Page 92 of Center of Gravity
“Me too,” I said, and she smiled. I asked her how she was doing and could tell it was hard for her to know where to start.
“Every day gets a little better which is somehow both good and bad. It’s as if I feel John slipping away still, and I know it’s okay to start letting him go, but I don’t know if I’m ready to yet. I think Alex feels the same.”
She slid her hand into mine and I brought her knuckles up to my mouth for a light kiss.
“I never thanked you for all that you did for us during it.”
“That’s because you never needed to.” My eyes drifted over to Alex. One hand was twisting and arcing through the air, demonstrating God knew what to Summer, but it made me grin. “I love your family and—” I caught myself, but I was certain she knew because she squeezed my hand once before releasing it and picking up her glass of champagne again, giving me a secretive smile when she said, “He still talks about you.”
Summer caughtup with me when I went to refresh my champagne. “God, he’s fantastic. How are you such an idiot?”
I handed her a glass of champagne and tugged on her earlobe. “You know you’re missing an earring, right?”
She grabbed for her lobe and swore. “I forgot I was looking for it. Got distracted trying to decide on a pair of shoes.”
We both glanced down at the pair of moccasins on her feet at the same time and laughed. “Hey, they’re comfortable,” she defended her choice before thumping me on the arm. “You’re trying to deflect.”
“I’m not. You stated a fact: I’m an idiot. What more is there to say?”
She shook her head, wild curls bouncing across her flushed cheeks. “You’re frustrating.”
“Sum, this is not a fucking fairy tale. Shitty timing happens and I wasn’t about to try to press the issue of how much I wanted to be with him or how good I thought we could be together on the same day he buried his father. He needed time. Hetoldme he needed time, so I gave it. Am giving it. Trying to.”
Did I wish that Alex had looked me in the eye at his father’s funeral and said he still wanted to be with me? Would I have dropped everything for that chance? Absolutely. But I also understood where he was coming from and I respected him enough, respected whatever chance there might be for us enough, to know that he was telling me the truth. And I loved him enough to let him close the door on me if that was what he thought he needed to do.
An hour later, Alex and I were finally on our own. It happened rather organically after we tossed the remnants of fruit plates into the trash and he tipped his head toward the door and asked me if I wanted some air. I jumped at the chance because I was about to overheat and I’d already shucked my coat and rolled up my sleeves. They had the heat blasting inside. It was also just Alex, being around him again.
We walked across the quad, and took a path that wound through the campus, Alex pointing out different buildings as we went.
“Are you listening?” His shoulder nudged mine.
“I am. I’m trying hard to.” I inhaled a deep breath, using my elbow to point since my hands were in my pockets. “You said that’s the building where you busted your ass on the steps one time after class and five hundred million people saw and it was horribly embarrassing especially because your shoe flew off.”
He snickered. “Maybe I exaggerated and it was more like five hundred thousand people saw. The whole campus, really.”
“I had no idea the student body was that large.”
He wrinkled up his nose. “It’s how my friend Max and I started hanging out, though. He picked up my shoe and said I should just give him the other one so he could throw them both away. My favorite pair of Vans.” He mock sighed. “What’s distracting you?”
“You.” It was probably the easiest answer I’d ever given in my life, and I loved how he shyly pressed his lips together even as the corners turned up, as if he was trying to suppress the smile. It encouraged me enough to say what I said next.
“I need to tell you some things.” We’d strayed from the path and were strolling through a copse of trees where a few metal sculptures that mimicked the twisting limbs had been placed. Alex’s steps slowed, his face clouding with worry.
“Okay.” There was hesitation in his voice and in his fingers, which began fidgeting with the button on the sleeve of his coat. I didn’t remember ever seeing him fidget before.
I slid my hands from my pockets and swiped a bit of hair from my temple. My nerves came jangling back, buzzing over my skin like fireflies.Now or never.“And I’m sorry about the timing, but we never seem to get that right, anyway. I just want you to know while I have this chance and can look you in the eye. Because you should’ve known a long time ago. And that’s my fault.”
Alex gave me a wary nod, leaning back against the rough bark of a tree as I faced him.
“I don’t have a favorite color. I never have. I think the concept of a favorite color is weird—is it a permanent choice or is it a transient thing? My favorite color is a blue sky and my favorite color is also the gray of puddles on a rainy day. I have no idea what my favorite book is, but when I figure it out, I promise you’ll be the first to know. I like reading, but I don’t do enough of it. I like dancing, but I don’t do enough of it. I like being with you and I didn’t do enough of it. I like a lot of things I haven’t done enough of in the past.” I paused for a breath and to check that he was still with me. He was, but that caution remained.
“I like running because it clears my head and I feel good afterward. I hate it while I’m doing it. My right knee is starting to get creaky and I hate that. I also hated my old job and I’m glad I quit because I love my new one. I was terrified to do it and terrified not to. I worry constantly about every decision I make. Sometimes I worry myself into inaction. I take too goddamn long to do the important things. But I don’t want to. Not anymore, and especially not with you.” I watched as his expression shifted from wariness to pensiveness and then wonder, but I couldn’t stop. Now that I’d opened my mouth, it was pouring out of me, this confession that had been accumulating for months.
“And one of my favorite things, Alex, one of my favorite things is you. The feel of your skin, the way you smell. The taste of you, your laugh, the way you tease me, your kiss. Your persistence and your laughter and creativity and a thousand other things that are almost too embarrassing to mention.
“The first time I saw you again after that night at the club, it was like waking up—which sounds trite, I know—but I’d been sleeping for months and I had no idea. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. And then, like an idiot, I kept trying to deny I was awake. But I am and I have been for a long time now. And…and the only way I want to fall asleep again is if you’re next to me.”
I stopped, mostly because I’d run out of breath again and because it was a good time to gauge his reaction. I couldn’t read it at first, and there was a moment when he looked stricken that sent a surge of panic through me.