Page 28 of Carry On

I was met with absence. There was no response, there was no light on, and it was obvious Nash wasn’t there. He was gone—a fact that shouldn’t have surprised me.

Walking into the middle of my condo, I surveyed everything. Not a single item was out of place. It was as if he’d never been there to begin with.

The only change was the small note left on the island. The same island I’d probably never look at again without thinking of him. A fold of cash sat with the note. I nudged it aside to read the scrawled print.

I frowned and thumbed through the cash. Seven dollars. He’d left me seven dollars for a loaf of bread that wouldn’t even dent my bank account.

Somehow, that pissed me off. Had I made him believe that he owed me in some way? As if my help was conditional? I sighed, knowing full well I’d spend the rest of the night stewing on it with no way of getting the answers I wanted.

CHAPTER 21

NASH

Findinganewplaceto sleep was dangerous, but I wanted to avoid Lincoln looking for me. I wasn’t sure what the fuck I’d do if he showed up at any of my usual locations. I had a feeling Bellingham was responsible for Lincoln finding me the first time around. Bellingham was one of the only people who knew everywhere I frequented, which meant Lincoln probably did too.

To avoid him, I had to go outside my norm. Outside my comfort zone all over again. I didn’t like it, but it was a necessity.

He’s not looking for you,the voice insisted.

I wanted to believe it, but I wasn’t willing to risk it.

The homeless camp was small, but it got the job done. I knew enough people to get me in, and enough people knew not to fuck with me. I tried to be the silent type—the out-of-the-way type. I didn’t take part in my community the way others did. I chose to exist on the outside of it, getting by with as few interactions as possible. But word of mouth meant they knew I was a veteran, they knew I was dangerous when I needed to be, and they knew I was as non-problematic as possible. They somehow also knew that I’d fucked up those rich kids, which gave me the kind of clout I didn’t want. The spread of gossip made me uneasy as well, but I couldn’t do a damn thing about that.

I found a spot as far away from everyone as I could. It was quiet and dark, both things that I desperately needed. My headache had reached the point of being debilitating. The world spun. My stomach rejected even the idea of food. Water made me vomit. Light hurt so bad I couldn’t see straight.

Every noise, every movement, every breath… it all fucking hurt.

I was stuck on this goddamn ride with no way out. Pain meds didn’t do shit—not that I could stomach them anyway. I had to wait it out.

I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

I wanted to be completely done with it all…

The fight… the pain… the struggle…

I just wanted to be done with it all.

You know how to do that,the voice said.

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Not that you can even do that right,the voice continued.

No, I couldn’t.

Hell, maybe the world would fucking end and take me with it.

CHAPTER 22

LINCOLN

Aftertwodays,Icouldn’t take it anymore. I had counted on Nash showing up to play by the coffeehouse like he usually did, but his absence bothered me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. Maybe it was stupid, but I listened to that gut feeling.

Of course, he could’ve been avoiding me too. I wouldn’t put that in the column of infeasible responses to what had happened between us. There was a lot to unpack there, and I was trying my best not to think too heavily on it—a fucking feat for me.

When he wasn’t in the spots he frequented, I called Bellingham because I had no clue how else to find him. What came next was the most eye-opening breakdown of where to find unhoused people in the city.Mycity. I’d been here for years and knew nothing. It was catastrophic.

I tried a few of the smaller places, asking questions as I wandered. I ended up finding an ATM to withdraw money and gave cash to those I spoke with. I felt bad. I felt guilty for my circumstances compared to theirs.