Page 77 of Center of Gravity

“I don’t know, but what I saw was you and your ex looking cozy.”

I frowned. “How did you know that was Sean?”

There was a long silence. “I looked through some of your emails one time. And I’m sorry for doing that, but it doesn’t change anything.”

“Christ, Alex. Well, whatever you think was happening this morning wasn’t. I don’t want to be with Sean.”

“You know what? It doesn’t even matter. Maybe that’s part of it but—”

“Is this about last night?” From the corner of my eye, I saw schnauzer lady’s gaze turn toward me.

“No. Well, maybe, but that’s not all of it, either. Let me fucking finish.” His voice came rapid-fire and filled with anger. “Haven’t you noticed that everything is done on your terms? You see me when you want to see me, we fuck when and how you want to fuck, eat when and where you want to. It’s all about you. I don’t even know why I do it. I don’t even know why I like you because I know fuck all about you when you’re not around. But I do and I hate it. You don’t want to bring me into your life. Your real life. Your everyday one. I’m just a part of some vacation fantasy for you, or—or an easy way to get off.”

“I—” I started then closed my mouth.

“You know I’m right.” Hewasright. I’d divided myself in half. But the life I wanted was the one I kept going back to. He didn’t understand. I wanted to make the two halves into a whole, and I wanted him to be a part of that. And though that hadn’t been a conscious thought when I’d concocted my plan, that’s what I’d meant for tonight to be about. Showing him I wanted him in my life for the long term.

“That’s not what I intended it to be, Alex.”

“But it is. From the start. Everything came with boundaries. And I get it. It’s self-protective, you want to keep things simple, blah, blah, blah. But I can’t keep it simple the way you want to. My life is too fucked up right now.”

“Alex, it can be different. Iwantit to be different. I was on my way after you and—”

“It doesn’t matter. Jesus, are you listening? I realized it this morning when I saw the two of you, and when I thought back to last night, hearing to you talk about playing poker with your other friends. I don’t even know you. Not really. You were right. We’re too far apart on…everything. In every way except one. It’s not all you. It’s my fault, too. I get that.”

“Alex,” I was growing desperate. I could hear it in my own voice. “That’s not true. Let me prove it to you. Come over tonight like we planned, okay?”

Silence, then a sigh. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Alex.”

Another shaky exhale followed, but his voice was even when he spoke again. “You don’t know. You have no idea what my—everything. I can’t take anything else, I really fucking can’t. I’m tired of taking care of everyone else’s needs. I want someone to take care of me for once. And you can’t. So don’t call me, okay? Please…just don’t. Just leave me alone.”

“Please, Alex, you’re not thinking clear—”

His voice went sharp again. “No, I fucking am. For once, I’m thinking as rationally as fucking possible, with my head instead of my dick. Don’t call me again.”

I stared dumbly at the screen of the phone after he hung up on me, shell-shocked for the second time that day. I held the phone so tightly in my fist that my joints ached with the pressure and my hand shook.Goddammit. My gaze slid skyward. I waited for any other catastrophes the universe might rain down on me.

The woman with the schnauzer leaned toward me with a box of tissues. “Sounds like you’re having a really shitty day.”

“It’s pretty high on the list,” I muttered, accepting the box. After I blew my nose, I let my headthunkback against the wall, closed my eyes, and waited for Winslow to get out of surgery.

24

Alex

“Alex!” Max caught up to me as I crossed the quad on my way to the welding studio from ceramics class. He was breathless as he whipped lightly at the sleeve of my T-shirt and fell into step beside me. “I’ve been yelling your name for like five minutes. God. Are you going for a Guinness record in power walking?”

I slowed my steps, hitching my backpack as it started to slip off my shoulder and shrugged. “Trying to cram a couple of extra hours in on my senior project.”

“Yeah, how’s it going?” Max pulled a pack of Twizzlers from his pocket and offered me one, which I declined with a quick shake of my head, brushing aside the thought of Cracker Jack and Rob’s smile when it rose unbidden.

“Don’t ask.”

Max wrinkled his nose sympathetically. “You’ll pull it off, though. There’s still two months left before semester break.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I had my doubts. I’d been stuck on my final showpiece for months now. My fault for trying to incorporate Rob into it. I’d debated removing his presence altogether, but the sculpture was supposed to be a representation of the last year and whether I wanted or not, he was a part of that. Too bad I couldn’t even think of him now without my heart going concave and sucking all the air from my chest.