Page 9

CHAPTER NINE

JADE

A couple hours ago I woke up to go to the bathroom. The toilet paper roll was empty so I reached in the cabinet to get a new one and saw a box of tampons sitting there. And that’s when I realized I never got my period. I should’ve had it last week but it never came. I totally forgot about it. Everything was so crazy with William coming here and then I was stressing out about Walt showing up again and I had a paper due and a big exam for my chem class. Then Garret and I were out of town, so the week just went by and I didn’t realize I was late.

After I saw those tampons, I raced into the kitchen and got the calendar we keep next to the fridge and a red marker from the drawer. I took them back to the bathroom and counted back to my last period. I counted again and again, hoping I’d counted wrong. But I hadn’t. My period should’ve been last Tuesday. It’s almost a week late and I’m never late.

I circled the date and just stared at it, wondering how this could’ve happened. And then wondering how I’d tell Garret. He trusts me to take care of this stuff. The not-getting-pregnant part of our relationship. I know he wants kids, but I also know he doesn’t want them right now, while we’re still in college. I don’t want that either. That’s why I should’ve been more careful. I was supposed to take care of this and I messed up.

When he found me in the bathroom, I wasn’t ready to tell him. I couldn’t say the words. And I didn’t, until he forced me to. After I told him, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He didn’t really say much, other than to tell me that maybe I wasn’t pregnant. Maybe I was just late. His reaction just confirmed he doesn’t want this. It’s not the right time. We’re too young. We’re still in school.

Now he’s lying beside me, not saying anything. I wonder what he’s thinking. How he feels about this. As for me, my emotions are all over the place; a continuous cycle of anger, disappointment, sadness, shame, and guilt.

The anger and disappointment are aimed at myself for causing the situation I was put in charge to prevent.

I’m sad because my life may soon completely change and I don’t want it to. Growing up, I had to take care of my mom like she was a child and I was the mom. But now, I don’t have to take care of anyone and I like not having all that responsibility. I love my life being just Garret and me and I don’t want a baby coming in and changing everything. And that’s what causes me to feel the shame and the guilt. Because it’s not this baby’s fault I screwed up. It’s my fault and I have to accept that and get over it and be the best mom I can be. I just don’t know how. I can’t do it. I know I can’t. I’m too messed up right now. I have too many issues I need to deal with before I can even think about being a mom.

As much as I’ve tried to get rid of her, my mom is still in my head. Not all the time, but enough that I know I’m not over my past. Which means there’s no way I can be a mom. Not now. What if I did something bad? What if I hurt the baby? I’ve had nightmares about it. I had nightmares where the baby was crying and it was so loud and it wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t take it so I turned into my mom and starting screaming and throwing things at the crib.

“Jade?” Garret’s rubbing my back as I cling to his chest.

I’m panicking now. Completely panicking as I think about being a mom.

“I can’t do this, Garret.”

“Do what?”

“I can’t have a baby.”

He’s quiet, then says, “Well, if you’re pregnant, then you’re having one.”

“I can’t. I can’t do it.”

“What are you saying?”

“I just can’t do it.”

“What the hell does that mean?” He raises his voice and moves back, forcing me off him. “We’re not getting rid of it!”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’ll have it, but I can’t be a mom.”

“What? You’re not even making sense.”

“I can’t ruin someone else’s life the way my life was ruined. I won’t do it. I’ll leave the baby with you and then—I’ll go away.” Just the thought of that makes tears well up in my eyes, but I don’t have another solution.

“That’s crazy! You’re not leaving me! And you’re not leaving our baby. Why the fuck would you even say something like that?”

“I can’t be around a baby. I don’t trust myself. I’ll get mad and I’ll turn into her.” Tears pour from my eyes as my mind replays the images from my nightmares. “I won’t be able to stop.”

“Jade.” Garret sits up and pulls me into his arms. “Your mom was drugged and an alcoholic. That’s what made her that way. You’ll never be like her.”

“You don’t know that, Garret! I’m messed up because of her. Because of what she said to me over and over again. And how she treated me. You don’t understand because you weren’t there! You don’t know what it was like!”

I struggle to get away from him, tears running down my face. He holds onto my shaking body, rubbing my back until I finally calm down enough to speak again.

“She made me this way and it all started when I was just a baby. In my psych class, we were learning how babies are affected by the smallest things. Like if you don’t hug a baby, they’re messed up for life.”

“You’ll hug the baby, Jade. I’m not worried about that.”

“That’s not the point. The point is that it doesn’t take much to screw up a kid. And I guarantee I’ll do it.”

“Parents aren’t perfect. They all make mistakes. And yet most of us manage to make it through our childhoods and come out okay, including you.”

I push away from him. “Why aren’t you listening to me? I can’t do this, okay? You knew I didn’t want to be a mom. I’ve told you this repeatedly.”

“And it’s a lie. I saw you with Caleb and I’ve seen you with Lilly. You want that, Jade. You want kids. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”

Sometimes I hate that he knows me so well. He’s right. I love being around Caleb and Lilly and I love the idea of Garret and me having kids. But it’s just an idea. A dream. It’s not real life. In real life, I can’t be a mom.

“Even if I wanted them, I can’t have them, okay? I’m too messed up.”

He puts his hands on my shoulders, his eyes on mine. “Okay, first of all, if you’re pregnant, you’re having one. We’re having one. And second, stop saying you’re messed up, because you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. I have so many issues, Garret. You don’t know because I don’t tell you about them. I don’t want you to know.”

He lets go of me and sits back a little. “What are you talking about? What issues?”

“I can’t explain it.”

“You need to explain it because I’m not letting this go.”

I don’t know what to tell him. I’m not even sure what all my issues are. I just know I have them and I don’t know how to fix them.

“Just tell me what you’re struggling with, Jade. Just one thing.”

“I can’t control my emotions sometimes. I get really angry or really sad and it just takes over and I lose control of it. That’s why I have to run.”

“Then we’ll deal with that. We’ll work on it together.”

“We’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

He sighs. “Then you need to talk to someone. A counselor. A psychologist. Someone who can help you get through this stuff.”

“I did that after my mom died and it didn’t work.”

“You never gave it a chance. You said you only went a few times and that you wouldn’t say anything.”

“Because it doesn’t work. I don’t like talking to a stranger.”

“I don’t either, but I did it. Even my dad went to a counselor. And look how much he’s changed.”

“They’ll try to give me pills. They’ll drug me just like my mom.”

“I won’t let them.” He moves the hair off my face and slips it behind my ear, leaving his hand there. “If you want, I’ll sit in the room with you. I’ll go to every session.”

He has me considering it. It’s not like I haven’t thought about seeing someone. I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I’d rather figure this out myself. Deal with my problems on my own. Except it’s not working. I’m a lot better than I was a year ago, but deep down, I know there’s still so much I need to work on. Mostly my anger. Anger at my mom for taking away my childhood and leaving me with all this pain that I have to try to cover up and pretend doesn’t exist. Anger at her for leaving me when I had no one else in the world. Anger at her for saying all those hateful words that still linger in my head. I don’t know how to get past all that so maybe someone else could help.

“Jade, would you just try it? Please?”

I nod. “Yes.”

He hugs me really tight, like he’s relieved I agreed to it. He probably wanted me to see a counselor a long time ago but didn’t want to bring it up because he knew I’d say no. And I wanted to say no just now, but I feel like I need to do this. I at least need to try.

When he lets me go, I hold on to him and whisper, “I’m scared. Not just of seeing a counselor, but of having a baby.”

“I know.” He kisses my forehead. “But you shouldn’t be. There’s nothing to be scared of. I’m right here, and whatever happens you won’t be going through it alone. You’ll always have me. We’re a team and we go through stuff together.”

I sit back and see his face in the moonlight coming through the window. “Are you scared? Of having a baby?”

“I’m not prepared for it, but it doesn’t scare me.”

“Does anything scare you?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

His eyes lock on mine. “Losing you. So don’t you ever say you’re going to leave me. Don’t even joke about it. And if you really feel that way, talk to me. Don’t just get up and leave one day. Don’t do that to me. You promise?”

“Yes. I promise.”

The room gets silent again and then he says, “Do you want to try to get some sleep?”

“I’ll try, but I’m sure I won’t. Did you set the alarm?”

“I set the one on my phone.”

“Okay. Goodnight. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Hours later I’m still awake. I might have drifted off for a few minutes but I didn’t get more than a half hour of sleep total. Instead I lie awake thinking about everything related to having a baby; being pregnant, giving birth, how to change a diaper, how to feed a baby, how to get a baby to sleep, how to fit a crib in our bedroom. . . .

My mind never stops and then, finally, the alarm on Garret’s phone goes off. It’s 5:45.

Garret actually got some sleep so he’s a little groggy. “It’s time already?”

“Yeah. It’s 5:45. Do you want me to make some coffee while you get ready?”

“No, I’ll just go.” He stumbles out of bed and puts on jeans and a sweatshirt. He yanks on some shoes, then he’s out the door in the still-dark morning. He’ll probably be the first person there when the drugstore opens.

I don’t even know how pregnancy tests work. I know you pee on a stick and wait, but how accurate are they? And is it too soon to use one? Maybe I should look it up on the Internet. But then I’ll be bombarded with ads and information about pregnancy and babies and I’ll get even more nervous.

I don’t know how Sara got through this. I really don’t. If it weren’t for Garret, I’d be going crazy right now instead of only half-crazy. And if I had to go through a pregnancy all alone? At my age? That would really suck. Sara’s boyfriend was around when she was pregnant, so maybe he was somewhat supportive. Probably not. He sounds like a real ass. Leaving her with no money and not even wanting to see his son. And yet Sara managed to get through it all and now she’s raising Caleb with no help from anyone. I don’t know how she does it. She’s amazing.

Garret returns with three boxes of pregnancy tests. “I didn’t know which one to get so I got them all.”

“I’ll start with this one.” I take one of the boxes into the bathroom and read the instructions. The box has two sticks so I pee on both of them and wait. I open the door and Garret’s standing there, the color slowly draining from his face. Yeah, he’s not scared. Whatever.

“I’m still waiting,” I tell him.

He comes in the bathroom and we both stand over the sticks, which are sitting on the counter. And then finally, the results appear on one and then the other. I check the instructions again, just to make I’m reading the sticks right.

“I’m not pregnant!” I jump up and down.

Garret doesn’t say anything, but the color returns to his face as he takes a deep breath and lets it out.

“Give me the other ones. I’m trying them all.”

He hands me the other two boxes, then goes and waits in the bedroom.

I take the tests and get the same result. Negative.

“I’m so relieved.” I collapse on the bed next to Garret.

“You should still go to the doctor.”

“I will. I want a blood test to be absolutely sure.”

“Not just that. I want you to find out why you’re so late. Make sure there’s nothing wrong.”

“I’m sure there’s not. My body probably just got off cycle when I didn’t take that pill.”

“I want you to go first thing Monday morning. I’ll go with you.”

I agree to it, and a few minutes later I fall asleep. I don’t wake up until one in the afternoon.

Garret isn’t in bed. I hear the TV on in the living room. The volume is really low, but it sounds like he’s watching a football game.

I go in the bathroom and close the door. The test sticks are still there, lined up on the counter. I throw them all in the trash. Then I take a long hot shower and get dressed.

I feel better now that I’ve had some sleep and it’s light out. For some reason, everything seems worse in the middle of the night when it’s quiet and dark. Now it’s bright and sunny and Garret opened the bedroom windows and a cool, fresh breeze is blowing in. I close my eyes and take some deep breaths.

“You want something to eat?”

I open my eyes and see Garret standing at the bedroom door.

“I’ll just have cereal.” I give him a quick hug on my way to the kitchen. “How long have you been up?”

“Since nine. I had homework for accounting. It’s due tomorrow.”

“Did you get it done?” I grab a bowl and fill it with cereal.

Garret gets the milk from the fridge. “Yeah, I finished it.”

He walks back to the couch and sits in front of the TV. He’s acting strange. Kind of cold and distant.

I take my bowl of cereal to the couch. “Who’s playing?”

“The Cowboys and the Chiefs.”

“You don’t like those teams, do you?”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. It’s still football.”

I eat my cereal and he watches the game like I’m not even there. When I’m done eating, I take my bowl to the sink, then come back and sit next to him.

“You want to do something today?”

“Not really.” He doesn’t look at me. He just stares at the TV.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t.” He turns the volume up on the TV. The announcer says something as the crowd makes booing sounds. “That was a bad call. That guy was totally out of bounds.”

“Do you want me to leave? You seem really into this game.”

“Do whatever you want.”

He’s totally blowing me off and I don’t know why.

“What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?”

“I’m just trying to watch the game.”

I snatch the remote from him and turn the TV off. “Why are you mad at me?”

“Give me the remote back.” He holds his hand out.

“No. We’re talking about this. Tell me what’s wrong with you.”

“Why? Are you saying you don’t like it when I act like this and you don’t understand why? When I don’t tell you what’s going on and you’re left trying to guess?”

He’s trying to prove some kind of point but I’m not getting it. I’m too out of it from last night.

“Just say it, Garret. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s frustrating, isn’t it? When I leave you in the dark, wondering what I’m thinking?”

“Yeah, it is. So stop this and just tell me.”

He moves back on the couch and turns to face me. “You’re done hiding shit from me, Jade.”

“I’m not hiding anything from you.”

“Oh, really? Because last night you told me you had all these issues you’re dealing with that you haven’t told me about. Me. Your husband. Your best friend. The person you’re supposed to tell everything to.”

“That’s because I—”

“And if that’s not bad enough, last night you thought you were pregnant and you went and hid in the bathroom. You didn’t even wake me up to tell me. I had to go in there and find you crying on the floor. And instead of telling me what was wrong, you told me to leave. And when I wouldn’t leave, you made me guess what was wrong. You still wouldn’t tell me. What the fuck does that say about us, Jade?”

“It doesn’t say anything . I was just scared. I was afraid to tell you.”

“Why? Why would you be afraid to tell me?”

I look down at the couch. “Because I thought you’d get mad at me. I was supposed to prevent that from happening and I screwed up.”

“Why the hell would I get mad about that? Accidents happen. The pill’s not a hundred percent. We have sex all the freaking time. Pregnancy is always a possibility and if it happens, it happens. This may not have been the best time to have a baby but we would’ve made it work.” He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my face up to his. “Listen to me. I would never get mad at you for getting pregnant. And I would never blame you for it. So don’t ever use that as an excuse not to tell me.”

“It’s not just that.”

His hand drops from my face and he sits back and waits for me to continue.

“I couldn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to. I needed time to think. I was a mess last night. I was scared and panicked and—”

“Which is why you should’ve told me, Jade. And why you should’ve woke me up as soon as you thought you might be pregnant. You shouldn’t be sitting alone on the bathroom floor crying in the middle of the night when I was right there, just a few feet away.”

It’s true, and I don’t know why I didn’t go get him. I think it’s more out of habit than anything else. I’m so used to not having anyone that when something like this happens, I shut down and turn into the old Jade. The one who did everything alone. The one who couldn’t count on anyone. I’ve only had one year with the new Jade and 19 years with the old, so sometimes I find myself acting like her again.

Growing up, I was terrified of making my mom mad and I think I sometimes project that onto Garret. Like he’s going to react like my mom did, and scream at me if I do something wrong. I know he won’t, and yet part of me really did worry he’d get mad at me if I was pregnant.

“Jade.” He waits until our eyes meet. “I don’t know what else I can do to make you open up to me. I tell you all the time how much I love you and how I’ll always support you and help you in any way I can. But it’s like you refuse to believe me.”

“That’s not true. There’s just some things you can’t help me with.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Just stuff I need to work out in my head.”

“And you think this stuff doesn’t affect me? You think it has nothing to do with me? You seriously think that?”

He sounds angry and frustrated. I can tell this has been bothering him for a while, but he hasn’t said anything about it until now. He was probably afraid to because he knows I won’t react well if he brings it up.

“Jade, ever since we got married, I’ve wanted to talk to you about us having kids. Just talk. That’s it. But I can’t, because I know you won’t talk about it with me. You’ll say you’re not ready to, or that you have to deal with it on your own, or that it has nothing to do with me. But it does have to do with me. I’m part of this decision, Jade, and yet you act like I’m not.”

“I told you when we were dating that I didn’t want kids. This isn’t a surprise to you. And now I’m starting to change my mind, but I’m not ready to make a decision. I don’t know why you’re rushing me to when neither one of us is ready to have a baby.”

“I’m not rushing you. I just want you to talk about it. I want us to talk about it together, because this isn’t only about you.”

“I know it’s not, but we both have to want kids. I can’t make a decision based only on what you want.”

“Yes. I know that. And if I knew you really didn’t want kids, I would be okay with that. I could accept that. But I know it’s not true. I know you’re just telling yourself you don’t want them because you’re afraid to have them. And I’m not going to let your fears be the reason why we don’t have a family someday. You can get over your fears.”

“I’m not sure if I can.”

“I know you can. I’ve watched you do it. When I first met you, you tried to act like you were so strong. Like you didn’t need anyone. But once I got to know you, I could see you were just acting that way to cover up how scared you were to get close to people. I didn’t understand everything going on with you back then, but when you finally stopped hiding behind your fears and let people in, you were so much happier. And now look at you. Your entire life has changed.”

I nod, but don’t say anything so he continues.

“And with the whole med school thing, you were so afraid to let people down. But once you got past that fear and dropped those classes and stopped pursuing something you didn’t even want to do, didn’t you feel better? Weren’t you happier?”

“Yes. A lot happier.”

“And don’t you want that happiness to continue? Because it will, Jade. If you stop being afraid and if you deal with whatever’s causing you to have those fears, you’ll be even happier than you are right now.” He moves closer to me on the couch and holds my hand. “If you had no fears about being a mom, does the idea of us having kids make you happy?”

I take a moment to think about it, but I don’t need to. I know how I feel.

“Yes.” I look at him. “I love you, and you’re the best husband ever, and I know you’d be the greatest dad ever.”

“But what about you , Jade? If you set your fears aside and you imagine yourself with kids, how do you feel?”

I close my eyes and picture it. I’ve done this before but my fears are always clouding the picture. If I let those fears go, it looks different. It feels different.

“I feel happy.” I open my eyes. “Even last night, when I was thinking about having a baby, part of me was happy about it. Part of me wanted it.” I look away, then back at Garret. “It’s not like I don’t think about this. I do. I think about it a lot. And in my head, I see us all together. You and me and our kids, and it feels right. It makes me happy. But then I see myself actually being a mom and I can’t do it. I panic just thinking about it. And I don’t talk to you about it because you can’t help. And I don’t just mean with the kid thing. I mean with all of it.”

“How do you know that when you won’t even give me a chance?”

“It’s not that I—” I stop, not wanting to say it.

“Jade.” He rubs my hand with his thumb. “Tell me.”

“The truth is…I don’t want you knowing. I don’t want you knowing what goes on in my head. I don’t want you knowing how hard I have to work to keep the voices from coming back. How hard I have to work to keep the memories from replaying in my mind.”

“I want to know that stuff, Jade. I’m your husband. I need to know.”

“I don’t want you to. I don’t want you thinking I’m that same broken girl from last year. Because I’m not. And I’m trying really hard to get past this. I don’t want my mom to affect me anymore. I don’t want her to have that kind of power over me. But then sometimes I feel like she still does and I can’t make it stop.”

“Jade, you should’ve told me you were going through all this. I want to be here for you but I can’t when you shut me out. I know you say you don’t want help, but dealing with that stuff on your own doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you weaker because you just go in circles and never get past it.”

I nod and slump down in his arms.

He wraps them around me and kisses the side of my head. “I love you. And I will do whatever I can to help you get through this. I don’t care if it takes 20 years. Or more than that. I’m not going anywhere. Ever. So don’t ever be afraid to tell me these things, okay?”

I nod again and wipe my eyes.

“But, Jade.” He waits until I look at him. “I was serious about what I said last night. I want you to talk to someone. You’ve already tried doing this on your own. Now you need to try letting someone help you with this. Not just me, but someone else. A counselor.”

“I’ll think about it, but I’m not—”

“Jade, stop. I know you, and I know you could come up with a thousand excuses for why you shouldn’t go, but I’m asking you to just try it.”

I sigh. “Fine. I’ll try it.” I sit back and give him my annoyed smile. “You’re just full of advice today, aren’t you?”

He smiles back. “I can keep it going. We’ve got all day.”

“No, I need a break. You’re starting to make my head hurt.”

“You want to go get something to eat? I’m sure that cereal didn’t do much for you.”

“I could eat something.” I thread my hand with his. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No, but I will be if you keep shutting me out. We’re going to keep talking about this stuff, Jade. This isn’t a one-time thing.”

“I know.” I look down at our hands, then back at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“When you thought I might be pregnant, were you at all happy? Or were you just freaking out?”

“At first I was freaking out, but once I got past the initial shock and let it sink in that it could be a possibility, then yes, I was happy. The timing would’ve totally sucked but I knew we could handle it.” He smiles. “And the idea of holding a tiny version of you in my arms made me very happy. Just think how cute she’d be.”

“What if it was a tiny Garret?”

“I’d still be happy, but a tiny version of me wouldn’t be nearly as cute.”

“I disagree. I think a baby Garret would be very cute.”

He hugs me into his side and kisses my head. “Maybe someday we’ll find out.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”