Page 20 of Charming Like Us

While I wait for Oscar, I wander around and pause near the bookcase. A family photo rests in a pewter frame.

Must’ve been taken years ago. Oscar’s little sister Joana looks no older than ten, smiling a wide crooked-toothed smile. Her hands are up in fists while she’s perched on the shoulders of a twenty-something Oscar.

His fists are playfully up too, but he’s facing his younger brother Quinn, who pretends to box his big brother.

A boxing family.

I know that much. I wonder if he’s as close to his siblings as I am to Jesse. I’ve been around all three of the Oliveiras before. Like at Scotland last Christmas where Oscar, Quinn, and Joana were snowed-in with me and a lot of others.

I frown, remembering an argument between Quinn and Oscar outside a Scottish pub.Quinn punched Oscar.I don’t know why.

It’d crush my soul if Jesse even tried to swing at me.

Deep down, I wish this show were about Oscar. I have so many things I want to ask him. I have since the first time he called meLong Beach.

“Alright, Highland, let’s get this over with.” Oscar walks closer, a bag of mini powdered donuts in his hands.

I do a literal double-take. His gray gym pants hang low on his chiseled waist. He’s shirtless, and my eyes drift along the Latin script inked on his golden-brown skin, placed across his collarbone. He’s Brazilian-American, born and raised in Philly, but I know the Latin phrase has something to do with Brazil.

Oscar has the body of an athlete, like me. I’ve metmanyguys who are just as cut, just as toned, and I never really gave it a second thought. But I’m standing here with a notebook clenched in my hand and surveying his beauty and washboard abs like he’s the Mona Lisa.

I wonder what it’d be like to run my hand across his body, his chest, his unshaven jaw. To hold his face and kiss him. He’s masculine. Hard. Muscled.

What am I doing?

Get your head in the game, dude.

I lift my gaze back to Oscar’s.

He rips open the donut bag, the noise sounding too loud in the apartment. “You know, I’d ask you if you find something you like,” Oscar says, trying to be casual but I hear the strained endnote. “But we’ve already covered that. You’re straight, right?”

My throat swells, tongue weighed down. I hate myself for uttering those words in Italy. But I’veneverquestioned myself about my sexuality. Not at ten-years-old, not as a teenager, not in college.

I’m twenty-seven. I should have this shit figured out. I shouldknowwho I am. I thought I did.I’m straight.I’ve only dated women. Only been sexual with women. Only really thought about being with a woman.

But then Oscar entered the picture, and my flirty jokes and banter that I have with just about everyone felt different with him.

I would anticipate it happening again and again. My heart would float like I was breathing in helium. I felt…

I feel…

I swallow hard. He’s staring at me. Waiting for me to speak, and I bide time by pulling the pen out from behind my ear and twirling it between my fingers.

You’re straight, right?he asked.

I nod slowly.

FYI: I feel chicken-shit scared in this moment. To believe one thing for so long about myself and then have to reassess is not even close to easy.

Uncomfortable silence still hangs, so I try to play it off like nothing’s changed between us. “Well, if you did ask me if I found something I liked, I would’ve told you that I like your look.” I motion to the rolled blue bandana tied around his forehead, pieces of his curly hair falling over, and my blood heats. No, actually, my dickpulses.“You’re an attractive guy, and you’d be good on TV.” Do I sound choked?

Oscar pinches a powdered donut between three fingers. “You’ve told me that before. And the answer still hasn’t changed.”

Selfishly, I just want to grill the fuck out of him.

He pops the donut in his mouth, and my stomach lets out a loud groan. I’m about to laugh the noise off when Oscar frowns deeply. He rubs powdered dust off his lips with the back of his hand. “You hungry?”

“I had to run out the door this morning, so I missed bre—” I don’t even finish my sentence before Oscar is moving back to the kitchen.