Page 36 of Any Second Now (Fort Collins Blizzard Hockey #2)

The Unthinkable

ATTICUS

“ Y ou are all fucking pathetic.” Barrett shakes his head at us and makes a disgusted grunt. He leans back in his chair, hands linked over his abdomen.

“Who is this kid?” Harley—who just arrived back in town from Maine with bad relationship news of his own—glares at Barrett Steele like he’s a random dude we picked up on the street corner.

Harley knows very well who Barrett is. But I can always count on Harley to be a dick to someone like Barrett.

He was the same to me when I met him years ago.

Besides, Barrett tends to bring the worst out in people when he first meets them. I chuckle.

“Barrett Steele. How do you not know who I am?” A puzzled look falls on the kid’s face, like he truly doesn’t understand how someone wouldn’t know who he is.

Arrogant prick.

But, he’s kind of grown on me. Like a foot fungus.

“Yeah, I know who you are.” Harley scoffs. “I’m just not sure why you’re here. In Fort Collins. In this bar. At this table with us. Right this very moment. ”

This is harsh, even for Harley. He’s not himself at all. I feel the need to jump in.

“Come on, Harley. You know he’s our new second line right wing.” I glance at Barrett, who looks at me with raised brows and a bright smile. Whatever. He needed my help. I’ll punch him in the arm later to set things right.

“He’s one of us now.” Lachlan reaches for the pitcher of beer and fills his to the very tippy top, then splits the last few drops between the rest of us.

“And I’m not sure of the second line bullshit,” Barrett says, but everyone at the table gives him a hard glare. “Woah, fine, okay. Second line.” He holds his hands up in mock defeat.

“What the fuck ever.” Harley shakes his head and looks away from Barrett.

“I don’t understand.” I stare at Harley. “What the hell happened with Emily?”

Harley showed up a few hours ago, back early from his summer in Maine. He goes back home every offseason to spend time with his long-term girlfriend.

Ex -girlfriend.

“I told you not to bring it up.” Lachlan lets out a frustrated sigh.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Harley’s words are clipped and and angry. “I don’t ever want to talk about what happened with her.”

“I’m sorry, mate.” Lachlan lets out a deep breath. I swallow and nod. Barrett rolls his eyes.

“Sure, dude. Whatever you say.” I hold my hands up. We’ll find out eventually.

The whole world has gone absolutely insane if Harley is single.

He’s thirty-five years old and is one or two seasons max away from retirement.

He’s always talked about going home to marry his girlfriend and have a bunch of babies after hockey.

There’s never been any drama or questions about his relationship.

Actually, we don’t know much about it because he doesn’t share many details.

And Emily never came to Fort Collins. Not once in the entire time he’s been here, as far as I know.

Which, now that I think about it, is quite the red flag.

“Great.” Barrett scoffs. “Let’s not talk about this again.

I’m on board with that. Ever since I arrived, one of you has been crying over a woman.

” He shakes his head. I think Harley might actually go ahead and murder him now.

Might as well get it over with, I suppose.

“But the good news is that now everyone here is single. Think of the women you get to fu?—”

“Shut up, Barrett,” Lachlan growls with a sideways glance at Harley, who might have real steam pouring out of his ears. “Besides, Atticus isn’t single.” He waves a hand at me.

Everyone’s head swivels to me.

“You’re not single? Who the hell are you dating?” Harley’s eyes widen.

Well, fuck me. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t single, and now I really don’t want anyone to know I am .

“I am single,” I say firmly, a stabbing in my chest saying the words out loud.

Lachlan’s brow creases. “What about Raleigh?”

“Raleigh? Lucy’s friend?” Harley’s eyebrows lift and he looks remarkably less destitute than he did just a minute ago. Turns out other people’s problems are a good distraction from our own.

“Yeah. She’s been in town.”

“Doing what?” Harley asks.

Harley, Lachlan, and Barrett all stare at me.

“Go on, Atter.” Lachlan waves his hand in the air to get me to continue. “Story time.”

Fuuuck. Much like Harley, I really don’t want to talk about this.

“We’ve kind of had a thing.” I grumble and chug my beer, hoping they’ll all magically disappear. “But it’s over now.”

“What? When did that happen?” Lachlan’s face drops. He looks as devastated as I feel. Shit. I guess he was more invested in me and Raleigh than I thought.

“Today. She’s got drama with her ex-husband that she needs to work out in her head.” I attempt to sound casual, but I’m immediately filled with the urge to go punch that guy. “And she’s heading to the East Coast soon to start back at her job.”

Fuck, I want her to stay here. But I can’t think of a logical argument for her to do so. For my immature ass? I’ll never fit in her spreadsheet.

“Man, I’m sorry.” Harley shakes his head and looks genuinely sorrowful. “I know you’ve had a thing for her.”

“Why would you say that?” I blink at him.

“I mean, the flirting, the video calls, New Year’s Eve? We’re not stupid.” Harley shrugs. “You’ve not been your normal self since then.”

“Agreed.” Lachlan nods.

“Fuck yeah!” Barrett jumps in, completely bereft of all emotional intelligence. “We really are all single then. Let’s get drunk and?—”

“Fuck off, Barrett,” I interrupt, not sounding as harsh as I mean to.

“You guys are depressing as shit,” he sighs.

“Who’s depressing as shit?” A familiar voice rings out from behind me.

Kellen appears behind my chair.

“Hey, you’re back,” I say. Kellen slaps me on the shoulder before reaching behind him to grab an empty chair from the next table, pulling it over and sitting in one swift move.

Relief cascades through me. It’s like the team dad just returned.

Maybe he can get his brokenhearted children under control.

Kellen looks around the table and grins at Barrett.

“Welcome to Fort Collins, Steele. How’re you settling in?”

“Good, but these assholes are all crying in their chocolate milk about women. Miserable about being single, when they should be basking in it.” Barrett stands. “I’m getting another pitcher of beer, and before any of you whine about it being two o’clock in the afternoon, I don’t give a fuck.”

“That guy’s a character.” Kellen snorts as Barrett walks away. “Hey, sorry about Emily,” Kellen says to Harley.

Harley nods and stares sightlessly into his pint glass, apparently not willing to snap back at our team captain like he snapped at the new guy.

“Uh, just so you know, we’re not talking about that.” Lachlan leans over to Kellen and fake-whispers. Harley glares at him. “And we’re definitely not saying her name.”

“Ah, okay. And sorry about Melissa,” Kellen says, this time to Lachlan.

“Thank you.” Lachlan pales.

“But you and Raleigh, huh?” Kellen turns to me with a wicked grin.

“Over.” I shake my head.

“Oh, shit.” Kellen sits up a little straighter. “What the hell happened?”

“She’s going back home.” I shrug. It’s the simplest answer. And I don’t have the strength to bring up her ex-husband again.

“Lucy’s with Raleigh right now.” Kellen runs a hand through his dark hair and watches me thoughtfully.

I don’t know how to feel about my sister talking to Raleigh about this. Not that there’s any way to stop it. But they’re gonna talk about everything , and it’s been such a private summer without friends and teammates around to witness and judge and jump in on my relationship with Raleigh.

I’m not sure I can go back to normal. I don’t even know what normal is anymore. Bringing girls back to the hotel room when we travel? Sounds heartless and empty. Not after I know what it’s like to sleep with someone I have real feelings for. Someone I lo?—

Woah.

Wait .

No.

Black spots edge around the corner of my vision and heat washes over me.

Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I did not just think that.

Really, I didn’t. I definitely cut off that dirty word halfway through.

“Fresh pitcher,” Barrett announces and stays standing to refill glasses.

“Thanks,” I manage. Kellen chuckles and I glance around the table at despondent faces. We really are pathetic.

“A toast.” Barrett lifts his glass. “Love sucks. Avoid it at all costs.” He chugs half his pint.

“I’ll drink to that,” Lachlan says and follows suit.

Love sucks.

Love?

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

I didn’t go and fall in love with Raleigh Hayes this summer, did I?

But even as I think it, my chest fills with warmth around those three little words, so much so that my heart might burst out of my body.

I fell in love with Raleigh.

I love her.

And I have a feeling it happened before this summer.

Have I loved her since New Year’s Eve, when I finally got to fulfill my college dream of kissing her?

Or did it happen long before that?

Have I loved her since college?

And this summer was my chance to get her to fall in love with me.

My second chance. Or third, if you count freshman year of college as the first.

And I didn’t understand the assignment.

I think I fucked it up.

“Atticus, drink!” Barrett demands. “Or it’s bad luck.”

I gulp my beer toss and let my revelation settle.

I love Raleigh.

But she still broke up with me.

She’s still leaving.

“You okay, dude?” Kellen says quietly from next to me.

“I really fucked up.” My voice is low, only for my best friend.

“What do you mean?”

“I let her walk away.” I close my eyes and crinkle my face.

It’s so obvious now. She was pushing me away. I don’t give a fuck that she was sending her ex-husband money. She cared enough to help him because she’s a good person. When I asked her if she loved him, she told me no without hesitation. But she doesn’t trust herself to let herself go with me.

But I trust her.

I let her go because I’m scared of myself. Scared of who my father is and how I would treat someone like Raleigh.

If I could go back to when she said goodbye to me at the door to my building, I’d do it all over again. I’d refuse her goodbye and drag her inside—respectfully, of course—and make her understand that she can trust herself. That maybe she can help me trust myself.

But it’s too late for any of that.

“Want to get out of here and talk about it?”

I shake my head. What’s the point? I’m not going to have some stupid happily ever after like Kellen and my sister.

My phone pings in my pocket and I fish it out, too eager.

It’s Raleigh, and my heart leaps.

Raleigh

Thank you for the mural

I wait for more, but that’s it.

What am I supposed to say to that ?

You’re welcome, I did it because I’m madly in love with you?

I love you, please don’t leave me?

Just… I love you?

I glance up and Harley is studying my face astutely. He’s the polar opposite of Barrett, with emotional intelligence too high for his own good.

And look where that got him.

Dumped, like the rest of us.

I love Raleigh Hayes.

Now that those words are in my head they feel so damn right. Painfully fucking right. But even if I had told her how I feel, even if I had realized it in time, I would’ve just come off as pathetic. She would still be leaving. Dealing with her ex-husband.

I’m the rebound after her second divorce. The third dude she’s ever slept with. Now she can check off a summer fling with a pro hockey player.

Then she can go look for her next husband. Or one of her ex-husbands.

I’m an asshole. I know it.

And that’s the point.

It’s who I am. Maybe Raleigh hurt me more than I hurt her this time, but it was inevitable I’d do it eventually.

No one would talk marriage to me.

Not ever.

I’m my father’s son.

A player. A hook up guy.

And this season, Lachlan and I will go back to being our old selves. Barrett will happily join us. Maybe we’ll even rope Harley in, now that he’s inexplicably single.

I’ll forget about Raleigh Hayes.

And that will be that.