Page 84 of Center of Gravity
“No clue, honestly. I just keep waking up to that stupid piece of metal in your face. Tired of looking at it,” he grumbled. There was a glimmer of humor in his eyes, though. When he tapped his fingers lightly on the seat, I gave him my free hand, lacing my fingers with his. “When we get back home, go out, see the living. You’re not missing anything around here, I promise.”
“I want to be here.”
His fingers were cool and smooth, all of his calluses softened. When I was little, his hand on my cheek or shoulder had been like sandpaper, catching on my clothes or skin. I liked holding his hand. I would miss his hands.
I pulled onto Mulberry and slowed. Sometimes we’d crawl past the houses, peeking into the windows and making guesses about the families inside until we’d come up with outrageous and obscene stories that made us snicker. I’d miss that too. That was another thing that had started happening. My father was still alive but all I could think about were the things I would miss. It was the weirdest feeling to miss someone who was still sitting next to me.
Dad didn’t appear in the mood to make up stories tonight, but as I passed Rob’s darkened house, he studied it, craning his neck to keep it in sight as we passed.
“So was that whole deal your doing or his? Who fucked it up?”
I knew exactly what he was talking about. I sighed and gave him the pat answer. “It was never a serious thing. It was just hooking up.”
“Hmm.” He didn’t sound convinced, even when I gave him the side eye.
“You’re a bit of a slut, son, is why I’m asking. But you were happy.”
His comment knocked a laugh out of me, genuine and wild, and for a second it felt so fucking good to laugh like that, especially when he joined in.
“Seriously. I’d be jealous of your game if you weren’t batting for the home team.”
“Oh Jesus,” I wheezed. And then, out of nowhere, I was crying. Had to pull to the side of the fucking road and everything, the way it hit like a sudden downpour. That’s how it happened for me. I’d be going along fine and then out of the blue, I’d get a kidney punch of emotion and gut-churning awareness that every minute passing was one less in Dad’s hourglass.
Dad squeezed my hand.
“Fuck.” I pressed my fingers to my eyes, squeezing the bridge of my nose until I staunched the flow of tears. “I’m really going to miss this.”
“Me too, son.” He squeezed my hand again and fell silent. He never rushed or interrupted me and I did the same for him the few times he broke down in front of me.
Another few minutesand I’d recovered enough to start driving again. We continued coasting down the street until we ran out of asphalt and the dunes rose up in front of the windshield, pale and gray in the early evening. I turned off the car and rolled the windows down halfway, listening to the engineping.
“You know he helped me with our finances? Offered to help out with our mortgage more than once,” Dad said.
I forced my fingers to relax when they threatened to close into fists. “I told him not to.”
“I refused. He said the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
“So what did he do, then?”
“Came over one day while you were at work. Asked me not to tell you, so I didn’t. He was afraid you’d be mad, think he was meddling.” He was right. My fingers had started working themselves into a fist again, but Dad continued. “We probably sat there for four hours, shooting the shit, looking at everything. Every bank statement, every pay stub. God, I’ve never known someone so thorough.”
That part I definitely understood. Even in the bedroom, Rob left no stone unturned.
Dad rubbed at a smudge on the passenger window, then smiled. “He looked at all the accounts, all our debt, then helped us make a plan for…after. I guess back then it was for ‘just in case,’ but I think I knew where I was heading. College fund for Lainey. Different ways to keep my life insurance behind a tax wall so it can help your mom out for years. I didn’t know any of that stuff, Alex. I didn’t know it was possible. And it was so nice, sitting there with him with paper in my hands and a plan, not thinking I might leave all these loose ends that I didn’t know how to tie up. Like a weight off.” He paused for a breath, his gaze fastening to the windshield. “Do you know how long I’ve sat in that goddamn room just worrying about what happens to you all after I go and simultaneously wishing it would hurry the fuck up so your mom won’t have to work those shifts anymore, so you won’t—? He gave me this peace of mind and I—” Dad’s voice cracked, and he released my hand to swipe at his eyes. When he reached out again, there was a tremor in his fingers that I muffled with a gentle squeeze.
“I’m glad, then,” I said quietly, unbuckling my seatbelt so I could move closer to him, lean up against his shoulder. I missed the weight of him, his solidness. Now he was nothing but bones wrapped in sagging skin. “We talked about you sometimes. I could tell he had a thing for you, the way he’d talk, and it bothered me at first—the age difference, you know? But I thought about when you were helping him out and after, when he’d come on the weekends, how you’d come home with that googly-eyed grin on your face. That’s why I asked. I just wanted to know. He was very subdued last time I saw him.”
I lifted my cheek from his shoulder, asked, “When was that?”
“A couple of weeks ago now, I guess.”
I closed my eyes, let my cheek sink back to his shoulder. That must have been after I’d called Rob at his office. I was still digesting the fact that he’d come to visit my dad even after things had ended between us. I didn’t know how I felt about that. On the one hand it seemed…thoughtful. On the other hand, intrusive. I sighed.
“No one fucked it up, not really. Or we both did. I don’t know. We both got in the way of ourselves somehow.”
Dad nodded slowly. “It happens. I did that a lot until I met your mother. Didn’t want to be tied down, had it in my head that whoever I was with would end up trying to change me. Almost happened with your mother, too, but I kicked my own ass into shape, fortunately.”
I didn’t know whose ass to kick, but it seemed pointless, now.