Page 24 of An Earl Most Inconvenient (Regency Mishaps #2)
CHAPTER 24
D iana sat at the dressing table in her room, looking into the mirror at her drawn and tired face.
She had not slept at all the previous night. And even though she could hear the birds singing outside, and the chatter of the guests enjoying their morning coffee on the terrace, the beauty of the morning was lost on her. Her heart was in turmoil, as the events of the previous evening played over and over again in her mind.
She could scarcely believe that she had confessed her love to Tristan. He must think her utterly ridiculous. She felt tears brimming in her eyes at the thought of it all, but she wiped them away furiously and got to her feet. She would have to go down to breakfast, she told herself. Her absence would be too conspicuous if she did not, but she prayed that she would not have to face Tristan. They were leaving this morning, and she knew that they would not be able to go without saying goodbye to their host, but she wanted their parting to be formal and proper, with no space for any further discussion about anything beyond the merest pleasantries. She did not think she could bear it. She only wanted to leave this place behind, and forget everything that had happened here.
As the family gathered for breakfast, Diana could sense a palpable tension filling the air. Her father, oblivious to the emotional storm that was brewing within the heart of at least one of his daughters, chatted amiably to the other gentleman present about the success of the house party, while Grace sat across from Diana, her expression unreadable. The weight of unspoken words hung heavily in the space between them. Diana knew that they would have to speak soon about what would happen next, but not now. Not until they had left.
After the meal, the guests began to depart. Tristan stood in the hallway, bidding them all farewell as their possessions were loaded into their carriages. When Jerome and his daughters took their leave, Tristan smiled rather blandly at them all. He did not meet Diana’s eye, but he took Lady Grace’s hand and kissed it, then looked up at her. “I will write to you,” Diana heard him say. She forced herself to look away, to ignore what was going on in front of her very eyes. The pain was almost too much to bear, and she climbed into the carriage without allowing herself to look back.
They trundled off down the driveway and onto the road, and Diana felt a surge of relief overcoming her. It was over at last. And now they could get back to normal. At least, until Grace’s wedding. She realized, then, that there would be nothing normal about the next few weeks or months, in the lead up to the wedding. She would have to see Tristan all the time, as he and Grace spent more time together and planned their wedding. She took a breath and leaned back in her seat. She could bear it, she told herself. She would have to. She had no choice.
A little while later, their father had fallen asleep and was snoring softly in his seat. Diana turned to Grace, who she thought looked rather tired and pale.
“When are you and Lord Silvermere planning to make the announcement?” she asked, feeling a hint of trepidation as she did so. She was not sure that she wanted to know the answer, but the uncertainty was weighing on her mind and it was almost more than she could bear.
Grace looked up, her brow furrowed with confusion. “What announcement?”
“About your engagement, and the date of your wedding.” Diana paused, her heart pounding. “Because I need to tell you that I’ve made a decision. I will be leaving after your wedding.”
Grace’s eyes widened in shock, and she shook her head slowly. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that as soon as you and Tristan are married, I will leave. Of course, I will not miss your wedding, but once you are his wife, I will go out into the world on my own. It is time, you know, that I did something decisive.”
Grace stared at her. “But where will you go, and what will you do?”
“I do not know yet, and it surely will not matter to you, as you will be settling into your new life. You will not miss me at all, I am sure of it.”
“Diana, I – ” Grace bit her lip and stared at Diana.
“What?” Diana said.
“There won’t be a wedding, Diana.”
“What do you mean there won’t be a wedding?” Diana asked, a sense of confusion taking over. “You and Tristan are perfect for one another. I thought that you had reached an agreement?”
“No, there is no agreement,” Grace said firmly. “We are not engaged. We are not right for each other at all.”
“Are you sure?” Diana said, incredulous. After everything that had happened, this was the last thing she was expecting.
“I am not in love with him,” Grace continued. “And at first I tried to convince myself that I was, but I can’t continue this charade any longer. And I won’t marry someone who I don’t love. I am sure that you would not want me to do that.”
Diana felt a rush of relief washing over her, mingled with concern for her sister. “Grace, I?—”
“I’m so sorry for causing all this trouble,” Grace interrupted, her voice trembling. “I was simply being stubborn, trying to prove to you that you were wrong about Tristan. I thought if I just tried hard enough, I could feel something for him. But I don’t.”
“What is it that you don’t like about him?” Diana asked, her curiosity piqued. She realized that she found it hard to imagine how any woman alive could not feel the way that she did about Tristan, but clearly her sister saw things differently.
Grace took a deep breath, her expression thoughtful. “He doesn’t pay enough attention to me sometimes. There are moments when I feel like I’m not even there, like he’s only thinking of himself. He never asks about my interests, what I like or dislike. Whenever I have tried to have a serious conversation with him, he just makes jokes and tries to flatter me, but I can tell that it is not real.”
Diana frowned, recalling her own experiences with Tristan. She realized that he had never been like that with her. He had often asked about her interests, her childhood, her dreams of travel. Whenever she was with him, she had always felt as if he was giving her his full attention, even when they were arguing. In fact, as the carriage took them further and further away from him, she realized that she missed him, even the bickering and the arguments.
But she could not say any of this to Grace.
“I want to marry a man who sees me for who I really am, who truly loves me,” Grace continued. “And I know that might seem silly and romantic, but I hope that you understand it.”
Diana nodded. “Of course I do. And I do not want you to marry him, not if you are sure that you really don’t want to. That is the last thing that I would want for you.”
Grace smiled a little awkwardly. “I did try, just to annoy you. But I could not keep it up, and I am sure that he feels the same, too. We did not speak of anything official between us, Diana, so please do not worry. There will not be the scandal of a broken engagement.”
“I would not care if there was!” Diana insisted. “The most important thing is that you are happy, and if you do not believe that you would be happy with him, then of course, you should not marry him.”
Grace let out a sigh of relief. “I am so pleased that you are not angry with me,” she said. “I have been so worried about telling you. I feel like I have cause so much trouble already.”
Diana reached across the table, taking her sister’s hand in hers. “You deserve to be happy, Grace. That is all I have ever wanted for you.”
They sat quietly for a while, as the wheels of the carriage turned beneath them, taking them ever closer to home.
After a while, Grace broke the silence. “So you will not go away?” she said softly.
Diana sighed. She knew, in her heart, that she could never tell Grace what had happened between herself and Tristan. She could never explain it. But she knew that he would never marry her, either, even if he was not going to marry Grace. He seemed as if he did not know what he wanted, and she was not going to risk her heart by waiting for him to decide.
“Grace, I don’t think you understand,” she said gently. She knew that her sister would find what she was about to say hard to hear. “I need to go anyway. I need to focus on myself for a while. I am not sure yet where I am going to go, or when, but I need to leave.”
“Leave? But how will Father handle everything?” Grace asked, her eyes wide. “You help him with so much. He needs you!”
“I know,” Diana replied, her voice steady. “But he will manage, and perhaps you will help him. You will find another decent man who will be your husband, soon enough, and perhaps he can help with the estate too. I need to step away for a while. I cannot continue to be a part of this situation. I must take care of myself for once. I have to find my own path.”
Grace shook her head, clearly struggling to understand. “But you’ve always been there for him. What will he do without you? What will I do without you?”
“I don’t know,” Diana admitted, her heart aching at the thought. “But I am sure that everything will work out in the end. I need to do this, for myself. If I stay, I risk losing myself completely, and I cannot allow that to happen.”
Silence hung between them, heavy and charged. Grace’s expression softened, as she finally began to realize that Diana was serious. “You really mean it, don’t you?” she said quietly. “You’re going to leave.”
“Yes,” Diana confirmed, her voice firm. “I have thought long and hard about this. I need to find my own happiness, even if it means stepping away from everything I know.”
Tears welled in Grace’s eyes, and she squeezed Diana’s hand tightly. “I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispered, her voice breaking.
Diana smiled gently, trying to comfort her sister. “I will miss you too. But this is what I must do. I hope you can understand.”
“I do,” Grace said, wiping away her tears. “And I’m sorry for everything that happened. I’ll always be grateful for how much you’ve supported me. I just want you to be happy.”
Diana nodded, grateful for her sister’s understanding. “And you deserve that same happiness. Please promise me you’ll keep looking for someone who truly appreciates you.”
“I promise,” Grace said, a small smile breaking through her sadness. “I’ll find someone who sees me for who I am, and loves me for who I am. But I wish that you would stay, to help guide me through the decision.”
Diana smiled. “You do not need my help, Grace. You have proved that this week.”
Grace nodded. “Perhaps I have,” she replied.
Diana felt her heart lurching in her chest as she thought of Tristan once more. It hurt to be leaving him behind – not just in the physical sense, but emotionally too. But she had to forget about him, and any foolish fantasies that she might have imagined when it came to their connection. All that was over now, and she had to move forward and learn to live life on her own terms, without him. She forced herself to sit up a little straighter, as she thought of the road ahead. She wished, though, silently to herself, that it did not have to be like this.