Page 114 of Atlas: The Story of Pa Salt

‘Her name is Elle.’ I shut my eyes. ‘She was the love of my life.’

Sarah put her hands on her hips. ‘’Er nameisElle? You mean, she’s not popped her clogs?’

I couldn’t help but smile at Sarah’s brazen manner of speech. ‘No, not at all. She’s just... not on this ship.’

Sarah threw her arms out. ‘Well, what are you so down about then? Just turn round and go get her back!’

‘I wish it was as simple as that, Sarah. She doesn’t want to be with me.’ I felt for the diamond hung around my neck. ‘Anyway, I want to thank you once again, Sarah. I have something here for you, actually.’ I began to lift the string from around my neck.

Sarah put a hand out to stop me. ‘Oh no, I won’t take yer money, mista. Not for doing a kind thing. That’s not right. I mean, if you need yer socks darning, or yer trousers stitchin’ up, I’d be glad to take payment. But not for earlier.’

I was a little taken aback. ‘I don’t think you understand, Sarah, this is a life-changing amount of mon—’

‘Mista, I’m on a boat to the other side of the world. Trust me, that’s enough of a change for the time being. As I said, I’m useful with me ’ands, I’m ’oping I’ll get a job and make some money of me own. And find a fella!’

I tucked the string of the pouch back beneath my shirt. ‘Inwhich case, I will leave you to enjoy your evening. Thank you again, Sarah.’

I started to make the journey to the other side of the deck. ‘Do you believe in God, mista?’ Sarah called to me.

The question caught me off guard. I turned back to face her. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about all that recently, and you seem like a clever bloke. I just wondered what you thought?’

I strolled slowly back towards Sarah, pondering the question. ‘I think it depends what you mean by “God”. I believe in the power of the universe. Maybe that’s the same thing?’

Sarah sniffed. ‘So you don’t think it’s an old geezer with a big white beard?’

I chuckled. ‘That sounds like you’re describing Father Christmas to me. And I most definitely believe in him.’

‘Ha. Well, ’e didn’t make many visits to the orphanage, I can tell yer that.’

‘No.’ I cast my eyes heavenwards and took in the stars. ‘Elle was an orphan, you know. I suppose I am too. Sort of.’

Sarah screwed up her face. ‘’Ow can you besort ofan orphan?’

I smiled. ‘That’s a very good question. It’s difficult to explain.’

‘Well, one thing we ain’t short of is time. I’m gonna do me best to escape up ’ere every night to get out of the smog from all that fag smoke downstairs. You can meet me up ’ere, and you can tell me your story.’

‘My story, eh? I’ve never told it to anyone in full, apart from Elle. It’s very long. And quite sad.’

‘Sadso far, mista. It ain’t over yet, is it?’ I hesitated, unsure of how to respond. Sarah’s face dropped. ‘’Ang on a minute. I know that look. You’re not thinking about chucking yerself over the edge, are yer?’

‘I...’

Sarah was furious. ‘Don’t be so bleedin’ selfish. You know who’d love to be ’ere right now? Me mam. But she can’t be, because a bomb dropped on ’er head. Same goes for all the parents of them little ’uns down there. The kids would give anything to ’ave ’em back when they were so cruelly taken. And ’ere you are, thinkin’ about snuffin’ yerself out.’

I took a step back. ‘Sarah, I didn’t mean to upset you...’

‘Upset me? Nah. I’ll be all right. But you know who won’t be? People who know yer. What about when this Elle finds out you killed yerself because of ’er? ’Ow d’you think she’ll cope with that on her conscience?’ She stared at me, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. In truth, I hadn’t even considered Elle discovering the circumstances of my death. Sarah continued. ‘What’s more, if she did love yer, and it sounds like she did, the last thing she’d want is for you to top yerself.’

I was scrambling for a response. ‘Well... no,’ I conceded. ‘Again, I’m very sorry to have caused distress. Particularly because I lost my parents myself at a young age.’

Rather than placate Sarah, it seemed to incense her further. ‘Well, there yer bleedin’ go then! Yer think they’d be ’appy tonight watchin’ their son hit the ocean?’ She pointed to the sky. ‘I don’t bloody think so.’

The young woman’s straight-talking manner had a sobering effect on me. ‘You’re quite right, Sarah.’ I was suddenly feeling very ashamed of my intentions.

Sarah took a step towards me and softened her tone. ‘You’ve got to remember that life is a gift, mista. Whatever the circumstances.’