Page 3

Blue

Time was moving too fast. Kiss rode on the back of my bike. Her thin arms circled my waist, and her fingers slid under my cut and curled into my T-shirt. She felt good behind me. With slow breaths, I tamped down the anxiety scorching through me.

She has her hands on me.

Fuck, she had no idea how her touch affected me. I was a live wire, buzzing and snapping, not sure if I should hit both brakes before I dropped into an uncontrollable slide into emotional shit or just ride the wave of fear. I didn’t do touching, not that I didn’t want her, not that I hadn’t imagined her on her knees choking on my cock. I wanted inside Kiss, but as soon as I let her into my head, my thoughts turned toxic.

She had her own demons. She didn’t need to deal with mine.

I patted her thigh. She tightened her arms, and I rolled the throttle. Kiss had heroin. I had two wheels and the rumble of my Harley.

Soft pink tinted the horizon. The streets were empty, and the air was crisp. Yet, heat from her body seeped into me. Wind whipped around us mixing with the roar of the pipes.

I swerved through a couple of turns. I could feel her anticipating the lean of the bike in the tightening of her hold and the change in her breathing. I’d thought I’d fucking lost her again when I’d found her in the bathroom. I had lost her, and I couldn’t fix her.

I guess I was surprised that Kiss would ask for Jazzy because Jazzy’s bullshit meter never missed. That had to be a good sign, right?

I slowed the bike.

Sully, Jazzy’s dad, lived in an older part of town in a large one-level house, with a huge two-story, double-deep, two-car garage. I pulled along the side and killed the engine.

Sully wore the sergeant at arms patch. I wasn’t surprised he raised a badass beast or that she’d be able to bring a biker like Rogue to his knees. Jazzy and Rogue lived in an apartment above the garage.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

She climbed from the bike and stared at the darkened windows above the garage. Gripping the straps of her backpack, she nodded and followed me up the wooden stairs to the small deck protruding over the garage doors.

The motion detection lights flickered on.

“Maybe we should come back later,” she said. “I’m sure she’s sleeping.”

I glanced over my shoulder. “How long before you start getting sick?”

I didn’t want her to suffer, but she was going to. Without medical assistance, coming down was going to feel like crashing a 747 into the ocean. She was going to hit hard, and it was going to hurt.

“I don’t know. Soon. ”

I gently rapped my knuckles on the door and listened. I knocked a little louder.

A deep grumble sounded from inside. “What?”

I had to admit. A pissed off Rogue wasn’t something I wanted to deal with. Maybe I should’ve texted Jazzy first.

“It’s Blue. I need to talk to Jazzy.”

Kiss shifted to stand behind me.

Rustling sounded, and the door opened. Rogue squinted, adjusting to the light over the door. “She’s asleep.” Then his gaze focused behind me, and a low groan rolled from his chest.

“Jazzy,” he said over his shoulder. “Give us a minute,” he said to me and closed the door.

Of course, they’d been in bed and would need a minute to get dressed. Light streamed through the window, and Kiss took a step closer to me.

“I can’t believe Rogue and Jazzy are together. Not because of her. She always had a thing for assholes.” A smile curled the corner of her lips. “Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. We are talking about Jazzy. Growing up, she was always up for a dare. She was closest to Blade and Vance. They were both assholes.”

Vance picked up the road name Torch when he patched back into the MC. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know any of the Hellers until about a year ago. Pike had brought me into the MC as a hang-around, but I knew I wanted to prospect for the club. I wanted to feel like I belonged. Fuck me. I’d earned my patch and still felt like an outsider.

Kiss stared at the window. “But she doesn’t take any shit, either. ”

I leaned against the building. “You don’t have to sell me on Jazzy. She’s the only girl I’ve ever let ride my bike.”

Kiss sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, then let it pop free. “Really? You must be close to her.”

I snorted. “Getting close to Jazzy is like hugging a cactus. She and Hana are ball breakers. You want sweet, you have to hang out with Pippa and Levi.” I shifted my gaze to her. “But you know that about Levi.”

“I guess the MC has changed a lot.”

“Seems so.” I slid my hands into my pockets. “I wasn’t around before Blade was president, but I heard his old man wasn’t anyone I’d want to know.”

“I wish I’d never met him.” Her voice took on a sharp edge. “Razor gave me my wings.”

“Fuck.” I wasn’t going to walk her down memory lane in the MC. Giving her wings meant shooting her up for the first time.

Before I could change the subject, Jazzy opened the door. She glanced from me to Kiss. A moment of hesitation thickened the air between them. Kiss’s eyes were glossed with fear, pupils blown with condemnation, and teetering on the edge of a choice that was going to tear her apart.

“Come on, baby girl,” Jazzy said.

I stepped out of the way, and she pulled Kiss into her arms. Kiss clung to her as sobs racked her body. I swallowed the tightness in my throat.

There were five stages to recovery and a dark path to relapse. Kiss had made it through two. First, she thought about getting clean, and after three times in rehab, she made it through the second step. She understood life was going to feel like shit for a while. This was step three. She was going to make changes .

“Are you ready?” Jazzy whispered to her.

For two painful beats of my heart, I worried Kiss would change her mind. But she inched away, wiped her eyes, and a small smile found her lips.

“I want to be.” She released a shuddering exhale. “This time feels different, like I’m choosing, but I’m afraid.”

Jazzy kept an arm around Kiss and led her into the apartment. “Then you do it scared. You say yes, and you figure it out.”

Rogue stood at the kitchen counter and started a pot of coffee brewing.

Jazzy’s place was an open loft. A couch and chairs created a living room in the front of the loft, and a small kitchen with a bar-height table and stools were on the left. At the rear of the space was their bedroom area with a bed, closets, and a bathroom.

Jazzy was a minimalist. Since her dad and Rogue were part of the fabric of the Hellers, all she needed was in the MC. Her mom was around, but Jazzy was definitely… I’d say she was a daddy’s girl, but I’d heard her whispers to Rogue. She wasn’t calling Sully daddy.

I stood next to Rogue in the kitchen, and Jazzy sat with Kiss on the couch.

“Where did you find her?” Rogue asked.

I didn’t realize anyone other than Cruz knew I was looking for her. “At a party.”

No doubt, Kiss was going to confess everything to Jazzy. I hadn’t been patched in for long, and I was about to drop a bomb on Rogue. But I couldn’t risk shit coming back on Kiss with Jazzy involved.

“Last night, Cruz and I went to a party on the west side. I found her there. We got her out just before the cops raided the place.” I rubbed dirt from my knuckles. “ We hid in a vacant trailer with Cruz and a couple other guys. Some shit went down.”

Rogue poured a cup of coffee. “What kind of shit?”

“She’s in deep again. I threatened her dealer. Told him if he ever put another needle in her arm, I’d kill him.”

Rogue paused in his sip of coffee. “Blue, come at me straight. What happened?”

“I guess he didn’t think I was serious. It’ll look like an overdose,” I said.

“Fuck.” He set the cup on the counter. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

Jazzy and Kiss turned toward us.

Rogue took a breath and lowered his voice. “Who all was in the trailer?”

“Me and Kiss. A guy named Kane. Cruz knows him.”

“And the dead dealer? Don’t leave out the fucking corpse. Jesus Christ, kid.”

“I fucking lost it. I gave him the choice. Lethal dose of the heroin he’d hooked Kiss on, or I’d fill his veins with cleaner. He went out the same way he would’ve killed Kiss. He died high.”

My guts knotted as I waited for his reaction. Maybe something was wrong with me. I’d intimidated a drug dealer into killing himself, yet all I felt was fucking relief that he’d never touch Kiss again.

Rogue took another sip of coffee. As he swallowed, a muscle clenched in his jaw. “Is there any way he can be connected back to Kiss?”

“I wouldn’t be here if there was. The trailer is a vacant rental in a trailer park called Shady Valley. The guy’s name was Sam. He broke into the trailer, loaded the syringe, and he delivered the dose. Just another dead junkie in a bathtub. Nothing to say we were even there.”

“Any witnesses?”

“Nah. Neighbors were too busy watching the raid to notice anything else.”

“If you hear a fucking whisper about it, you come to me first.” Rogue put a cigarette between his lips. “You need to let them work it out,” he said about Jazzy and Kiss. “Let’s take a walk.”

I followed Rogue to the door.

Kiss launched to her feet. “Are you leaving?”

I hitched my thumb toward the door. “I’m just stepping out.”

“Don’t go. I mean, don’t leave me.”

“I’ll be right outside the door.”

“Okay.” She slowly lowered to the couch, and I joined Rogue on the small deck.

“What’s going on with you and Kiss?” Rogue exhaled a stream of smoke into the crisp morning air.

“Just friends.” I leaned forward and rested my forearms on the wood railing. “I fucked up letting her crash at Indulgence. She never should have been messed up in the shit with Bullet and his old lady.” I picked at a splinter of wood on the railing.

“You were trying to help her. I get it. We’ve all tried.”

I shrugged. “She was hitting the methadone clinic. She was doing good. Then I got hurt, and she had nowhere to go. She won’t go to treatment again. She said she needs Jazzy.”

“Jazzy can get her through detox, but she can’t keep her clean. That’s all on Kiss.” Rogue pulled another long drag off his cigarette. “Blue, she’s a nice girl, but she’s toxic. She won’t stay clean, and this won’t last. Kiss always goes back to black, and then she’ll be gone again.” He flicked his thumbnail against the butt of his cigarette. “I’m not going to let her pull you down with her.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I wouldn’t touch heroin.”

He pivoted toward me. “Fuck, I’m not worried about drugs. I’m talking about a dead dealer in a bathroom. I’m talking about how killing changes a man. I’m talking about you.” He was quiet as he squinted into the sunshine. “You don’t have to say anything. Just listen. Fixing Kiss isn’t going to fix you.”

Uneasiness prickled along my spine. There was nothing wrong with me that I was willing to talk about. That Rogue could see my cracks had nausea burning in my gut.

“I’m fine.”

Rogue snorted. “Talk to Dozer about saying shit is fine. Fucking insecure, numb, and empty. He gets himself straight in the basement with a good fight.”

I had my bike. I loved the MC but fuck the brotherhood. “I’m good.”

Rogue released a heavy exhale. “You have friends, Blue.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Just don’t expect too much out of this.”

I didn’t know why, but it pissed me off that he warned me off Kiss. I wasn’t ignoring her past, but she’d asked for Jazzy. This time, she was the one asking for help. “Maybe you should expect more.”

A moment passed, then Rogue chuckled. “Fuck, kid, maybe you’re what she needs.”

Those were words I wanted to hear, but Rogue was wrong. I wasn’t what she needed. Black had poisoned Kiss, but I didn’t need a substance to fuck up my life. I’d never be clean. And I’d never be anything more than her friend.

Kiss

I hated to think about my past. I hated the things I’d done, and I hated the things I’d done to others. I’d lied, stolen, and cheated. I was a shitty friend. Unless I needed something, then I could be charming. I could smile, flirt and fuck to get what I wanted. And I always wanted black.

When I was high, I didn’t have a history. I floated, blissfully unaware of anything but the smooth glide of euphoria through my veins. Black made me forget about anything but getting high.

Jazzy didn’t know all my secrets. She didn’t know I’d sucked and fucked Blade’s dad for black, didn’t know I’d stolen money and weed from Romeo, and she didn’t know I’d slept with Crawlers to get high.

Bullet knew. He’d seen me at their clubhouse. I’d believed him when he claimed to leave the Hellers. I used his betrayal of the club to justify my own. I’d been too high to see the truth. Actually, I was too high to care.

Tears filled my eyes. There was no way for me to make things right. Why was I even trying?

My gaze drifted to the crack in the curtains. Blue leaned against the wooden rail. His cut stretched across the muscular contours of his back. The Heller Raiders patch reminded me of the boys I’d used to kiss in the basement of the MC.

Kissing Heller boys. That’s how I got my name. No one remembered the insecure girl named Shae with a drugged-out mom who walked away and a biker dad who cared more for the MC than he did his daughter .

“Do you know what you want?”

Jazzy’s voice cut through my bad trip down memory lane.

I glanced at Blue. I knew who I wanted.

“Yeah, I do.”

Her gaze followed mine. “He’s here, Kiss. But he can’t do this for you. It’s all on you, baby girl.”

“I don’t want to go back to rehab. It won’t work for me. The councilors will tell me to make new friends and to stay away from my triggers. I can make anything a trigger. I don’t need a reason to use.” I blinked to keep tears from my eyes. “But I have a reason to get clean.”

Jazzy covered my hand with hers. “He won’t be enough.”

I glanced at Blue once more, then turned to Jazzy. “Are you close to him?”

“To Blue?”

I nodded.

“As close as anyone.”

Did she know he had secrets, too? I didn’t care about much when I was high, but I’d couldn’t forget the way he looked and the things he said before he stuck the needle in his arm. Maybe broken needed broken. I needed Blue, but maybe he needed me more.

“He works for Bullet,” I said.

Bullet was a pimp and was always surrounded by beautiful women. Women who liked to fuck. I couldn’t stop wondering if that was why Blue never made a move on me. I’d rather think of him getting his dick wet in Bullet’s girls because the alternative was that he couldn’t stand the thought of being with me.

Why would he? I was a whore for black.

Jazzy smiled. “He used to work for Bullet, but Bullet shut down Indulgence. He got married last night. I don’t think anyone was more shocked than Bullet that Stormy said yes.”

Holy shit. Bullet married. This was the stuff that hurt…that had always hurt. Clinging to Romeo had been my only way of masking my insecurity. Romeo and I were a bad habit. He could pretend he didn’t want Levi, and I could pretend to be a part of the crew.

I knew we weren’t together. Romeo never chased after me, and he didn’t care if I slept with other guys. He’d claimed we couldn’t cheat on each other because we weren’t in a relationship. He didn’t do relationships.

He was a liar. He’d always been in a relationship with Levi. I’d hated her as much as I loved her because Romeo was so protective of her, but sex was all he wanted from me.

“You’ll like Stormy,” Jazzy said. “The MC has changed since Razor died. I know it’s going to hurt to see Romeo and Levi together, but you can’t let it be a reason to use again.”

“I always knew they’d end up together. Romeo couldn’t go to bed at night without checking in on her. And Levi was my best friend.” I sighed. “I know I wasn’t a good friend to her. I knew how she felt about him, and I still went after him.”

Jazzy crossed her legs and pivoted toward me. “They’re good together. She keeps him on his toes. I figured they’d be the first to get married.” She laughed. “Bullet works fast.”

I could imagine the celebration. No one would’ve guessed Bullet would ever give up his girls. Maybe he hadn’t. Just because he shut down his massage parlor, didn’t mean he wasn’t still keeping his whores busy at the MC .

“Does Blue fuck around with the Heller whores in the MC?”

“He’s not like Romeo if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve never seen him hook up with a girl, and he’s not smashing any of Bullet’s whores. But Kiss, he’s not a reason to get clean.”

Jazzy was wrong. And I didn’t think she knew Blue at all, or she’d see what I did. Blue was broken, too, and he needed someone to fix. I couldn’t stay clean for me, but I’d fight my demons for Blue. “This time, I’m ready.”

“I’m not a rehab, Kiss. I can get you through the detox, but you need to go to treatment.”

“I know, but—” I took a breath to argue, but she interrupted me.

“No, we’re not going to fight about it. I’m not going to watch you hurt yourself, and I’m not going to let you put Blue through this shit. You’re an addict, Kiss. It’s time to start hearing the truth. No going for one more hit. No excuses. No debate. If you want my help, it comes with strings, the steel-belted type.”

I understood, and this time, I was going to quit black. But I had to admit just thinking those words had fear bursting inside me. Like going back to an abusive boyfriend, I’d convince myself I could handle the relationship in small doses. But I couldn’t. My body began to shake because I knew what was coming. Stomach cramps, anxiety, fever, nausea, runny nose, sweating. Up all fucking night, I’d wish for just a little to chase the pain.

Jazzy grabbed onto my hands and held them tightly. “It’s okay, baby girl. Rock bottom isn’t the end. It’s the foundation. But we both know the next week is going to be rough. How bad is your habit? ”

“At least once or twice a day. But small hits. I’m mostly smoking it.” I’d been on a few binges, too. “I’m getting sick, but I’m not in deep this time.” I needed it to hurt. I needed to hate black more than I loved the high. I needed it to be hard because this was the last time. “I promise. I’m ready.”

Jazzy wrapped her arms around me. “You’re going to hate me.”

“I won’t.” I clung to her.

She inched back. “You will, but it’s okay. I can take it. When you decide it’s not worth it, because I promise, the drugs are going to fuck with your head, I swear, I’ll chain you up in the basement of the MC.”

Panic gripped me. “Not the MC.” I wasn’t ready to go back. They’d hate me for what I’d done to Blue. Levi hated me. Romeo hated me. Blade would hate me if he ever found out what I’d done with Razor.

They’d all hate me if they discovered I’d gotten in bed with Crawlers.

Jazzy cocked a brow. “I guess that’s a good reason not to run.” She pointed to the backpack. “Is there anything in there that would get you high?”

“Probably.” I dragged the backpack onto my lap. The backpack was my way to run. My go bag. I slid it over to Jazzy. “I don’t need it if I’m not running.”

“Good girl. Courage is victory over your fears.” She grabbed the backpack. “Do you want to take a shower? I have clothes you can wear. You’re not going to want anything but one of Rogue’s T-shirts and a pair of loose shorts.”

I’d rather have one of Blue’s shirts, but if Jazzy had one of Blue’s shirts, I’d be hurt. Because it would be too intimate for friendship. I mentally smiled, Rogue would go crazy if Jazzy wore another man’s shirt .

She wiped a tear from my cheek. “It’s going to be hard, but you’re a Heller, and you’ve got this. The first twenty-four hours are the worst. The cravings will come on like waves. Make it through one, and then the next, and eventually, you’ll get through it. I’m going to force you to drink fluids and eat.”

“I know.” I was using but I hadn’t built up a tolerance to it yet. I could only pray that meant my withdrawal symptoms wouldn’t last as long.

Jazzy led me to the bathroom, handed me a change of clothes, and tried to give me an encouraging smile. Then she left me alone with my reflection. I stripped, stared into the bathroom mirror, and tried to see me as Blue had to see me.

Why would he be attracted to me? I was a junkie.

I’d changed. My insecurities weren’t buried deep inside me, not anymore. I wore my addiction. My pupils were blown, and my skin wasn’t bronzed from rides on the back of a bike. I was dope sick and too thin to be healthy. I used to brag that my body was a playground for guys. I was a whore before heroin.

In junior high, I’d been on the cheer squad with Levi. We’d only lasted a year. I’d been more interested in the boys on the field than on cheering for the team. Levi had been good. Too good. Romeo would watch her practice, so I convinced her to quit, too.

I never wanted to be this girl again. Blue had searched for me, and he’d found me. “He claims I’m worth fighting for,” I told my reflection. I wasn’t, but he was.

After the shower, I put on the clothes Jazzy had left for me. When I stepped out of the bathroom, Blue sat with Jazzy and Rogue at the small kitchen table. Bacon scented the air, and another pot of coffee brewed on the counter.

Blue stood from the table and approached. “Are you hungry?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want anything in my stomach when the sickness hit.

Rogue’s chair scraped the flooring as he pushed away from the table and refilled his coffee cup. “Sit,” he said to me.

Blue’s gaze tracked down my body. Uncomfortable with the scrutiny, I tucked my wet hair behind my ear. “Jazzy gave me clothes to wear.”

“She didn’t have one of her own shirts you could wear?” He ushered me to the table and held out the chair next to his. “You need to eat.” His words came out clipped. I didn’t have to guess why he was upset. He didn’t like me in Rogue’s shirt. I shouldn’t be buzzing on the inside, but that had to mean something.

“We’ve been discussing the situation,” Rogue said taking his seat again. “Since you’ll be here for a few days, I’ll sleep in the house.”

“I lost my apartment when I was laid up.” Blue leaned back in the chair. “I’ve been staying in Blade’s room at the MC.”

A rush of anxiety slipped through my veins. I didn’t want him to see me going through withdrawals, but not having him close would be worse.

Blue’s gaze shifted to Jazzy. “I know she needs you, and you make the rules for this, but don’t ask me to leave her. I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” Rogue curled his hand around his coffee mug. “Here’s how this shit is going to go down. Jazzy won’t be able to work her shift at Crew Custom Cycle. That means you’re working it. When you’re not busy in the shop, I’ve got stuff for you to do. Bullet isn’t using you to watch his kittens. You need money. I’m giving you a way to earn some.”

Jazzy covered Blue’s hand with hers. “You don’t want to be here. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her. You can stay in the house with Rogue. Just be prepared to play cards with my dad.”

I stared at Blue, scared to be away from him but ready for this to be over. I wanted to get back to where we were before he was hurt, and I fucked us up. I wanted to feel more than the ache in my bones for another shot.

“You should go,” I whispered because I was at the precipice of hell. Sweat slicked my skin, and the dragon’s hot breath shivered down my back. My demon wanted another hit.

Blue stood, pulled me to my feet, and wrapped his arms around me. “I’ll get you whatever you need. Just have Jazzy text me.”

I breathed in the scent of him, felt the warmth of his body, and the strength of his arms. “Don’t give up on me.”

“Never.”