Page 26 of Bonding with the Beta (Fated Souls #2)

26

KAYLEIGH

A s I lay on my bed, attempting to finish reading for tomorrow's social psychology class, I’m distracted by the movie I put on my laptop instead. I’m snuggled up with my blanket and cosy socks, and my hair is thrown up into a messy bun.

Evie asked if I wanted to go to the library to complete the reading together, but I couldn’t think of anything better than this. Especially after today’s brutal classes, I needed a breather to myself.

There is a firm knock at my door which makes me jump. I roll my eyes groaning as I drag myself from bed. “Oh my God, Evie,” I call. “I told you I don’t want to go to the library.”

No doubt she’s here with some kind of bribe.

My fingers latch onto the door handle, and I swing it open. “You could have just texted me?—”

I immediately stop talking. Instead of the five-foot-two girl I thought would be there, it’s actually a six-foot-two man staring back at me with a hardened expression.

My gaze settles on his dark eyes and the lines beginning to crease his forehead. Even when he looks frustrated, he’s still as handsome as ever. How?

“Hi,” I manage to let out.

“Yeah,” Kayden strains. “Hi.”

We haven’t spoken in almost a week. That’s my fault.

I tug at the hem of my oversized jumper to try and cover up my exposed thighs, but it raises back up within a second. My heart pounds rapidly in my chest, feeling like it’s about to jump out of my throat at any given second.

Kayden’s brows knit together as I say nothing. “You’ve been ignoring me, huh?”

“I-I–” I stutter, at a loss for words.

“Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?”

“I thought it was for the best,” I murmur.

Kayden laughs, but it’s void of humour. “For the best? So, I have the best date of my life, even after what happened, and when I try to message you, I’m ignored. Why?”

“Because it’s not going to work out,” I whisper.

“Tell me why, Kayleigh.”

“Because it’s not.”

He scoffs to himself and throws up a hand in defeat. “Well, that’s just great, isn’t it? Maybe I’m an idiot for thinking that we had something special. Everything I felt must have been one-sided. Thanks for letting me know. Real mature of you.”

The pain that slashes across his face is unexpected. Suddenly, it feels like my chest is gaping open, and I’m sharing that agony with him. I resist the urge to rub my hand over my sternum and take a steady breath.

His eyes are cold and hard now, and I shake at the intensity of them. My lips part, but I say nothing more, and the sight of him turning to walk away guts me. I subconsciously take a step forward.

“Wait.” My voice is nothing but a pathetic whimper.

Kayden stops, but he doesn’t turn to look at me. Instead, his shoulders tense, as if preparing for another blow, making me hate myself even more.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur as he finally turns to look at me over his shoulder.

He nods once and walks away again.

“I just–” I call out for him as someone walks past us, and I wish we weren’t doing this in the hall. “I got scared because?—”

Bile rises in my throat. I clamp my eyes shut.

I’ve kept this away from him for a reason.

Kayden’s footsteps echo in my ears as he inches closer to me.

My eyes flick between his, full of confusion and intensity.

“I-I got scared because I realised I like you, okay?”

His jaw ticks, and he storms forward, pushing me back into my dorm room and slamming the door.

Kayden stares straight through my soul, and all I can hear is my erratic breathing as he crowds over me with fire behind his eyes. “And don’t you think I like you, too?”

I shudder at the roughness of his voice and the way he looks at me as if there is no one else in the world he could feel this deeply for. I lose my breath, and I blink back the tears that have gathered in the crevice of my eye.

My gaze drops to the floor because I can’t bear looking at him anymore—not when my heart feels like it’s about to shatter. But Kayden grips my chin, tilting my face up and forcing our eyes to lock.

“What the hell happened?” His tone drops, and I crack.

I pull away from his grip and turn towards my window, squeezing my eyes shut as two tears roll down my cheeks. The last thing I want is for Kayden to see me this weak and beaten up over something that happened a while ago.

Something that still haunts me to this day.

But it’s too late. Kayden walks around me and is now staring at my tear-stained face. “Hey,” he whispers, concern laced in his voice. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“I’m so scared,” I choke out and wrap my arms around myself.

“Kayleigh–” He reaches for me, but I pull away from his grip at the last second.

I release a groan of frustration and stare out the window, calming my pulsing lungs before I set myself off. Kayden’s body warmth radiates from behind me, but he doesn’t touch me.

“You want to know why I’m scared of commitment and giving myself to someone again?” I say harshly, my puffy eyes wandering to Kayden’s as he watches me with soft eyes.

He doesn’t say or do anything, but his expression says everything.

He’s willing to listen.

“I had a boyfriend,” I sniffle and wrap my arms tightly around me. “We started going out a year and a half ago. At first, everything was amazing, we loved…”

I pause to think, and I shake my head.

“ I loved him. I’m not sure how he really felt,” I admit, and Kayden steps closer to me. “I fell head over heels for him. At the start, he was good, what we had was great. But then he started missing dates, leaving me waiting for hours on end, making excuses. I didn’t realise he was getting bored of me until I found out he had been texting other girls while we were together. When I questioned him about it, he called me a psycho.”

My shaky hand rises to wipe the tears that are freefalling.

“He told me he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and it was friendly, and I let myself believe I was being insecure and crazy. He made me feel bad about it,” I sigh, an ache growing in my chest at the memory.

Kayden’s fingers twist like he wants to comfort me, but he waits.

“Then I literally caught him in bed with some girl in his room. I was a mess.” My voice wobbles. “He told me it wouldn’t happen again, and I stupidly forgave him because I was so weak that I couldn’t imagine my life without him.”

I laugh out loud at my ludicrous decisions. How could I be so idiotic?

“But, of course, he didn’t stop, and I didn’t know. He continued doing it behind my back, and I guess I tried to find the good in him, but it makes me so angry because why did I continue to let him treat me like shit? What was I trying to hold onto?” I press my hand to the ache growing in the middle of my forehead. “The next month, he broke things off with me in front of his friends. I’ve never felt so embarrassed. At that moment, I didn’t want to be here anymore. The pain was too much. He publicly humiliated me.”

I pause for a breath, and Kayden takes my fingers this time, squeezing them. “I knew what we had was good until he started cheating, and I wanted that back. Fuck, I hate myself for not realising my worth and throwing him out with the trash sooner.”

My throat closes up when I think about what happened next.

I close my eyes, and Kayden kisses my knuckles so tenderly that tears sprout.

“By that point, I was a wreck. I had no idea what I was doing with my life. He had completely broken and destroyed me. I lost my friends. I lost sense of myself. I pushed everyone away because they told me how silly I was for forgiving Josh and letting him back into my life,” I choke. “I was so blinded by him. It makes me feel sick how toxic the whole relationship was. I didn’t realise how badly I was manipulated and gaslighted by him.”

“I was in a really, really dark place,” I whimper with trembling lips.

Kayden’s thumb flicks over the back of my hand supportively, and I tell myself not to break down at his gentle touch.

“I was in my dorm room, and I wasn’t in a good way. I was hyperventilating. I didn’t see the point in anything. All I could hear were these loud voices telling me I was nothing, I deserve nothing, and I shouldn’t be here.”

The look on Kayden’s face makes my knees quiver.

“So I went to my bathroom,” I hiccup. Kayden’s eyes are full of guilt, his lips pulled down into a frown. “Then I started taking all different sorts of tablets—anything I could find. I don’t even know why I did it. I guess it was a moment of desperation.”

Tears leak from my eyes, one after the other, until my entire face is soaked. “I tried to kill myself.” I shake aggressively. “I was in such a bad place that I actually tried to kill myself. What the fuck was I thinking?”

I grit my teeth, press a hand to my forehead, and cry until I’m silent.

“Kayleigh,” Kayden murmurs quietly.

Then his arm is around my neck, and he tugs me into his chest. I burst into a fit of endless sobs, unable to catch my breath. His arms tighten around me when he hears my distress, one hand cradling the back of my head and the other securely around my back.

“It’s okay,” he mumbles into my hair as he sways us ever so slightly. “Breathe for me, Kayleigh.”

I fist my hand into his T-shirt and hold on for dear life. I forgot what it felt like to have someone this close. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt safe and protected—especially in someone's arms. So, I allow myself to bask in the sensations and enjoy the light, warm feeling that glows in my body despite telling the story I hate the most.

“I-I then realised what I had done,” I croak as I pull away. He brushes strands of hair from my face and places his palm against my cheek. “I called myself an ambulance, telling them I tried to overdose.”

Kayden rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes tightly as he listens to me speak. Neither of us says anything for a few moments; all I can hear is the sound of blood rushing through my ears.

His forehead is soon replaced with his lips. “I am so sorry,” he strains, and I frown.

“What do you have to be sorry for? I was stupid, weak, and insecure. I did something that almost ruined my parents' life. I’m the one to blame. I did that to myself because I let Josh get to me. It’s my fault. It’s always been my fault.”

“Hey.” Kayden grips my face again, his thumb occasionally wiping away the tears that continue to fall. “You are not stupid or weak. Do you hear me? And it is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself, Kayleigh. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

My nose tingles as I find his eyes through my blurry vision. “Why wasn’t I good enough? I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough.”

Shame almost floors me.

I look away, nausea lapping at my stomach.

“Look at me, Kayleigh,” he whispers, but I shake my head. “I need you to hear what I have to say.”

My eyelids squeeze shut. I can’t. I can’t do this.

I pull away from his grip altogether and wipe my face with my hands, releasing a quiet rasp at the soreness of my skin. “Please go, Kayden. Please just go. You are wasting your time with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, standing his ground. “I’m not going to leave you. That’s probably what you expect, huh? Because he treated you like crap, and that’s what you think you deserve. But you’re wrong. I’m not like him. I will never be like him. Never think for one second that you’re not good enough.”

I clasp a hand over my mouth and release a silent cry.

“I swear, if I ever get the chance to lay my hands on him.” He pauses, and I sense his anger bubbling at the surface. “He’s going to fucking wish he never hurt you and made you believe these things about yourself.”

Everything inside suddenly weighs me down, and when I reach for the wall to stabilise myself, Kayden reaches out to latch onto me as I catch my breath. He doesn’t say anything more; he holds me until my eyes run dry.

He cups my cheeks again. “I care about you a lot; do you know that?”

I purse my lips and nod. “Yes.”

Even if it’s something I find hard to admit, it’s obvious.

“Good. So don’t tell me to leave.”

Kayden’s dark eyes flick between mine for a long moment, and I shiver. He releases my face and walks across my room until he grabs a pair of my trainers. “Sit down,” he orders.

I sniffle. “What are you doing?”

“Putting your shoes on.”

“Why?”

“Let’s get some fresh air,” he says as I perch on the edge, and he starts to slip the shoe on my foot. “And besides, I think you might be in need of some chicken nuggets.”