Page 37 of Beyond Hate (Beyond #3)

I ’ve thought about killing myself so many times, but death isn’t atonement. Death won’t bring him back. Wherever Otto is, I know I don’t deserve to go there.

I killed him. I killed Otto. With my words, with my actions… because I wanted him so much.

I killed him, and there’s nothing I can do to bring him back.

So I’ll live… because I think I’m the only person alive now who knows his name.

I’ll live because living without him is already like living in hell.

I never should have gone after him. After Otto ran, I should have let him go. It was selfish.

I was selfish.

And that selfishness led our mother straight to him.

Offering to die in his place, promising Mom I would give my life, give anything for him… it just made it worse. It was more than a year. So many days being forced to watch him.

So many days where I never had access to a weapon, to a gun—never had a moment to myself.

The time I’d tried to sneak into his room to at least put him out of his misery, Warren broke my ribs and Otto’s screams haunted me for a week.

Mom came into the room after, her fingers vicious as they pressed against the wound, and she whispered promises—if I tried to interfere again, they’d kill me in front of him and make it worse after I was gone.

I didn’t want to know how it could be worse, but I believed her.

I knew then that the only thing I could do was to be there.

To watch.

The only thing I could do was hope that when Otto’s eyes met mine, he could see somewhere that I loved him. That someone in that room loved him.

That I would never have hurt him.

That I would have killed him to spare him if I could have.

That every day she hurt him, I was silently planning revenge.

It took years after they’d killed Otto to do it, but I did. I killed my mother. My brothers. I killed them all.

It wasn’t slow enough.

But it was the best I could do. It was the only thing I could do… and then I thought about killing myself… but no.

I didn’t deserve that peace. And I’m the only one who remembers his name.

It’s strange, though… I’ve been seeing him everywhere lately. Otto. Those beautiful eyes. That dark hair.

That stormy expression.

I’ve been seeing him like a demon, coming from the shadows to get his revenge.

I only hope that if he’s come back as some specter ready to reap my soul, he’ll let me tell him first that I’m sorry. That I would have died to keep him safe. That loving him only hurt him worse, but I couldn’t stop.

I’ve never stopped.