Page 9

Kiss

Blue left early to work at the motorcycle shop. After I took a shower, and dressed for the day, I grabbed a cup of coffee and joined Sully at the kitchen table.

“How you doing, peanut?”

“Good.” I propped one foot on the chair and glanced out at the morning mist coming off the grass. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been clean and content. But I recognized being happy with Blue didn’t mean I’d be happy being me. I needed help. But not at a methadone clinic to curb my cravings. I didn’t know how to live sober, and my sobriety wasn’t Blue’s responsibility.

“Seems like you and Blue got something good going.” He sipped his coffee and skimmed the news on his tablet.

I smiled. “We’re good.” I took a sip of my coffee. “He’s the reason I’m sober.”

Sully’s gaze met mine.

“But he shouldn’t be.” I picked at my fingernail. “I hurt a lot of people. I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want him to be afraid of my addiction.”

Sully turned off his tablet and pushed it into the center of the table. “Tell me the truth. You gonna use again? Don’t try to tell me you don’t know. You make a choice. No one promised life was going to be easy. And I ain’t saying you haven’t been dealt a shit hand.”

“I’m not going to use, but I can’t hide here. It’s easy to say I’m going to stay clean when I have a babysitter twenty-four hours a day. I found a hybrid program. It’s free outpatient therapy, and they offer NA meetings. I’d get a sponsor and a counselor. The NA meetings are every day and group therapy once a week.”

A slow smile played at his lips.

I twisted my fingers in my lap. “The NA meetings can be anonymous, but if I want the therapy, I have to sign up for the program. I don’t want to go alone. Will you take me?”

He pushed his chair back. “Hell yes.”

“We would have to go this morning.” The community center offered two daily NA meetings during the week, but registering for therapy was only offered before the morning meeting on Wednesdays.

“Get your boots on, grab a helmet, and let’s go.”

I pushed my chair back. “It’s across town. After today, I’ll get a bus pass.” Or hitchhike my way there, but I was going to do this.

“No need. Jazzy’s car is in the garage.” He put on his cut. “It’s a piece of shit, but it’ll get you around.”

I was about to argue, but Sully wagged a finger. Then waved me away.

In my room, I put on boots, pulled on a hoodie, and tucked my phone into my pocket. I grabbed my ID, the only thing from my backpack Jazzy had saved.

Five minutes later, I stood in the driveway while Sully awed and oohed because of the new custom paint job on his bike.

“This gives me a chance to show it off.” He ran his hand over the fuel tank. “Look at the way the sun hits it.” The paint glittered making the colors sparkle and pop. “Where’re we going?”

I showed Sully the address and Google map on my phone. Then I climbed on behind him. On his massive bike, I rested my hands on top of his shoulders. The pipes vibrated as we rumbled down the street.

By the time we arrived, I’d gone from being nervous about being around other addicts, to excited because I made this choice. But as I stared at the doors of the community center, fear set in.

“Do you want me to come in with you?”

I leaned into the solid wall of Sully’s warmth.

“Come on. Your shit days are behind you, peanut. These people want to help.” He wrapped an arm around me, gave me a squeeze, then ushered me toward the door.

We stepped inside. Folding chairs lined the perimeter of the reception area. A younger guy wore jeans and a cardigan. He sported a goatee and handlebar mustache waxed into tight points. He leaned against the reception desk but straightened as we approached.

His gaze remained on Sully. “Welcome,” he said. “You’re a little early for the morning meeting. There are coffee and cookies in the meeting room.”

I stepped forward. Did I still look like a junkie? Would he know that I still thought about getting high? At least, I remembered how good I felt. That moment of euphoria before guilt darkened my soul. And then I’d want another hit because why fucking bother pretending to be able to fight the dragon.

My throat tightened, tears welled in my eyes, and my lips trembled. Heroin always won, but I could fight my anxiety. I could conquer my insecurities. I could be brave even when I was fucking terrified. Because I’d promised Blue. I had to decide if I wanted to live or die.

I lifted my gaze and swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I need to talk to someone.”

His gaze quelled my fears, and his voice lowered. “I’m glad you’re here. My name is Ansel.”

Sully kissed the top of my head. “I love you, peanut. If you need me, I’ll be right over there after I grab a cup of that coffee Ansel offered.”

I nodded.

Ansel pointed to a small table behind the reception desk, away from prying eyes, and isolated.

I took a seat and clasped my hands between my knees.

“I have some questions for you,” Ansel said, sitting across from me with two folders. The first, he slid across to me. The second, he opened and picked up a pen to take notes. “Do you consider yourself an addict? If you don’t know, there is a list of questions in your folder.”

I opened the folder and read down the list. Yes, I used alone. Yes, drugs affected my relationships with others. Yes, I’d lied about how much I used. And yes, I’d overdosed.

The question not on the sheet. Would I rather be dead than use again? I’d answer yes. Knots twisted in my gut, but as soon as Sully found a seat in the reception area, I let out a breath. He winked and took a bite out of a cookie.

I listened as Ansel talked about the twelve steps of recovery and the twelve traditions of NA. But at the end of the day, what he wanted me to acknowledge was that I hadn’t become an addict overnight. And recovery was going to take the rest of my life .

“The group therapy sessions are closed meetings. Only those in active recovery are allowed, but you can bring family and friends to open meetings. You’re welcome to share your story. And maybe you’ll find inspiration from others. One a month, we have a friends and family night.”

By the time he’d finished speaking, people had begun to linger in the reception area. An older woman had taken the seat next to Sully. I stood, thinking we both needed a bit of rescuing. I was feeling overwhelmed, and Sully looked ready to run.

“Do you want to stay for the meeting today?” Ansel asked.

I clutched the folder to my chest. “Not today, but I’ll be back, hopefully tomorrow.”

“My number is on the card stapled to the inside of the folder.” He shook my hand.

Sully jumped to his feet, excused himself from the woman, and met me halfway to the door.

“How did it go?” he asked as soon as we exited the building. He slid on his mirrored sunglasses and pulled his bike keys from his pocket.

“I’m an addict, Sully. I can’t be afraid to admit that living sober scares me.” I released a shaky exhale. “But I must be getting better because using again scares me more.”

“I’m hungry. How about we get some breakfast?”

I nodded and climbed onto the back of his bike. “Thank you, Sully.”

He patted my leg. “You’re going to be okay, peanut.”

For the first time in a long time, I believed it, too.

Blu e

After I’d spent the morning at the shop changing the oil, adjusting the chain, and doing basic maintenance on a cruiser, I headed over to the clubhouse with Blade and Dozer. Torch had work to finish up in the pit, but he would meet us at the clubhouse with his truck.

Willow planned to take Levi to her baby appointment. And then she was going to stall until we could get all their possessions moved from the MC to the house.

As much as I liked being close to Kiss, staying at Sully’s was never going to be a long term option, and the thought of being homeless again was a new level of insecurity. Knowing I had the room in the MC alleviated one problem but created another. I hated the twist in my gut, knowing she wouldn’t come to the MC with me.

Blade gave a nod to Dozer, indicating he should go on without us, then Dozer walked ahead and entered the chapel.

I hung back with Blade.

“I talked to Jazzy. Listen, we all know you’ve got something going with Kiss.” He put his hand on my chest to stop our progression into the club. “Blue, I’m just asking you to consider what might be best for her.”

“I have.” I was the one who’d hit every trap house in a twenty mile radius to find her. I was the one who left one dealer dead, and a couple of Crawlers in need of stitches. And I was the one drying her fucking tears because this fucking lifestyle was too much for her. So yeah, I’d considered what was best for her, and it wasn’t leaving her to the streets. “She’s good.”

“She won’t be if you bring her back here. The Hellers have never brought her anything but trouble. You weren’t around when she was OD’ing in the bathroom. I’m telling you this for her. Kiss and the club are toxic together.”

“The Hellers have changed.”

“Not that much.” Blade tapped the name patch on my cut. “You’re my brother, and I love you. I know you want to be there for her. Hellers aren’t dealing in heroin anymore, but we’re never going to be clean and sober.”

“Levi is. And it isn’t because she’s knocked up. Romeo deals weed, but I’ve never seen her high.”

Blade sighed and slid his hands into his pockets. “Levi isn’t an addict. I’ve already spoken to the board. We grew up with Kiss. I’m sorry, Blue. But I love Kiss too much. Don’t bring her back to the clubhouse.”

“And if I do?”

“This isn’t a request. You wear that cut, you put this club first.”

“Fuck this.” I huffed. “The club comes first, but not before your old lady. Don’t tell me any of you would listen to this bullshit. You’d fuck up anyone who said shit about Hana.”

“We’re not doing this. I’m not telling you who you can fuck. It’s none of my business.” He shoved his fingers through his hair. “But fuck you, Blue if you think Kiss isn’t my business. Watching her fuck her life up for heroin hurt all of us. You want Kiss, good. But you’re not bringing her to the clubhouse. Don’t fight me on this.” He pointed to his president patch. “This says the decision is final.”

I tipped my head back, drew in a calming breath, but I was fired up. I hadn’t planned to force her to come with me to the MC, but I hadn’t fucking thought my prez would forbid it.

“Blue, you didn’t watch her convulse on the bathroom floor. She was fucking dying. I had to pump her full of naloxone. I had to watch my best friend fight another fucking demon because he felt responsible.”

I’d already come clean to Romeo. We were good.

Blade sucked in a sharp breath, released it slowly, and lowered his voice. “This isn’t about you. It’s about Romeo, Levi, and Dozer. We all love Kiss, and we know bringing her back won’t be good for her.”

“Don’t ask me to choose between the club and Kiss.” I couldn’t. I might not be part of the brotherhood, but I needed the MC. I needed Jazzy and the girls.

I glanced over my shoulder at the grating metal sound of the security fence sliding open. Bullet rode in with Stormy behind him. She waved as he rode along the row of bikes and dropped the kickstand.

“Lunch,” Stormy said, lifting a couple of bags. Bullet carried two more. His genuine smile felt like a punch to the chest. Facing the choice, I realized I needed to work through my issues with him. Over the last week, I’d gotten over my resentments toward him.

“I get it,” Blade said, drawing my attention back to our conversation. “You have responsibilities toward Kiss, but you have responsibilities to this club. Friday is a big fucking deal.” A smile crept across Blade’s lips. “Don’t say anything, because she doesn’t have a clue, but the Hellers need a new sergeant at arms. We want Jazzy. Maybe not so much Rogue.” Blade laughed. “He bitches, but he’s fucking proud of her. Sully knows.”

I couldn’t stop my own smile. This entire conversation was fucked, but I couldn’t deny Jazzy sewing on the SaA patch was epic. The girl idled at badass. Dozer wore the enforcer patch. But Jazzy would lay down the rules and bylaws. She’d be the law enforcer. Maybe I could get her to find a rule that would keep Kiss in the MC .

“Fuck, Blue. I’m not doing this to hurt you.” Blade cut into my thoughts. “You gotta know this isn’t about you. I’m telling you to keep her out of the MC for her .” We started toward the door. “Trust me. You don’t want to be the reason she relapses. Hellers are her addiction the same as heroin.”

Not just Hellers. Bikers. Once she’d lost Romeo, she’d gone to the Crawlers. Now she had me.

Doubts began to coil uncomfortably in my gut. Kiss and I weren’t connected by drugs, sex, or addiction. What I had with her was different. It had to be or everything I wanted to believe in with her would be a lie.

“You need to be here for church on Friday.” Blade’s final ultimatum didn’t leave room for compromise. As a patched member, church was mandatory.

As soon as we walked into the chapel, the scent of street tacos and burritos blended with exhaust fumes, leather, and cigarettes. I loved the smell of the MC. It permeated every good thought I’d had for the last year. Prospecting had given me courage, and my fucking patch had given me something to belong to.

But Kiss… She seeped deep. I needed her more than I needed the Hellers.

Jazzy walked out of the back with Rogue. They plopped down around the table next to Stormy and Bullet and dug into the food. I took one of the vacant stools.

“Where’s Kiss?” Jazzy stuffed a big bite of burrito into her mouth.

I cocked a brow. “She was still in bed when I left, so I assumed she was going to be with you. ”

“And I thought she was with you when she wasn’t at the house. Rogue left before me. He was headed to the prison to visit with Tank.”

Dozer’s dad’s thirty-six months on weapons charges had been dropped to twelve. I’d come to the club after he’d been locked up, but I’d seen pictures of him of the walls of the MC.

Jazzy pulled out her phone. “My dad wasn’t at the house either. Did he say anything about going somewhere with Kiss?”

“Neither said anything to me.” I sent Kiss a text. I didn’t want to come off abrasive and ask her where she was and who she was with, but those were the two thoughts in my head.

Last night, with Sully saying goodnight, was the first time anyone had hinted that my being with Kiss wasn’t a mistake. All the concerns from Jazzy, Romeo, Rogue, and even Bullet were starting to take root in my head.

Blue: Thinking about you. You okay?

Almost instantly, dots appeared on my phone.

Kiss: I’m with Sully. Are you okay?

Blue: I’m at the MC. Be home soon.

Kiss: Me, too.

“She’s with your dad,” I said to Jazzy.

“You can’t keep her locked up,” Bullet said. “It won’t stop her from using.”

This conversation wasn’t happening, not with me in it. They could think what they wanted. I wasn’t going to convince them Kiss wouldn’t relapse, I wasn’t going to be able to convince them she wanted to get clean, and I couldn’t convince them I wasn’t like the other bikers. Because I wasn’t sure I could convince myself .

Levi waddled out of the back room, stood at the table because there weren’t any open chairs, and unwrapped a taco. “I want to eat this, but everything is making me sick.”

I launched up. “You can sit here.”

She moaned around a bite of taco and shook her head at me. “Can’t,” she said, covering her mouth with her palm. “My crotch hurts.”

Jazzy choked on a laugh. “Hey, pretty boy,” she called to Romeo. He stood with Blade and Dozer behind the bar. “Leave your girl alone until after she has this baby.” She smirked at Levi.

Levi snorted. “I’m surprised he’s smiling. There isn’t enough room inside me for food. No way is he getting his dick in me.”

Stormy shot soda from her nose. “Oh my god.” She grabbed napkins.

“Sorry,” Levi said and chuckled. “I’ll just say Romeo’s balls are as blue as Blue’s.” She smiled at me with a tilt to her head. “Just teasing. I’ve heard about you and Kiss. Hana said you took her axe throwing.”

“Did you have fun?” Jazzy asked. “Did you do anything else?”

“Like what?” I asked as if I didn’t know exactly what she fished for.

Levi inhaled through her nose. “I don’t think the bean likes tacos.” She leaned her elbows on the table. I stood. Did I grip her shoulders, rub her back, get her a bowl to throw up in?

Romeo bounded across the room. “Back, pussy, or nipples?”

Stormy tossed a piece of lettuce at him. “Really? That’s why your balls are blue. You can’t talk to her like that. ”

“It’s baby poetry.” Romeo stood behind Levi, wrapped his arms around her, and gently lifted her belly. “The little bean is cockblocking me.”

“Great.” Levi rolled her eyes. “I just peed myself again.” Tears filled her eyes. “That’s like the fifth time today.” She shrugged out of Romeo’s arms. “I need your help to change my panties,” she said to him.

“Don’t wear any,” he said.

“Then I’ll pee on the floor. My mom and dad will be here in a minute to take me to the doctor.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” Romeo asked. His gaze shifted to Rogue. A grimace played on his lips.

“No. The doctor is just going to check me and send me home again. Besides, my mom and dad want to take me shopping after.”

Romeo glanced over her head to the rest of us at the table, wagged his brows, and then helped her waddle out of the chapel.

The door swung open, and sunlight cut through the floating dust motes. Bear and Willow were here to take Levi to her appointment, giving us time to move their belongings from the MC to the house.

Bear deviated to Blade and Dozer behind the bar, but Willow rushed toward us, the long gray braid down her back swishing with her steps.

“We just came from the house. The nursery is perfect.” She glanced around the room. “Where’s Romeo?”

“Levi peed her pants again.” Jazzy laughed as she took another bite of burrito.

“I haven’t seen you in a few weeks.” Willow rested a hand on my shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Good. ”

“And Shae?”

“She’s good, too.”

Her gaze softened. “Tell her that I miss her sweet smile, and her laugh. Let her know I’m always here for her. She’s one of my girls.”

Levi waddled back into the room. As soon as she saw her mom, she started to cry. Bear ambled out from behind the bar, crossed to Levi, and pulled her into a hug. “Come on, sweets.”

Romeo kissed Levi. “Text me as soon as you’re done.”

“Okay.” She sniffed, then Willow tried to hide her smile. As soon as the door closed, everyone scrambled.

“Boxes are in the office,” Blade said.

Not a lot of sorting was done. Romeo started pulling clothes out of the closet. We couldn’t all fit in the room with the chaos. I leaned against the hallway wall with Dozer and Blade.

Romeo, Bullet, and Jazzy filled boxes.

“Heavy shit goes on the bottom.” Bullet grabbed Levi’s college textbooks out of one box and put them into the bottom of another.

“Dude, the box is small.” Romeo dropped more into it. “You can’t overfill it.”

Jazzy braced her hands on her hips. “No, but the bottom could drop out. Bullet’s in charge.”

Bullet glanced around. “Where’s Rogue? I need him to hear this.”

Dozer slipped a cigarette between his lips. “Good thing he isn’t.”

All three of us watched them bicker.

Bullet supervised as Jazzy and Romeo continued to fill boxes. Dozer, Blade, and I stacked them in the chapel, and as soon as Torch arrived we carried them to the bed of the truck.

“Did you play Tetris?” I asked Dozer. He and Torch had boxes fitting together like a puzzle.

Torch jumped from the bed of the truck.

Jazzy hollered for Dozer from the entrance. We rushed into the bedroom. Romeo paced the floor, his phone to his ear, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Jazzy steepled her hands beneath her chin.

“What’s wrong?” Dozer asked.

“It’s Levi,” Bullet said.

Dozer ran his hands over his shaved head. “The baby?”

Jazzy nodded.

Romeo held up his hand as a warning to be quiet. “How long?” He paced and raked his long hair from his face. “Are you okay?” His voice lowered. “I love you, baby.” Tears slipped onto his cheeks. “Yeah, me, too.”

My gut clenched. I wouldn’t profess to knowing what being a father felt like, or knowing the woman you loved was hurting. Levi was tiny, and her belly was holding a Heller.

But I understood being worried about someone you cared about.

Romeo’s eyes closed, and he nodded as he listened. Swallowing hard, his Adam’s apple bobbed.

Dozer rested a hand on Romeo’s shoulder.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.” A soft laugh slipped from his lips. “Nah, I won’t need to run any red lights. Okay, fifteen minutes.”

He disconnected. None of us spoke as Romeo lowered his phone, and a smile twisted his lips. “We’re having a baby.” He clamped an elastic between his teeth, raked his fingers through his hair, gathered it, and then slipped it into a ponytail.

“You’re going to be a daddy.” Dozer pulled Romeo into a hug.

Romeo laughed, his face growing red from the excitement. “They said all the peeing she’s being doing today was actually her water breaking. She started having contractions in the doctor’s office.”

“What do you need from us?” Jazzy asked.

Romeo spun in a circle. “Fuck.”

The room was chaos. Boxes covered the bed. More were stacked on the floor.

“We need to get the boxes out to the truck.”

“We got the boxes,” Dozer said. “You need to get to the hospital. Can you ride, or do you want one of us to drive you over there?”

“I can ride.” Tears leaked from the corner of his eyes. “Fuck, dude. I’m going to be a dad.” Romeo hit a button on his cell and left it on speaker.

“Hi, sweetheart.” Shannon, Rogue’s sister, and Romeo’s mom, answered.

“Mom—” Romeo choked on the word.

“Micheal, what’s wrong?”

“Can you head up to the hospital? Looks like today is going to be the little bean’s birthday.”

She squealed. “Are you with Levi?”

“Not yet. I’m on my way,” Romeo said. “I’ll meet you at the hospital.” He smiled through his tears. “I love you, mom.”

“I love you.”

As soon as he disconnected, Jazzy launched onto him, hugging him tightly. “Kiss Levi for me. I’ll be there as soon as I can. ”

Bullet grabbed a box. “We got this. You go with him.”

Blade called Hana. Dozer was on the phone with Pippa. Torch was texting, so I assumed he was giving Gabi the news. There was a time when Kiss belonged in this group.

This was Romeo’s moment. And I felt awkward being in it when my loyalty was torn. So, I grabbed a box and carried it out to the truck.

Rather than go back inside, I rearranged a few of the boxes in the bed of the truck, probably fucked up the fit, but I wasn’t ready to go back in.

Two minutes later, Romeo and Jazzy rushed out of the clubhouse and straddled their bikes.

Bullet took over the move. In less than an hour, the rest of the boxes were loaded. Blade rode with Torch in the truck. Dozer, Bullet, and I followed on our bikes.

“I’m heading up to the hospital,” Dozer said once we’d unloaded the boxes into the garage.

I wanted to be there for Levi. But I hated that Blade’s words had rooted into my thoughts. Knowing Levi was about to have Romeo’s baby might make Kiss wish for what she used to have. What if it gave her a reason to use again?

She hadn’t done anything to make me think she would relapse, but here I was, waiting for her to fuck up.