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CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

JADE

Ever since Garret and I got married, I’ve done a lot of thinking about being a mom. I’ve talked to my counselor about my fears and I’ve started to address those fears. And I’ve made a decision about having kids. I’ve decided that it’s definitely something I want. Not right now, but in the future.

Even though I’ve made this decision, sometimes my fears creep back in my head when I think about my childhood and hear my mom yelling at me. But like I told the women I gave that speech to, life is full of choices and those choices determine what path you end up on. When I said those words, I was describing my past, but those words also apply to my future. I can make the choice to be a good mom. To be completely different than my own mom.

The past doesn’t have to dictate the future. And I have examples of that right in front of me. Like my friend, Sara. She grew up with a bad mom and yet Sara is one of the greatest moms I know.

Then I think of Pearce. Holton was a terrible father and yet Pearce isn’t like that. Despite his dad’s influence on him, Pearce tries really hard to be a good father. In fact, this past weekend, seeing Pearce being such a great dad to Garret and Lilly just reaffirmed my decision to have kids. I don’t know what Holton was like when Pearce was a kid, but I’m guessing he was abusive to his son. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. And Pearce had to put up with that for years. So if he can be a good dad, despite having Holton as a father, then I can be a good mom.

“Jade, we’re getting ready to land.” Garret’s voice wakes me from my thoughts. I’m resting on his shoulder with my eyes closed.

“That was fast.” I sit up and stretch a little.

“Fast? We’ve been flying all day.”

“I slept for most of the flight so it seemed fast to me.”

“I wish I could sleep on planes, but I just can’t get comfortable.”

“What have you been doing all this time?”

“Studying for finals. And then I was reading this.” He holds up a business magazine. “There was an article in here about the guy who owns WaveField Sports. The guy who offered to be my mentor.”

“Yeah, what did it say?”

“They interviewed him and he said he wants to start a new company. He didn’t say what it would be, but he said he’ll need to put all his efforts into the new company, which means he’ll probably be selling WaveField.”

“That’s too bad. You think he’ll still be your mentor?”

“Well, yeah. It doesn’t matter what company he owns. He can still teach me stuff. It’s just that I was really interested in the sporting goods company, but I’m sure he won’t sell it right away. He’ll probably wait a couple years.”

The speaker above me blares as the pilot announces we’re about to land.

Garret holds my hand, like he always does during takeoffs and landings.

“Hey.” He says it quickly, and when I look at him, he gives me a kiss just as the wheels touch down, and he keeps kissing me until the plane comes to a stop. “Thought I’d distract you this time.”

“Thanks. You should do that every time.”

“It’s a deal.” He gives my hand a squeeze, then gets up and stands in the aisle. “My legs are killing me. Too much sitting. I need to walk around.”

“Let’s take a walk on the beach when we get home.”

He agrees and we exit the plane, then get our luggage and head to the car. It’s warm and sunny outside, a complete contrast to the winter wonderland we left back in Connecticut. That storm dumped eight inches of snow on the ground, making it seem a lot more like December than it does here. I kind of miss not having the four seasons anymore, but the warm weather is a lot better than the bitterly cold weather we just left.

Garret and I have a quick dinner, then go out on the beach and stroll along the sand. We walk for about a mile, then turn around.

“Kiefer wants to drive up here and talk to me,” Garret announces when we’re almost back at the house.

“Why does he want to talk to you?”

“I think he wants to ask me questions about the organization.”

“Why you? If he has questions, he can ask your dad.”

“My dad will just tell him what he wants to hear. That being a member is great and wonderful and a privilege and whatever other bullshit lies they tell their members, or future members in Kiefer’s case. My dad can’t tell him the truth. He’d get in trouble if he did.”

“You think Kiefer’s having second thoughts?”

He shrugs. “I have no idea. But I’m going to call him and tell him I can’t talk to him. I told him I would that night of the memorial, but I only said it to get him away from me. He was drunk and he wouldn’t go away unless I agreed to meet with him. He didn’t say what he wanted to talk about, but it has to be the organization. Anything else he could’ve just asked me that night or later over the phone.”

“We keep getting sucked into this, Garret. When will it end?”

He stops and faces me, holding both my hands. “It already has. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. My grandfather is gone. Roth is dead. The members have no interest in me. The only connection we have to them now is my dad and your uncle.”

“That’s a pretty close connection.”

“Yes, but it’s not a direct connection. And the organization doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. Last spring, I caused them too much trouble. I wasted too much of their time. They’re not going to spend even more time coming after me. I’m telling you, Jade. The only people who wanted me back are Roth and my grandfather and now they’re both dead.”

“Do you think someone killed Roth?”

“Maybe. He has a lot of enemies so it wouldn’t surprise me if someone rigged his car to blow up. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.”

“Who are his enemies? Like other members?”

“Not members, but people he’s screwed over. Like men he hired to do his shit and then didn’t pay because he didn’t want anything being linked back to him. Or people he made deals with, but then he didn’t do his side of the deal. Guys like Roth are arrogant. They think they can get away with shit, but they can’t. At least not always.”

I don’t want to tell Garret this, but there were thoughts floating around my head that maybe his dad killed Roth, or hired someone to do it. Ever since Roth showed up last July, I had this feeling he’d try to get Garret back in the organization. I think Garret and Pearce thought so, too. They just wouldn’t admit it. So in the back of my mind, I wondered if Pearce would do something to get Roth out of our lives, but it sounds like someone else did that for us. Or maybe it really was just a car accident.

“So it’s over?” I smile really wide. “It’s really over?”

“We’ll always have to be careful, Jade. That’s just part of being a Kensington. But as for the organization? It’s over. They’re done with me, which means we can stop worrying about them and start living our lives.”

“And build our house?”

“You want to build the house? Like now?”

“I guess not, but I want to go visit our land. We haven’t been there for a while and I miss it.”

“Do you want to go tomorrow? There aren’t any classes and neither one of us has a final tomorrow.”

“Don’t you have to study?”

He shrugs. “I need a break from it. My brain can’t hold any more information.”

“Okay, then we’ll go tomorrow.”

“Let’s pack a lunch and have a picnic there.” He kisses me and talks over my lips. “And for dessert I’m bringing the Halloween candy.”

“I can’t wait.” I kiss him back, then take his hand and we walk back to the house.

On Monday, Garret and I drive to the land where we’re building our house. It’s sunny but cool, so I brought a sweatshirt and some extra blankets. While Garret sets up our picnic area, I stand at the edge of the cliff, gazing out at the waves and feeling the cool breeze. Every time I come here, I can’t believe this is ours.

“Jade, get away from the edge,” Garret yells.

I run over to him. “You worry too much.”

“You about give me a heart attack when you stand so close to the edge. I’m gonna have to put up a six foot fence just to keep you away from it.”

“You can’t do that. I wouldn’t be able to see the ocean.”

“I will, if you don’t stop standing on the edge like that.”

“Fine.” I kiss him. “I’ll make sure to stand at least a foot away from it.”

“More like three feet. Or six.”

I pull on him to sit down with me. He has a blanket spread out over the ground with the picnic basket and cooler holding it down. The other blankets I brought are stacked up next to us. I take one and put it over my legs because the breeze is chilly on my bare skin. I probably should’ve worn jeans instead of shorts.

“Garret, what are you going to do when we have kids? They’ll want to run to the edge just like me.”

He doesn’t react to the kid comment. I make these comments all the time now. I have for the past month so he’s used it. He doesn’t read anything into it because he assumes I’m just saying it hypothetically.

“If we had kids,” he says, “I’d have to build a ten foot fence. Actually, a fence isn’t sturdy enough. I’d need a solid wall.”

I laugh. “That would ruin the view, which is the whole purpose of living here.”

“I don’t care. I’m not gonna risk having our kid fall off the edge of a cliff. There would have to be a solid wall all along there.” He points to the edge, moving his hand left to right.

I sit cross-legged and hold his hand and look at him. “Then I guess you better add that to the house plan.”

He doesn’t react. I’m sure he thinks I’m just talking hypothetically again.

“It can wait. We don’t need to build it when we build the house. Like you said, we don’t want to ruin the view.”

“We need to put something there. Maybe not a solid wall, but something to keep our kids safe.” I hold his other hand and wait for him to look me in the eye. “Because we’re having kids, Garret. Not now, but someday.”

He looks like he doesn’t believe me, like he thinks I’m joking. But when he sees the serious expression on my face, he says, “Jade, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I made a decision. I want us to have kids. Well, I’d like to start with just one and see how it goes.”

His cautiously smiles. “Are you serious?”

I nod. “Yeah. I’ve thought about this a lot. And I’ve decided this is what I want.” I smile. “I think you want that too, right?”

A huge smile fills his face. “You know I do. Get over here.” He pulls me into his arms.

“I know I still have issues to work through and I’m not saying I’ll be a perfect mom, but I’ll be the best mom I possibly can.”

“You’ll be a great mom, Jade. I know you will.”

“I’m still scared. But you’ll help, right? I mean, you won’t be one of those dads who’s never around, right?”

“Of course not. I promise, I will do as much as I can to help.”

“Good, because I’m going to need it. I’m already feeling overwhelmed just thinking about having kids, even though it’s still a ways off in the future.”

He pulls back a little to look at me. “How far in the future? Do you have a timeline in mind?”

“Well, I thought we should talk about that together. But I don’t want to be too old. I was thinking maybe when we’re 25? Is that too soon?”

“No, it’s perfect.” His huge smile remains. “That’s what I was thinking too. We’ll be done with school, our careers will be somewhat started, and the house will be built by then.”

“But I think we should start trying when we’re 24 so that we have it when we’re 25. It could take a while to get pregnant and then you have to wait nine months, so we may not even have one until we’re 26.”

He brings me in for a kiss. “Then we’ll start working on it the night of my 24 th birthday.”

I smile. “I didn’t mean we had to do that , but—”

“I know what you meant.” He kisses me again and lays me down on the blanket, his hand slipping under my shirt.

I break from the kiss and laugh. “We’re not starting right now, Garret. I said 24, not 20.”

“I’m just practicing,” he says, still kissing me. “Gotta keep my skills up in this area.”

I laugh again and push him back. “We’ll practice later. I’m not done talking yet.”

He props himself next to me on his side. “Go ahead.”

“I can’t promise you three kids. I know you want three, but I can only agree to one, at least for now.”

“We don’t have to have three. I’ll be happy with whatever we have.” His hand brushes over my cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I smile up at him. “We’re going to be parents someday.”

He glances back at the cliff. “I’m definitely gonna have to put up a ten foot wall.”

“No, you’re not.” I yank him over me and kiss him and keep kissing him, stopping just briefly to say, “We can practice now if you want.”

“Finally.” He grabs the blankets and covers us up and we have outdoor sex. I was hoping for the Halloween sex but he was in too much of a hurry to grab the candy. And so was I. But we can do it later. We have all afternoon.

This is celebration sex. We’re celebrating that I finally made a decision. A decision that’s made Garret very happy. And more importantly, a decision that makes us both happy.