Page 111 of Carry On

“It’s Nash,” I corrected, my voice sharp.

“Right.” At least he had the intelligence to avoid trying to hug me. He did offer me his hand, though. I caved just enough to shake it, quick but not fast enough.

Charlotte, however, wouldn’t settle for a handshake. She rounded the table and wrapped me up in a hug, the kind that bled with that mom feeling. It fostered something bitter inside me, the part of me that wished my mother were still around. I envied Peter’s ability to have this in his life.

“Oh, look at you.” She beamed. “You look so good.”

“Thank you,” I said, offering a slight smile. I wasn’t mad at Charlotte. At least, not anymore. My childhood wasn’t her fault. She’d done her best given the circumstances that had thrown us together.

“Sit, sit,” Charlotte ordered as she gestured to the seat across from her. I sat, and Peter was quick to fill the spot next to me. “So, Nash, it’s good to see you. How are you? How have you been?”

I appreciated Charlotte’s attempts to lead the conversation, but fucking hell, that was a loaded question. I made a face as I tried to come up with the fastest, easiest way to sum up the years I’d been in Seattle. I had no desire to tell them anything.

They don’t want your mess,the voice stated.

Maybe I’d tell Peter the oddball thing here or there, but never all the details.

“You’re married,” Mitchell commented.

“Uh…” Fuck. I glanced down at my wedding ring. I’d meant to take that off before coming, but wearing it had become second nature. Besides, a little part of me liked wearing it. “Yeah. It’s… new.”

So new that we got married before we decided to be a couple.

“Oh!” she gasped, a hand flying up to her chest. “Oh! I wish we’d known. We would’ve been there.”

“It was a small ceremony,” I replied. “Nothing special.”

They know you’re lying,the voice said.

“She could’ve come today,” Peter chimed in.

Ah, that. I’d known most of my life that I wasn’t straight. I had no interest in anyone. Sex, relationships, connection. I embraced the lone wolf thing on a deeply intrinsic level.

Lincoln was the first real person to captivate me. The few hookups I had were with men. I just never felt the need to announce that to my family. I didn’t know how they’d take it.

One more reason for them not to love you,the voice commented.

“Work comes first, you know?” I kept it simple and honest. Lincoln was at work after all. “Maybe next time.”

Foot meet mouth. That was a door I wasn’t sure I wanted to open, even as Peter’s face lit up.

“I’d like that,” he replied. “You guys should come to Pine Creek. Did I tell you I have a cow now?”

“Jesus fuck,” I scoffed. “You and your damn cows.”

“It’s only temporary!” he exclaimed. “I borrowed it from…”

The conversation rolled on around me, moving from Peter’s horse training to my father’s job to the gossip in Pine Creek. It was all too much. Too fleeting. I couldn’t grasp onto any of it. I didn’t know how to connect with them.

I was drowning in the civility and norm of it all.

I needed an anchor.Myanchor.

Under the table, I pulled out my phone and texted Lincoln.

Help. I can’t do this.

LINCOLN: I’m on my way.