Page 17 of Beyond Hate (Beyond #3)

Otto

T he only thing I know is us.

The words echoed in my head like some fucked-up record on repeat, and I was seeing double. I was seeing Nikki standing in the room every time I was tortured, not taking his eyes off me. Not opening his mouth, not saying a damn word.

And I was seeing London, his lashes wet with tears, his lips swollen… his eyes holding all the weight and depth of emotions I was pretty sure he was still trying to deny even when he sought me out.

They weren’t the same person . Fuck… I couldn’t keep pretending they were the same person. I’d known it when I crawled into bed with him at the facility—I’d known it when I’d saved him. I’d known it when I’d killed the man who touched him, and when I watched him fall apart on his knees for me.

I’d known it all along. Bringing those vials had been some last-ditch attempt at convincing myself otherwise, but the truth was standing in front of me.

Didn’t he at least deserve to know why I was still punishing him?

“In another life, I loved you.” I said it softly, carefully, and I noticed he kept perfect pace with me while we walked.

“Your mom took me off the street when I was a kid, because she wanted me to be a killer. That’s what we all were, killers and criminals.

But…” I flicked my eyes to him. He was watching me with drawn brows.

“If you’d believe it, I didn’t have the stomach for it back then.

I was just small, scrappy. I was good at getting into places if I wanted.

And you…” I looked him over with a soft, humorless laugh.

“You were big. And you were everything I wasn’t…

You could kill without batting an eye. It didn’t bother you. ”

London opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, then quickly snapped it shut. Maybe he realized trying to deny it would make me stop talking. After a beat, when I stared at him expectantly, he spoke.

“Did I look the same?”

“Same eyes.” Our fingers untangled, and I brushed the dark roots he’d tried to hide behind bleached blond.

“Same hair. You were taller, though. Taller than me. And… you were everything.” This was the part I didn’t want to say.

The part I didn’t give a shit to remember, because I remembered it every night when I slept.

“You protected me when we were small, and when we were older, you let me love you. And I thought you loved me. When I realized I couldn’t do it anymore, that I couldn’t keep killing…

you told me where to run.” My jaw clenched, and I turned my gaze forward—I couldn’t look at him for the rest of this.

I wasn’t even sure why I was telling him now, except for that soft, pained expression.

Those words.

The only thing I know is us.

Fuck.

“Otto?”

“You found me exactly where you told me to go and you held me. You told me you loved me… and your mom found me the next day. She kept me alive for over a year, torturing me. Trying to teach me a lesson. You never said a word. You never stopped her. I begged you to kill me, and you didn’t.

But… your eyes were the last thing I saw before she put a bullet in my brain. ”

Beside me, London was silent. So silent I wondered for a second if he’d left when I looked away. When his small hand drifted forward and he slid his fingers into mine again, my body shuddered. His eyes were full of tears when I turned my head to look at him.

“I’m sorry, Otto. It all still sounds so impossible, but…

I can’t convince myself that you’re making it up anymore.

God, I think some part of me believed you all along, because why else would everything be so shit if I hadn’t been a bad person in a past life…

” He laughed, the sound wet and sad. “Maybe this is really happening, and I deserve all of it… but…” His lips were trembling when he spoke.

“I’m not the same person. I’m not him . I won’t hurt you.

” He squeezed my fingers and stepped closer, raising his free hand that trembled, hesitating for just a second before placing it on my chest. Over my heart. “I’m not Nikki. ”

I’m not Nikki. I’d avoided telling him the truth because I was hoping being around me would make him remember something. I’d been so determined to get answers, to understand… and now.

Now I was faced with a scared little rabbit, and getting those answers would make me lose him forever… and for the first time when he said I’m not Nikki …

“You don’t have to be.”

Having London as he was now, alive and breathing and broken for me, was better than bringing back someone long dead. I still hated who he’d been, and I still wanted answers…

But I wanted London more .

I’d wanted him from the moment I saw him, and I was tired of trying to fight it.

I stepped forward and pressed my mouth to his without giving him a chance to move away, and the taste of the tears on his lips was intoxicating. It drew a groan from my chest, and my arm darted out, wrapping around his waist so I could pull him against me.

This kiss was different. It wasn’t my mouth on his to punish him, or to show him that I was a monster who could have him any time I wanted. It wasn’t him trying to distract me so I wouldn’t hurt him.

I kissed him because it felt good to press my mouth to his. I kissed him because I wondered if I’d be able to taste the apology on his tongue, and it would be enough to satiate the monster inside me that still demanded he pay for everything that had happened in my past.

In the end, I couldn’t taste anything but London’s tears and the sweetness of his mouth against mine.

I couldn’t feel anything but the way he froze against me and his heart started racing, and then his arms lifted and wrapped around my shoulders.

He tangled his fingers in my hair and tilted his head back, giving me better access to lick into his mouth when he parted his lips.

It felt like the first time London had kissed me without intention behind it, the first time he was kissing me back without the wings of his own trauma chasing him to comfort.

London was kissing me because he wanted to, and my entire world was drowning in the sweet taste of him, the scent of sugar and honey that seemed unique to him.

Everything soft.

Everything Nikki had never been.

It was the first time I was kissing him without the memories of a ghost wrapped around us both.

The knowledge didn’t stop the instincts in my body from taking over—I didn’t care that we were on the sidewalk and there were people around us who were probably offended by two men standing there wrapped around one another like they were the only thing that existed.

It didn’t stop me from sucking on his tongue until he was shivering, and drawing his lower lip between my teeth so I could bite down hard enough to taste copper.

Instead of pulling away at the pain, London’s fingers in my hair clenched and he pushed closer. His breath was hot and quick, so fast I was sure he’d hyperventilate if he didn’t slow down, and his body rocked against mine like he’d completely forgotten where we were.

Fuck, I wanted to take him apart, and he seemed completely willing to let me. He’d said it in his apartment, to that asshole he lived with—I wanted him. He knew it. He’d known it all along.

Maybe even before I was willing to admit it… but I was admitting it now.

I needed London.

Which meant we needed to get off the street and somewhere I could do just that.

I pulled back, drowning instantly in the dazed heat that danced across his features. He looked so warm and wrecked from a kiss alone, like his entire world had turned upside down.

Like he’d changed.

“I think we need to go somewhere private to finish this conversation.”

By conversation, I meant the way his body felt pressed to mine, but London’s expression shifted.

It went sweet, soft, swirling behind the heat in a kaleidoscope of emotion I couldn’t follow.

Everything was still caught behind the haze of limited emotions thanks to the body I was in, the mind and instincts that still remained.

I knew if I’d been the man I once was, the feelings trapped in my chest might have completely broken me—the knowledge that London was something I wanted, something I could keep.

Something that could maybe… maybe fill the holes in my soul Nikki had left behind.

Apparently, I didn’t have to, because I could tell London was feeling enough for all our lives combined.

It was there in his expression, in the way his eyes searched my face like he was really seeing me for the first time.

I could almost watch as every bit of resistance he had melted away and left him vulnerable in front of me.

The screeching sound of a car swerving tore my attention away from that sweet, confused look, the words it looked like he was trying to figure out how to say trapped behind his eyes.

Thankfully instinct led me over panic, and I jerked us both to the side as the sound of metal scraping the sidewalk roared just behind me.

They’d come up onto the walkway to try to hit us, and there were people screaming just ahead because they’d apparently hit someone .

The impact of our bodies slamming to the ground was enough to knock the air out of me, and when I glanced up, all that sweetness on London’s face was gone. It was replaced with fear and panic.

“D-did… did they do that on purpose?”

Fuck, would a normal person have lied to him? Probably. But that wasn’t the kind of man I was.

“I think so. Do you have any other enemies I need to know about, London?”

The horror on his face deepened, and he shook his head quickly.

“No. I’ve never done anything… I… fuck.” His eyes darted to the person on the sidewalk in front of us.

They were pale, in shock… but from what I could see, they were mostly unharmed.

And the car had sped off down the street, no plates to be seen.

I hadn’t caught a good glimpse of the driver. Their hood had been up.

And…

Hm. Yeah, it was probably intentional. Maybe they’d been aiming for the person in front of us, or maybe it had just been road rage finally manifesting…

but whoever it was had wanted to hurt someone.

And honestly, it probably wasn’t London they were after.

I knew the body I was in had enemies. What if it was one of them?

“You need to get out of here before they come back.”

That hadn’t really been the plan. I wanted to keep him close, but I needed to see if I could figure out who’d just tried to hit us with a car. I needed him somewhere safe and locked away.

“I… where?”

“I’m in a house across the street from your job.

The blue one, with the lockbox by the door.

The code for the key is four four three eight.

” I’d picked that house so I could be close, because I’d wanted to play with him…

but his confession, his words… the feel of his lips on mine and the knowledge that he wanted me too had turned my little game on its head.

London pulled out of my arms as I stood, taking a quick step back from me.

One, and then another. “The police already called me about the guy at the club. Now they’re going to be here for this.

I…” He shook his head back and forth, a rapid motion of terror and panic, but his eyes lingered on me as he stepped back.

“Get out of here, Otto, so they don’t think you did something wrong.

I’ll…” I could tell he was struggling with his thoughts. “I’m sure I’ll see you at work.”

He stared at me for a few more seconds, his eyes still shouting words that seemed incapable of leaving his lips, and then he turned and took off at a run. I watched him round the corner and disappear into the crowd.

He was probably safer that way. I needed to figure out if our would-be hit and run had been after me, or if they were simply some disgruntled asshole who thought it would be a good idea to try to kill someone today.

There was every chance it was the latter, but I had to make sure.

I would have liked to think I’d keep my distance until I knew being around me was safe for him…

But I knew the truth. He was right. I’d see him at work, because I couldn’t stay away.