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“What I’m saying is that you don’t have to hold yourself back because of me and whatever this is between us. If you want to hook up with someone, don’t think you can’t because you have to babysit me or whatever.”

What in the actual fuck am I saying? The sober part of my brain—small as it is—is begging my dumb, drunk mouth to shut up. And maybe for the room to stop spinning.

“Hook up with someone else? Is—is that what you want, Finn? To be open?”

Unfortunately for us, the part of my brain that has been soaking in those Assassin shots like brine is thoroughly in control of this shit show, and it will not stop or slow down.

“Sure, I want us to be open with each other, Kai. That’s why I’m telling you that if you want to go and fuck those vamps that were all over you, I’m not going to stand in your way.”

Vaguely, I’m aware that I’m being too loud. But I don’t have any control over what I’m doing anymore. I thoroughly understand why they're called Assassins, because they are killing me right now.

Kai looks like I just sucker punched him. “I don’t know what to say… that’s not how I saw this relationship going. But if that’s what you want, if you want to be with other people, I guess I’ll try to adjust or something.”

“Relationship?” My fuzzy brain locks on the word. “But this is just friends with sex right? Casual.”

If I thought Kai looked upset before, he looks devastated with my announcement. That I shouted it probably made things worse.

“Is that all you think this is?” He doesn’t look at me and I can barely hear his whisper.

“Of course.” His whisper doesn’t seem to bring down my tone of voice at all.

If anything, I seem to be getting louder.

There is even an audience forming, but I don’t dare turn to look at them.

I’m swaying just a little and there is a real chance I’ll fall over if I’m not careful.

“ Someone like you couldn’t actually want to be with someone like me?

I mean, Gods’ tits Kai, look at you . You are like some kind of vampire god and I’m just a boring loser from the suburbs who managed to, I don’t even know, con you into this somehow. What could you possibly see in me?”

My arms are spread wide, as if to show him the extent of my inadequacies.

Kai chews on his lips, unable to answer.

I expect some kind of disdain when I meet his eye challengingly, but there is only pain so deep it cuts me to the core.

My heart feels strangely like it’s being ripped out and held in front of me for inspection.

“I don’t—I don’t understand.” Arm extended he comes towards me, physically recoiling when I take a wobbly step out of reach. “Why are you saying this? I don’t want anyone else. I just want you," his voice fractures.

“You can’t mean that, Kai. Not really.”

His hands come up to cover his face. With a frustrated growl, he shoves them into his hair again, burying them to tear at the strands.

“But I do Finn! What the fuck!” He closes his eyes, his jaw tense. I think I’m going to be sick, but I don’t run. Not yet. I deserve whatever I’m about to get.

“You’re just drunk.” Kai opens his eyes and licks his lips resolutely. “We’ll go home and talk in the evening and—”

“No!” I cut him off with a sob I can’t control. This is so fucked up. I have no idea what is happening but I can’t seem to stop myself. I wrap my arms around my waist to keep my insides intact. “You don’t understand, I can’t do—”

We’re interrupted by a flurry of new arrivals cutting through our audience.

“What is going on here?” Matteus. Fuck . Matteus. I’m about to be kicked out of Hearts Gate forever. “Leave! ”

The audience rushes to vacate the hallway at his barked command. Leaving just me, Kai, Matteus, fucking Nikolo— where did he even come from anyway—and the giant mess I’ve created.

“I’m sorry Matteus, we were just—” Kai makes a valiant attempt to sound reasonable, but can’t seem to get the words out.

Nikolo rushes to his side, wrapping Kai up in his arms. Kai collapses into his best friend, even though his eyes are on me. It feels appropriate really, that he’s got Nikolo and I’m here alone. Apt .

“They’ve had too much to drink. I’m really sorry Matteus. This never should have happened.” Nikolo’s eyes narrow in my direction and I take the admonishment as my due. The alcohol sloshing around my brain provides a nice padding for the pain.

“Nothing’s going to get sorted out tonight,” Nikolo continues, eyes flicking between Kai and me, all serious like he’s the voice of reason here. Pfft . Nikolo rolls his eyes when he looks at me again, cradling Kai against him. Maybe I’m not doing a good job of keeping my emotions off my face?

He turns back to Matteus to talk to him instead, like I’m not standing right here. “I can get Kai home, but I don’t know if Finn’s friends are still here. Can he stay here? He can use one of the room credits on my membership.”

Kai tenses, like he’s going to protest—probably about leaving me—but Nikolo’s arm visibly tightens around his shoulders. For once, I agree with Nikolo. They should go. It’s better this way. It’s done. Finished.

Everything turns a bit fuzzy, and I assume Matteus agrees because Nikolo and Kai are leaving.

I burn the image of Kai’s devastation into my memory and look away, keeping my eyes fixed on the decorative cornice instead.

The change in view upsets my equilibrium and I’m tipping dangerously, like I’m on a boat.

I feel a hand on my arm keeping me steady, but it feels wrong. It’s not Kai.

The hand keeps me upright when I let myself fall completely into my pathetic state so I don’t have to see Kai leave.

I feel strangely like I’m dying. I don’t remember anything about turning, but right now, I’m having the oddest sense of deja vu. It’s like the world is opening up and time is ceasing to exist. It’s just a mishmash of moments of pain and fear throughout my life, occurring then and now.

The two bottles of blood I bought from the bar are still in my hand when Matteus tugs on my arm to get me moving.

His stern voice is gone again, replaced with a new one.

Like he’s talking to an upset child. I follow him blindly, allowing him to finally take the bottles and assist me up the two flights of stairs to the private suites.

I don’t even notice the room when we enter, just do as he says and remove my shoes and slip between the sheets of the bed.

“There is blood in the mini fridge inside the bedside cabinet. Be sure to drink it when you wake," he tells me as he fusses around the room for far longer than he needs to, and he doesn’t seem to care that I don’t respond.

When he finally does leave, he lingers in the doorway.

“Is there anything else I can assist you with before I go?” He asks, switching off the light, plunging the room into darkness.

“What have I done?” The pained words find their way past my lips.

I don’t think he heard, but before he shuts the door I hear him. “We’ll discuss it in the evening. Sleep now, Finn.”

And like a good baby vamp, I listen.