Page 16 of Beyond Hate (Beyond #3)

London

I couldn’t believe all of this was happening because the fucking police had called me about the dead body at Til’s.

I would have been better off keeping what had happened to myself, but something had possessed me to put my phone on speaker so the man in the apartment with me had to finally admit that I was telling the truth.

I wasn’t sure why it mattered to me that he admitted it, because Hudson didn’t mean anything to me. He wasn’t anything to me.

He hadn’t been for a long time.

I should have made it completely clear to him from the second I’d gotten back that we were over.

I’d been afraid then…

But I was more afraid now. Not because of Hudson—he might hurt me, and I’d always known that. It wasn’t him, though. It was what I’d said. My body was burning, my face flushed. It was some weird mixture of adrenaline and the feel of those words still stinging on my tongue.

I’d said Otto’s name, and when I had, it wasn’t just me being petty or trying to make Hudson mad.

This had been building in my chest since Otto left the apartment, left me a mess on the couch…

and then I’d had to see Hudson walk in an hour later like a reminder of everything in my life that was wrong.

I’d said Otto’s name because I knew what I was saying was the truth.

Otto wanted me. And in that moment, when the words had come out, I’d wanted him too.

I’d wanted him here so I could see the fear cross Hudson’s face when he raised his fist to me.

I’d wanted him here because some part of me knew on instinct alone that maybe Otto didn’t actually give a shit about me, maybe he wanted to see me hurt and in pain…

but there was no part of him that was ever going to let someone else be the one who did it.

He’d probably cut off Hudson’s hands before he let him touch me again. And I…

Fuck, when I’d said his name, it almost felt like I was trying to summon my own personal demon, like I’d wanted to watch him appear like a shadow and show Hudson how wrong he’d been.

How wrong he’d been about everything … because in some fucked-up way, this was all his fault.

I’d run out of the apartment that night because he’d hit me.

I’d been unprotected because he hadn’t believed me.

I was a different person, and Hudson was still looking at me like I was his own personal victim.

But I wasn’t.

I was Otto’s…

“Fuck.” Heat sprang into my eyes as I felt around in my pockets. At least I’d been smart enough to grab my wallet when I stormed out. I still had my keys—I could go back when Hudson wasn’t there and grab the few items that I actually cared about, and then I’d leave.

I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but I couldn’t stay here anymore. Not when I’d just wished… something worse than death on the man standing across from me.

Not when he made it so clear that he was going to do whatever he could to get me back . I’d die before I let him touch me again. It would be wrong.

Not after what I’d done with…

“Aren’t you a brave little rabbit today?”

Shit.

Was there some rule about thinking about him too many times and he’d show up? At least this time we were on a busy street. There were dozens of people milling around us. Sure, he could take me, but he’d been careful not to get caught until this point. I didn’t think he’d risk it now.

It just meant I couldn’t do something stupid, like dart into an alleyway, so he had a chance to repeat how we’d first met. Instead, I kept my gaze on the ground, not looking up at him. I was hoping he was calling me brave because I was out walking alone, and not because—

“I could kill him for you if you wanted me to. I mean, I’m probably going to do it anyway. But if you wanted to ask so you’d have an excuse for me to punish you again…”

I wasn’t that lucky, was I? He’d heard at least part of what I’d said, or he wouldn’t be bringing up casual murder. It finally made me glance up at him, and the heat roiling behind his gaze answered the question more than his words had. He hadn’t just heard part of it.

I was pretty sure he’d heard all of it, which meant Otto knew I’d said his name.

“I don’t want you to kill anyone.” At least, I didn’t anymore. Maybe I’d wanted… something… in that moment, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. He had no proof of what I’d been thinking, so…

“Are you so sure about that?” He fell into step beside me like we were just two friends walking down the street. It was fucked up and weird, but some part of it felt…

Normal.

Like I’d done this before.

It was getting harder and harder to try to convince myself that everything he’d told me was crazy…

I’d seen it with my own eyes when I’d watched Warren change in the facility, but feeling it now was different.

Walking beside him felt like I was walking with a ghost of a memory, something just out of my reach, something I could almost touch.

Or maybe it was just that he sounded so honest when he spoke, and looked so sincere when he called me by a name I didn’t know.

Whatever it was, it made strolling down the street with him feel like some long forgotten memory instead of something we’d never done before.

“I’m pretty sure I don’t want more blood on my hands.” The answer to his question felt all new, though. If we’d walked like this before, if what he’d been saying all along was true, the person that I’d been had so much blood on their hands I was surprised mine weren’t still stained.

If everything he’d told me was true, the only person he should have been worried about killing was me, and I still wasn’t sure why he’d changed his mind about it.

“Oh, London…” He dropped his hand between us before I could react, and threaded our fingers together.

When he raised them, that dangerous look was on his face again—the expression that made something in my body tremble, made instinct kick up and tell me I needed to run before it was too late.

“You have an entire lifetime of blood on your hands—mine included. What’s one more person? ”

I jerked my grip out of his and turned. I’d been planning on milling around until I was sure Hudson was gone so I could go pick up a few things… but now.

Well, shit, now I needed to figure out how to get away from Otto. The look in his eyes made something in my stomach feel uneasy, made something lower feel… hot and hard, and I…

“Leave me alone, Otto.” It was a weak demand, and I already knew he wasn’t going to listen as I turned and made my way toward the little strip mall within walking distance. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but I had to do something to try to get away from him. He was fucking with my head.

He was fucking with everything . I didn’t feel like the same person I’d been before he’d taken me, and it wasn’t because I was admitting to being whoever Nikki was.

I just felt…

Different.

Broken.

Like every part of me had been dipped in fire and now I was covered in the ash of Otto’s destruction. He was in my lungs.

He was all around me, and I couldn’t seem to get away. I couldn’t breathe without tasting him on the back of my tongue. He was the air.

“Oh, little rabbit.” He’d already caught up to me, and the smile on his face seemed so serene in comparison to the fact that he’d just offered to kill someone for me.

“You have to know by now that I’m never going to leave you alone.

You fell apart for me the last time I touched you… don’t you want to do that again?”

I had to force myself to keep walking, even though I was pretty sure the blush that blossomed and burned across my cheeks spoke louder than whatever denial I was trying to summon up.

Never implied a long time. A long time to never be alone again. To feel that overwhelming sensation when he touched me, the loss of control…

No. I wasn’t going to think for even a second that a long time was a good thing. I didn’t want a long time.

I wanted my life back. Maybe I’d told Hudson that Otto wanted me, but that didn’t mean I had to let him have me. I just…

Fuck.

Fuck .

What life did I really have to go back to? There was life before Otto and life after the first time he’d touched me… and somehow, that before felt like it didn’t exist anymore. It felt like it belonged to another person.

“There really is something wrong with me.” It felt almost painful to say it aloud, and I couldn’t quite drag my eyes up to look at him. “I should have turned you in to the police. I should have kept my apartment door locked… I should be running from you right now. I…”

He took my hand in his again and squeezed, like the thought of me trying to run was enough to make him react. Otto pulled me closer, dragging me against his body, so we stopped walking. It let the heat of him pool just beneath my skin and stole my breath away.

“You should have done a lot of things, but you didn’t.

You should have run the first time you saw me, and kept running…

but I think a part of you knows you deserve this.

” Even with the cruel words on his tongue, he lifted his free hand and carefully threaded his fingers through my hair, tugging lightly on the strands and sending little zips of pleasure and confusion through my body.

“You broke me in another life, London. You made me into the monster I am… It’s almost fitting that you take responsibility for it now, don’t you think? ”

Otto paused, his eyes searching my face like he was waiting for some kind of recognition, some kind of guilt or apology that I couldn’t give him.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. Hearing about the way Warren had hurt him when we were in the facility, I’d felt like I was breaking apart.

Knowing that some version of me had done the same?

He was right… If he was a monster because of me, maybe that was why I couldn’t run now. If I’d made him into what he was, it only made sense that I let him punish me until he felt like I’d paid for my sins… And maybe my life had been so fucked up because of everything that Nikki had done…

But I still didn’t understand.

“You keep telling me I hurt you, that I killed you… but Otto, I don’t…

” My brows snapped together, and I couldn’t keep the pain out of my voice.

“I don’t remember it. Tell me what you think I did, because the only thing I know right now is…

this…” I looked at our linked fingers and wondered if a glance was enough to convey everything I felt, if it was enough to tell him that I meant every moment he’d slipped into my bed, the way he’d killed for me, because of me.

The way I couldn’t seem to stay away anymore.

Broken.

I really was broken, and I was tired of trying to deny it. The men in the building, the people he’d killed, the way I’d let him hold me—the way I craved his touch even though I knew what kind of monster he was…

It was too much.

“London…” He sounded… almost hesitant. All the bravado and charm, all his confidence, was narrowing down to a point of pain that reflected somewhere in the back of his gaze. If he was telling the truth—and fuck, I really did believe he was telling the truth—I had to understand.

“I don’t know Nikki, Otto. I don’t know who you were with him. I don’t know who I was when I was him. The only thing I know is us.”