Page 10
“They have none of them much to recommend them,” replied he [Mr. Bennet]; “they are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.”
—Pride and Prejudice
AUGUSTUS WATCHED A wide array of expressions flit over Kitty’s face. If she experienced all those feelings in such a short time, she must be exhausted.
Whatever she landed on left her looking concerned, a line forming in the space between her brows. Without thinking, he reached out a finger and smoothed the spot. A powerful shiver ran through his hand and directly to his brain, causing him to forget what he was saying.
She looked at him, holding his gaze. He told himself he wouldn’t look away first, but she didn’t even blink. Was she thinking about him the way he was thinking about her? Did she feel the same connection he felt?
Finally, she closed her eyes and dropped her head into her hands. “I can’t.”
His words came out in a whisper. “Can’t what?”
“I can’t stay here forever. I can’t be satisfied until I’ve tried them all.”
If he nodded, she would assume he understood what she was talking about. He had no earthly idea.
“Tried all of what?”
Head still in her hands, she made a sound like a sad laugh. “All of my sisters.”
He waited for her to say something that made sense. After a few minutes, he worried he might wait all night.
“Am I supposed to understand what that means?”
She raised her head from her hands and sighed. “I told you I’m trying to figure out who I want to be, didn’t I?”
Augustus could have argued. That wasn’t what she told him. But for the purpose of helping her work through whatever madness seized her, he agreed.
“And so far, I’ve attempted to copy three of my sisters. None of them were right.”
He thought back to the bizarre conversations of the past few days. The almost silent carriage ride where Kitty stared at the floor and held her mouth in half a smile, the unbearable moralizing in the parlor, and tonight’s raucous laughter.
Were these the actions and words of her sisters? It almost made sense, except he couldn’t fathom how people could be raised in the same family and be so different from each other.
Augustus didn’t know what he was expected to say, but he didn’t want Kitty to stop speaking. “All right. And you say you haven’t tried them all. How many are left?”
Kitty sighed as if the question was difficult. “One.”
What a relief. “Perfect. Would you like to try her out now? I’m at my leisure.” He grinned and stretched himself in his seat, placing both hands behind his head, elbows wide. “Go ahead. Show me.”
She shook her head hard enough to make a lock of her hair fall loose from the rest. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’d fail.”
“I’m hardly in a position to know if you get it right. I’ve never met her, and I most likely never will. Go on. Give her a try.”
“The others were easy. They’re so straightforward. But Lizzy’s different.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because she’s everyone’s favorite. Well, not everyone’s.
Our mother is never sure what to make of her.
But other people like her. They respect her.
She’s complicated. She’s clever and witty, but somehow she remains mysterious.
She knows things. She understands people. I never knew what she was thinking.”
That was an interesting statement. “But you knew what your other sisters were thinking?”
Kitty rolled her eyes. “Of course. Mary always says everything that comes into her mind. She’s never had a thought she didn’t share, especially when nobody wanted to hear it. And Lydia doesn’t think at all. She just laughs louder and louder until someone notices her and gives her what she wants.”
Augustus had no problem matching these names to the acts he’d witnessed. “And the quiet one?”
Kitty sighed. “I confess, imagining Jane’s thoughts might be more difficult. But I don’t need to know what she’s thinking to know how she’ll behave. She always acts the same way. Generous. Sweet. Kind. Agreeable.”
Watching the expression on Kitty’s face grow more and more frustrated, Augustus held back a laugh. “And that sweet, kind generosity is distasteful?”
“Of course not. It’s perfect. And a little annoying. She’s pleasant even if she’s angry or bothered or sad.”
“Why do you find that annoying?”
“Because nobody is that good. Or maybe Jane is, and that just shows one more way I’m far from being like her. I’d love to know, just once, that she got frustrated enough to throw a teacup against the wall.”
Augustus shifted in his uncomfortable theater seat, bringing his elbows to his knees and leaning closer to Kitty. “How many dishes have you broken?”
She laughed softly. “Do you mean in my life? Or since I’ve been in the city with Mrs. Gordon?”
He had the urge to reach out and touch that escaped lock of hair. In fact, he’d like to run his finger along the curve of her cheek, but he knew that was a terrible idea. If he allowed himself to touch her with the tenderness he felt, he didn’t know how he’d stop.
Crossing his arms over his chest, he watched her. She sank a little into her seat.
“I can’t be like Lizzy because I don’t know how to be the woman she is.”
She looked devastated by the admission.
Augustus wished he could erase her sadness.
“Kitty, tell me something. Is it impossible to believe you don’t need to be like any of your sisters? That you’re fine just the way you are?”
She pursed her lips and blew a puff of air through them, succinctly denying his argument without speaking a word.
“Well?”
“Definitely impossible.”
“Why?” She had no reason to confide in him, but she’d been willing to say more than he would have expected. He wanted to know.
“Because I’m not fine the way I am. I know it. I’m entirely forgettable. There’s no trait to catch anyone’s attention here. I have nothing but the ability to reflect whoever I’m with.”
In that instant, he wanted to argue. To tell her he enjoyed her conversation, the way her blushes highlighted the freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks.
He wished he could explain how, when she experienced something new, her delight played itself across her features.
How her silent laughter made him want to wrap his arms around her and laugh along with her.
Did she believe what she said? That she was nothing but an echo of those around her? He had only known this woman for a few days, and he was confident she had a delightful personality. At least it was delightful when she wasn’t attempting to be someone else.
But attempting to be someone else seemed to be her only goal. At least until she ran out of sisters to imitate.
Augustus could help her get through the last performance.
“There’s one sister left?”
Kitty let out a little groan and dropped her head into her hands. Voice muffled by her fingers, she said, “Yes.”
“Shall we take her backstage to meet the performers?”
Raising her face to look at him, Kitty said, “You don’t need to do this. After the way I behaved tonight, you must regret bringing me into public.”
He folded his arms across his chest. She did not need to know he did it to keep himself from reaching out and caressing her cheek.
“I’m sure everyone who witnessed your performance was as entertained as I was.”
She gave a soft laugh. “That is a lie.”
He felt himself smile, maybe at being caught out, or maybe in reflection of her own.
“But you don’t need to worry. I’m not going to be loud and wild anymore. It was far too tiring.”
He hoped his face hid his relief. “Right, then. There are a few new friends waiting to speak with you. Or with your sister. It’s your choice. Shall we?”
Rising from his seat, he held out his hand for her.
When she folded her fingers within his, he felt a delightful crackle and buzz in his skin.
He led her out of their row of seats, and she did not pull her hand away.
They left the main room and wandered along a darkened hallway.
As they moved farther into the depths of the building, the clamor of many voices speaking over one another grew louder.
Still holding Kitty’s hand, Augustus knocked at a door.
As it was pulled open, light and laughter spilled out into the hallway and enveloped them both.
As they were welcomed into the room, Augustus turned to see Kitty’s face alight with excitement. She’d never been more lovely.
Table of Contents
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- Page 10 (Reading here)
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