Page 11

Blue

Deserted streets passed in a blur. I rolled the throttle and picked up speed. The rumble of the engine vibrated into my balls, a tingle zipped through me, and my mind slowly drifted off the toxic shit and focused on the girl behind me, clinging to my waist.

Being on two wheels eased the tightness in my chest and calmed the heavy suffocation forcing me into a six feet deep hole.

The bite of the night wind whipped around us. Without helmets, we rode fast and free. Only the glare of the headlight and the glow of the moon lit the night. We were a pocket of movement in a sea of darkness.

Old Post Highway had become a locals-only backroad. I took the exit to the burned-out flour mill. Weather and neglect had taken a toll on the surface of the road. The asphalt had cracked and created potholes the size of craters.

There was nothing out here except silence.

I rolled around to the backside of the factory. Everything but the brick building along the silos had burned years ago. Now, it was nothing but a tagger’s playground. Gangs had left their marks, but time and the elements had faded most of the colors .

“Watch where you step,” I said to Kiss as she slid off the bike. “Keep your gloves on.”

I shoved my bike keys into my front pocket, then linked my gloved fingers with hers.

“What is this place?” she asked, watching where she stepped on the uneven ground.

“It’s an old flour mill.” I led her around to the north side of the building. A rusted steel ladder led to the roof of the aging brick building.

She grabbed onto the rail. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

No. I was fucking terrified to bring her here. This wasn’t a place I came to think. It wasn’t sacred or cathartic. This was my heroin. Kiss was right. I couldn’t rush my recovery. This was my leap of faith.

Only this time, I wasn’t here to contemplate the jump.

The metal groaned as she climbed the first rungs.

I climbed right behind her. If she lost her footing, I’d be able to catch her, or we’d both go down together. Now, I was taking her with me into my morbid fucking thoughts.

She paused on the twentieth rung. “Oh my god.”

“Don’t look down. Just climb. We’re almost to the roof.”

She started climbing again. When we reached the top, she stepped over the wall of the roof. I followed her over. Garbage and debris littered the tar and gravel rooftop.

“This way,” I said and tugged off my gloves.

From this height, the horizon stretched on forever. City lights peppered the skyline to the north. To the east, the distant glow of headlights and red taillights marked the lanes of I-95 .

“How did you find this place?” She turned in a circle as she took her gloves off. “It’s quiet but creepy,” she said and smiled.

I didn’t remember the first time I’d come to the rooftop. I only remembered the reason I’d come. “I haven’t come out here much since I joined the MC.”

“How did you become a Heller?”

“I met Pike at a bike meetup. After he patched into the club, he convinced me to hang around. Having the patch feels good, but I don’t really spend a lot of time with the guys, except Cruz.” Not that we were hanging out much now that I spent all my time with Kiss.

“Jazzy told me you hang with the girls.”

“I know you can’t be jealous. We both know I haven’t fucked any of them.”

“Have you wanted to?”

“I’m not answering that. You’re the only girl I want.” I dropped my gloves and put my hands on the edge of the perimeter ledge. A concrete wall stood about three feet from the flat of the roof and was about a foot wide. I sat and swung my legs over the side.

“Blue! What the fuck are you doing?” Panic raised her voice.

Clearly, I was in a better place because I never feared the ledge. But tonight, a shiver of apprehension skittered down my spine. My voice lowered. “I used to stand on this ledge and wonder what I’d think about on my way down.”

Would I remember my mother’s soft voice before the anger, my father’s praise before the accusations, or my sister’s laugh before the tears?

A soft gasp of breath was Kiss’s only response.

“This is my light.” She’d once told me she’d get as close to the light without going through it. This was my edge. I leaned forward just enough to see the ground more than thirty feet below me. “I’d be bones before anyone discovered the body.”

“That’s morbid.” She dropped her gloves next to mine, then her hand covered mine as she carefully straddled the wall. She shifted until she sat next to me, and her legs dangled over the edge.

“Until I met you, no one would have cared.” I squinted into the darkness.

“That’s not true. Jazzy would care. Rogue, Dozer. I don’t need to read the list of Hellers. The MC is family by bond, not by blood.”

I bowed my head. “If I rode off, they’d assumed I’d bounced.”

“Maybe you haven’t given them a chance to get to know the real you.”

The real me? Fuck, no one knew the real me. I didn’t even know the real me anymore.

“Sully told me I had to choose to be clean even when shit gets hard.” She lowered her voice to imitate Sully and rubbed her imaginary beard. “Whoever said life would be easy lied to you.”

I chuckled. “Wouldn’t be the first time I was lied to.”

Kiss sighed. “Me, either.” She plucked a broken piece of concrete from the edge and tossed it over the side. The chunk bounced off the ground and disappeared into the dried weeds. “It’s lonely up here.”

“It’s lonely in here.” I tapped my head, not really sure why I spoke the words aloud, except I wanted her to know she wasn’t the only one fighting her demons.

“How many times have you thought about jumping?”

I sucked in a sharp breath because her words felt like a kick to the chest. “Every fucking day. ”

“Blue.” She leaned her head against my shoulder. “I wouldn’t want to live in a world without you in it.”

I kissed her temple. “Same.”

Night sounds surrounded us. The whistle of the wind blew between the twin silos adjacent to the building. Crickets chirped in the weeds, and planes passed overhead on approach to the airport. But for this moment, I was with her, and I didn’t want to jump.

“How are your cravings and withdrawals?”

She shrugged. “Nothing tastes good. I feel nervous all the time. I never stop thinking about the needle.” She pinched her face, crinkling her nose as she seemed to think about what she wanted to say. “It’s like a bruise. I keep pushing on it to see if it still hurts. I know one day I’m going to be healed because I’m going to push, and I’m not going to feel anything. At least, it won’t hurt. Maybe I’ll still remember what being high felt like. I hope I never forget the feeling of coming clean because it’ll be like a scar. I’ll remember how I felt, and that I don’t have to hurt like that ever again.”

My heart slammed against my ribs. “What if the scars keep me from forgetting? They’re fucked up reminders when all I want to do is forget.”

“Your scars make you beautiful.” She turned and stared at me. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do. I love everything about you, even that you’re a Heller,” she said. “The MC is always going to be important.”

Her gaze held me hostage, wanting to believe she could love me, but she didn’t know about the dark shit in my past. “Not more important than you.”

“I was talking to Sully today. I want to be a Heller again. Earning back everyone’s trust, especially Levi’s and Romeo’s is going to be hard. I have too many fucked up secrets.”

Not more than me.

“I don’t know how I’ll tell Blade the truth about Razor.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.” Not all secrets should be shared. “If there is a god, then he’s sent Razor to hell. He didn’t just fuck you up. From what I was told, he was poison to the club.”

“I have to own the mistakes I’ve made. I chose to do drugs. I chose to lie. I hate what you must think about me.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

She arched a brow. “My body count is humiliating. I can’t run from my reputation.”

First fucking thing either of us said that felt good to hear. I couldn’t stop the smile on my lips. She worried about how many guys she’d fucked, and I wanted to be one of them.

“Are you laughing?”

“Come on. You know it’s funny. We all have shit in our past. The only body count Hellers worry about is how many we have to bury.”

A shy smile curved her lips. “Considering Levi was the only virgin in the group, I suppose you’re right.” Her eyes widened. “Not that there is anything wrong with being a virgin. Levi wouldn’t care that Romeo rode girls more than he rode his Harley. I just mean, I’m glad you aren’t judging me, either. Oh, god, I’m shutting up now.”

“I think you’ve forgotten what it means to be a Heller.”

“I think it’s the opposite. I do remember. I have to try to make things right with the crew. You’ll be living there, and I want to spend time with you. I know I can’t go back to hanging out in the playhouse.”

The guys had told me stories about the old mausoleum behind the clubhouse. They were kids causing mischief while their dads raised hell, earning the name Hellers.

“I’ve never been back there,” I said.

“I’ll take you. There used to be a tire swing out back, too.” She smiled, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight. “It’s been a while since I remembered the good times. I won’t rush my recovery, but I don’t want to be afraid of the MC. Will you bring me to church on Friday night? I’d love to see Jazzy get her patch.”

“I think you should wait.”

She blinked a few times, and she sank her teeth into her bottom lip. “Why?”

“I just think after a couple weeks of meetings and counseling you’ll be stronger.” And I’d have time to talk to Blade, convince him that she could handle the club.

“I’m strong enough now. I should’ve been there for Sully. I should’ve been there when one of my best friends lost his dad and became president. Dozer’s dad is in prison. Levi and Romeo have a baby, but I’ve been too selfish and self-absorbed to care about anything but the next high. I know I fucked up, and I know I’m only here now because of you.”

Tears slipped down her cheeks, and she braced her hands on the ledge.

“I’m not going to use.” She glanced at me. “Do you believe me?”

My gut clenched, a lie poised on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t know what to believe. Instead, I stayed silent .

“I’m ready to go home.” She spun her legs back over the side of the wall.

“I can’t take you to the club.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

I swallowed the regret lodged in my throat. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Blade.”

“Blade what?”

I twisted around, staying on the ledge, and faced her. “The board made a decision. Dozer, Blade, Romeo, Torch, and Rogue.” I ticked off their names on my fingers. “Every one of our friends care about you. They know we got something going. No one has issue with that. Not Levi. Not Romeo. But they think the club is too much for you.”

“And what do you think?”

My jaw ached from the tight clench.

“Blue?”

“I don’t know.” I raked my fingers through my hair. “Fuck, Kiss, I don’t fucking know.” I stood and took a step toward her.

She countered taking a step away from me. “Blue, you’re scaring me because I don’t know who you are right now. You don’t trust me.”

“This isn’t about trust.”

“Yes, it is. You don’t trust me with the fucking truth. You don’t trust me when I tell you I won’t use. You. Don’t. Trust. Me.”

“I do!”

“Then tell me what’s wrong between us.”

“Am I scared of relapse? Fuck, yes, I’m scared. I can’t lose you again. When I’m with you, and you’re telling me everything I want to hear, I’m legit good. But I get around Blade, Dozer, Rogue” –my voice grew louder with every name– “Romeo, and Torch, then I don’t know what to think. They know you better than I do.”

“How can you say that?” She took a jarring step away from me. “I’m ready to go home.” She snatched her gloves off the ground.

“Kiss.” The rough gravelly tone barely camouflaged the fear in my voice.

She shook her head and headed to the ladder.

I grabbed my gloves and rushed after her. “Let me go first.”

She stepped to the side, and I climbed over the wall, braced my feet on the rung, and held still, staring at her. A light breeze ruffled her blonde hair, tears reflected in her eyes, and her lips quivered with a broken frown.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and took one step down, then another. “Okay, step over.”

She carefully climbed over the wall and placed her feet on the rungs.

“Take it slow,” I said.

“It’s fine, Blue. You don’t have to worry. Trust that I know how to climb down a ladder.” She took another step down.

“And trust that I’m always going to be right here, ready to catch you if you fall.”

Kiss

I clung to Blue as we rode home. He was hurting, but so was I. I’d done this. I’d created the mistrust because I’d never been trustworthy. Where did I go from here? Sully wouldn’t kick me out, but I wasn’t going to stay. I’d rather leave before the situation escalated to ugly with Heather .

And I didn’t want to be around Rogue, not if he was just waiting around for me to relapse, too. If I was never going to be back at the MC, I had to make new friends, new sober friends. The kind you find at meetings.

Blue pulled along the garage and cut the engine to the bike. I climbed off, but before I could escape, he gently banded his fingers around my wrist. Warmth from his hand seeped into my skin. Shivers chased up my arm, fluttered into my chest, and sent a kaleidoscope of butterflies into my belly.

His touch was my high. The scent of him, the deep seductive timbre of his voice, and his broken fucking pieces were becoming my addiction.

“I’m sorry.”

I paused but stared at my feet. I couldn’t look in his eyes. Seeing him hurt only made me need him more. “I’m not angry,” I whispered. “But I don’t want to talk.”

“I didn’t say anything about the club because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.” I took a step back, and he let me go. “But you can’t protect me from the truth. You can’t protect me from myself.” Maybe for the first time, I wanted to be clean. I wanted to handle my shit. “I don’t want you to.”

Blue stayed on his bike, and I headed to the house. As soon as I had my key in the lock, the engine revved, and he took off. My heart ached, but we both needed to think about whether or not we were good for each other.

I kept hurting him, and he’d just shown how he could hurt me.

***

Sully came home. I listened to him bustle around the kitchen, flip off lights, and use the restroom. These walls were thin. His mattress squeaked, and he groaned. Ten minutes later, soft snores filtered into my room from his.

Until Blue came home, I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. I rolled onto my side, and thought about all the reasons why he wouldn’t have told me about Blade. A couple of hours alone had given me perspective. Why would they want me back at the club?

It had been a long time since we were kids, kissing in the playhouse, stealing cigarettes and beer from our dads, and dreaming about all the cool shit we’d do when we grew up.

While I’d become a junkie, the crew made their dreams come true. The guys had the MC, Levi had a baby, and Jazzy was going to be on the fucking board. She was always the rockstar of the group.

I remember telling Blue I wasn’t very likeable. I guess now he’d believe me.

A rumble rolled down the street. My pulse jumped, then slowed because it wasn’t Blue. The vehicle faded into the distance.

How could I miss what I never really had? I ran with Blade and the others, but I’d made choices that ruined it all anyway. They didn’t really like me then, so why would they want me around now? And the fucked up part was that those were my favorite memories. At least, they were my only truly good memories.

Until Blue.

Even though I wasn’t doing heroin, my addictions still poisoned everything good I could have in my life.

Getting high made dealing with my emotions easier because I didn’t have to care about anyone, not even myself. I fought the tears welling in my eyes. I hated that I cried all the time.

I hated this sour feeling in my stomach .

I cared about Blue. God, I’d fallen hard for him. This was why I always went back to black. Black didn’t have feelings either.

A motorcycle rumbled slowly down the road, the engine growing louder, then cutting off. My pulse rabbited, and my ears tuned to the key in the lock, the twist of the knob, and the soft thud of the door closing. Flooring creaked as Blue came down the hall.

My breath froze, and I waited. Would he come into my room?

No. The door opened across the hall and closed with a quiet click. I closed my eyes as tears slipped onto my cheek and soaked into my pillow.

This shouldn’t feel like shit. I’d told him I didn’t want to talk, but I wanted more than the silence between us. At least, he was home.

***

I must have cried myself to sleep because sunlight cut through the gap in the curtains. Outside my door, Sully’s muffled voice floated from the kitchen. I scrambled out of bed, pulled my tangled hair into a messy ponytail on top of my head, and opened my bedroom door.

The scent of coffee filled the kitchen. Rogue sat at the table across from Blue and Sully. For a moment, conversation stopped. Blue cast a quick glance at me. Then he turned away and took a sip of his coffee.

“Good morning, peanut.” Sully winked. “Are you hungry?”

“Just coffee,” I said and crossed to the counter.

“Jazzy’s at the hospital.” Rogue tipped his mug, finishing his coffee. “She can’t stay away from the little bird.”

“Levi had the baby?” I asked .

“Yesterday,” he said. “Rosaline Sparrow. She’s pink and tiny just like Levi.”

Sully chuckled. “Jazzy said she’s a pretty little thing just like her pretty boy daddy.”

“Being a daddy looks good on Romeo. Those two are good for each other.” Rogue stood to refill his coffee. He pointed to his chair for me to sit down.

“I’m good. Thank you.” Before yesterday, I’d been scared of Rogue. The VP of the Heller Raiders was intimidating, massive, and scary. And now, I knew he was waiting for me to fuck up again just like everyone else.

But I wanted to hear about the baby, and I needed to be near Blue.

“When you gonna give me a grandbaby?” Sully asked Rogue.

Rogue grumbled. “As soon as Jazzy tells me to knock her up.”

Blue cracked a smile, and my heart did a little hiccup.

“That’s what I figured.” Sully put his cup in the sink and spoke to me. “I’m working swings this week. Are you going to the meeting this morning?”

I nodded.

“Good. I’m proud of you, peanut.”

“I’m going to sit outside.” I had to leave before I cried. With my cup in my hand, I walked outside. Choosing a spot in the sunshine, I sat on the bottom step leading to Jazzy’s apartment.

Less than a minute later, Blue came out of the house with the old crocheted blanket from the chair in Sully’s living room.

“Thanks,” I said as he wrapped it around my shoulders .

“I don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry.”

I sighed and wrapped the blanket tighter. “I’m sorry, too. We both made mistakes yesterday.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Blue, we both did. You can’t be afraid to talk to me. You should have told me what Blade said.” But I understood why he didn’t. And then I shut him out, and he walked away. “It’s my fault I’m not welcome at the MC.”

“I’ll give up my patch.”

I turned to him. “No way. Not for me. We both know it isn’t the patch. It’s what the club gives you.” Last night, he’d shown me what would happen to him without the Hellers. I’d never take that from him.

“I fucking hate this. I feel like we’re losing each other.”

“Blue, I’m right here.” I leaned against him. “You need the club the same way I’m going to need meetings. I’m not taking you with me to NA, and you can go to church without me.” I smirked. “I’m still going to be the only girl on the back of your bike.”

“Fuck, yeah, you are.” I felt the tension leave his body. “I should get going.” He rubbed his palms on the faded denim of his jeans. “With Jazzy at the hospital with Romeo, I need to be there early.”

“Are you going to go see the baby?” I asked.

“Eventually. Dozer and Torch asked if I could stay on for a while at the shop. They have a lot of work coming in, and with Romeo taking a couple weeks off, they can use the help.”

“That’s great.” Blue needed a job. So did I. I planned to ask Ansel if he had any resources for jobs and housing, places that didn’t judge recovering addicts. “I’m going to my first meeting this morning. ”

“Do you want to meet up after? We can grab some lunch, and you can tell me about it.”

“Can I text you? I don’t know what time the meeting ends.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, and Blue tried to smile. We both failed.

“I guess I’ll catch you later.” Blue stood, and I lurched to my feet. We stared at each other for two beats of my heart. With anxiety knotting my stomach, I clasped my hands behind my back.

Blue curled his palm around the nape of my neck, rested his forehead against mine, and simply breathed me in. Then for the briefest moment, his lips were on mine.

He inched back and smiled. “I’ll see you later. Don’t rush out of the meeting. You need this. I’ll grab lunch with the guys.”

I exhaled my fear, and I slipped my fingers into the beltloops at his waist. We’d be fine. “I’ll text you as soon as the meeting is over.”

Blue left for work, and I fought a craving. Chills crawled over my arms, and sweat trickled down my back. I tried to think of anything but black. What the fuck was wrong with me? I’d clawed my way out of the dark and suffocating misery of withdrawal. I’d puked up my guts and suffered aches in every bone in my body.

Tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t do this again. Getting ready for a meeting with other addicts shouldn’t make me want to use. Saliva pooled in the back of my throat, and the unsteady beat of my heart had enough anxiety lacing my blood, I’d hit a new kind of high. It sucked.

Self-talk wasn’t enough. I’d already showered and dressed, but I stripped out of my clothes, started the bath, and laid in the bottom of the tub as the water filled. I’d surf the urge. Once the hot water covered my body, I snapped off the faucet.

Cravings were temporary. Fifteen minutes to let my mind wander. Fifteen minutes of hell. I remembered the needle slipping into my vein, the rush of warmth, the euphoria that melted through my limbs.

And then the pain tearing me apart, the panic poisoning my mind, and the fear of not getting my next hit. And how fucking pathetic I’d feel at having no control.

Every time I made it through one of these cravings, I earned back trust in myself. Fuck black. Remnants of an addict’s thoughts still slipped into my mind, but I wasn’t going to break. I used my toe to press the lever to drain the tub.

Five minutes later, I’d dried off, redressed, and shoved my ID and phone into my back pocket.

Sully was outside in the driveway loading all the extra bike parts onto the hearse.

“Need help?” I asked.

“We’re about done.” Sully handed a tailpipe to the biker standing on the bed of the hearse. “This is Pike.” His face reddened as he lifted a box. Pike jumped from the truck, grabbed one end of the box, and helped slide it onto the bed.

“Hi.” I waved.

“This is Shae. Blue’s girl.”

I smirked at Sully. “Everyone except Sully calls me Kiss.”

Pike hopped onto the end of the truck, his legs dangling, and lit a cigarette. “It’s good to meet you. We’ve all wondered what was keeping him busy.” He laughed, showing several wide gaps of missing teeth. His left eye twitched, and he had a scar from his eyebrow to his temple.

“Are you heading out?” Sully asked.

“Yes.”

“You got this, peanut.”

I climbed into the car, after a few strained rumbles, the engine turned over. I waved as I backed out of the driveway and then drove across town.

***

At the community center, I parked the car and waited. The meeting started at ten. I still had a few minutes. Two guys, about my age, smoked cigarettes a few yards from the entrance. I hadn’t given much thought to who might be here.

An older guy waved to the smokers, then went into the building. My heart thumped as I climbed from the car and made my way to the door.

The guy on the left smiled and gave me a chin lift as a hello. I was pretty sure I’d never seen either before, but if they partied, who knew? Most of the time I was out of my mind. I trusted guys like Sam to keep me safe. Stupid girl .

I opened the door. People mingled in the reception area. Ansel stood near the table where I’d first met him. When he saw me, he excused himself from the group around him and strode toward me.

“Shae, I’m so glad you decided to join us.” He directed me toward a table with white nametags. He handed me a black marker. “First names only.”

I bent over the table and poised the marker over the sticker. I wasn’t comfortable being called Shae. Only my mother called me Shae. My dad and his friends called me peanut. And my friends called me Kiss. I glanced at the people in the room, and I smiled at Ansel .

Then I bent down and wrote Kiss across the nametag, peeled the backing, and pressed it to my shirt. He glanced from my nametag to my face.

“My friends call me Kiss.”

“Sounds like a story. Let me introduce you to a couple people.” His hand rested on the small of my back. Nerves sizzled where his fingertips touched me, and an uncomfortable apprehension coiled in my gut. While it seemed like a gentlemanly thing to do, I took a couple steps to the left until his hand fell away.

I might not wear a property cut, but I belonged to Blue, and I didn’t know Ansel. Worse, Blue didn’t know him.

“We have about ten minutes before we get started. A lot of addicts are uncomfortable for the first few meetings. I can’t promise you a better life away from drugs. But if you come to meetings, trust in the program, lean on the support of your sponsor, NA can promise you a life free from active addiction.”

We approached a small group hanging around a table of cookies. Paper cups were stacked next to a steel coffee urn, and there were smaller cups for the water dispenser.

One of the girls laughed, and the boys from outside had joined them.

“Ansel, I talked to Kate last night. She’s coming to the afternoon meeting,” a girl said. She sported a short pixie haircut, dimple piercings in her cheeks, and flowering vines tattooed on her neck.

“Kiss, this is Janie.”

“I’m Georgia,” the girl next to her said. “That’s Brad and Ryatt.” They were the guys from outside.

“Excuse me,” Ansel said, and went to intercept an older woman at the door .

“That’s Tina,” Janie said. “She manages to piss off Ansel at least once a week. Sobriety has a slightly different definition to her. She’s not using as long as there isn’t a pipe between her lips.”

“Is this your first meeting?” Ryatt asked.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Everyone is nervous on their first meeting.” Georgia plucked a cookie from the table.

“Be prepared,” Janie said. “Ansel always asks newcomers if they want to share.”

“Share what?” I didn’t want to speak at all. I’d rather sit in the back of the room and observe.

“You don’t have to say anything personal.” Janie stepped closer to me. “You can just say your name and tell them you’re an addict.” This small group of four closed in around me. “We’re all addicts, Kiss. We know how scary it is to get clean.”

“I haven’t used in over a week.”

Janie smiled. “Six and a half months.”

“Seventeen days,” Ryatt said and laughed. “Court ordered.”

Brad slugged him. “Shut the fuck up.”

Ryatt feigned injury. “You aren’t the one pissing in a cup at your PO’s office. I swear, he has me coming in so he can check out my dick.”

“Ignore them,” Georgia said and grabbed two more cookies.

Ansel stepped to the front of the room and welcomed us to the meeting. “Remember, no phones for the next hour.”

I pulled mine from my pocket and turned it off.

There weren’t really rows or semi-circles for the chairs littering the room. More like organized clusters, and they all faced the same direction .

I migrated with Janie to a cluster. A basket was passed around the room as Ansel talked about the upcoming speaker at the afternoon session and the agenda for this morning.

The basket came to me. Bills, mostly one-dollar bills, and coins filled the basket. I didn’t have any money.

Janie must have noticed the panic on my face. “Only when you can.” She dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the basket and passed it on.

After the business of the meeting was over, Ansel called on people to share. Some spoke about how shitty their life was. One guy had just lost his job, and another was going through a divorce because his wife was still using.

Ansel called on a woman sitting a few chairs from me. Before she’d uttered the first word, tears streamed down her face. She had six months sober and had relapsed last week. Her kids had been placed in foster care.

“Fuck.” Ryatt leaned forward, dropped his head, and his knee jostled.

Georgia placed her hand on his back, silently offering comfort for whatever he was feeling from the woman’s story.

Janie leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Ryatt was in foster care until he aged out. When he shares, he talks about what it was like. Right now, he’s hurting for those kids. Not all foster situations are good.”

But some foster care parents were amazing. Romeo found his mom in foster care. Rogue was actually his foster uncle. They’d always treated each other like family. I could only imagine how happy Shannon was to have a grandbaby. Almost as happy as Willow would be to see Levi become a mom .

“Kiss, would you like to share?”

I snapped my gaze to the front of the room. I hadn’t realized the woman had finished speaking, I’d been so focused on Ryatt and my thoughts.

Ansel offered an encouraging smile. Oh, no. I didn’t want to speak, but I didn’t want to fuck this up the way I’d fucked up every other treatment I’d tried.

I slowly stood, swallowed the lump in my throat, and tried to squash the cyclone of insecurities swirling inside me.

Inhaling through my nose, I breathed deeply and tried not to cry. “My friends call me Kiss. I’m an addict.” The words had never felt so heavy or meant so much. “I’ve lost everything to heroin except my life.”

I could’ve told them that I’d died once, that I’d overdosed, and that the only person who hadn’t given up on me was as fucked up as I was.

“Today, I’m sober.” I smiled at Ansel. “I’m here because I want to stay sober.”

I sat in the chair, and Ansel called on someone else.

I’d attended my first meeting, shared for the first time, and I might have just met my first NA friends.

At the end of the hour, people hung around to chat.

“Can I give you a hug?” Before I could refuse Janie, she wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so proud of you. You did amazing.” She pulled back and a bloom of warmth flowed through me. “You’re worth recovery, Kiss. If you need anything, just ask.”

I chewed on my lip, afraid to ask her for help. Ansel had told me sobriety took courage. “I need a sponsor.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh my god. I would love to be your sponsor.” She glanced from Georgia to the guys. “We’re sort of a group effort. Take our numbers and give us yours. ”

After the meeting, they invited me to go to lunch. “My treat,” Janie said.

“I just need to check in with my boyfriend.”

I send a text to Blue.

Kiss: Met a girl at NA. She invited me to lunch.

His reply was instant.

Blue: Have fun. See you tonight.

We walked up to a pimped-out, baby-blue convertible Porsche 911. Black tinted windows, rear spoiler, and silver pinstriping.

“I’ll get in the back.” Georgia squeezed behind the passenger front seat.

A lime green Ninja and a blue Yamaha pulled alongside the car.

“Jay Swings?” Brad asked.

“Whoever gets there first, grab a booth.” Janie revved her engine.

Ryatt laughed, rolled the throttle, and popped a wheelie on his way out of the parking lot.

Just as I snapped my seatbelt on, Janie gunned the engine, squealed the tires, and roared out of the parking lot. I braced my hands on the dashboard. Oh my god. These girls were crazy.

A laugh bubbled out of Georgia. “Don’t worry. Daddy will buy her a new one if she wrecks it.”