Page 25 of An Earl Most Inconvenient (Regency Mishaps #2)
CHAPTER 25
“ Y ou know what you must do,” Tristan murmured to himself as he stood outside the stable block, waiting for the young groom to saddle his horse.
He had been putting it off for days, making excuses to himself that he was tired following the house party and that he had business to catch up on, having been away from his desk for days on end while entertaining his guests.
But he knew that they were excuses, and that morning, when he rose from his bed and looked out at the gardens of his estate, still vibrant from the recent spring rains, and blooming in a riot of colors, he knew that he could procrastinate no longer. He had to go and visit Grace and settle things between them once and for all. It was not fair to leave it any longer, and in any case, if he delayed then there was a risk that another gentleman would propose to her, and she would accept.
He had not written ahead; he would surprise her, he thought. And if what Grace had said was true, then her father was likely to be at home too. He thought it unlikely that any of the family would have ventured out visiting, so soon after the house party. They all preferred to stay at home, or so Grace had said.
All of them. At that thought, his mind flew to Diana. He could not help it. He had tried not to think of her, and tried to forget everything that had happened between them, but even now, as the stable boy led out his horse and walked her to the mounting block, ready for Tristan to mount her, he felt a flutter in his heart at the thought of seeing Diana again.
But that flutter was mixed with a sense of trepidation, too. The weight of his thoughts pressed heavily on him as he made his way along the lanes from his estate, towards Grace and Diana’s home at Blackbrook Manor.
Part of him dreaded seeing Diana. He felt a sense of shame at how he had conducted himself, alongside a turmoil of emotions that he could not explain. He did not want to face her, but the thought of not seeing her filled his heart with despair at the same time.
And of course, he told himself, as he encouraged his horse into a trot, he would have to see her all the time when he and Grace were married. He felt sure that she would not act on her threat to go away, despite everything that she had said when they last met. Where would she even go, as a young woman on her own? The thought of it was preposterous. And surely her father would not allow it. It would not be at all proper for a young lady like Diana to venture out into the world alone, with no protection.
His thoughts returned to the moment when Diana had told him furiously that her father was not in the last bit interested in the details of his daughters’ life and that he had given her the authority to steer Grace through the marriage market. There had been a hint of resentment in her voice, along with a sense of pride. Perhaps she wished that there was someone to take care of her, he thought, despite that fierce impression that she gave of independence and not needing anyone else’s support or approval. She was a complex woman, and he had to admit that everything about her fascinated him.
He shook the thoughts away. Every time Diana popped into his mind, confusion followed.
And yet, the thought of marriage to Grace filled him with a sense of gnawing obligation. It was his duty to marry the right kind of woman, and he had accepted that long ago? But he thought that perhaps he should feel at least a little excited? It did not matter, though, he told himself. He had never intended to marry for love. It was merely an arrangement, like any other business deal. He should not feel any more emotional about this visit than he would feel if he were going to visit a business contact. He would propose to Grace, she would accept, and then they would be married and everything would progress as everyone expected it to.
He rode onwards, and before long he was at Blackbrook Manor. He handed his horse to a servant, to be taken to the stables to be looked after, then was shown in by the butler. Soon, he was pacing up and down the marble floor of the hallway, waiting to be shown into the drawing room.
When he entered, he saw Grace sitting by the window, sunlight framing her delicate features. Her expression was contemplative and he wondered what she was thinking about.
For a moment, he wished that he felt more for her, that he felt… he stopped himself before he could allow himself to entertain the thought any longer. It did not matter that he did not love her. All that mattered was that she would make a good countess and was a suitable match for him.
The room was almost a reflection of Grace herself—tastefully decorated, filled with light, and adorned with blooms from the garden. In any other circumstances, it would make him feel calm, but as Tristan stood there, waiting for her to greet him, he felt his heart pounding in his chest. He did not even understand why he was nervous, but he knew that he had to speak, to resolve things once and for all.
“Tristan,” she greeted him, her smile bright. “I was not expecting you today. How lovely to see you.” She was the epitome of politeness, he thought—the perfect lady. The perfect countess.
“Grace,” he replied, his voice low, betraying the inner turmoil he felt. “I apologize for my absence. I’ve been…preoccupied.”
“Preoccupied?” she echoed, tilting her head slightly. “You have not paid a visit in nearly a week. Have you really been so busy as all that?”
“I have been –” He stopped. He had been about to make the same excuses to her as he had been making to himself all week, but he decided not to. He would be honest, for once. “I am sorry that I did not come sooner,” he said simply. “But I felt that it was time, now, for us to speak more formally.”
She raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She simply fidgeted in her seat, waiting for him to speak. He hesitated, unsure how to proceed. He knew that he needed to do his duty, and propose to her, but the words caught in his throat and he could not force himself to speak them.
A few moments of awkward silence passed between them, then Tristan opened his mouth to say something.
But before he could speak, Grace interjected. “I am glad that you have come, Tristan. I think that it’s time for me to be honest with you, though. I do not wish to continue our courtship.”
The words struck him like a physical blow, and he blinked as he processed her declaration. “What do you mean?” he demanded, unable to mask the rising tide of irritation in his voice. “You do not wish to continue our courtship?”
“I do not love you, Tristan,” she said, her voice steady yet soft, as if she were delivering a delicate truth. “And I do not believe that you are in love with me, either. I believe it is best for both of us if we part ways now rather than prolong the inevitable. It would not be right for us to marry, not if we are not truly in love with one another.”
His heart sank, and anger began to bubble within him. “You do not love me? Why did you not say so sooner?” he paused and glared at her. “I thought – I believed that we understood one another.” He did not want to say to her that he had never intended for their marriage to be a love match. He thought that she had realized that already, and was just as open to a business-like match as he was. But clearly, he had been wrong about this, and perhaps a good many other things too.
Grace’s eyes widened, surprised by his sudden agitation. “I thought you understood, Tristan. I did not wish to hurt you.”
“Then you should have made it clear!” he snapped, the edge in his tone startling even himself. “I have been here, suffering, and you?—”
Grace stifled a laugh. “I do not believe that you have been suffering, Tristan! I do not think that you love me either, not really. Not in the way that I wish to be loved, by the man I am going to marry.”
“You cannot mean it,” Tristan said. His pride was wounded by her words, even though his own feelings were by no means straightforward. Surely a young lady like her would jump at the chance of marrying him? The situation made no sense to him at all. It was not what he expected, and he was not sure how to proceed.
“I do mean it, Tristan,” she said, her voice steady despite the tremor in her hands as she sat opposite him. “I care for you deeply, but it’s not the kind of love that leads to marriage, or at least not the kind of marriage that I wish for, for myself. I am resolved; I do not wish to continue our courtship.”
“And you are sure that you will not change your mind?” he said. What she had just said had unraveled every element of his plans and he did not know quite what to do next. He would not beg her, though, no matter what.
“I will not change my mind,” Grace said simply.
“I think that you do not know what you are saying, Grace,” Tristan replied, feeling his irritation rising again. “I thought that this was what you wanted? You have led me on, and made me look a fool. Everyone is expecting us to get married now! What will we say to people?”
Grace shook her head. “I do not think anyone will care all that much,” she said. “We are not engaged. It is not a formal arrangement. There will be no scandal. People may talk of it for a few days, but soon, something else will happen to interest them. We are not as fascinating to other people as you may think we are.”
“I do not think I am fascinating at all!” Tristan exclaimed. “But I do not want to be the butt of people’s jokes!” He could not understand why he was feeling so agitated. In his heart, he knew that he had not really wanted to marry Grace, but her rejection of him stung all the same, and now all his plans for the future were unclear.
“You seem upset, Tristan. I am sorry for it,” Grace said softly. “I did not mean to hurt you. I did not think you would mind all that much, in all honesty.”
“And what of Diana? Where is she?” The question spilt out before he could temper it, or before he could consider why he was really asking it. Did he want to see her? He did not even know, in that moment, if he could bear to face her after everything that had happened.
“Diana?” Grace’s expression shifted, unease creeping into her features. “She has left.”
“Left?” The word fell from his lips like a stone. “Where has she gone?”
“She is staying at one of our father’s other estates,” Grace replied.
“Which one?” Tristan demanded. His heart was racing again now. Something in him felt that he must know where Diana was, that something awful would happen if he did not. A sense of foreboding took him over as he waited for Grace’s response.
“I do not know,” Grace replied.
He looked at her suspiciously. “I do not believe you,” he said. “She would not have gone away without telling you where she was going.”
“Why are you so interested in where she is?” Grace asked defensively.
“That is not the point!” Tristan said, feeling his voice rising again as his emotions took over. “You know where she is, I can tell. You are lying to me!”
“Even if I did know where she was, I would not tell you, not when you are in this state,” Grace said. Her voice was firm and even, but Tristan could see in her eyes that she was worried, alarmed almost. He did not want to frighten her, but his chest was tight with panic, suddenly, at the thought of Diana and the sense of not knowing where she was.
“Not in this state?” he repeated, incredulous. “You think I care about decorum when Diana has vanished? I demand to know where she is!”
For the first time, he saw the flash of indignation in Grace’s eyes, her composure cracking under the weight of his anger. “You are being rude, Tristan. I expected more from you, as a gentleman if nothing else. You may think that I am meek and stupid, but I will not tolerate this behavior.”
“Rude?” he scoffed, taking a step closer, desperation clawing at him. “I am simply seeking answers. Nothing makes sense to me.”
“You speak as if I owe you some sort of explanation. You do not know the depths of my feelings. I cannot force my heart to feel what it does not,” Grace declared. There was dignity in her voice now, and it made Tristan stop and think for a moment.
The anger fizzled out, replaced by a dawning realization. He had never seen Grace so resolute, nor had he ever imagined her capable of such strength. “I apologize,” he said, his voice softening. “I did not mean to react so harshly. It is just…difficult for me to accept, when I had hoped that we would be married, and all my plans would come good.”
She regarded him with an intensity that made his heart contract painfully in his chest. “You must understand, Tristan. I care for you deeply, but it is not in the way that leads to love. We both deserve better. And perhaps you should have thought of all this before pursuing someone you do not love,” she said sharply, her voice rising again, each word cutting through the air like a finely honed blade. “I do not know why you are so determined to find Diana, but you will not find out her whereabouts from me.”
Tristan felt a wave of shame wash over him. He stepped back from her, and the anger that he had been feeling began to ebb away, leaving a hollow ache in his chest that felt as if it might consume him whole.
“I did not mean to lash out at you.” His voice was quieter now, almost a whisper, as he struggled to find the right words. The truth of it, though, was that he could not bear the thought of Diana being gone. The idea of her absence from his life created a chasm that he knew he could not navigate. But of course he could not tell Grace that. If he did, he would expose his vulnerability, and lay bare his soul in a way that terrified him. He stared at her, unsure what to do next, his mind racing with unspoken thoughts.
“Grace,” he began, but the words faltered, tangled in the net of his emotions. What could he say that would express the turmoil within him? The silence stretched between them, heavy and suffocating.
“I wish you well, Tristan,” she said, her voice softening, though her gaze did not meet his. She turned her eyes away, as if unwilling to even look at his face. It was clear to him in that moment that there was nothing more to say, and that he must walk away from this situation.
His heart was heavy as he turned to leave the room. The weight of Grace’s words settled heavily on his shoulders, like a shroud. The door clicked shut behind him, and he stepped into the cool evening air, confusion taking over his mind. The tranquil world around him contrasted starkly with the turmoil roiling inside. The garden, which could have been such a sanctuary of peace, felt alien and unwelcoming.
As he walked through the gardens, he felt utterly lost. The vibrant blooms, once a source of comfort and beauty, now seemed to mock his despair. Their colors were too bright against the backdrop of his muted emotions. He brushed past the flowers, their intoxicating scents now cloying.
He reached the edge of the estate and paused, looking out over the rolling hills that stretched toward the horizon. The sun dipped lower, casting the landscape in hues of gold and crimson. It was a breathtaking sight, but it did little to soothe his soul. The world was beautiful, yet he felt as if he were trapped in a storm, unable to escape the tempest within. He must go back to the stables, he thought, and find his horse, then go home. But he did not know what to do after that, where to turn or how to find peace.
The thought of Grace’s rejection loomed large in his mind, a shadow that darkened his thoughts and tightened his chest. The weight of his obligations pressed heavily upon him, suffocating him with their relentless demands. He needed direction, a plan, but his mind felt clouded, obscured by confusion and regret. Perhaps the ride home would help to bring him some focus, he thought, as he mounted his horse with mechanical precision, the familiar saddle feeling both comforting and foreign beneath him.
But as he cantered along the track towards home, the rhythmic sound of hooves striking the earth did little to clear the chaos swirling in his mind. Each stride seemed to echo his uncertainty, reverberating through the quiet landscape. Should he seek out Diana, and confront her about her sudden departure, or should he try to forget her entirely, to erase her from his thoughts along with Grace, and move forward with his life?
The questions tormented him, each one more pressing than the last, and he felt as if he were teetering on the edge of a precipice, unsure of which way to leap. The wind whipped through his hair, and for a brief moment, he found some solace in the thrill of the ride, allowing the speed to mask his turmoil. Yet, even as he pushed his horse faster, the clarity he sought remained elusive, like a mirage fading before him, even as he seemed to come closer.
With every passing moment, he felt the weight of his indecision bearing down upon him. He pictured Diana’s face, her laughter like music in his ears, and the thought of her left an ache deep within him. Could he truly let her go? The thought of seeking her out and confronting the truth filled him with dread, yet the idea of remaining in limbo felt equally unbearable.
As the path wound through the trees, the shadows lengthened and deepened, mirroring the darkness of his thoughts. Each rustle of leaves seemed to whisper doubts, and he clenched the reins tighter, desperate for some semblance of control. He needed to make a choice - one that would shape the course of his life, one that would either lead him to happiness or further entangle him in heartache.
Finally, he reached a clearing, the moonlight spilling down like silver over the landscape. He dismounted and took a moment to breathe, the cool night air filling his lungs as he wrestled with the enormity of the decisions before him.
Perhaps it was time to confront his feelings, and to make a decision. But as he stood beneath the vastness of the night sky, with stars twinkling like distant promises, he did not know if he was ready, truly, to ride into the unknown.