him, but he didn’t respond.

Tommy, don’t go, okay? Come back, and let’s talk this out.

Still no response.

By noon, I was getting worried, so I texted Owen.

Me: Have you heard from Tommy?

Him: Yeah, he got a ride back from San Antonio with his cousin. What happened between you two?

Me: Long story.

I asked when he’d be ready to go.

Him: I won’t, at least not for a while. I’m riding back with my date from yesterday.

I cussed. I was hoping at least Owen could help me navigate the emotional shit.

I drove back to campus with a slight hangover from the night before, which didn’t help my mood.

When I got back to the fraternity, I went directly to the room, but I could tell Tommy had come and gone. He’d already taken most of his stuff with him.

I didn’t hear from him for a week, but when he finally returned my texts, he said he was coming to get the rest of his stuff.

I tried calling him, but he didn’t pick up. He did text again.

Him: I’m sorry, Amos, I’d prefer not to face you yet. Okay? I just finished my last class, and I’m hitching a ride to Corpus Christi. I’ll spend the rest of the summer down there and work stuff out in my head. I’m sorry, but it’s too much for me to deal with right now.

I tried to call him again, but he ignored the call and my texts.

Owen was no help. He called me a dumbass and said I needed to get my head out of my ass before I lost him for good.

I tried to text Tommy off and on over the rest of the summer, but he ignored me. I was excited when the fall term was about to start because I was sure we’d reconcile then.

I called Owen to ask about him, and Owen hedged. “Yeah, buddy, it isn’t good. He took that whole thing really bad.”

“Why won’t he let me talk to him? I could at least apologize.”

“I’m not sure you apologizing again would help matters much…”

Owen shook his head and sighed. “It seems he’s pretty hung up on the fact that you keep apologizing.”

I knew it. I guess Tommy was a home with a white picket fence kind of guy. He wasn’t one to settle for less. I already knew that about him.

Late August, when the semester started, I combed the halls looking for him but had no luck. Finally, I went into Owen’s room and said, “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on with Tommy.”

Owen’s room was turned upside down. He pointed to the bed and said, “Help me move this over there.”

I stared at him the entire time. He made me move a couple of other heavy items until we could sit down. Then he motioned to the empty chair as he sat on the unmade bed.

“He’s not coming back, at least not this semester.”

I jumped up. “What? You’re telling me this now after making me move your damned furniture?”

Owen held up his hands.

“Dude, calm down.

I just found out myself.

He met some hotshot journalist in Corpus Christi this summer, and they hit it off.

The guy recruited him to do an internship with a magazine up north.

He didn’t know if he was going to take it until they offered a job after he graduates.”

I quickly forced the jealousy down. It wouldn’t do to lose my shit until I knew everything Owen did.

“Because you forced us to go to summer school with you, he’s got enough credits to take the semester off and still graduate next May.”

“Why do they need him now and not the spring?”

Owen laughed. “Because it’s football season. The magazine is sports-related, and they want to see how well he can cover the season.”

I shook my head. “He hates football… Well, maybe he doesn’t hate it, but he’s pretty neutral about it.”

Owen looked at me funny before he got up to start unpacking again. “What?” I asked.

“Nothing, just need to finish cleaning this room up. Don’t you have to unpack?” he asked.

“Nah, they didn’t paint my room, so I didn’t have to do any packing. It’s the same as before we left summer school.”

Owen shrugged and kept cleaning. “Owen, I know you have something to say, so say it!”

Owen stood and said, “You don’t know shit about Tommy, do you?”

“What? What does that mean?”

I asked, fighting back the desire to call Owen a dumbass for even suggesting I didn’t know Tommy. Of course, I knew Tommy.

“He came to every one of your fucking games. He scrupulously documented your plays and kept track of your strengths and weaknesses. The fact that you don’t know that is why he isn’t here right now.”

Owen turned away from me, took a huge box off a shelf, and tossed it on the bed.

He turned back to me angrily and said, “You’ve taken Tommy for granted since you met him.

He crushed on you the first damned time he saw you.

He let you take the limelight and sat back, nurturing you all the years we were friends.

But you sit over there and say shit like he didn’t like football.

Truth is, I don’t know if he liked it or not.

That wasn’t the issue.

He liked you; then he loved you.

Then he gave up, and that was more about saving himself than anything.

I’m not mad at you for not loving him back.

That’s just emotions, and we can’t feel what you don’t, but taking him for granted sucked to watch. Now he’s gone, and it isn’t just you that lost him. I have too.”

Owen started throwing clothes out of the box onto his bed before he finally turned back and said, “You fucked up, and that’s something you’ve got to come to terms with.

Nothing I say is going to fix that.”

Owen went back to unpacking, and I could tell I’d been dismissed.

I slunk back to my room and brooded.

Finally, I wrote a long email to Tommy, apologizing for being a jerk.

I told him I was happy about the internship and hoped it worked out for him.

“When, or if, you can forgive me, I miss you and would like to reconnect.”

I ended the message and sent it off.

I never got a response, and my heart broke when I finally realized I’d tossed everything away by my indecision and fear of committing to my sexuality and, more importantly, to my friend.