Page 9 of Another Underworld (Good To The Last Demon #6)

CHAPTER NINE

According to the former prisoners, three more camps needed to be liberated. They were all located along the road that led back to my castle. The guesstimate was that there were at least a thousand prisoners in each. That would give us an army of four thousand. Unfortunately, none of them would be well enough to fight.

We’d set up tents about five miles from the next camp we were going to attack. I’d dropped a ward around us for protection and to keep us from being seen. Magic was handy in the middle of nowhere. Between Cher, Abaddon, Fifi and myself, we’d conjured up basic tents, bedding, clothing, food and water. Even Pandora joined in by conjuring up alcohol—twenty-five barrels of high-end bourbon. That hadn’t been on the top of anyone’s list but it was greatly appreciated by the newly freed Demons and probably gained her a couple more points. Abaddon had transported to an orchard in the Darkness that grew healing fruit and came back with a ton. Literally. It was odd-looking. It resembled an orange in color and size, but the fruit beneath the peel was dark green. If I’d bought it at the grocery store, I would have tossed it into the trash for being rotten. It took Abaddon bribing me with a two-hour massage and binge-watching the Food Network with me for me to try it. It was surprisingly delicious—kind of chewy, but tasty.

Abaddon had suggested we take a couple days, one, at the very least, before we moved on. Getting our people into fighting form was imperative. I agreed even though my worry about Irma, Jonny, Moon, Stella and Corny increased with each passing moment. I reminded myself repeatedly that all of them were both skilled and insane. For a Demon, it wasn’t a bad combo.

The other factor we had to take into consideration was that the new God might have been in contact with the guards. If messages weren’t returned, our presence would be discovered before we wanted it to be. That would suck and be deadly if the charlatan did indeed have death magic at his disposal.

“Bitch Goddess Cecily,” a Demon called Tiny, who was anything but tiny, said as he bowed in respect. He’d approached my tent warily but relaxed when I smiled. “May I speak freely?”

“You may,” I replied. I’d been talking with many of my followers. The stories from the camp were stomach-churning. The behavior of the new God was horrifying even by Darkness standards. It seemed as if the counterfeit wannabe God was destroying everything that Lilith and Pandora had created. And while Pandora had ruled with cruelty and an iron fist, this jackoff made Pandora’s methods look like child’s play. The oddest part was that none of the Demons knew the God’s name. It was a masked man that went by God.

The hubris was big—just like the appalling size of the junk on his statues.

“There is something awry,” Tiny began.

I almost laughed. His words were a massive understatement. However, I kept my composure and waited for more.

“Something is different with the new enemy,” he said, trying to explain himself, but not doing a great job of it.

“Can you be more specific?” I asked. Fifi, Cher and Pandora were with me. Abaddon was out amongst our people making sure the strange fruit got distributed to all.

Tiny appeared uncomfortable to speak in front of an Angel, a Succubus and another Goddess… who was still skating on very thin ice.

“It’s fine,” I assured him. “These people are my trusted council. You can speak openly.”

He nodded and continued. “Two months ago, when the new God came into power…”

“Hold up,” I said, perplexed. “Two months?” Lilith was still alive two months ago. Pandora still had loyal followers two months ago. I had no clue I was a Demon two months ago. Those were the good old days.

“Imbecile,” Pandora said with one of her famous eye rolls. “Time runs differently here. Two months in the Darkness could be two hours on the human plane. A century could be a week. Get with the program.”

I decided to match her eye roll. Sadly, mine didn’t come close. “Right. Instead of treating me like a toddler, how about you be my teacher who has an attitude that doesn’t suck?”

Tiny was perturbed by the idea. I wasn’t.

“And I can be your councilor in all things good,” I added.

“And my warden,” she snapped.

“Actually, that job belongs to Candy Vargo,” I reminded her. “And she gave me full permission to electrocute your ass. I’d keep that in mind, Pandora.”

“Like I could forget it,” she muttered, indulging in a glass of bourbon.

From what I understood, it was difficult for a Demon to tie one on. I really hoped that was true. The last thing I needed was a wasted army and a wasted Goddess.

“Tiny,” I said, getting back on track. “Please, keep going.”

“Of course. Everyone who refused to betray you was immediately thrown into the camps and tortured. Most of us lived, but not all.” He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, they were full of pain and sorrow. “For those who fought back too hard… they were beaten within an inch of their lives. Then they died.”

I wasn’t following him. It was possible to get beaten to death. Unsure what he was trying to tell me, I glanced over at Pandora. I’d expected an eye roll. I didn’t get it.

She put her glass down and stared at Tiny. The huge man seemed to shrink under her gaze. “They didn’t heal?”

He shook his head. “No. They didn’t. They should have, but they didn’t. No one understands.”

“Were they decapitated?” she pressed.

“No,” he replied. “Just beaten and unable to heal.”

Pandora’s eyes shot to mine. While I couldn’t read her mind, I knew exactly what she was thinking.

“Death magic,” I said flatly. “The false God is using death magic.”

She nodded. “The question is, where in the fuck is this imposter getting death magic?”

“Is it not common?” I questioned.

“It’s not,” Cher said. “I’m older than the hills and I don’t know how to create it. Whoever is using it is older than Satan’s balls.”

While Satan was a human fairy tale, I got the point.

“Pandora,” I said, knowing my next words were going to knot her panties into a wad. “At your… umm… age, do you know how to use it or create it?”

Her eyes narrowed to slits. “What are you accusing me of, bitch?”

I inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. Then I sat on my hands. The need to electrocute her was high. That would accomplish nothing other than having a little fun. Fun wasn’t on the agenda right now, considering what was going on. “Nothing, Stinky Whore. I’m trying to figure out how old Big Dick and his balls might be. And since you’re being such a cow, I won’t be polite. Why I asked you is because you’re older than dirt. If you don’t know how to create it, there’s a good possibility that fake ass God boy balls is older than you. That would narrow down the suspects.”

“Why didn’t you lead with that, idiot?” she snapped. “If you had, I would have told you that no one is older than me and your mother. We were two of the first Demons created by the Higher Power.”

There went my theory. Crap. And the Higher Power… I hadn’t even been looking for Phyllis. Hopefully, It would stay out of my business until the future of the world wasn’t on the line. I could only handle one shitshow at a time.

“Let me ask you this,” I posed. “If there was a Demon practitioner of death magic who came into the world after you and my mom, would you have known about it?”

“Absolutely,” Pandora said, not missing a beat. “And I would have killed him or her dead. Your mother would have done the same.”

“But clearly, there is a Demon who practices it. And since no Demon is older than you or Lilith, it doesn’t make sense.”

She raised a brow. “Have you considered that Big Pecker Son-of -a-Bitch might not be a Demon at all?”

That was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting. “No. I haven’t.” I turned to get Tiny’s opinion.

He was at a loss and wrung his hands. “I’ve seen him. He was masked. It was from a distance, but he appeared to be a Demon. I wouldn’t think a being of another species would be able to pull something so large over on so many.”

I didn’t either, but I’d only been in the Demon business for a very short period of time.

“Do we know of anyone from another species that uses death magic?” I asked.

No one had an answer.

Cher was agitated. When she got agitated, she went to town on her face. Her lips were royal blue and the perimeters were green. Her eyeshadow was pink lined in orange. And her brows? Purple. It was a frightening sight. “I’m thinking we might need more glowing toothpicks. It’s the only thing that can counteract the death magic,” she said, trying to put on false eyelashes and failing. She placed them a little too high. It looked like she had bugs growing out of her purple brows.

“And how are we going to do that?” I asked.

“You send me and Fifi back to the mortal plane and we get them from Candy Vargo,” she replied.

I considered her request. I now had an army, but they were not in good shape. We still had three more camps to liberate before we could challenge the fake God. Plus, if time ran differently here, she and Fifi might not be back for a century.

Just as I was about to tell Cher no, Pandora cut in.

“It’s not a bad idea,” Pandora said. “Leave your toothpicks behind in case we need them.”

I pulled out my glowing box and examined it. “There are fifty toothpicks in each box. All combined, we have two-hundred and fifty. We can’t even cover a small portion of our army. Not to mention the whole time running differently here. Cher and Fifi might not be back until the battle is over. That’s a shit plan.”

“With all due respect, Bitch Goddess Cecily,” Tiny said, “I beg to disagree.”

Pandora hissed. She clearly didn’t like being challenged. Me? I didn’t mind. As long as it wasn’t blatant disrespect, I was open to listening to my people. Hell, he wasn’t even disagreeing with her… I shot her a glare, and she backed off.

“Tell me your thoughts, please,” I told Tiny.

He cleared his throat and proceeded. “In our group, we have fifty of the most qualified Demon assassins in the Darkness.”

“Bullshit,” Pandora snapped. “Lilith didn’t have the fifty top assassins. I did.”

“ Did being the operative word,” Tiny reminded her. “They have defected to the Bitch Goddess Cecily.”

Pandora’s mouth opened as if she wanted to say something, but no words came out. Her eyes began to glow red with fury and her body shook. I stood up, crossed over to her and got right in her face.

“If you do anything in retaliation, you will be very sorry. I might not be a gazillion years old, and I might not be up on all the Demon lingo and history, but I’m a badass, and I will rip you a new ass if you so much as look at any of my people sideways. You’ve lost your rights. Losing your mind isn’t going to help you get them back.”

She was going to have to accept that she’d lost everything because of killing my mother. The reality didn’t seem to have set in yet. I waited for her to say something. She, as usual, sat in stony-faced silence.

“Tiny,” I said, making my tone far more upbeat than I felt. “Tell me more, please.”

“As you wish, Bitch Goddess Cecily,” he said, giving Pandora a cagey glance. “We have the assassins. Along with that, we have some of the fiercest fighters in the Darkness. Not to mention, the other camps hold healers, flyers and contortionists.”

I was done pretending I knew shit that I didn’t. I was forty and got past that years ago. Pandora could suck an egg if she thought my questions were dumb.

“Contortionists?” I asked.

“Yes, my Goddess,” Tiny said with a kind smile. I really liked this guy. He was sweet for a Demon. “Those who can move through small and inconvenient places when magic is forbidden. Many use this on the mortal plane to steal priceless jewels and art. It’s very handy.”

For a hot sec, I forgot I was talking to a Demon. But the pride I heard in his voice when he shared how Demons were shady bastards brought me right back to reality. “Interesting.”

“Quite,” he agreed. “So, as I was saying, I do believe that we would be sufficiently covered even without the Angel and the Succubus. Plus, the fruit that Abaddon stole will help expedite healing.”

I wrinkled my nose. “He stole it?” That was news to me.

Tiny gave me a double thumbs up and a grin. “He most certainly did! All the food sources in the Darkness now belong to the God and the God only.”

“Oh, great,” I said with a sigh of relief. If we were stealing from the Big Cock, I was cool with that. I grinned as I realized my morals were suffering. Whatever. I didn’t have time to do a soul search about my faltering standards. I’d mull that over another time.

“Cher, Fifi,” I said, looking over at two of my favorite people. “Are you up for going back, getting the toothpicks and coming back?”

“Of course, My Liege Bitch Goddess Cecily,” Fifi said, emptying her pockets of grenades. “I shall leave a few weapons for you to carry with you. It will give me peace of mind to know you are protected.”

A few in her mind had a different definition than mine. The crazy Succubus gifted me at least thirty grenades. Again, I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I adored Fifi and she adored me back. We just had different ways of showing it.

“Thank you,” I told her. “You are very generous, my friend.”

Cher dug around in her bottomless Prada bag so as not to be outdone by Fifi. When she came out with a vibrator, I groaned.

“Ain’t what it looks likes,” she said with a grin, observing my expression. “Might look like an electric banana, but it shoots poisonous darts. Can incapacitate even the most powerful Immortal for one minute. And the best part is that the enemy just thinks you lost your marbles pulling out a pocket peter. Little do they know they’re about to be out cold due to your nifty little snatch blaster.”

I was speechless. I called mine BOB—battery operated boyfriend. I’d never heard any of the terms Cher had just so casually dropped. And she wasn’t done…

“Yep,” she said, laying it on the table next to the grenades. “Buzz Nightgear is the way to go when you want to take the bad guy by surprise. No one think a chick stick is gonna knock them on their ass. The portable peepee is genius!”

I just nodded. No words would come.

“Oh!” she said with a wince as she slapped both of her hands over her lady bits. “Do not use it as a tool for sexual pleasure. Getting a poisonous dart all up in your cooter is not a good time.”

Fifi gasped. “You’ve done that?”

“Yeppers,” Cher said with a sad shake of her head. “By accident. Knocked myself out cold in the bathroom at the Grammys. Not one of my finest moments.”

Half of me wanted the rest of the story. The other half of me was horrified that I now had a f-ed up visual in my head of my agent on the bathroom floor at the Grammys with an electric cucumber in her hoo-hoo.

My friends were not boring. Crazy? Absolutely. Boring? Absolutely not.

I spared a quick glance at Tiny, who was as red as a tomato but laughing at the horror story Cher had just over-shared.

“Well, thank you… I guess,” I told the Angel with a pained laugh.

“Welcome,” Cher said, pulling out a six-pack of wine coolers and offering them around.

I passed. Fifi passed. Pandora passed. Tiny did not. I had a feeling he and Cher could be buddies.

“How will we find you when we come back?” Fifi asked, concerned.

“That’s a really good question,” I told her, unsure of the answer.

“For the love of everything stupid,” Pandora groused. “Seriously?”

I raised my hands to electrocute her. Her eyes grew round, and she sank back in her chair.

“Would you like to rephrase that using kinder words and a nicer tone?” I inquired.

“Are you going to electrocute me if I don’t?” she asked.

“I am.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. If you want the grenade loving freak and the batshit crazy Angel to be able to find you, exchange a few drops of blood with each. You’ll be able to track each other for forty-eight to seventy-two hours. That should be enough.”

“What about the time thing?” I asked, pulling a dagger from my belt.

“Won’t make a difference,” Pandora said. “It’s seventy-two hours no matter where you are and how much time has passed.”

I squinted at her.

“Don’t ask for an explanation that you can’t comprehend,” she snapped. “Just trust me that it will work.”

I dropped my hands to my sides. She’d saved herself… this time. “Thank you, Pandora.”

“I prefer it when you address me as Stinky Whore. Makes me feel less bad about calling you Bitch.”

“I can work with that, Stinky Whore,” I said as I pricked my pointer finger then handed the dagger to Fifi.

She pricked her finger, and Cher did as well. I quickly pressed my bleeding finger against both of my buddies’ wounds. The little zing that went through me as our blood exchanged tickled.

“You gals ready to go?” I asked, giving each a hug.

“Was born ready,” Cher said with a laugh.

“Ready and raring,” Fifi added.

The two Immortals joined hands, and in a blast of gold and shimmering white mist they disappeared. I hoped that I’d made the right decision. Only hindsight was 20/20. I’d just have to wait and see.

Abaddon stuck his head into the tent and looked around in confusion. I quickly explained the plan. He pondered it for a moment then nodded.

“I think we should gather the troops and leave,” he said. “The fruit worked fast. Everyone is at full capacity. No use being sitting ducks when we’re in top condition.”

“Tiny,” I said, standing up. “Please let the Demons know we’re out of here. It’s probably smarter to travel with this many people in the dark.”

“As you wish, Bitch Goddess Cecily.” He bowed before he quickly exited the tent.

Abaddon was staring at the table with a perplexed expression. “Is there a reason you have thirty grenades and a vibrator?” he asked, with a raised brow and a naughty twinkle in his eyes.

“Yes,” I replied with a laugh. “That electric banana, also known as a pocket peter, snatch blaster and the ever lovely portable peepee, is a gift from Cher. It’s actually a poisonous dart gun. It can knock even the strongest Immortal into unconsciousness for one minute.”

“You’re joking,” he said, leaning down and looking at it.

“Nope,” I told him. “Unless Cher was pulling my leg, we have a battery-operated cucumber weapon.”

Abaddon laughed. “Never a dull day with you, my love.”

“True that,” I replied. “I say we get moving.”

And we did. All one thousand and three of us ventured out into the night in search of more of our people. So far, so good. It just needed to stay that way.