Page 15 of Aug

TWELVE

I winced in pain as I separated my eyelids. They were swollen and hurt to the touch. The slightest movement reminded me that I’d spent my night buried in my pillow as the weight of what could’ve been nailed me to the bed.

August was an unexpected surprise at dinner. One I wasn’t prepared for. One I wasn’t over yet. One I wasn’t ready to talk to. One I wasn’t ready to hear out. One I wasn’t going to forgive.

The toning pads glided along my skin effortlessly. I squirted serum on my forehead and cheeks. As my mind raced, I considered my actions last night. As much as I’d missed August over the last six weeks, I refused to become his personal mat. I was human and I had feelings.

His complete disregard of them had me disregarding him at the mere sight of those mysterious eyes and handsome brown skin.

“Ugh. This would be so much easier if he weren’t so gorgeous,” I groaned.

I followed the serum with moisturizer, finalizing my skincare routine. I patted my puffy eyes, hoping there was relief by the time I arrived at the theater.

In my slippers and robe, I strutted through my home, feeling a lot less confident than I portrayed. The thief of joy had been gripping my heart since yesterday’s dinner. The strength I’d mustered over the last week had diminished greatly. Still, my head was high and my boundaries were clear.

The first stop was the kitchen. I removed the two boiled eggs from the warm water and cracked them on the counter. One after the other, I peeled the shells off. I seasoned the plate delicately and sat down at the countertop.

I swiped past the notifications from August as I dipped the first egg in the all-purpose seasoning. I searched for evidence that someone besides him had been interested in conversing with me, but found none. Not even my parents had called.

Unsatisfied with my findings, I shut my screen off and finished breakfast. A glass of water helped it settle in my stomach as I made my way to the bedroom to get dressed. Every passing minute rewarded me with a little more of my sanity.

By the time I was in my leotard with my hair slicked back into a ponytail, my eyes had minimized in size, and my confidence was at its peak.

I admired my reflection in the mirror, hoping that today would grant me much more peace and clarity than yesterday.

I gathered my things and headed for the door.

“Oh shoots–”

The weight of a sleeping body fell onto me, pinning my legs in place. The fragrance was familiar. The clothes were familiar. The face was familiar.

“Ti–” August made out, grogily and halfway asleep.

The voice was familiar.

“August.”

Heartache clouded my judgment. My head and heart began spinning at once. Remorse shifted my perspective.

“Did you sleep out here all night?”

Standing on his feet, August dusted himself off.

“I meant it when I said I wasn’t leaving until we talked, Ti. Just give me a minute.”

“You had six weeks, August. Six weeks. I waited by the phone. Called you at least once every day. Nothing. I got nothing. I’m sorry you spent the night out here and I want you to get some rest. You can have my bed but once you’re awake, please leave.

Help yourself to anything in my kitchen and lock up on your way out. ”

“Ti–”

“Tiana,” I corrected. “My name is Tiana.”

My voice cracked, pissing me off a little more. I didn’t want to be weak in front of August. I didn’t want to be weak for August. He’d made his bed. He needed to stew in it and hopefully do better by the next woman.

“And, don’t come back to my home. Don’t call my phone. And, don’t fix your mouth to say a freaking word to me when you see me. Whatever we had is over.”

“What the fuck you want me to do, Tiana? Hmm? What you want me to do? Get on my fucking knees and beg you to talk to me? To rethink all the shit you’ve been coming up with in your pretty little head? To just hear me out? Hmm?”

I wasn’t oblivious to the pain in his voice as he pushed into my home. In my hallway, August fell to his knees.

“Fuck it, then. I don’t have any pride right now. I’m fucked up. I’m lost. I’ve lost my mother, Ti. I can not lose you too. I won’t lose you too.”

With tears cascading down his face, August looked up at me.

“Get up, August,” I begged.

“I’ve been dealing with my shit. Dealing with some shit no man should have to deal with so suddenly and so brutally. I got a call that my mother had suffered an aneurysm. I was on the first thing smoking to Channing. Since I got that call, I have been a fucking mess.”

“Stand up,” I cried.

“That was my mess, Ti. My mess to deal with. My mess to handle. My mother. My fucking mother. She ain’t a phone call away no more. I can’t pop up on her. No more birthdays. No more holidays. No more nothing. She won’t get to see me make good on my promises to her.

“She won’t get the one thing she longed for more than her next breath.

She won’t get to meet you. She’s gone. Dead.

Not breathing. Six feet in the ground. It hurt my soul to see her in that casket.

So, nah. I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I didn’t visit.

Cause fuck I’m supposed to say when my whole world is crumbling down? I’m sorry that hurt you.

“I’m sorry that fucked with your mental. I’m sorry that made you feel like I don’t give a fuck. I’m sorry that made you feel like I don’t love you, because Ti, I do. And, I ain’t never loved nobody. I’m not asking you to give me a pass. I’m just asking you to cut me some fucking slack.”

“Please, August. Stand up.”

“Nah. Not until you yell or cuss my Black ass out or tell me how you really feel. Cause, I ain’t leaving until you do.”

“Now is not the time.”

“It’s the perfect time, Ti.”

Silently, I gathered my bearings. The bomb he’d just dropped on me made everything I was feeling seem invalid. But, just like his, my feelings were real.

“Talk to me,” he pleaded.

“You’ve lost your mother, August. It does–”

“And, if I’m not careful, I’m going to lose you. I can’t do that. So tell me. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel, Ti, so I can make sure you never feel that way again.”

“Only if you stand up.”

He made his way to his feet.

“And sit down.”

I nodded toward the living room.

He didn’t hesitate to move his feet. I paced the living room, trying to put my feelings into context so that he wouldn’t understand.

“Tiana.”

I turned, facing him.

“Your actions contradicted everything you’ve promised since pursuing me. I’ve felt stranded on a deserted island with no way to contact you. No life vest. No boat. Nothing. My nights have never felt so lonely. So quiet. So dark. So dreadful. I thought– I thought we were building something, Aug.

“Something special. Something worthwhile. I’ve fallen in love with you.

I’ve fallen in love with your everything, except your ability to gut-punch me.

I understand you have been a mess August, but you have to understand you’re not your mess alone.

You’re my mess. I should’ve been there. I could’ve been there. I would’ve been there.

“You didn’t have to go through that alone.

I’d never let you go through anything alone.

That’s partnership. Your mess is mine and mine is yours.

If I lost one of my parents today, you would be the first number I dial.

Whether it was to just hold the phone or cry until I was blue in the face. Because that’s how this works, August.

“That’s how we work. And, if we can’t, then we can’t work.

We won’t work. I can’t have you clam up and withdraw from me every time something happens in your world.

I’m part of your world, August. When you aren’t one hundred percent, I fill your gaps.

I give you energy. I give you light. I give you love.

I pour into you. I breathe life into you.

“I nurse you back to health. I whisper good things in your ear. I bathe you. I brush your hair. I wash your face. I kiss your lips. I kiss your head. I kiss your scars. Me. Don’t rob me of the opportunity to be everything you need in your time of despair.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anything to say. We don’t have to talk.

“We don’t have to speak, Aug. Not when feelings say all that needs to be said. I’ve never missed anyone the way I’ve missed you the last month and a half. You disappeared on me. You left me lonely, Aug, when you told me you wouldn’t.”

“I won’t– I won’t do that to you again, Ti.”

“How do I know that? You’re asking me to take your word for it as if that’s not what I did the first time.”

“I fucked up. You’re not wrong, baby.”

He slid from the edge of the couch. His knees touched the floor.

“But, I won’t do that again. I won’t leave you lonely, Ti. I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong. I take accountability for my actions. I shouldn’t have fucking done that, but baby, please. Please hear me when I say that it won’t happen again. I heard you, Ti.

“My mess is your mess. Your mess is my mess. My world is yours. Yours is mine. I’ll never rob you of an opportunity to be in my corner.

I won’t disappear. I’ll let you give me love.

Pour into me. Breathe life into me. Nurse me back.

Just don’t let this be the end of us. I was just getting started. Just don’t– Tiana.”

I lowered my body to the floor. Face to face, I gazed into his glossy eyes. I placed my hands on his face and placed my lips on his.

“I’m sorry you lost your mother. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling.

I know how much she meant to you. And, I understand how much of a mess you are right now.

I want you to focus on your healing, August. That’s all that matters right now.

Should you need me, I’m here. You know my number. You have my address. I’m here.”

“That’s not enough.”

“It has to be, August.”

“Ti–”

“I have to leave before I’m late.”

“You don’t have your whip.”

“I don’t, but I have a ride. Get some rest, August.”