Page 101 of Cerulean Truth (Sapere #1)

FIFTY-SEVEN

JAMES

There were no words to describe the overwhelming tumult of emotions that surged through me when the realization hit—Emma had formed the True Bond with Julian.

It was more than vile; it was an indescribable kind of disgust that gnawed at my insides. It was a heart-breaking, searing pain that rendered me numb, caught between feeling everything and nothing. I couldn't wrap my mind around what had just happened.

She had bonded. With him .

The truth stared me in the face, an undeniable reality that shattered any illusions I might have harbored. She had chosen him .

I couldn’t bear to look at her any longer. I turned away from them, and I fucking ran .

No portals, no words, only an impulsive sprint, fueled by a torrent of overpowering emotions.

Even as her voice faintly called my name in the distance, I couldn’t bring myself to face her.

Despite my earlier objections to the idea of forming the True Bond with her so early in our “relationship” or whatever the fuck it was, the notion of her bonding with someone else tore at the very core of my being.

My insides ached, and I couldn’t breathe. My body yearned for oxygen, my eyes longed for tears. I hadn’t cried in years, but I could feel the salty water welling up slowly.

I kept running, faster, desperately trying to numb the overwhelming flood of emotions threatening to choke me. By the time I finally stopped, I found myself at the edge of Oasis.

Panting, struggling to catch my breath, visibly shaking, I was on the brink of losing my shit.

"James!" Her voice reached me, echoing with urgency.

Oh hell no, how had she found me so quickly? I couldn't deal with her right now.

"Go away, Emma," I moaned, attempting to hold myself together.

"Please, James, listen to me!" she pleaded, her voice trembling with tears.

I shook my head, frustrated. "Leave me the fuck alone, Emma."

"NO!" she yelled, desperation evident in her voice. "Please, James, listen. I don't want the bond with him! I didn't do anything!"

She didn't understand.

I swallowed. "You don't have to do anything, Emma, to form the bond. You only have to want it. That's it."

She started to cry, her tears cutting through the tension. "James, you must believe me. I didn't want it. I really didn't."

I laughed harshly, a bitter sound. "Well, we have certain proof that's the biggest lie of all because without you wanting it, it can't happen. And it did."

She kept crying, her sobs heart-breaking. "James, I swear, all I was thinking was that I didn't want it! There's no way I gave him anything! I don't know, maybe he forced it?"

I laughed humorlessly again. "Trust me, that's not it. Do you have any idea what you're accusing him of by saying that?"

"No, I barely understand what happened! All I know is that I didn't want and still don't want the True Bond with him, so yeah... he... could have, maybe? Forced it?"

"He didn't... you would know," I sighed, the weight of the situation heavy on my shoulders.

"How?" she pleaded, agony evident in her eyes. I could see her turmoil, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Not anymore.

"Because you'd be in terrible pain, Emma, that's why! You think someone can invade your mind, your soul, violate your entire being without you feeling that? Without you physically and emotionally suffering? You wanted him to bond with you, and now you did."

"I swear I didn't!" she insisted, water streaming down her face.

"You're lying," I replied dryly, pushing aside the well of pain in my heart.

"I'm not," she sobbed, her voice choked with tears.

I almost lost it.

"Emma, you can't form the fucking bond without wanting to! You form it by simply willing to bind yourself to another forever. Guess that makes it pretty clear where I stand..."

"What does that mean?" she whispered, her voice barely audible.

"You know damn well what that means!"

"No, I don't."

"Fuck, Emma, just tell me!" I blasted.

"Tell you what?" she shrieked in despair.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. All those weeks, watching them from afar, hearing them up close, all those nights wondering, all those days in agony—I had to know.

"Are you in love with him?" I roared, barely containing my rage.

Her eyes grew bigger than ever before. "What?? No! Why would you even think that? That's absurd!" She shouted, almost insulted.

"Absurd?" I bellowed back. "You formed the True Bond with him! How is that me being absurd? You practically married the guy!"

"No, I didn't!" She shouted even louder. "I don't even know how I did that!" Her desperation for me to understand was clear in her tone, but I had no idea how to comprehend something like that.

"Well, you did!" I barked. "He certainly did, and you allowed him to. All the while, I was actually coming to propose to do the same for you, and you chose him!"

And there it was, my actual reason for all the anger, laid bare for both of us to see. She fell silent at my confession.

"You were?" she whispered, her voice soft.

I nodded, unable to find words anymore.

She swallowed and took a step toward me.

"I'm so sorry. Please believe me when I say I never meant to allow him access.

I swear I don't know how I did that. I didn't want that, I didn't choose that.

I wish it had never happened, and I'm truly sorry!

I want nothing more than to take it all back. I wish that never happened!"

I could hear the sincerity in her voice, but I still couldn't bring myself to care about her feelings, when mine were all consuming.

"Hey, don't be sorry on my account. It's your life. I don't give a shit," I replied dryly.

"Really? You don't give a shit?" She asked, with disbelief and irony in her tone.

"No, I don't!" I snarled. Gods, she was just the most aggravating woman I had ever met!

"Then why are you yelling at me?" She asked with the ghost of a smile on her lips.

"I'm not!" I answered sullenly.

"Oh, so this is your inside voice?" She raised her eyebrow. I hated it when she did that.

"I'm yelling because I'm frustrated with you!" I shouted.

"Why?" She asked in hushed tones again.

I was exhausted; caring for her was draining, and my whole life since meeting her felt like a constant struggle. I simply wanted to put an end to this millionth fight of the month.

"Just... get away from me, Emma. Seriously, get the hell away. I can't even look at you right now," I snapped as aggressively as possible.

But she wasn't budging. Instead, she took a step even closer to me. There was no scaring that woman.

"But why?" she persisted. "I mean, if you don't give a damn, why can't you look at me?"

I didn't have the energy to answer. And honestly, I didn't have the answer anyway. I certainly wasn't going to tell her how I felt about her, moments after she chose another guy over me in the most intimate way possible.

The silence between us grew, while she took another step closer.

Now standing close enough for me to smell her perfume, see the little drops of sweat forming on her forehead, I could barely breathe with her standing so close. Realizing all I wanted to do was what I had been desiring since that first moment we met. But I couldn't let it go.

I sighed. "Just tell me, are you in love with him?" I knew she had answered that already, but I needed her to say it again.

She took one more step closer, now only inches away.

"No," she whispered, " he's not the one I'm in love with."

I stared into her eyes, and she met my gaze without blinking.

" He's not the one who strips me of all that I am with just a single look..." Her words started to sink in, and the ache around my heart slowly began to lift.

Her eyes remained fixed on mine, holding my gaze with an air of expectation, as if she hoped I would understand exactly what she was saying.

And I did. I grasped the depth of her words, sensing it deeply, and having yearned for it all this time.

I had longed to hear those words from her for so long, but now.

.. now they were tainted by the betrayal, and I couldn't view them in any other light.

" He's not the one," she repeated softly, staring at me, saying so much more with her eyes.

I could feel my insides turning, and I wanted to run away from all that I was feeling, but I was rooted to the spot.

She reached out to take my hand, but I couldn't move. I was still trying to wrap my head around this True Bond between her and Julian. How was I ever going to get over that?

She was still holding out her hand, glancing at me with all the hope of the world in her eyes. She stood literally before me, offering me... well, what? He already took her mind...

"He already has your mind," I said in a hoarse voice, barely recognizing it as my own.

She nodded. "I know," she said softly, her voice thick with regret, "but he doesn't have my heart..."

It struck me then and there, after everything we had been through, that that was all the truth I needed. I had her heart, but more importantly, she had mine. I knew it, I had known it all this time, and still, I just couldn't let it go.

" He ... doesn't," she emphasized on the "he," closing any distance between us and resting her head on my chest. I closed my eyes, letting that moment sink in. My arms automatically closed around her, and I heard her sigh in relief.

I could feel her heartbeat against my chest, rapid and loud—or was that mine?

Gods, I wanted her so much, but I was hurting.

I endured the tears prickling behind my eyes; I couldn't breathe, so I pushed her away softly, her eyes locked on my face.

I felt nauseous, sick to my very core, and although I wanted everything she was offering, I couldn't.

"I can't," I whispered, conveying all the hurt and pain I was feeling in those two words.

She closed her eyes in defeat, letting out one tear that rolled over her cheek.

I wanted so badly to kiss her, to bury myself in her, to forget everything I knew and let her know how I felt about her.

But I couldn't. He had won. He was the superior magus, and he deserved her love more than I did.

Even her mind was obviously convinced of that, subconsciously or not.

"I'm sorry, Emma, but whatever this is, this was, it's over. Please, don't contact me for a while; I need..." I sighed, not really knowing what I needed. "I need time."

I kissed her forehead and noticed more tears dripping.

Maybe they were hers, maybe they were mine.

I turned around and walked away. Just before portaling back to the Universitas, I looked over my shoulder, casting a glance at her one last time.

She had dropped to her knees and was crying silently, head in her hands.

My heart broke into a thousand pieces... I shook my head and closed the portal behind me, trying to breathe, feeling like I never would again.

All those months, trying to analyze what she was, figuring out what she meant to me and what we were, it had all been in vain; Emma turned out to be the fucking author of my pain.

And the architect of my ruin.