Page 37 of Any Second Now (Fort Collins Blizzard Hockey #2)

Say It Again

RALEIGH

“ Y ou’re back! Why didn’t you tell me??” I run the last few steps to Lucy and throw my arms around her body, squeezing tight.

“I mean, I tried calling, but you didn’t answer,” she says with a strangled voice.

“Oops. Sorry, I’ll let you breathe.” I step back and look at her. Lucy’s red curls are mostly held back with a big scrunchie. Her green eyes—so much like Atticus’s—sparkle in the bright afternoon sun. Man, I really missed her. “I’ve been a bit scatterbrained.”

“And then I figured I’d just surprise you.

We’ve changed our return flight a few times, so I figured you didn’t remember my latest date and time.

” She scrunches her mouth to one side. “Or maybe I didn’t tell you.

Either way, six weeks was enough time away from Fort Collins.

And Kellen missed his daughter, even though she spent time with us in London. ”

“Well, I missed you too.” Even though we don’t live in the same place, being on different continents was too much.

Lucy glances over at the mural. “Wow. That’s gorgeous.”

I nod, a lump still in my throat .

“Your neighbor was telling me how there’s been some artist here all week working on this.”

“Yeah. Atticus arranged it.” I sigh and pull at my hair. “A surprise.”

The best surprise.

Lucy intakes a breath sharply and turns to me. “Oh no, Raleigh.”

“Oh no what?” I turn to her, my brow furrowed.

“The way you just said his name.” Lucy crosses her arms and chuckles.

“What way? I said his name.”

“Say it again, sis.”

“Fine.” What did I do the first time? “Atticus.”

“See? You did it again.” Lucy shakes her head, a smirk on her freckled face.

Shit. Yeah. Even I heard that. His name came out of my mouth more like a sigh than a three syllable word. Like something treasured and reverent.

Someone loved.

“Damn,” I whisper.

“Did you seriously come here and fall in love with my brother?”

“What?” How did she already figure that out? What the hell? Am I that transparent?

No. But she’s my best friend. It’s probably written all over my face, and she knows me like no one else.

“You heard me.”

“No, of course not…” my sentence trails off and I gaze back to the mural on the Pink Palace. Why bother lying to her? I’m desperate to talk about this with someone, and why not let it be my best friend and Atticus’s sister?

She waits while my eyes trace over the colorful strokes on the side of the RV.

I only now realize that my name is woven into the painting in the most subtle way, R a part of the chicken—which looks adorably like Megghen with her spikey white feathers—and aleigh integrated into the tall trees and swooping mountain. It’s like a Where’s Waldo of the letters of my name.

“Raleigh Durham. You’re crying.” Lucy steps forward and drapes her arm over my shoulders. Whenever she uses my old nickname, it makes me revert back to our college years. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

I don’t know what there is to talk about. What can Lucy say that I haven’t already worked through in my head?

“Yeah.”

“Let’s grab coffee in town. The jet lag is killing me and I missed Deep Roots.”

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and nod.

A half hour later, we are settled at a table at Deep Roots back in downtown Fort Collins.

I explain the last few weeks to Lucy and she listens carefully while sipping her vanilla oat milk latte. I leave out any mention of sex after the first face that Lucy made. She requested I give no further details on that aspect of me and Atticus.

“That’s a lot, Raleigh.”

“Yeah.” It feels so good to be face-to-face with one of my best friends instead of seeing her on a video call.

“I can’t believe Jacob came here. Think he really understands it’s over?”

I nod. I do. The emails and text messages and phone calls have all stopped. He went back to the East Coast. It’s only been a few days, but I believe it’s truly over.

“And you really think it’s done between you and my brother?”

“Yes.” I shrug, but my shoulders are tight and it’s more like a flinch. “What kind of future could we have? We’re not like you and Kellen were, you know. It’s not some big romantic love story.”

“Hmm.” Lucy makes an unconvinced face. “I mean, it’s not not a big romantic love story.”

“No.” I shake my head, thinking of the way the two of them fell in love last fall. It was truly special. “You don’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Most of it’s probably in my head anyway. Do I really love him? Or am I just jumping on the first guy who pays attention to me post-divorce? That’s my pattern, you know.”

Lucy take a deep breath and nods.

“You have to take that into consideration, sure.”

“And I have a life to get back to.” Don’t I? Yes, I do. This sabbatical has been… something, but now it’s time to get back to my reality. “I need to drag my ass back to the East Coast.”

I think of the Pink Palace and the gorgeous mural on its side. What am I going to do with that big pile of scrap metal? Sell it? Live in it? Drive it off a cliff?

How do I not have a plan for that?

“There are other options, you know.” Lucy’s voice is soft and she watches me as she sips from her ceramic mug.

“Like what?” I narrow my eyes at my friend. I shouldn’t even entertain this conversation. Lucy doesn’t understand.

“A few questions first.”

“Ohh-kay.”

“One. Are you going to keep the house you and Jacob bought together as a married couple, filled with memories and ghosts of your failed relationship, or will you live somewhere else so you can move on with your life?” Lucy cocks her head.

“I feel like that’s a leading question.” I sigh. “Alright. I guess my plan is to sell it and live in an apartment or something.”

But that sounds awful. I don’t want to live in a sad one-bedroom apartment in Connecticut.

“Cool cool, so no great housing roots there.” Lucy taps her lips with her pointer finger. “Second—your pharmacy job is waiting for you, yes?”

“Yup. Talked to my manager yesterday.” After avoiding even listening to Stacey’s voicemail, I forced myself to call her back. She was checking in on how my sabbatical has been and confirming my return date.

“Great.” Lucy takes a deep breath through her nose.

What’s her game here?

“I just need to show up two weeks from tomorrow.” My voice hitches on the last word.

Lucy blinks at me. I clear my throat.

“Don’t you work at a chain pharmacy?” Lucy tilts her head.

“You know I do.”

“Don’t they also have branches here in Fort Collins?” Lucy nods. “Like a bunch?”

Yup. There are at least three locations around Fort Collins.

And now I understand exactly what Lucy’s getting at.

“Are you seriously suggesting I stay here?” She’s gotta be out of her mind. I scrunch my face and squeeze my eyes shut. I won’t even let myself picture that. It’s not a reasonable option for me.

Definitely not on the spreadsheet.

But didn’t I delete the spreadsheets?

“I mean, yeah, Raleigh, I kind of am.”

“That’s not what I came here for. That’s not who I am.

” I open my eyes and focus on my coffee.

“I left Connecticut thinking I could be someone else. Someone more interesting, exciting, whatever. But that’s just not me.

” Talking to Jacob the other day made me realize it.

I’ve been playing a part out here, trying out different versions of myself, and it just hasn’t worked.

Chicken Mama. Kayak Warrior. RV Adventurer. Cross-Stitch Lady.

Puck Bunny?

“I’m gonna return to Connecticut and go back to work. And I won’t have time to do cross-stitch or take care of chickens.”

Again with the voice hitching .

“Okay,” Lucy says, nodding her head. “I can see that.”

But I don’t know if she does see that. Why should she? Her life has proven otherwise. She gave up so much live in Fort Collins. Sure, she stayed for an amazing job and a hunky, sweet dude, but that’s not me.

She’s clearly got some serious opinions about where my life is headed. Where it should be headed.

And I don’t want to hear it.

Still, the idea of packing my shit up and driving away from Fort Collins in my pink RV turns my stomach.

I groan and drop my head into my hands.

“Raleigh? You okay?”

“I’m fine,” I say, but it’s muffled. I lift my head up and plaster on a smile. “Can we talk about your trip now, instead? How’s January doing? I can’t believe you hung out without me for weeks!”

“Yeah. I can’t either.” Lucy leans back in her chair and crosses her arms.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I truly don’t understand.

“I’m just surprised you didn’t hop on a plane and come see us. There was literally nothing stopping you.”

I scoff. “I mean, well…” I search for a reason why that never occurred to me. Why didn’t I get on a plane to go see my friends in England instead of sticking around here? Getting into something I can’t seem to extract myself from?

Why didn’t that even cross my mind?

Lucy studies me, waiting.

“I had to take care of Megghen.”

“Your chicken.”

“Yes.”

“That is technically not even your chicken.”

“I mean, I guess that’s correct.”

“Aren’t you going to have to give her to a farm or something before you leave anyway? ”

I let out a little squeak.

There’s been a few more responses to my posting, including offers to take Megghen if I don’t find her owner. But I’m afraid I’ll hand her over and they’ll immediately chop her head off and make her into dinner. How can I trust anyone else with that chicken, the one who trusts me with her very life?

Maybe I could drive her back to Connecticut. And then what? I guess I could keep the house, but the HOA might not approve of a chicken in the backyard. And an apartment certainly wouldn’t. She can’t live in my tub or free range in an apartment, leaving warm eggs hidden everywhere.

I groan and squeeze my eyes shut.

My decision making has been absolute shit. But there’s no going back. No fixing what I’ve done. Only making better decisions going forward.

Like finding a no-kill farm or a family with a backyard coop for Megghen.

Packing up the Pink Palace.

Going back to my job and my hometown.

That’s the plan.

“I’m leaving next weekend,” I say firmly. “I’d go sooner, but you just got here and I want to hang out.”

Lucy leans over and pats my hand, but doesn’t say anything else on the subject.

Then she starts telling me about her trip. I mostly listen, but a slideshow of the past month flies through my mind on repeat.

Atticus stars in every image.

I’ve done so much damage here.

I need to get back to the East Coast and let myself heal.