Page 20 of An Earl Most Inconvenient (Regency Mishaps #2)

CHAPTER 20

“ I t is no use,” Tristan muttered to himself. He threw the covers back haphazardly and climbed out of bed, then padded across the room towards the window, which was open a little, letting the cool night air flow into the room. He pushed the drapes back and looked out into the night. The moon hung high in the sky, casting a silvery glow over the gardens beyond. All was still and peaceful, but the turmoil in Tristan’s mind would not cease. He had tossed and turned for hours in his bed, unable to find solace in sleep, as the events of the day replayed in his mind like a relentless tide. He could not free his mind from the remembrance of Diana’s hurt expression, and the memory of the heated words they had exchanged. He wished that he could take back some of the words that he had spoken, but he knew the reality of the situation; what they had said could never be unsaid.

And now, as he looked out into the darkness, his thoughts swirled about in his mind like a whirlpool. How could he have been so rude to her? He felt a pang of guilt so intense that it twisted in his gut, causing him a physical pain as he stood there by the window. It was not Diana’s fault that he had allowed his emotions to get the better of him. He should have risen above it, and behaved in a more gentleman-like manner, but instead, he had let his feelings overcome him. And now, he had no idea what to do to make it right.

He ran a hand through his hair, turning things over again and again in his mind. Why had he been so disturbed, so jealous? He knew that he had lashed out at her and that it had been unfair. She was not the cause of his turmoil, was she? She was simply chatting to another gentleman at a party, just as she had said, and he had over-reacted, and now he would never be able to recover her good opinion of him, if in fact she had ever held such an opinion in the first place.

It was simply that he wanted her approval, he told himself. That was all there was to it. She was to be his sister-in-law, and her view of him mattered. He could not deny that fact. He was going to marry Grace; that was also a fact. And if Diana did dislike him, then life would be very difficult for everyone involved.

That was the truth of it, he told himself. That was why he couldn’t sleep. He was simply worried about her disapproval, and he needed to do something about it. But what?

Nevertheless, there was doubt nagging at him as he paced up and down in his room, and he still felt unable to settle himself to sleep. He resolved to go for a walk in the gardens; perhaps the coolness of the evening air would calm him down enough that he might finally be able to drop off to sleep. He craved oblivion more than anything, but his mind would not allow him any release. He dressed quietly, careful not to disturb anyone, and slipped out of the manor into the cool night air. The scent of blooming jasmine filled his senses, and he took a deep breath, hoping it would wash away the turmoil within him.

Diana pulled her shawl around her shoulders as she stepped outside. Her heart was racing. She knew that she should not be outside alone, but her room had felt oppressive as she lay in bed trying to sleep. Any kind of peace had evaded her, though, and she had stolen outside, as quietly as she could, to try to calm herself down.

Even as she walked, though, thoughts of Tristan continued to haunt her. She could not understand why he had spoken to her the way he had. She had done nothing wrong, after all. She had listened to Grace’s wishes and tried to be nicer to Tristan. She had tried to cast her doubts about him aside, and she had given them space to spend time together, which was what she’d thought they both wanted. She had put her own feelings aside, and tried to trust her sister’s judgement when it came to the earl, even though she remained concerned about his character and his intentions.

But even that was not enough for Tristan. None of it had been enough for him. She had felt attacked by him as they had stood together in the garden earlier that day, and yet, all she really wanted was to understand his behavior. She told herself that all she wanted to know was the truth of his intentions towards her sister. But she knew in the depths of her heart that there was more to it than that, even though she did not want to admit it to herself.

She let out a sigh as she continued along the path towards the maze. She had come outside to try to clear her head, and her mind still spiraled around, with Tristan dominating every thought. She would have to find a way to get some sleep, she thought. And tomorrow she would speak to Grace and try to find out how things stood between her and the earl. If they really were to be married, then Diana would have to find a way to deal with the turmoil of her own feelings. Perhaps she would have to go away, she thought. Maybe now was the time to realize all those dreams of travel that she had harbored in her heart for so long. It would be difficult to travel on her own as a woman, but perhaps it was time, now, to try to break free. Because she felt sure that she could not spend much longer in Tristan’s company. They seemed to drive each other to distraction, no matter what happened, and she knew that things could not carry on as they were.

She found herself drawn towards the maze, the place where she and Tristan had shared those forbidden moments during the treasure hunt. She knew, as she came closer to the tall hedgerows, that being here would not help at all. It would only make things worse. But she could not help herself. Just as she turned the corner, though, she came to an abrupt halt. Standing just outside the entrance to the maze, his silhouette illuminated by the moonlight, was Tristan. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, his brow furrowed. The tension in his posture mirrored her own. Perhaps he was just as distressed as she was? She wondered what it could mean.

“Tristan,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she noticed him. “I did not expect to see you here.”

He turned to face her. “Nor I you,” he replied. “I was having trouble sleeping.” He glanced up at the hedges of the maze. “I used to play here as a child,” he went on. “I thought that perhaps being here would bring me peace, but alas, it has not worked.”

“You are troubled, My Lord?” Diana ventured.

“I cannot escape from the weight of my thoughts,” he said, the words falling heavily from his mouth.

Diana stared at him, unsure what to say. She felt a sense of pity for him, as he was clearly distressed, but when she remembered the way he had spoken to her when they last met, the anger began to bubble within her again. She bit her lip, though, trying to decide what to do. She should go back inside, she knew. It was not at all proper to be out here alone with him. If someone saw them, they would never be able to explain themselves and how they came to be out here alone together in the dark. And yet, something stopped her from walking away. It was as if he held some kind of magnetic power over her that prevented her from leaving, even when she knew that she should.

“You could not sleep either?” he ventured, his voice sounding far away in the darkness.

“I, too, have been having trouble with lingering thoughts,” she admitted, stepping closer. “I cannot seem to shake our earlier conversation.” She knew there was a risk in mentioning it, but she could not hold back. There was so much unsaid between them, and she could not let it go, no matter how hard she tried.

Tristan glanced at her and she felt a tightening in her chest as she saw the look in his eyes.

“I—” he began, but she interrupted him.

“You were rude to me, Tristan,” she said, her tone firm. She could tell, though, that her hurt was bursting through and was clear in her voice. He could be in no doubt of her distress, but she realized that she did not care. Perhaps it was time that he realized the impact of his behavior, after all. “If you want to marry Grace, and you want my approval, then you should watch how you speak to me.” She stared at him, waiting for his response.

“I do not need your approval for anything,” he shot back, turning around to face her fully, with his chest puffed out. There was a hint of anger in his eyes as he spoke. “I have been speaking with your father, and although we have not reached a formal agreement yet regarding your sister, I feel sure that he likes me well enough.” He stopped and stared at her for a moment, a challenge in his eyes. “So your opinion does not matter quite so much as you think it does,” he finished.

She felt the indignation rising up within her. “Is that so?” she demanded. “You think that just because you have spoken to my father, that it does not matter what I think? How little you know about how things work in our family. My father does not care for the details; he leaves everything to me.” She paused, holding his gaze. “You can be sure that if I told him to forbid the match, then he would do as I say. So you are sorely mistaken if you think that my approval is irrelevant.”

They stood facing one another, the tension crackling in the air like an impending summer storm. “You were rude to me first,” he insisted, taking a step closer.

She could feel the heat radiating from him as he leaned towards her. She swallowed. Now was not the time to let her own feelings take over. She had to think of Grace, she told herself. Her own thoughts did not matter.

But her feelings took over, and she could not hold back. “I still do not understand it,” she said. “I was not rude to you at all. What I really want to know is whether you were bothered by my presence, or Lord Anthony’s?”

“Both,” he replied, his voice low and intense.

“But Lord Anthony has done nothing to offend you,” she insisted. “Or is it simply that he took my attention away from you, and you want everyone to be focused on you all the time, no matter what?”

“You are cruel to me, Diana!” Tristan said, his voice breaking.

She stared at him. “I do not know what you want.”

Was he really jealous? Diana told herself that she could not even allow herself to imagine such a thing. He had simply been toying with her, she told herself. When they were in the maze together, during the treasure hunt, it had just been another one of his games. It had all meant nothing. He had spoken to her father about Grace; that was still his plan. He may not have proposed yet, but he was going to marry her sister. She would be his sister-in-law, and that was all. None of this mattered, not really, and she was letting herself get upset and distraught over nothing.

Perhaps she should refuse to give her permission, she thought, as she stared at him. But what if it was what Grace really wanted? She let out a ragged sigh. She had no idea what to do, what to think, what to say. They stood there in the moonlight, staring at each other, the silence between them thick with tension.

She had never seen him looking so serious before, though. Surely he must be struggling with his own feelings, too? All his bravado had faded away, and all that was left on his face was confusion and doubt.

“Diana, I do not know what I want either,” he said softly.

Her temper flared again. “If that is the case, then you must stop toying with my sister.”

“I am not toying with her!” he protested.

“You are!” she insisted. “You have not had a serious conversation with her yet, in all the time that we have been here. If you had wanted to make your intentions clear, then you have had plenty of opportunities. And yet you have said nothing. What am I to think? What is Grace to think?”

His jaw clenched as he looked at her. “Is that all you can think about? Grace?”

“Of course she is all I think about,” Diana retorted. “She is my sister, and it is my duty to steer her towards a good marriage.”

Tristan rolled his eyes. “All you talk of is her and her prospects. What about you? Are you waiting for Lord Anthony to speak?”

She felt another surge of fury. “I do not care about Lord Anthony! Why do you keep on talking about him?”

He gave a sharp laugh, a rather bitter sound. “I cannot bear to see you with him, that is all.”

“I do not understand you at all,” she said. As she waited for his response, she thought for a moment of Lord Anthony, who seemed to infuriate Tristan so much. He was perfectly pleasant, but she did not for a moment think that he would propose to her. It was a ridiculous notion; they scarcely knew each other. And yet, Tristan seemed almost obsessed by it. Why did he care so much, when it was Grace he was going to marry? Nothing made sense. She felt as if she was going mad.

“I just cannot stand it when he looks at you like that,” Tristan said, his voice low. He gazed into her eyes, then looked away.

She stared at him. “Are you really jealous?”

His eyes were fixed on the ground in front of him and he said nothing.

“Admit it, if that is how you feel?”

He jerked his head up, his eyes blazing. “I have never been jealous of anything in my life!”

“And yet now you behave as if you are,” she retorted. She could not understand him at all. Everything he said made her feel even more confused.

“It is all because of you,” he murmured.

“You are talking nonsense, as usual,” she said dismissively. “You behave like this towards me, and then you say that you will marry my sister. But I see nothing genuine in your behavior towards my sister. She deserves better than what you are offering, if in fact you are offering her anything at all.”

“Of course I have something to offer her,” Tristan bit back. “I am an earl! I am everything she has ever dreamed of!”

“Not if you do not love her!” Diana replied, her voice rising as she spoke. “And I do not think that you do!”

“How can I love her, when all I can think about is you?” He stepped closer to her. “I cannot bear to see you so unhappy, Diana. You frown at me as if you hate me, and it breaks my heart to see it.”

“Your heart? What on earth have I to do with your heart?” she replied, incredulous. He was dangerously close to her now, and she felt an urge to run, but the look in his eyes held her captive, and she felt as if she could not escape.

“It is all because of you, Diana, do you not see it?” he said feverishly. “You are all I think of! You have taken over my mind, and my heart, and I cannot be free of you, no matter how hard I try! It is maddening. You will drive me mad, I am sure of it. I feel like I have lost myself entirely, because of how I feel about you, how much I think about you.”

Diana’s heart skipped a beat at his confession, her breath catching in her throat. “What do you mean?” she asked, her voice trembling slightly.

He stepped closer. “I am drawn to you, Diana, in a way that I cannot resist. You occupy my thoughts, day and night. I am consumed by the way you laugh, the way you smile. I cannot think of anything else.”

Before she fully realized what was happening, he reached for her, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards him. His other hand encircled her waist, and before she knew it, they were close together, closer than she had ever been to any man before. His eyes held hers, and he pressed his lips against hers in a fervent kiss. Her heart was pounding as she felt his mouth pressing against hers, the heat of his lips burning on hers, their bodies pressed close together. It was a collision of emotions - frustration, desire, and the undeniable connection they shared. The world around them faded away, leaving only the two of them in that moment.

But just as quickly as it began, he pulled back, eyes wide with shock at his own impulsiveness. “I - I’m sorry,” he stammered, stepping away. “I should not have- ”

“Tristan,” she breathed, her cheeks flushed, her eyes searching his face for understanding. “What was that?”

“I do not know,” he admitted, running a hand through his hair in frustration. He seemed almost horrified by what had happened, just a few seconds ago. “I should not have let my emotions take over. I need to go. We should not be out here alone.”

Before she could respond, he turned and hurried back toward the house. She stood, reeling, watching him go. Her heart was racing, and her mind was a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts. He had crossed a line, and there was no going back now. What had happened between them could never be undone.