Page 43 of Bonding with the Beta (Fated Souls #2)

43

KAYLEIGH

I don’t like my brain. I don’t like my thoughts. I don’t like myself.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought this walk would help clear the fog behind my eyes, but I knew it wouldn’t solve anything. I’ve been fighting this battle and losing for a long, long time.

My weakness for not doing anything at the time.

I allowed myself to be walked all over.

By the time I reach my dorm room an hour later, I pause when I find Kayden sitting on the edge of my bed, his elbows on his knees. His brown eyes immediately shift to mine as he watches me walk in.

He throws his head back and drops his phone to the bed, a strained sigh booming from the back of his throat as he stands and runs a hand through his tousled hair.

My entire body turns cold, and I clasp my hands over my elbows to make myself smaller—but it’s no use.

Kayden takes two steps towards me, chest quivering as his eyes roam my face and body. “You scared the hell out of me, Kayleigh,” he says, sounding emotionally exhausted. “Where were you?”

“I went for a walk.” I shrug.

He releases a distressed breath that makes me shudder with guilt. “I had a missed call from you, but when I called back, you didn’t answer. At all.”

“I didn’t think about it when I left. I must have left it on my bed by accident,” I state quietly. “I didn’t do it to scare you.”

Kayden’s eyes harden. “My heart was in my throat. Then I come to check if everything is okay, and your door is open, and your phone is here.” He points to it, lying on my bed. “Do you know how close I was to calling the police?”

“Oh, because you thought I was going to kill myself?”

When he flinches, I instantly regret my choice of words. I’m lashing out, and it’s not his fault. I close my eyes and take a breath before I say anything else I’ll want to take back.

“Because I know you’re not in a good head space, and I needed to know you were okay,” his voice is raspy. “Sorry that it’s such a crime to check in with my girlfriend when I asked her to call me when something was wrong.”

I flick my eyes open to him and press a hand to my chest, a wave of intense sabotage crashing over me. All my insecurities come flooding back, and I can’t stop myself. I’ve lost myself to the person I never wanted to become.

“You’re not my keeper, Kayden. I called you once, not a million times. I was fine,” I state, and yet again, immediately want to take it back. The words leave a sour taste on my tongue.

Kayden’s eyes glass over for a moment. “No, I’m not your keeper,” he states. “But I asked you to do one thing. How can you expect me not to freak out?”

“Why did you even come?”

Kayden’s brows dip heavily. “What?”

“Why do you even care?” I hold his stare, my lips trembling. “I don’t understand why you care. I am a mess, Kayden.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” He flicks his eyes between mine with incredulity. My heart slams into my chest like a hammer when his jaw tightens. “I care because I love you, Kayleigh.”

All the air evaporates from my lungs at the roughness of his voice. I suddenly don’t know how to breathe. It takes me a few seconds to register what he’s said because surely he doesn’t mean that. No. He can’t.

I shake my head over and over. “You don’t.”

“You don’t get to tell me what I do and don’t feel,” he states harshly.

My eyes ache as I stare back at his crumbling expression. “There is nothing to love. I’m nothing but a broken mess, ready to deteriorate any second. You don’t want this, Kayden.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” He reaches out for me, but I step away. If he touches me, I’ll break down, and if I break down, I’ll despise myself even more than I already do. “I love every inch of you, Kayleigh. I don’t know what’s just happened, but please, let me in. I’m right here. Stop pushing me away.”

My throat tenses, and I shake my head once more. “I can’t.”

Kayden takes one step closer, his presence surrounding me. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I need you to figure out what you want. If this is what I get for caring about you—” He pauses to take a breath and run a shaky hand down his face. “I understand that you might not know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship, but you can’t push me away when things get tough. That’s not how this works.”

I can’t meet his eyes, not with the guilt starting to suffocate me. The floor begins to wobble beneath me, but then I realise it’s my head that’s making me off-balance.

Kayden doesn’t deserve this, not after everything he’s done.

He deserves so much better.

I’m not the idea of perfect—I’m far from it.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks dryly.

“Yes,” I rasp, my voice barely above a whisper.

I’m not in control of my feelings anymore. I’m self-destructing.

He shakes his head once. “I can’t leave knowing you’re like this.”

“Please,” I sniffle. “Go.”

Because my heart is breaking and this is how easily I can turn.

“Do you even care about this relationship?”

I squeeze my eyes shut at his words. I care—of course I care—but he doesn’t deserve this. Tears stream down my face, and I clutch my hand to my chest, tangling my fingers into the material of my jumper.

“Kayleigh.” His voice snaps me back into the room, and I open my eyes to find his devastated face. “I need to know if you’re even going to fight for this.”

My head shakes once. “I-I can’t.”

Kayden nods and purses his lips. “Great.” He flashes me a dejected smile that shatters me to pieces. “Thanks for giving up on us so easily.”

He leaves moments later, and I drop to the floor, cradling my arms over my knees. A tear rolls down my cheek as I bury my face into my legs. “Fuck,” I curse. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

I cry and cry, and I realise the only person I have to blame is myself.

That night, I decide to go back home.

I didn’t really want to spend the next few weeks with my mother, but it’s better than being on campus by myself or in the company of Josh. I’m not risking it again.

It’s been four days since I came home. Four days since I last spoke to Kayden.

He told me he loves me, and I told him to leave.

“Honey.” My mother pokes her head into my bedroom. “Do you want some dinner?”

“No,” I mumble into my pillow.

She sighs and steps inside. “Kayleigh, you’ve hardly eaten or left your room since you got home. What’s the matter?”

I close my eyes. I can’t cry anymore. I’ve run myself dry.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” I say, wiping my nose with my sleeve.

“Did you fight with Evie?”

“No.”

“Did you get a bad grade?”

“No.”

“Did you speak to Josh?”

“Mum.” I push myself up from the bed and stare directly at her. “Please, will you just leave me alone? I need to be alone. I can’t?—”

She rushes towards the bed and perches beside me. “Kayleigh, what on earth is going on?”

“Please,” I choke. “Leave me alone.”

Her blue eyes hesitate for a moment, and the concern adds another slash to my heart because of everyone I’m pushing away. “I’ll be downstairs if you want to talk,” she replies calmly. “Whatever you want to talk about, I’m here for you. Remember that.”

She closes my bedroom door behind her, and I close my eyes in defeat. I collapse onto my bed and stare numbly at the ceiling. My chest aches. What is wrong with me?

Kayden doesn’t deserve this side of me.

Neither does my mum or Evie.

I reach for my phone and gingerly hover over Kayden’s name. I need to end this now. I need to put it to rest and attempt to move on; otherwise, I’ll be rotting in bed for the foreseeable.

When my thumb presses the call button, I raise it to my ear and listen to it ring and ring until it goes to voicemail. The beep echoes inside my brain, and I pause for a moment.

“Hi,” I exhale. “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me.” I bite down on my lip and gather my thoughts. “I wanted you to know that I’ve gone back home and I don’t deserve you. I never have and never will. And I’m sorry for what I said. You deserve someone who accepts when someone cares for them, not someone who throws it back in their face.”

My eyes clamp shut, and I regulate my breathing.

“I’m really not in a good headspace right now. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. I’m sorry. I never took anything you’ve done for me for granted, you know that?”

My heart feels like it’s about to explode.

“I wish I had my shit together, but you don’t deserve to carry my baggage along with me. You should find your mate. She would make you so happy. You deserve to be happy.”

Yet the thought hurts so badly that my chest feels like it’s gaping open.

“Just…thank you for everything. It was the best few months of my life,” I whisper before hanging up.

Kayden is too good for this world. One of a kind. A needle in a haystack. A winning lottery ticket. All of it. He is everything I’m not, and I want him to be happy—really happy.

If he has to deal with me and my past, that’s the last thing he’ll be.

My phone starts to ring from beside me. I gulp at the sight of Kayden’s name. Goosebumps rise on my skin, and I shake my head. No. I can’t do this. I can’t hear his voice after pouring my entire soul out to him.

The call ends and starts again. Three times.

When I don’t answer any of the calls, I get a message.

Kayden:

Answer your goddamn phone now, Kayleigh.

One missed call.

Kayden:

I am not messing around. Answer the phone.

One missed call.

Kayden:

You cannot call me saying you’re in a bad headspace and not expect me to freak out. Tell me you’re okay.

My hands begin to shake. I owe him this. I can’t ignore him like I did before.

Kayleigh:

I’m okay

Kayden:

What is going on?

I decided to give you space because that’s what I thought you needed, and these last few days have been hell

Are you seriously breaking up with me?

Kayleigh:

I am a wreck, Kayden. I am not good for you. I have baggage. I have so much fucking baggage, and I can’t ruin you.

Kayden:

Ruin me? Kayleigh, I don’t care about your baggage. I am in love with you. You have your moments, everyone has their moments, do you think that’s stopped me from seeing every little good thing about you?

No, it hasn’t

For the first time in days, my eyes prick with tears. I sniffle.

Kayleigh:

I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t

Kayden:

I know you’re not thinking straight right now, and I know you’re confused, but I know deep-down you want to be with me. I know what we have is real. I know you feel it when you’re with me. If you need more time, I will give you time

I cannot stomach the pain of shutting him down again. So, I push it to the side.

Kayleigh:

Okay

Then I lock my phone and place it down beside me.

Kayden is too good for me. Anyone can see it.

Why can’t he see the bad in me?

Why can’t he see how easily I self-destruct the second something goes wrong?

Why can’t he see that I’m ruined?