Page 44 of Bonding with the Beta (Fated Souls #2)

44

KAYLEIGH

I thought pouring my heart out to Kayden and ending things would make me feel better, but it didn’t. I’ve been lying in bed for the past day, feeling empty and lost. My heart ached more and more each second, and the pain was nearly unbearable.

After ignoring and pushing my mum away for days, my stomach starts to growl, and for the first time in what feels like ages, I’m hungry. I sigh, push the covers off myself, and stand on weak legs.

I manage to take myself downstairs, a weird spark of motivation igniting my body. When I see my mother standing in the kitchen, she jumps at the sight of me.

“Kayleigh,” she exhales in surprise.

I don’t even attempt a smile. Her eyes study my face, and she steps closer, wrapping her arms around me. I press my head into her shoulder and allow her to hold me.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I’m sorry for shouting at you.”

Her hand slowly rubs my back. “It’s okay, honey. I’m here.”

We stay like this for a while. I truly forgot the emotional power of a hug.

My mother pulls back and looks at me. “Do you want to talk?”

I nod slowly and pull my sleeves over my knuckles as I follow her to the living room, where we sit on the sofa. I wrap my arms over my knees and hug them close to my chest.

“What’s going on, Kayleigh-baby?” Mum frowns, and that nickname brings back memories of my childhood. Her hand rests on top of my knee. “Hmmm?”

My lip begins to tremble. “I think I need help.”

“Help?”

I sniffle. “I-I need to see someone. I need to talk about things again. My mind right now is a mess, and my anxiety—” I purse my lips, the words struggling to come out.

“If you need support, we can get you support.” She scoots closer to me and squeezes my leg. “What’s happened? Help me to understand.”

I release a breath, puffing out my cheeks, trying to ignore the stinging sensation in my eyes. I tell her everything. She already knew about Josh and when I ended up in the hospital, but she didn’t know about Kayden and everything I’ve experienced over the last few months. I tell her about my work overload, feeling behind and not feeling good enough.

She hugs me close to her chest, and it takes me a second to breathe through her affection. For the first time in days, a tear escapes my eye. “Why do I hate myself, Mum? Why do I push people away who care about me?”

My mum holds my face in her hands and swipes away damp strands of hair that have clung to my cheeks. “Sometimes, we do stupid stuff because we believe we don’t deserve good things in life.”

“But what if I don’t deserve him?” I sob.

“He loves you, yes?

I nod once.

“Do you love him?”

I bite the inside of my cheek. “Yes,” I say eventually. “But that’s what I’m scared of, Mum.”

“Of what, honey?” She frowns and drops her hands from my face to hold my fingers.

“I thought I loved Josh, but now I realise whatever I felt for him wasn’t love because what I feel for Kayden is so real and pure. It scares me because I have no idea how to deal with these true feelings.” I wipe my eyes with shaky hands. “I’m not making any sense.”

My mum sighs, and I can’t find the strength to look at her. “Kayleigh, let me be honest with you for five seconds,” she says sternly. “From the sounds of things, what you and Kayden have is very special. But you need to take this whole situation by the reins and regain control. You know how you feel; I know you do. You’re just scared of what might happen in the future in case you get hurt again. That’s completely understandable. But you can’t let the unknown future hold you back. You two are in love with each other. Does that mean you should be alone forever instead? No. You should be out there with him, telling him the truth, your worries, your fears.”

Of course, I want to be with him, but she’s right. I’m terrified of the future. I can’t bear being hurt again, especially now I feel everything for him.

“And I know, you’re probably thinking that’s ironic after what happened between your dad and me,” she says quietly, and my eyes immediately flick to hers. “But we weren’t happy for a long while, and we didn’t want to interfere with your studies. What I did was wrong, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Your father didn’t deserve it, and I know deep-down inside, you hate me a little for it.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “Only because I know how much it hurts to be cheated on,” I admit. “It destroys your soul, and you’re guessing why you weren’t good enough in the first place.”

My mother’s eyes glisten with tears, and she nods. “I know. I messed up. I hurt you. I hurt your father. I hurt this family. I was selfish, and I’m sorry. But please don’t let what I’ve done and what Josh has done determine how you’re going to live the rest of your life. Kayden sounds like a good man—don’t let him slip away. I don’t want you to regret anything, Kayleigh.”

“He probably hates me.” I shrug pathetically. “I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, and it wasn’t good when we did.”

“Look at me, Kayleigh,” she says softly, and I shift my eyes to hers. “If he really loves you, he’d try to understand what you are going through. He’d understand that you need space, and I’m sure he will be there for you with open arms, ready to give your relationship another go. But this time, with some support and better communication between you both. You need to show him you’re willing to work through this and you won’t give up this easily again.”

“You think he will?” I ask, blinking back my tears.

Mum gives me a full, supportive smile. “The right one will wait, trust me.”

After my conversation with my mother, I dragged myself into the shower and somehow convinced myself to leave to see Kayden. I can’t leave things how they are. Do I really want to punish myself this badly?

I deserve to be happy, so why do I struggle to allow myself to be?

The drive back to Wildemount isn’t a short journey, but I can’t leave Kayden in the dark any longer. Mum was right; we need to communicate, and I need to learn to communicate better. How will we ever work if I don’t talk to him and be honest?

Despite my stomach churning in knots and nausea crashing over me like a tidal wave, I know I have to do this. I sit in my car outside their gated community for ten minutes as I build up the courage to ask to come in.

“Come on, Kayleigh,” I grumble to myself. “You can do this.”

The guards standing at the gate give me a wary look. “Uh. I’m here to see Kayden.”

He stares at me for a long moment, and I start to think I’ve been banned from coming to their house. Dread floods me, but moments later, the gates open, and I inhale a breath before driving towards their house.

I step out of the car, and before I reach the front door, it opens.

Kayden stands there with a black T-shirt clung to his toned frame and a grey pair of sweatpants. I flick my eyes down to the stubble growing on his face. He looks exhausted, but he’s still undeniably handsome. My gut aches at the thought of him looking slightly dishevelled because of me.

“Hi,” I say as I glance back at his face.

“Hi,” he responds.

“Can I come in?”

Kayden nods and steps out of the way. His scent swarms me, and I almost close my eyes at how much it makes me feel at home. He shuts the door behind me, and I walk through the hall and upstairs towards his bedroom for some privacy.

When we’re alone, I can hear my blood rushing through my veins. I tug at my fingers as I pace his room slowly. He stands back against the door with his hands tucked into his trouser pockets.

“I’ve got a lot I want to say,” I start, my voice dipping slightly. “And I don’t expect you to say anything. I want you to listen.”

Kayden’s dark eyes watch me with curiosity. He swipes a hand across his jaw before folding his arms over his chest. “Okay,” he rasps, and the sound makes my spine tingle. “I’m listening, Kayleigh.”

“I’m sorry for what I said to you. I’m sorry for how I reacted. I’m sorry for pushing you away,” I say, not letting the ball in my throat choke me.

I begin to shift between my feet. “The relationship I had with Josh is nothing like ours. Nothing at all. You care for me in ways I didn’t know someone could care. You support me. You’re there for me. I didn’t realise I was struggling with adjusting from Josh’s awful treatment until you started treating me like royalty. I freaked out because it wasn’t what I was used to and I felt so confused. I felt like I didn’t deserve you, that you deserve someone who has their shit together.”

Kayden’s brows twitch downwards.

“And—” I take a moment to compose myself. “I’ve decided that I need to get some help. I need therapy, counselling sessions, or something. I’ve bottled so much up, and I know it’s not doing me any good. My insecurities, my worries, all of it. I need to let it all out to someone before I do something I’ll regret.”

His face flushes with concern as if he remembers our conversation when I told him I was emitted to the hospital after a breakdown.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get my shit together. I’m sorry for leaving you in the dark,” I say, wiping my nose.

Kayden edges towards me, my heart thumping with every step. My eyes begin to glass over as I watch him move closer, emotion clogging my throat.

“And,” I shudder, “I love you, Kayden. I am completely and utterly in love with you. I’m sorry for not saying it back. I was scared. I thought you deserved better.”

He doesn’t stop walking. His silence becomes unnerving.

“I didn’t know what love was before I met you or what I thought I was experiencing with Josh. But you have shown me exactly what love is because I feel it every time I’m with you. It’s raw and real, and sometimes you make me feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.”

Kayden stops in front of me, and my head tilts to meet his eyes, a tear rolling down my cheeks. “I’m hoping you can forgive me and that you’ll help me learn to love myself. Even the rough and ugly bits I hate.”

Our chests brush, and my fingers long to reach out and touch him.

Oh, God. I ache for him.

How did I ever walk away from him?

How did I allow myself to overthink this?

“Because I don’t want anyone else supporting me, loving me, guiding me through this than the person I love?—”

Kayden’s hands rise to grip my cheeks as he lowers his face and brushes his lips against mine. I dissolve into a million tiny pieces at his tender touch. My eyes flutter shut as I latch onto him before I fall to the floor.

He pulls back an inch and rests his forehead against mine. “I will be here for as long as you want me, Kayleigh,” he whispers. “And I will do everything in my power to help you learn to love yourself as much as I love you. I promise you, there are no ugly bits. I want the struggles. I want the pain. I want all of it, as long as it means I get to have you. I wanted you to jump with me, blondie, and I still stick by that.”

A small sob wracks from the back of my throat as I nod desperately.

Kayden tilts my chin and claims my lips once more. He walks me backwards until I hit the wall. The kiss is slow and sensual as if we’re moving at half the speed. I need to remember every millisecond.

I pull away ever so slightly, our mouths still grazing. I look up into his warm eyes and quiver. “I missed you,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry I did this to us. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. Please forgive me.”

He smiles, flashing those dimples that make me forget my name. His thumb brushes across my cheekbone before capturing my lips with his again. He tastes like fresh peppermint and feels like silk. I could die happy in his arms.

Our lips meet once more, and he kisses me deeper and deeper, his teeth grazing my bottom lip. My toes tingle from the intensity of emotions rushing through my head, and I whimper into his mouth.

This isn’t just a kiss. This is a let me show you how much I love you kiss.

And boy, did he show me.