Page 78 of Center of Gravity
He’d been right. I thought I could handle our informal arrangement because I’d always been good at no strings attached. But I couldn’t with him. I should have just left him alone from the beginning like he’d wanted. When I saw him and Sean in the kitchen that morning, it was so painfully clear I was out of my league and that I’d just been willfully ignoring the blazing red flags that had been there all along. They stacked on top of each other one by one and crashed down on me as I’d stood in the doorway until my insides flamed with anger. At him. At myself.
There was something so intimate about the two of them just sitting there. Not physically—I believed Rob when he’d said there was nothing going on with Sean. But I sensed an undeniable comfort and history that made the differences between Sean and Rob and Rob and me starkly black and white. Rob had been in love with this man. And what was more, he’dwantedto be, had given himself over to it, actively pursued it, nurtured it. All the glaring little holes in whatever patchwork sexual connection Rob and I had were suddenly chasms. Our relationship was nothing like that. It was one of pure convenience for him.
They sat there with their dusky, unshaven jaws, their steady jobs and retirement plans and mortgages, and when they’d both glanced up from their fucking twin coffee mugs resting on the table, I’d never felt more like a dumb kid disturbing the busy adults.
What did I really have to offer? I couldn’t sit there and talk investment strategies or long-term career plans. I was hanging out with oafs like Tom and dropping shots at The Tap Room while trying to figure out how to weld bits of metal together convincingly enough to make a passing grade, not throwing around casual banter with other professionals over a game of poker after a long day at the office. I was barely scraping a degree together. I lived with my fucking parents. I worked for a moving company. My father had one foot in the grave. I was a disaster waiting to happen. No wonder Rob hadn’t wanted to involve me beyond the bedroom. I was embarrassing.
“Alex.” I blinked at Max again. “Come with us.”
“Where?” I’d lost track of the conversation. I keyed in the code to the welding studio while Max idled on one of the stairs leading up to the small metal door.
“Razz? Tonight? Geez. Do you need something out of my stash? Help you concentrate?” His brows went up, expression shifting to one of concern. “I could help you with your project too, if you need?”
I waved him off. “I’m fine. Just tired.” That was a lie. I’d been having trouble sleeping. I couldn’t concentrate. I kept replaying everything that had ever happened between Rob and me and wondering how I could have been so dumb as to have gotten attached. I couldn’t even hate him, because he’d been telling me all along and I hadn’t listened. That might have been the most frustrating part.
I bit my lip, starting to shake my head. I didn’t feel like going out, but Max saw what was coming and gave me puppy-dog eyes. “Come on man, we haven’t hung out in weeks. Just come for an hour, scope out all the noob freshmen with me.”
I didn’t want to scope out noob freshmen. Then my stomach flip-flopped and I had the terrifying thought that maybe Rob had ruined me forever. Because I’d liked his steadiness, his…adultness. It was so different than how I felt on a day-to-day basis. Which was exactly the reason I should go to Razz and try to get back into the swing of my normal life before Rob.
I exhaled and nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be there. My mom has some kind of project underway tonight, but I can meet up with y’all when we’re finished.”
Max grinned and leaned in to brush a kiss across my cheek.
There were a couple of other people working in the welding studio when I got inside. I lifted a hand to them as I got my gear and set up in front of the behemoth of metal I was trying to lick into some meaningful shape. I frowned listlessly at it for a good five minutes, then I flipped down my visor and fired up the torch, ready to get lost for a few hours in something besides my own thoughts. That was the good thing about welding. There wasn’t room for concentrating on anything else besides what I was doing unless I wanted to incinerate a finger. Wouldn’t that be the icing on the fucking cake?
* * *
It was a Wednesday,so I knew there was no chance Rob would be in town, but I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder as we ate on the old blanket Mom had spread over the sand.Family picnic, she’d declared when I got home. She’d been doing this a lot, foisting more and more of these family outings on us that seemed reciprocally related to Dad’s worsening health. Fortunately, today was a pretty decent day for him.
He had his legs stretched out beside me on the blanket, khaki pants rolled up his too-skinny calves.
Lainey ran back and forth at the edge of the water, chasing the waves. Mom watched her with a half-smile playing over her lips. “I give it about seven minutes before she’s up here talking about how bored she is.”
“Six and a half,” Dad said, tilting his glass so Mom could refill it from the wine bottle. She topped me off as well, but I wasn’t really drinking it anyway.
“I say five and throw in some complaining about how the sand is sticking to her feet.”
Mom laughed. “Touché. She’s at that age. In another year she’s going to be convinced I’m the dumbest person on the face of the earth.”
“Hey, I was never like that!” I said.
Mom lifted a brow. “You still are, sometimes.”
“Please.”
Her mouth turned up at my flat expression. “Exactly.”
Dad rested back onto the heels of his hands, tilting his chin toward the sky, eyes closed, the last rays of the sun falling on his face. His jaw was shadowed with patchy stubble. He didn’t bother with a razor often these days. His whole face looked like it was sinking in on itself.
“Your mom says you’re not fucking Rob anymore.” He studied me through slitted eyes.
I blinked. He could still take me by surprise.
“She didn’t say it like that.”
“Noshedidn’t,” my mom echoed. “Jesus, John. No sacred cows in this family for sure.”
“You’re such a traitor.” I turned on Mom next, trying to blow past the unease in my stomach. I didn’t want to talk about Rob anymore. I was doing my best to try to forget he ever existed.