Page 13 of Another Underworld (Good To The Last Demon #6)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I was glad we had ten assassins with us. It had only taken five when there were twenty guards. There were forty at this camp. Having ten assassins was a lucky happenstance. Double the guards, double the fun—Tiny’s words, not mine. As Pandora readied herself to march out and announce her comeback to the guards, the assassins spread out and silently climbed the trees closest to the entrance of the camp. The Demons weren’t normal assassins. They didn’t use guns with scopes. They used wicked-looking fire machetes, and their aim was superb. The weapon didn’t just impale itself in the enemy, it took the heads clean off our enemies’ bodies.

Abaddon, Tiny and I were the backup for the mission. If the assassins missed any of the guards in the first machete throw, we would move in and defend Pandora. It was clean, and if executed correctly, it would be over before it began. That was good with me. I had a feeling we’d need all the strength we had to deal with the death magic-happy Chub Chub Wang. And God forbid, Phyllis showed her ugly ass somewhere along the journey. That would wreck my freaking day.

The guards were in the trees. I’d mind spoken with my people. They were prepared to go to the back of the camp when Pandora showed herself. As expected, they were distrustful and furious about Pandora being part of the plan, but I was crystal clear it was either go with it or die. They chose to live. I promised to keep them safe with a ward. After going back and forth for a bit, they were satisfied. Of course, unbeknownst to Stinky Whore, I’d shared that Tiny was dating the Goddess. It was a bit of a stretch, considering they’d only agreed to one date and hadn’t gone on it yet, but it went a long way in pulling people slightly into her corner. Tiny was a revered Demon in the Darkness. If he liked Pandora… maybe she wasn’t all that bad.

“I shall accompany Goddess Pandora out into the open,” Tiny announced, holding a massive fire sword.

“Like hell you will,” Pandora snapped. “I am perfectly capable of pissing them off myself. I don’t need someone named Tiny to aid me.”

Tiny chuckled and continued to avoid eye contact as instructed by his dream gal. “Goddess Pandora, you have the uncanny ability to piss off a rock. Your talent for insults knows no bounds. The reason I shall accompany you is to show the bastards that you’re not alone. As they will not expect to see you walk out of this tree line, they would never expect that a Demon would be loyal to you. The extra seconds of confusion might be the difference between life and death. It will give our assassins a few more moments to zone in on the kill.”

She eyed him warily. “Are you sure that’s the only reason?” she demanded. “It’s not because you believe me to be a useless bitch.”

Tiny bowed to the Goddess. “Never useless. Always a bitch,” he said reverently.

With his eyes downcast, he missed the expression of childlike delight that passed over her features briefly, but I didn’t. The hope was coming out. She could barely mask it anymore. It was a stunning thing to witness. It would take a long time, possibly centuries, to get all of the Demons on the same page, but she had to start small.

So far, so good.

“Fine,” she snarled at Tiny. “You can bless yourself with my presence. Not many have that honor. If you get in my way, I will remove your legs. Are we clear?”

Stinky Whore’s flirting left a lot to be desired, but Tiny didn’t seem to mind. He was all in. I was beginning to think he was as insane as she was.

“Move,” I insisted. “If the guards spot the assassins, my people are toast.”

“As you wish, Bitch,” Pandora said as she yanked Tiny up from his prone position and pulled him out onto the field.

“That’s a fucking explosion waiting to detonate,” Abaddon commented as we watched them enter the fray.

“And then some,” I agreed with a laugh. “And I couldn’t be happier for them.”

The only thing I heard before forty Demons’ heads were lopped off was Pandora shouting, “Hello motherfuckers! I’m back.” I’d never seen that many Demons go down so fast. They’d barely had time to register that Goddess Pandora was standing in front of them before the assassins made them headless and dead. I made a mental note to ask the assassins if they would train me on the fire machetes. The deadly weapons were fast and efficient, and they’d saved us a whole heck of a lot of time.

Granted, popping evil Demons like blood-filled ticks got the job done as well, but it was loud and messy. It would be nice not to mess up my outfits. It was the little things…

“Victory,” Pandora shouted as I lifted the ward and freed our people. The statue of Chub Chub Wang came down immediately. My Demons tore the false God into slivers of rock and pulverized sand. Abaddon had taken over and doled out the food, clothing, water and fruit to the emaciated crew. The assassins assisted. Morale was low, but the essentials we’d brought them had helped lift their spirits.

Approaching my people, I smiled. They all bowed and shouted their gratitude.

“You will stay here and regain your strength,” I commanded. “When you feel ready, you may join the rest of us. We’re headed to the castle to defeat Chub Chub Wang.”

The look of perplexed confusion on the newly freed Demons made me close my eyes and pray to be sucked into the ground. It wasn’t the greatest first impression to leave on my people. Dick jokes were becoming my unintentional go-to. That had to stop. I didn’t want to be known as the Goddess with a pecker fetish. I wished I could rewrite the last scene, but that wasn’t happening. A little flop sweat dotted my upper lip. However, there was nowhere to go but up. I couldn’t go much lower.

“Sorry about that,” I said, cocking my head to the side in embarrassment. “It’s the nickname we gave the false God since his junk on the statue is rather misleading.”

The riotous laughter from the assembled group made the tension in my shoulders ease. Demons were naughty by nature. Dick jokes were no biggie. My relief was palpable. It was time to keep going.

My goal? Save Irma, Jonny, Moon, Stella and Corny while taking out Chub Chub Wang and keeping the rest of my people safe.

It was a tall order.

There was no room for error. The thought settled in my stomach like a lead brick. The world as we knew it was on the line. My plan was to go in alive and come out alive. However, I was willing to die for the greater cause.

I just hoped it didn’t come to that. I had a naked tropical vacation to go on, a wedding to plan and a TV show to star in.

Dying wasn’t on the agenda. Not today.

“Well, crap,” I muttered as I hid alongside Abaddon, Pandora, Tiny and the assassins behind an abandoned building a few thousand yards from the castle I wanted to burn to the ground. The castle was impressive and huge, but it left me cold. I was far more into something smaller and modern. I wasn’t sure how that would fly since Demons were all about tradition and grandeur, but I was the boss. They’d have to deal with it. “That’s a lot of security.”

“Underfuckingstatement,” Pandora said, mimicking one of Candy Vargo’s favorite words.

There had to be around eight hundred guards surrounding the castle. They were armed to the teeth and wore murderous expressions on their faces. The amount of purple fire swords pulled gave the castle an eerie lavender glow in the early twilight. It was ominous.

“Every single one of those bastards used to be loyal to me,” Pandora said, seething with anger. “A bunch of shit stains.”

I didn’t disagree, but we didn’t have time to discuss the merits, or lack thereof of her former followers. I closed my eyes and concentrated. “My people, it’s Bitch Goddess Cecily. Can you hear me?”

The connection was faint, but I heard the chorus of yesses. Chub Chub Wang had definitely put up some kind of magical block, but I could still communicate with my people at a distance from the castle. My guess was that once I was inside, all contact would be cut.

However, while it was still there, I planned to use it. “ Here’s the deal. Pandora and I are going in first. Abaddon, Tiny and the assassins will follow. I’m going to try to pop all the Demons, but eight hundred is a lot. As soon as the explosions begin, come out from hiding and get to work. Not one Demon who worships Chub Chub Wang is to be left alive. Roger that?”

The chuckles from the three thousand Demons at my use of the false God’s nickname made me smile. The laughs were followed by assent. We were ready to go.

“And what exactly are we going to do once inside the castle?” Pandora questioned with a raised brow.

I doubled down and raised both brows. “You have a plan, Stinky Whore?” I shot right back.

She grinned. I returned the favor.

“I do believe this will work best with one of your pull-it-out-of-the-ass plans,” she informed me.

“That’s my usual modus operandi,” I admitted. “But I have a problem.”

“Actually, you are the problem,” she pointed out rudely. “Which part would you like to deal with first?”

I wanted to tell her that she was my problem and then punctuate with a rousing electrocution, but that would be petty. Petty but funny. I decided to go for something less fiery like the actual problem at hand. “I don’t know the layout of the castle.”

“I do,” Abaddon said.

“Perfect,” I told him. “Pandora, do you?”

“Vaguely,” she admitted. “Haven’t been invited here in a few million years. Lilith and I weren’t on the best terms.”

“Underfuckingstatement, but it’s fine,” I said, more to assure myself than her. “We’ll figure it out as we go. Two goals once we’re inside—find Irma, Corny, Stella, Moon and Jonny and get them out. I suspect we’re going to have to use some of the toothpicks on them. Second, take Chub Chub Wang down by any means possible.”

“I can work with that,” she said. “Sounds like fun.”

Our ideas of fun were vastly different, but I was glad she was excited.

As we went to make our move, a blast of magic from behind us stopped us dead in our tracks.

“Well shit and Shinola,” Cher grunted as she and Fifi, loaded down with bags upon bags of glowing toothpicks, landed in a heap at our feet. “Transporting to the Darkness without a damn Demon sucks butt.”

“Word,” Fifi said, gingerly standing up and stretching her long limbs.

The Succubus held a grenade in each hand. She was nothing if not predictable. Cher was wielding a peach wine cooler in one hand and a bottle of valium clutched in the other. Again, typical.

“Oh my God,” I said, hugging my friends. “Are you gals okay?”

“Getting there,” Cher said, popping a few pills and chasing it with a wine cooler. She offered the pills around. Her generosity was declined. “Got the picks. Candy Vargo wanted to come, but that old gal still can’t stand up without falling down. That gutting really took it out of her.”

That was a sentence I never thought I’d hear.

“Dagon and Shiva?” I asked.

“Good but weak,” Fifi confirmed. “They weren’t unable to make the trip. Although, Dagon sent a message.”

I waited. Fifi didn’t disappoint.

“There are secret tunnels underneath the castle. They can be accessed by any mirror in the palace. Use them if you need them,” she said.

Abaddon was puzzled. “Secret tunnels? How do I not know about this?”

Fifi shrugged and handed him a grenade to make him feel better. “Don’t know. Dagon also said, there’s a concealed trap door beneath the throne room—six feet in front of the throne. It can also be accessed by the tunnels. You need to firebomb your way out of it to get to the throne room. He suspects the false God will be there. It’s the room with the most inherent magic and strategically placed in the center of the castle for safety from an attack.”

“Got it,” I said. “My people are surrounding the castle. Can you deliver the picks?”

“Can do. Will do,” Cher said. “Wanna give ‘em a heads up so they don’t lop our noggins off? We’re not exactly from around here.”

“On it.” The Darkness was a dictatorship with two in charge, but not listening to the ones you trusted could lead to disaster. I hoped Pandora was paying attention. “ Update people,” I said, hoping they could still hear me. “The Angel Cher and the Succubus Fifi will be circling out to find you. They have enchanted toothpicks that can counteract the death magic. You will take them and chew on them if you get hit. Am I clear?”

The muted sound of yeses was my answer.

“You’re good to go,” I told them.

“Sure no one wants a valium?” Cher asked. “Takes the edge off.”

“No. No one wants a valium, but thanks,” I told her, giving her and Fifi a little push.

It was time to roll the cameras and call action. The plot was unfolding before our eyes. I was ready to stick to the script but with the flexibility to improv if needed. No fake God was going to usurp Pandora and me. We were the two rightful rulers of the Darkness, and we were about to take back what was ours.