Page 12 of Beyond Hate (Beyond #3)

London

I f Hell existed, I was pretty sure I’d just bought myself a one-way ticket straight to the gates. There was no coming back from what I’d just done—no coming back from the look Otto had given me when he’d watched me fall apart in front of him.

There was no coming back from the fact that I wasn’t even sure the body on the ground was cold when the killer in the room made me harder than I had been in weeks.

It didn’t make sense—it really was some fucked up kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

Either that, or there was truth in what Otto kept telling me…

because I wasn’t sure if I had another explanation for the way I wanted him, even when I knew exactly what he was.

I didn’t know how to explain the way my body burned when his fingers were rough, or the excitement that pulsed through me when I’d realized he was actually here .

That he was real. That I hadn’t been crazy and imagined everything that had happened.

I didn’t know how to explain how much I’d nearly lost it and come all over myself when his tongue traced the path my tears tracked down my cheeks.

It wasn’t right.

It was so messed up. Maybe my entire life had been horrible, but that wasn’t an excuse for the way I reacted to him.

So maybe he wasn’t a liar. Maybe I really had been some fucked-up piece of shit in my past life, and this was my penance now.

Or maybe it was just that my body already knew his touch—his cruelty, and the heat that blossomed beneath my skin at the threat of it.

I didn’t know.

I just knew he left me trembling where I stood with a dark, heated look, and a dead body that was staring at me with wide, glassy eyes full of accusation.

Look what you did, London. Look what you caused.

Because I had caused it. I’d led Mr. Caulson into the room, even though I knew Otto was in the building. Even though he’d warned me.

I’d done it anyway because I half believed I was imagining him and I wanted to prove that he was really here… because I was afraid if I didn’t, he’d disappear again.

I’d turned on a song about ache and want , and some part of me had hoped he’d hear it.

I was just as responsible for the dead man in the room as Otto had been, even though I’d never actually done anything to him.

My body might as well have been stained with a dozen red handprints, everywhere I’d let the poor man touch me, because each one had been another letter signing his death warrant.

“Fuck.” My knees felt weak as I slipped to the floor.

That was how Til found me ten minutes later when I hadn’t come out of the room… and at least he had the decency to wrap me up in a fluffy robe before he helped me into a chair. I started shivering—not because of the dead body, but because it was where Otto had been sitting.

“Did he try to hurt you, London?” Til’s eyes were sharp and hard, his handsome face full of a quiet anger. It took me a second to reconcile the expression with the implication, and I shook my head.

“No… no. He didn’t. I—I didn’t mean…” My voice caught on a sob, and Til carefully brushed damp strands of blond hair from my face.

“London, you wouldn’t hurt anyone. You couldn’t.”

He was wrong, though. Fuck, he was wrong.

I was still crying and shivering when the police arrived, and maybe it was that more than anything that stopped them from putting me in cuffs right away. Instead, they let Til stay in the room with me while they asked questions.

I couldn’t answer for a few seconds, because the confession was there on the back of my tongue.

The man who kidnapped me came back. He thinks I’m his brother, but apparently no one is allowed to touch me but him. And I let him do this. I let him because I haven’t slept since he let me go.

I let this happen, I—

“London, you need to take a breath.” Til’s voice was still soft, calm.

Solid. It didn’t help that the officer in front of me—I think he’d said his name was Renn—was looking at me like I was some kind of nightmare come to life.

It made sense that at least one person in the room could see right through the bullshit and realize that I was at fault here.

I was the reason…

“I didn’t mean to…” Til’s hand squeezed my shoulder tight enough that it hurt, and my breath came in a sharp gasp that cut the words off before they managed to leave my mouth.

I realized why—he either thought I was in shock and saying shit I didn’t mean, or he thought I’d been hurt and I was going to confess to a crime that was deserved.

The fact that he was willing to encourage me to lie to protect me said more than I’d realized about Til… He really did care about us.

I’d have to remember that later, once I was over blaming myself for the death of the man who they’d at least covered up with a sheet.

It didn’t help. Something wet made the fabric stick to his throat, suction to his collarbones.

Someone had messed up. His hand was still sticking out, and his wedding ring was on full display.

He’d done such a good job hiding the fact that he’d come here from his wife for so long… but he couldn’t hide it anymore.

I was still staring at the body when the sound of someone clearing their throat forced me to look up.

Renn’s eyes were keen when he stared at me. “You didn’t mean to what?”

To get him killed—to lead Otto back to the room? To think with some fucked-up instincts that I wasn’t even sure were my own, instead of listening to reason when it told me I was leading the man into trouble.

“I didn’t mean to freak out. I…” I swallowed hard. I could tell them the truth. I should tell them the truth. I had an exact description and a name.

So…

Why did my tongue feel like it was glued to the roof of my mouth when I tried to get the words out? Why did it seem completely impossible to betray Otto?

“London, it’s okay.” Til’s voice was soft. “Just tell us who hurt your client.” Not tell us what happened . Not tell us what you did.

Tell them who.

Til wanted me to protect myself, even if he didn’t have any proof that I wasn’t lying.

And apparently there was something I wanted to protect too, because the words came out of my chest before I could stop them, melting away the stiffness binding my tongue on the wings of a lie.

“It happened so fast. I was dancing, and then I heard Mr. Caulson fall. Whoever it was, they told me to shut my eyes and not turn around. I think they went through his pockets… but…” I swallowed hard.

I wasn’t a good liar—I’d never been a good liar—but the words were flowing freely from my lips and I hadn’t even taken the time to think of them before I’d started.

“I didn’t see his face. He had on a jacket with the hood up and something covering his eyes…

I…” I finally turned to look at Renn, fixated on the way he was staring at me like he could see right through me, like he could read the words liar and murderer etched behind my lids as they fell to the ground.

“I don’t know who it was. I know Mr. Caulson was married, and he was coming here without telling his wife. ”

Oh, shit.

Shit .

It had come out before I thought it through. Saying I didn’t know who had hurt Mr. Caulson was one thing.

Accusing his wife of it because I wanted to protect the man who’d kidnapped me, who’d hurt me, tortured me, put his hands on me without my permission… the man who’d made me cry and liked it?

Fuck…

That was some sick kind of twisted that I didn’t want to think too hard about.

I bit my lip hard enough that I could taste blood, pulling my robe tighter around me as I did so.

“Are you sure you didn’t see—”

“Look at him,” Til said, his voice a little gruff.

“He’s shaken up. He doesn’t have a drop of blood on him.

I can pull our security footage to show you he didn’t leave the hall to get to the bathroom to clean up or dispose of any clothes.

If you need to question him further, that’s fine…

but you could at least let him get dressed before you do. ”

Officer Renn drew up short, his eyes flicking from my shivering frame back to Til.

The fact that my boss was over six feet tall and imposing wasn’t lost on me, and apparently it wasn’t lost on Renn either.

After a second, he nodded. “Of course. We can have one of our officers escort you to a changing room so you can get dressed. Then, if you want to come down to the station to make a formal statement…” Renn paused, adding, “We’ll need your clothes for evidence. ”

I didn’t bother glancing down—Otto had been so fucking careful when he’d been in here. I hadn’t seen a drop of blood on my skin… hell, the only thing they might find is traces of precum if they were looking for that… and I worked in a strip club. They could assume all they wanted but…

Otto had been careful.

Maybe because he knew something exactly like this would happen. I was pretty sure he’d done it to protect himself, but there was a small part of me that wondered if he’d done it to protect me.

If I told myself he’d left me here to see if I could get myself out of danger, it made more sense when I nodded and stood up. I could do this to protect myself, not Otto. “I don’t mind. But I told you everything I know… I didn’t see who it was.”

I sounded more convincing this time. I sounded like I actually believed it… and in a sense, it was true.

I had no idea who Otto really was—I had no idea what he really wanted. First, he said he wanted to kill me, then he snuck into the room every night and held me. He’d threatened me and saved me… He killed a man and put his hands on me… And now…

Well… now he’d made sure, even when he’d followed me back to this room and killed someone to punish me, that I wasn’t going to be implicated for the crime.

I had no idea who he was… but for the first time since all of this had started, I could admit to myself that I wanted to.

I wanted to know so much that I was apparently willing to put myself in danger by lying to protect him.

And as much as I wanted to tell myself it was curiosity, or some weird sense of justice because he’d made sure I wouldn’t get caught… I knew the truth.

I couldn’t get the look on his face, the heat in those dark eyes, out of my mind… and as much as I wanted to pretend that I never wanted to see him again, that I was glad he’d disappeared after everything that had happened…

Well, I was lying to everyone else. I didn’t want to lie to myself too.