Page 183 of Charming Like Us

The horror of being trapped in an elevator never really registered with me.Ride the swell.But I forgot that Charlie wouldn’t be as cool and collected.

“Calm down.” Oscar pushes him back lightly and presses the red emergency button. A shrill alarm blares for a second before the sound cuts off.

Charlie steeples his fingers at his lips and stares haunted at the closed elevator door. I’ve never taken mushrooms before—but I can’t imagine it helps the situation.

“We just have to wait,” Oscar says. He looks to me. “You alright?”

Bummed that we can’t talk, yeah. But on the positive side, I’m lucid and not going through a bad trip. Can’t say the same for Charlie. My concern zeroes in on him. “Fine,” I say to Oscar and then to Charlie, “Hey, maybe you should sit down.”

He touches his throat, over and over. Rubbing his fingers over his Adam’s apple. “Is it hot in here?” Charlie asks.

He’s already shedding his shirt and his fingers fly to his pants.

“No, no, no.” Oscar grabs his wrist. “You need to relax.Charlie.”

“I have a water bottle in here.” I hurriedly unzip my backpack and rifle through camera equipment.Found it.

“Yeah, that’s good.” Oscar takes the PuraFons bottle from me. “Just sit down and have some water.”

Charlie runs two hands through his hair, not reaching for the water. Panicked eyes return to his bodyguard. “You’ve got to get me out of here, Oscar.”

“We’re working on it,” Oscar says.

Tears brim. “Please.” He chokes on a breath. “I can’t be trapped here.”

“It’s just an elevator.” Oscar stands in front of him and places a hand on his shoulder. “You’re having a bad trip. It’s amplifying your anxiety. Just take a deeper breath.”

Charlie inhales deeply but never exhales. He holds in oxygen for an agonizing long minute.

“Breathe out, bro,” Oscar says.

He gasps air. Silent tears slide down his cheek. His eyes flit from me to Oscar and back to me. “What does love feel like?”

My breath heavies, my eyes veering to Oscar. His gaze already glued to me.

Love?

All I know is my love for Oscar carries me like the water. A feeling of invincibility. The patience as the ocean laps underneath my body. The anticipation as the perfect wave rolls near. The cool excitement and power as I stand up. As I ride those impossible swells, and once I’m in the barrel, all the doubts and fears wash away. Leaving a bright burst of indescribable bliss.

That is his love to me.

But I struggle to articulate that to Charlie. “It’s…hard to describe.”

He swipes tear tracks off his cheeks. “I sometimes think that maybe it’ll stop one day. This feeling inside me…frustration…all the fucking time.” He blinks into more tears. “But it never really goes away, and…it has to be drowned out by something stronger. Either…pain or love.”

I frown. “Is that why you let people hurt you?”

He blinks again, his tears welling and eyes growing bloodshot. “I need to talk to my dad.” He rubs at his arms and shakes his limbs like he wants to crawl out of his skin. “Oscar—”

“I’ve got it.” Oscar’s dialing a number on his cell.

After filming Charlie for so long, I’ve realized he calls his dad any time he’s feeling off. Like someone would call a therapist.

It’s almost a daily phone call.

Oscar passes Charlie the phone. “Dad?” Charlie says, his voice controlled. “Can you just talk to me for a second?” He slides down the wall and tucks his head between his knees.

I touch my camera that’s still around my neck. It’s been rolling this whole time, and that fact knots my stomach.