Page 78 of Charming Like Us

I haven’t considered that before. Maybe I’m adventurous because the idea of never exploring anal sex bums me out.

But I don’t tell Oscar that. What if he’s saying he’d rather not ever go there with me? I rest my elbow on my knee, my eyes roaming him. “Do you not like it?”

“I love it, but I’d never pressure someone for anal or make it essential.” He scratches his eyebrow. “Alright, honestly, I’ve never been in a relationshipwithoutit, but Farrow has.”

“With Moffy?”

Again, Maximoff doesn’t talk about hissex life, but I’m realizing that Oscar knows because of Farrow, and now I feel like apryingfan. Quickly, I add, “Don’t answer that.”

I really don’t need to know.

Oscar nods once, then says, “When did I realize I was into guys?” He repeats my earlier question.

“Yeah.”

“I was fourteen. Every summer, I went to this boxing camp in Upstate New York. There was this guy a year older who I couldn’t get over.” Oscar stares off with a grin and a laugh in remembrance. “We hooked up in Cabin 3 on the last day of camp.” His eyes focus on mine as he clarifies, “We blew each other, nothing further. And ever since then, it was apparent for me that I was attracted to guys. It took me roughly another year to figure out that I was still attracted to girls too.”

A knot is in my chest. “Do you think it’s strange that I’m twenty-seven and just going through that? What you went through at fourteen?”

“No,” he says with raw conviction. “Everyone has their own timeline, Highland. Yours just happens to be now and not back then.”

I ingest his words like liquid courage.

“And if anyone gives you hell for it in your lifetime or invalidates your feelings because they knew their sexuality for longer—don’t listen to them. They can’t tell you who you are. The fact that they’re trying to says more about them than about you.”

I breathe that in. “Were you nervous about coming out to your family?”

He scrunches up his face, almost to say,sort of.“I was more nervous about coming out to friends. I didn’t really think my parents would have a problem since they were adamant about joining the LGBTQ-friendly church. So I came out to them when I was sixteen and asked this boy out from high school—my first boyfriend.”

I nod, but my stomach cramps in a way I didn’t expect. I try to hold onto his assurance aboutno timelines, but I feel behind. Maybe the overachiever in me is recoiling. “Were they happy?” I wonder.

“Oh yeah, my mom loved Ryan Kruger. He ended up being a D1 football player, then got drafted to the NFL.”

Ryan Kruger.I bite down hard to keep jealousy at bay.

“My dad loved him too,” Oscar continues, staring off in thought. “But like I said,physical prowessmeans more to my family. It doesn’t matter what gender you are. They only have an issue if you’re too delicate and can’t lift a fifty-pound weight. My dad wants all his children with athletes who can take a hit.”

I try to expel a breath. I am an athlete. But I’m not sure if I can take a hit.

What are you worried about, dude?It’s not like Oscar wants me to meet his parents. But yeah, I’d want to be liked by them. Accepted. Welcomed.

When he first brought up his parents valuing physical over mental skill, I was fuckingnervous.I just kept thinking,they won’t like me.I attended an Ivy League. I’m a documentary filmmaker. A producer. I can’t punch worth shit. All my trophies are for art, not athletics.

Though, again, I was a college athlete.

It seems like my onlyininto the Oliveira family. Then again, swimming is a non-contact sport.

Oscar is studying me too much, so I ask, “How’d your friends take it? You said you were most nervous about them knowing you’re bisexual.”

He rubs his knuckles. “Yeah, all my close friends in high school were straight. I was afraid they’d treat me differently. Some did. I wasn’t invited to hang out withthe guysanymore; if I brought up dating, they were suddenly not interested. Other friends stayed the exact same.” His mouth curves upward. “Those are the best. They still make the same crass jokes, still ask about who I’m with—even if it’s a dude.”

I smile off his smile.

He holds my gaze. “You know it wasn’t until I went to college that I had friends who weren’t straight. I joined LGBTQ clubs, learned more about gay culture, and I also learned something important.”

“What’s that?”

“Some people will tell you you’re not ‘gay enough’ or ‘bi enough’ or ‘this enough’—that you don’t do X,Y, and Z—and even when you think you’re around the most inclusive people, someone will try to set requirements and a checklist that you feel like you need to complete to be accepted.”