Page 14 of Aug

ELEVEN

The thunderous clouds released droplets that landed on the black threads I’d dressed in before sunrise. They were crying too. They were weeping. And, they would never be the same either.

With my hands folded on top of each other, I peered into the six-foot hole that fit the cream casket like a glove.

Everything I’d ever loved was in the ground.

Everything I’d ever needed was in the ground.

Everything I’d ever known was in the ground.

Everything that had ever made sense for me was in the ground.

I swallowed the pride that had carried me through life. There was no room for it here. Pain soared through me, not missing a single inch of my body. The rain washed away the evidence of my cries, but there was one deep, deep inside of me that couldn’t be disguised.

Momma .

My lady.

My love.

My light.

My life.

Though it wasn’t likely, I prayed for the day I left earth before my mother. I didn’t want to bear the pain of losing her. I couldn’t stand even the thought of it. Standing in front of her casket alone, I realized it was no longer a thought. It was my reality.

Six weeks ago, she’d suffered an aneurysm.

For four and a half weeks, she fought to stick around.

However, continuous testing confirmed the lack of brain function.

She’d never wake up. And, if she did, there wasn’t a chance of survival.

Machines kept her alive for as long as I needed to stomach the idea of letting her go.

I wasn’t ready. Not when I got the call. Not when I touched down in Channing. Not when I made it to the hospital. Not for weeks after. And, certainly not now.

The pastor’s words echoed in the distance as I gathered my bearings and turned on the heel of my feet. I didn’t stop moving until I was tucked away in the back of the black SUV. I peeled the suit jacket from my shoulders, and placed my head between my hands as my elbows rested on my knees.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” I responded, hating the way my voice cracked.

Hating the way my heart had cracked.

Hating the way my world had split down the fucking middle.

Hating the way there was an abyss so wide that I could hardly see around it.

Hating everything about this day and this moment because nothing would be the same after it.

The tarmac was my destination. Throwing myself back into work was the only solution for the immeasurable pain I felt. I had to suppress it. I had to block it out. I had to get ahead of it. I had to.

Silently, I rode in the backseat, praying for the aches of my heart to subside. My entire chest hurt. All of it. Down to my stomach which knotted a little more with each passing second.

Ti.

The name rang out in my head for the hundredth time over the last six weeks. However, strength wasn’t a privilege of mine at the moment or any moment since receiving the call that my mother was clinging to life.

I closed my eyes, hoping I hadn’t lost both of my girls in the same breath.

I wouldn’t be able to withstand life if it was the case.

Instead of dwelling on the idea, I quieted my thoughts and awaited the halting of the wheels.

It wasn’t long before they came to a complete stop and I was climbing the stairs of the plane.

“Arrrrrghhhh!”

The glass that was once in my hand collided with the wall. Two hours had passed since I’d walked into my front door and I was no closer to feeling better than I had been when I stepped foot in Channing.

“FUCK.”

My chest inflated. My forehead creased. My nostrils flared.

“Fuck.”

Nothing had prepared me for this moment. Nothing had prepared me for this pain. Nothing had prepared me for this emptiness. Nothing had prepared me for this uncertainty.

“What the fuck, man?”

Confusion plagued me. I was just making plans to visit for the holidays. I was just holding the phone to my ear with nothing more to say as I listened to my mother ramble about her latest obsession.

I’d never hear her voice again. Never feel her arms around me. Never eat anything from her kitchen. Never see her in that all white on my wedding day. Never see her bring up my children. Never see her smile as she told me how proud she was of me for choosing Ti and making a home with her. Never .

Sick to my stomach, I pulled myself up from the dumps and swiped the tears from my face. There was no life there. There was no Audrey. There was nothing.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

A knock on the door startled me.

“Yeah?” I yelled across the living room, uninterested in opening it.

“Leaving in five,” Koen belted.

I nodded, but never responded verbally. I didn’t have to. He knew I’d be ready when the wheels started rolling. Family dinner was tonight and though I hated the idea of leaving the house it was family that I needed to be surrounded by.

Blood couldn’t have made me closer to the people who employed me. I was right where I needed to be for the healing to begin, no matter how long it took or how ugly it was.

In five minutes, I was on the frontline. Koen exited his home and walked the distance to Balle’s crib to find me near the black trucks.

“You good?”

I’ll never be good again, my nigga.

I nodded.

“Here she comes.”

I opened the back door of the Escalade and stood beside it. Balle was dressed in ivory. Her hair hung down her back. Her shoes split her big toe from the one next to it and had a heel that was barely visible. A scarf was draped around her shoulders.

Autumn was officially in full swing and the weather was unpredictable. There was a slight chill, but too many layers would get uncomfortable quickly. My heart smiled seeing her and I didn’t think that was possible so soon.

“August–” she said, leaning in to hug me. “I don’t know if I want to hug you or hit you.”

I pulled her in, holding her tighter than I intended to. But, I was falling, and I was falling fast. I needed something stable. I needed someone stable. Someone unchanging. Something unchanging. Everything inside of me was broken.

“Even if I deserve it, please don’t hit me, Balle. I’ve taken a beaten.”

She didn’t resist my embrace. She clung to me, pulling me closer and holding me tighter. The levees were holding on strong, but they were threatening to break with each passing second.

“Who was it?” She questioned.

“My whole world,” I admitted.

“Your mother?”

“ My mother ,” I choked out.

“I’m so sorry. You should take more tim–”

“Time waits for no one, Balle. You know that.”

I pulled back, gathering myself as much as possible as I did so.

“Sitting at home won’t make it hurt less. Staying on the frontline will help, though.”

“My God, August. I really hate to hear that. I didn’t know what had happened to you. You had us all worried.”

“Don’t worry about me, Balle. That’s my job… to worry about you.”

“Well, it’s time someone worried about you. Besides, you’re family. I couldn’t help myself. God. I’m so sorry.”

“Me, too.”

I helped her inside of the SUV and then slid in beside her. No more words were exchanged. I didn’t have anything left in me. I wanted silence. She respected those unspoken wishes and busied herself with her tablet.

We arrived at the home of The Therapist a few minutes after pulling out of the gates of Balle’s home. The commute was short. They all lived within twenty minutes of each other.

We filed out of the car and into the home to find the entire Childers clan in attendance. Everyone except for the man who’d employed me and the mother of the flock. Greetings were exchanged as we made our way through the home and into the dining room.

Socializing wasn’t in my range of capacity. I got into position and decided not to move for the rest of the night unless absolutely necessary.

Until I heard that familiar voice.

And, then saw that familiar face.

My heart’s cries grew louder as the prettiest girl of them all rounded the corner. Dressed in olive green, Tiana brightened the entire room upon entry. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Slow to blink, I tried my hardest not to miss a moment of her beauty.

Inside and outside.

She was the full package. The full ride. Full scholarship to a better life. Yet, I felt it deep in my bones that I’d fumbled. My gaze lingered, analyzing every movement.

She avoided me like the plague. Her eyes didn’t move in my direction. Her body was angled in the other direction. Her back was facing me.

She’s not happy with me .

I scanned the placecards, hoping hers was near me. It wasn’t. It was on the opposite side, right across from Rome.

Face to face .

I observed as everyone began to settle down and take their seats.

Tiana adjusted her dress as she settled in.

She swiped the strands of hair that had fallen into her face.

The smile on her face was forged. She was experiencing pain, discomfort, and anxiety beyond expected. My presence wasn’t in her plans.

I’m sorry, Ti.

“Happy belated birthday,” Roaman blurted, handing Tiana a small LV bag across the table.

My nostrils swelled. There was another layer added to the complexities of this situation. I’d missed Ti’s birthday.

Fuck .

“Thank you! You really didn’t have to.”

“I know, but I did.”

“So did I,” Range said, handing her a second bag.

“Awww. Thank you.”

“Check your account when you get home tonight, babe,” Royce advised.

Accidentally, her gaze fell on me. My nerves were uneasy, but I didn’t let the opportunity slip.

I’m sorry. I mouthed.

As quickly as she’d found me, she lost me with those pretty eyes. Hadn’t I known Tiana well, I would be on her side of the table, excusing her from dinner and demanding she give me a minute to explain myself.

However, that wouldn’t sit well with her and none of the women at the table. While I didn’t give a fuck, I respected everyone far too much to leave a nasty taste in either of their mouths.

Entitlement . I admitted, slightly disgusted with myself.

The truth was, it didn’t matter how much I wanted her to listen to me at the moment, I didn’t deserve ease of passage. That was the main reason she was still in her seat and I was still against the wall.

“She’s ready.”

“I’m going to need her to ride with one of the ladies.”

“What?” Koen asked.

“Range or Royce or Roaman.”

“Au–”

“I need to take Tiana home.”

“Tiana drove.”

“She won’t be driving back.”

As the words left my mouth, Tiana came storming toward the front door. I stepped in front of her as Koen stepped inside of the house, giving us a moment alone.

“Ti–”

“Please, August. Out of my way. I need–”

“What’s the matter?”

“I have a flat tire. I ne–”

I didn’t wait for her to finish her sentence. Time was of the essence.

“Let me take you home.”

“I’m fin–”

“I’m taking you home, Ti.”

“I can get home myself.”

“I’m not asking, baby.”

I took her bags into my hand and started for the SUV. I swung the passenger door open and waited for her to follow me. Hesitantly, she peered from one side to the other, waiting on someone to save her. There was no one. No one was coming. Koen would make sure of it.

“Tiana.”

Her flattened tire wasn’t accidental. Neither was the availability of the SUV. Everything was intentional. I needed a minute with her. Just a minute to apologize and explain how my world had been flipped upside down.

“I don’t want to, August.”

“Please. I’ll drop you off and keep going about my business.”

“Fine.”

She rounded the truck and ended up in the passenger seat, sure to avoid the slightest physical contact with me. She tried closing the door, but I didn’t give her the chance. I prayed I made it to the other side before she decided to eject herself from the vehicle.

I switched gears as I settled in. The words I’d recited in my head at least fifty times all went to shit. Nothing came to mind. I was too smitten with the woman beside me.

I hadn’t felt like this in weeks. There was something so soothing about her presence. She made everything better. She made me wonder if the bad was really bad because she represented so much good.

“Ti– I just want to–”

She leaned forward, pumping the volume on the radio. Instantly, I was tuned out. Sighing, I nodded, sensing she wasn’t ready to hear whatever the fuck I had to say.

I didn’t know what to say, quite honestly, so I didn’t fight her about it. I tried gathering my thoughts and prayed the words found me within the next sixteen minutes. We’d be at her home and she’d be leaving me with my regrets.

They didn’t. Nothing came to me but comfort. I was hesitant to disrupt that. The peace Ti supplied was unfathomable. Just for a little while, I wanted to enjoy it. I’d been in a whirlwind for the last six weeks.

As we approached her place, the words began to pile up. I lowered the volume of the radio as the tires halted.

“Ti, I’m sorry. I–”

“I gave you a chance and you blew it. I only had two requests, August. Don’t give me a job and don’t leave me lonely. I’ve been working overtime trying to repair the mess you’ve made of me. I don’t care how sorry you are, August. You hurt me, and I won’t give you a second chance to do me that way.”

She bolted. Nothing more was said. She didn’t give me the chance before she was out of the door and inside of her complex.

“Fuck.”

I hammered the steering wheel.

“Fuck!”

My fingers moved at a rapid speed, unlocking my cell that had been silenced since I took off on the plane for Channing that evening. Notifications were plentiful. I disregarded them all and dialed the number I’d been wanting to dial for weeks now. But, I had no words. Only pain.

“Leave me alone, August,” Tiana answered before the phone could ring.

From the cracking of her voice, I knew there were tears.

“Ti–”

Click.

The line died. I redialed the number. This time, it went straight to voicemail. I tried the number again. It rang until the voicemail came on.

Unlock the door, Ti. I’m not leaving until you talk to me.

I sent a text as I found a parking spot.

I was prepared to wait outside of her door all night if it meant I’d get a chance to tell my side of this fucked up story.

She had every right to be pissed, but I had my reasons.

I just needed her to hear me out and punish me how she saw fit because leaving me wasn’t an option. It would never be an option.