Page 16 of Charming Like Us

Or marriage.

Or kids.

That part of my life is starting to be an astronomical who-the-fuck-knows. I blink and picture Oscar, and my heart rate jackhammers.

I inhale and try to stay calm. “My job always has weird hours,” I remind her. “I’m gonna call Jes—”

Another voice is muffled in the background. I switch lanes again while my mom turns her head to look over her shoulder.

“Ano ho?” My mom sayswhatin Tagalog to the other person in her house. She speaks more in the language.

I figure my Lola—my mom’s mom—must’ve woken up. She’s lived with my parents ever since I was a kid. I hear her ask what’s going on.

“Utoy?” my Lola questions, using a Filipino term for Jesse which meanslittle boy.

I can’t hear their exchange until my mom moves closer to her phone and tells me, “Call me back if he doesn’t answer you. Ten more minutes and I’m waking up your dad. We’ll drive past every beach until we find him.”

Jesse has broken curfew before, but that was when he had a girlfriend and snuck into her house. My mom knocked on the door demanding for his return, like the girl’s family was holding him captive. Our mom is on our side, always, but she’s not afraid to tell us we’re doing something wrong.She grounded Jesse on the car ride home.

Our dad slams down the gavel just as strongly, but I’d say that my mom does everything better. My dad would be the first to agree. She’s the heart of the Highland family.

“I love you, Ma,” I say goodbye to my mom. “Ingat po.”Take care.

“I love you more, ‘nak.” ‘Nak is a shortened term foranak, which meanschild.

We hang up, and I give my cellphone a voice command. “Call Utoy.”

You better answer, Jesse.

The phone rings.

And rings.

And I wonder if he’s actually at a girl’s house. Not the same girl. That one broke up with him two summers ago.

It rings.

He would’ve definitely told me if he had a crush on another girl…or guy.He’s straight.He said he’s straight before. I said I’m straight.

Because I am straight.I can appreciate good-looking guys, and yeah, Oscar is one of the best-looking bodyguards. If notthebest.

And I’ve only had sex with women. All of my celebrity crushes have been women. Whenever I’ve envisioned my future, there’s always been a wife at the end.

But at night, my mind wanders to him. I wake up with a massive hard-on that only goes away when I stroke myself thinking about him.

Doesn’t mean I’m gay or bi or anything other thanstraight.

Am I convincing myself or am I really fucking straight? I need a road map to navigate this uncharted place, and I don’t have it. I don’t know anyone who does.

Oscar.

Yeah right, like he’ll help me. Like he’d even want to after I rejected him.

Anyway—I’m straight. There’s nothing to ask.

I’m not into Oscar like that.

My nose flares as I bite down on my teeth, and I realize the phone has already rung out with no answer.