Page 44 of Any Second Now (Fort Collins Blizzard Hockey #2)

Best Places to Kayak

ATTICUS

R aleigh doesn’t know what to say.

If the response wasn’t immediately obvious to her, I’d say this is not going to go in the direction I was hoping for.

I feel like I’m going to pass out.

Raleigh broke up with me and sent me away. She told me what she wanted—and it isn’t me. So what am I doing here?

I’m clearing my heart.

Yeah, that’s right. Telling her how I feel and doing everything I can to get her to stay with me. To be with me. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll know I tried.

She doesn’t even look conflicted. I can’t read her right now. Is she so sure of her decision to break up with me and leave?

“You don’t have to say anything,” I whisper and squeeze her hands. At least she’s still touching me. At least we’re connecting in this circle of electricity and sparks and… whatever this beautiful thing is between us. Even if she’s not conflicted about her decision, she’s gotta still feel this.

“I want to.” She drops both my hands and covers her face for a beat, then runs her fingers through her wispy hair. “I need to explain to you.”

Shit. Explain what?

This woman is so beautiful. So real. Standing there in her leggings and hooded sweatshirt. This is the woman I want to be with. She’s perfect for me.

Raleigh is my person.

She crosses her arms and I brace myself for whatever she has to say. Because I can handle it. Raleigh’s broken through the protective layers on my heart, ones that’ve been there for decades. Probably since I was a kid and realized I didn’t want to be like my father, but that I was destined to be.

To that kid I say: no you’re not. You’re not going to be like your father. You’re going to be better than him.

“All my life I’ve followed a plan. I needed to be perfect. After my dad left, my mother fell apart. I was babysitting and mowing lawns in middle school to help pay the bills while she put herself back together.” Raleigh has a far-away expression on her face.

I hadn’t heard that part of her story and my heart swells at the vision of thirteen-year-old Raleigh mowing a lawn for grocery money. I knew there was a tough time in her childhood with her single mom, but that things eventually settled down in their household.

“She didn’t have her shit together at all when I was little.

And the way she struggled after my father left?

It was awful to witness. For years. Eventually, she went back to school and got a great job, and is kicking absolute ass.

You’d never know what her past was like, seeing her now.

” Raleigh looks sideways toward the lake.

“I swore I’d never struggle like that. And she agreed. ”

“That’s a lot of pressure on a kid,” I say softly, and Raleigh turns back to me and nods, her dark eyes on mine.

“So I spent all my time studying. Planning my future. When I was fourteen years old, Mom and I made a spreadsheet of all the possible careers I could pursue, including average starting salaries, education needed, and colleges that were the best value for money. We chose pharmacy as my career, and then did the same assessment for PharmD schools. We picked one, and I followed that plan perfectly from high school through to securing my pharmacist job.”

It makes so much more sense now why she studied so much harder than the rest of us in college. How driven she was. It came from what she went through as a kid.

Which, same.

“But then it went to shit.” Raleigh looks back at me. “I married the wrong guy, and I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong. Then I married another wrong guy.” Her voice cracks a little at the end.

“That must’ve all been so hard, Raleigh.” I don’t know what she’s gone through, but I want to wrap her in my arms to show I care about every bit of it.

Raleigh nods.

“I’ve gone on such a journey since my second divorce.” She reaches her hands for mine again, and my body sighs at the contact, gently stroking her soft fingers with my thumb. “And that journey started with you in December.”

I swallow and the world fades around us. It’s just me and her, standing in front of the Pink Palace at the campsite in Fort Collins, Colorado. We’re the only ones in the state. The country. In the world.

Me and Raleigh.

“New Year’s Eve.” She nods. “There was so much unspoken between us. At least on my side.” Raleigh lets out a low chuckle.

“I’ve thought about that kiss every single day.

And maybe it gave me the courage to realize I wanted to go do things for myself.

I never had time to travel or for hobbies.

I was always working or studying or investing myself in those who weren’t right for me.

I want to be more than a blank canvas for other people to tell their story on.

That’s what’s been happening my whole life.

” She bites her bottom lip. “Even my mother painted her story on me. The story she’d wished she’d lived from the start, not waited until she was forced to. ”

“Raleigh.” I want to pull her into my arms and show her how special she is. I want to tell her I’d never try to brush my colors on her canvas. “You are not a blank canvas. You are already the most beautiful painting in the world.”

Her eyes widen and lift.

“Thank you. I want to figure out who I really am.”

I nod in support, but this sounds like she’s going to go travel the world. Did those stupid memoirs work too well?

“But I know one thing.” Raleigh steps closer and slips her hands out of mine, placing them on my chest. I reach forward and grab her waist.

“What do you know, coach?” I say in a husky voice.

One side of her mouth quirks up.

“I know that I love you.” She pauses and the world spins around us. “I’m in love with you too, Atticus.”

Could she really? Did I hear her right? I need her to say more. I want to hear everything. I move my hands to the small of her back and tug her closer until our bodies are touching. I’m not letting her get away. Not this time.

“I don’t know when I realized it. Wait—yes I do.” She laughs. “It was not long after I broke up with you. I’m so sorry about that.” Her face breaks.

“It’s okay.” I pull her closer to me until our hips press together. “But I’d really like you to tell me you love me again.”

“I love you, Atticus. I love everything about you. I love you because you’re smart and loyal and funny and damn, you make me laugh.

You love zombies and got me to go out on the water.

You learned to do cross-stitch for me. You’ve never judged me and my weird choices.

And you are so thoughtful.” She looks pointedly at the coop holding Megghen, then over at the hammock.

“Do you know what I’ve been doing all morning? ”

I shake my head, unable to form words.

“I’ve been looking things up online. Kayaking. Cross-stitch groups. Apartments to rent.”

“Here?”

“Here.” She wraps her arms around my neck, pressing herself flush against my body.

A tiny, desperate sound escapes my throat. “I would do basically anything to have you stay here in Fort Collins. Fuck your old life back in Connecticut. You belong here with me?—”

Raleigh pulls my head down and presses our lips together. I’m ready for her. She buries her hands in my hair, knocking my baseball cap off in the process.

The kiss is like coming home. Her lips are warm, her mouth inviting, and I could stand here forever with my arms wrapped around her. She makes a humming sound and it vibrates through my mouth and into my body.

She leans back an inch and smiles against my lips.

“I’m not leaving, rebound guy.” She pulls me back and kisses me again.

Raleigh’s. Not. Leaving.

The words swirl in my head like a tornado of autumn leaves, rearranging themselves and always falling back into the right order: she’s not leaving.

“I could kiss you all day and all night—and I plan to—but can you please explain exactly what you mean by you’re not leaving ? I understand all the words, but I’m having a hard time processing.”

“All I know is I can’t imagine being apart from you. Maybe this won’t last?—”

“Are you kidding me?” I cut her off and move my hands up to cup her face. “This is forever.” I kiss her long and hard. “Forever.”

She lets out a noisy breath. “Forever?”

“Yeah. Do you disagree?”

“No, but, Atticus?—”

“Let me guess. You don’t want to get married. ”

I cannot believe I am bringing up marriage to Raleigh Hayes. It should be terrifying. The thing I’ve been avoiding my entire life. But I’d marry her. I would. I’d do it tomorrow. Today, even. And I’d spend the rest of my life making it work.

“Right. But not because of you. Because of me. And I’m not saying never. But I need to make sure I understand myself before I do that, and that might take a long time.”

“I get it.” I slide my hands into her hair and kiss her deeply before coming back up for a breath.

“As long as I can fall asleep with you in my arms at night. As long as I can text or call you when I’m having a bad day, or I want to know how yours is going.

As long as you’ll come to my games when we’re in town and wear my jersey.

As long as you’ll agree to be mine, Raleigh Hayes. ”

Raleigh’s cheeks turn a deep shade of pink and she smiles at me, a promise in her eyes that I know mirrors my own.

“Your jersey! Wait here—I have something for you.” Raleigh flies out of my arms and darts back into the Pink Palace.

“Okay?” I laugh and memorize this moment. The joy and anticipation.

She comes out a moment later, cheeks flushed, holding… my jersey? I knew I’d left it with her, but I wanted her to keep it. I wanted to know she’d see it when she opened her drawers, maybe wear it if she missed me.

“Last night… I realized I’d made a mistake breaking up with you.” She shakes her head and clutches the jersey to her chest. “But I thought it was too late. So I, uh, stitched something onto your jersey.”

“Um, what?” I cannot suppress a chuckle. I have literally no idea where this is going.

“I just kept thinking about how you’ve been fighting so hard to prove you’re not like your father. You’re not a player. You’re a good person and, contrary to your request for me to be your dating coach, you are fully capable of being someone’s boyfriend.”

I feel a sweet, painful stab in my belly .

“Don’t be mad I desecrated your jersey.” She watches me with her brow furrowed. “I spent hours on it last night.”

“Now I’m incredibly curious.”

Raleigh holds out the front of my jersey, which looks just like it always does.

“Oops.” She flips it around.

My last name is in yellow above the number 8, as always. But in between, there is a small set of words cross-stitched on. I squint my eyes and lean forward, reaching out to hold the sides.

“More than just a player?” I say.

“Yeah. Get it? Like works for you as a hockey player and also, you know…”

I look up and Raleigh’s cheeks are bright pink.

“I get it.” My heart squeezes.

“I realize I probably destroyed a $100 jersey. Are you mad?”

“Um, it’s closer to $400, I believe.”

She gasps. “Oh no.”

“Raleigh. I love it. I love you.”

“Really? Thank god. I honestly didn’t think you’d ever see it.”

“Hey.” I grab the jersey and throw it over my shoulder, then pull her close to me again. I always want her close to me. “Ask me that dating question again.”

I feel so damn full right now. Full of her. Full of love. Happiness. Everything.

“Dating question?” Her brow furrows.

“Yeah. Remember? You said you always want to know what people’s plans are for five years from now.”

“Oh.” She moans. “It’s the worst question, I know?—”

“I know where I see myself in five years.” All at once my future plan is perfectly clear in my head.

Raleigh presses her lips together. “Okay. Go ahead.”

“I see myself with you. Maybe we’ll have a house somewhere with a whole backyard of chickens.” I love the smile on her face. “ Or maybe we’ll be traveling the country in a very much upgraded Pink Palace.”

“I’m never driving it.”

“Done.” I squeeze her sides. “Maybe we’ll be married with a couple of kids.”

Her eyes widen.

“We can talk about that,” I say quickly, not wanting to freak her out. I’d have kids with her or not, whatever she wants. “As long as I’m with you. That’s what I see most clearly five years from now.”

“That’s the perfect answer,” she says with a sigh and kisses me again. And again. Her mouth opens for me and I swipe my tongue in until her breathing speeds up. Raleigh pulls back and nods to the Pink Palace with heat in her eyes. “Do you want to?—”

“God, I’ve missed you.” I bend down and sweep her up and into my arms, like a groom carrying his bride. She giggles and clings to my neck.

“You are ridiculous.”

“Shut up, coach,” I growl. We crash into the Pink Palace and I kick the door shut behind us.