Page 19

Leanna Avery

Anger is a difficult emotion to let go of. And it’s usually linked with pride.

I never knew that I had any pride or that I was allowed to till I came here, till I learned that I was fighting for more than just my life.

And it’s my pride that throbs when Harriet tells me the truth, when Cedric tells me what really happened. I can’t make sense of it. These aren’t emotions I can take apart and assess. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to stop being angry.

All these years, my anger has been the only thing I’ve held on to. Knowing now that I’ve been angry over nothing, that I spent the last eight years being upset over nothing, makes me feel all sorts of ways.

“You don’t disobey your mother. That’s disrespectful, and I won’t allow it.”

“If you want to go somewhere, you ask for permission from your mother. And if you upset her, I’ll knock some sense into you.”

I was already awake when Finn decided to sneak out. I didn’t expect Cedric to catch him, though. I couldn’t see Cedric outside in the park anymore, so I thought that perhaps he had returned to his hotel room. But my window was cracked, and I could hear their conversation. I’m still surprised Cedric didn’t reveal who he is to Finn. And I was even more surprised to hear him discipline my son—no, our son—about respecting me. Finn is a sweet boy. He’s a little rebellious, and sometimes I need to have a firm hand when it comes to him, but he’s a good kid. He likes testing boundaries, though.

Cedric’s words are still ringing in my ears. They didn’t sound like they came from a man who hated me. Having the truth cemented for me is not easy, but I saw how my son reacted to his father. He listened. Have I really deprived my son of his father? And if I continue to do so, will it be detrimental to his future?

Having a conversation with Cedric and trying to remain calm throughout it all is not easy, but I know that for Finn’s sake, I need to go through with it.

As I prepared the tea, I tried to come up with the right questions, but I couldn’t stop my own feelings from leaking through.

“I’ll bring you Vivian’s head.”

I wasn’t anticipating that.

“I’m tired, Leanna. I’m tired of losing people, of losing my family. I can’t lose you again. So, whatever you need, I’ll give it to you.”

Of all the things I expected of this conversation, seeing this proud man lower his head before me was not one of them. He has changed. And greatly so. Sitting here next to him, I can see it now. He looks worn-out. The ferocity of his gaze has dimmed. He has the expression of a man who has been through hell. Or a terrible loss.

My anger fades and is replaced by a bone-deep ache.

“I don’t need Vivian’s head.” I can feel the tears slide down my cheeks. “Or Bella’s. But I don’t want to go back to the North, Cedric. I don’t want to give up my freedom and my job. I worked hard for this life. All of this, everything that I’ve done here, this is me. If you ask me to give it up and go back, you’re asking me to give up my identity. This is the first time in my life that I’ve been happy.”

“Leanna…”

My lips tremble as I once again face losing everything. “I know it’s selfish, and I know I have to consider Finn’s future, but no matter what you do, the Northern Kingdom will never accept him. The North and the East have archaic values. They will not accept children they consider illegitimate.”

“My son is not—”

“He’s not a pureblood.” I meet Cedric’s gaze evenly. “Look me in the eye and tell me they will accept him, and I will believe you.”

He’s silent.

“That’s what I thought.”

I withdraw my hands from the table, but he reaches out and grasps one, preventing me from pulling it away.

“If they won’t accept him, they will die,” Cedric says darkly. “I will wipe out their entire bloodline if I have to, Leanna. I will not let my son be insulted. He is my heir, and he will be my only heir. Finn will be the king of the Northern Kingdom one day. And if anyone has a problem with that, I’ll kill them and hang their bodies from the castle gate.” He studies me for a moment, and I see despair in his eyes. “I know you have feelings for Erik. I know I’m not as cultured and refined as him. I’m a brute. I’m aware of it. But Leanna, I can make you happy. I’ll give you anything you want. You can travel back and forth between the human world and the North if you want. I won’t stop you. If you want to keep your job, you can. If you—”

I lean forward and cover his mouth with my free hand, unable to listen to any more. “Stop. Please.” I can’t bear to hear him beg me like this. I don’t want to be the one to break this prideful man.

He takes both my hands and kisses them. “Just come home. I’ll fix it all.”

Why is he doing this? Why is he lowering his pride for me so much? The man I knew would never—

I didn’t realize I was speaking out loud till Cedric touches the edge of my hair. “The man you knew was a fool. I didn’t understand what I had till I lost it. When I thought you had died, it felt like I forgot how to breathe. I didn’t know I could feel that way. I just want you to come home, Leanna. I’ll give you the whole world. And whoever opposes you, I’ll give you their heads. I’m not Erik, but—”

“I don’t love Erik,” I say suddenly. “I know I implied it. I said I wanted to mate him, but I don’t.” I shake my head, still trying to understand. “Why am I so important to you? We hardly spent any time together. I couldn’t have made that big of an impact on you, Cedric. You didn’t even give me the mating mark. If you had marked Vivian, anything there had been between us would have been history.”

Cedric is quiet as he mulls over my question. “This has nothing to do with our fated mate bond.”

“Then, what?”

He doesn’t meet my gaze, just playing with the edges of my hair as if fascinated by them. “The way you smile? The way your face lights up when you get excited? The way you speak, carefully measured yet cautious? I like the way your eyes grow fierce when you’re angry, the way you forget decorum and just say whatever you’re thinking.”

My heart is beating too loudly. Can he hear the thudding sound?

“I like the way you concentrate when you’re reading a book and your nose scrunches.”

There’s honest, and then there’s Cedric. My face feels hot as I cry out, “Okay, I get it! You can stop now.”

He blinks. “But I’m not done.”

My lips move as I struggle to speak. “You’re not?”

“You asked what impact you’ve had on me. I want to tell you everything.”

“You don’t have to.” I’m sure my face is a bright red color. “I get the picture.”

“So, I should stop?”

“Yes. Please.”

Was he always this sincere? I can’t remember.

Or maybe I do. There were small, sometimes clumsy gestures that I tried to ignore because they made my heart feel funny. He was always looking out for me. If I liked books, he’d have a dozen sent to the small office I was given. They’d be random tomes, on war strategy, the Veil, ancient texts. Some I found interesting, some I had no idea what to do with.

If I liked something particular to eat, I’d suddenly be having it served at every meal. He knew I liked to walk in the gardens, and he had all the benches fixed and a swing installed. I spent most of my time in the greenhouse, and he gave instructions to the gardeners to provide every seed they could find. Most of them were dull, harsh plants, and I didn’t use them, but his gesture was sweet.

At the time, I was wary of everything he did. But now, when I think back, I see that he was trying to make me feel more comfortable. His bark was worse than his bite. And while he was a harsh man, if I focus on his actions and not his words, my experience can be painted over in broad strokes as not entirely unpleasant. He cared, and he tried to show it even if he couldn’t say it.

I swallow.

I was a political prisoner back then. He wasn’t exactly subtle about it. But nobody goes that far for someone who’s merely a prisoner in their eyes. Cedric’s harsh behavior in the beginning can be justified, perhaps. But then, he began trying to make me comfortable. At some point, the castle stopped being a prison and started becoming a home to me. Would I have felt that way if he had not gone out of his way to perform all those small gestures?

Perhaps time makes it easier to study our past with a more forgiving gaze.

I don’t know what to do. There’s a strange, uncomfortable sensation in my chest. My wolf is happy, though. For it, the solution is simple. But human emotions are more complicated. They have layers of nuance to them.

“Leanna.”

He keeps using my name, and it keeps making me want to focus on him, to look at him, to listen to him. I like the sound of my name on his lips. He’s right. He’s nothing like Erik. Erik’s got nothing on thus huge, hulking man who touches me so gently and speaks my name with such sincerity.

I don’t know what love is. I’ve read romance novels, but they’re all filled with dashing heroes and simpering heroines. This doesn’t feel like anything described in those books. These feelings are raw and overwhelming, and I don’t want to face them right now.

I know I’m being a coward, but I need time to sort out my own tangled-up emotions.

“I—” I let out a shaky breath, looking away from Cedric. “You can take Finn out on runs after dinner. And—” Why is this so hard? It’s like I’m facing a meandering river and the risk of drowning is keeping me from dipping my foot in. My heart is pounding. I want to look everywhere but at him. Because if I look at Cedric, I know I might make a decision that I will regret. I need time to think.

“And?” Cedric is persistent if nothing else.

“And I’ll stay here while you go.”

He makes a displeased huff but doesn’t argue. I see him pick up the cup of tea before him and sniff it. “What is this?”

“Raspberry and lemon tea.”

He takes a sip before looking horrified. “It tastes like piss!”

I gape at him. “No, it doesn’t! It’s one of my favorites.”

“So, you like the flavor of piss?”

I snatch the cup away from him, hissing, “What is wrong with you? Just leave it if you don’t like it.”

He plucks the cup back out of my hand, puts it to his mouth, and drains it in one go. Slamming it down, he grimaces. “You’ve developed some strange tastes since coming here.”

“You didn’t have to drink it if you hated it so much!”

Now it’s Cedric’s turn to look insulted. “Of course I did. You made it for me.”

Flustered at his reasoning, I pick up both cups and move to the sink to wash them. I need to do something with my hands to distract myself. Fortunately, he doesn’t follow me.

“This hut is too small.”

“It’s not a hut,” I say irritably. “It’s my house. And it’s not small; it’s reasonably sized.”

He stands up, and my eyes are inadvertently drawn to him. Cedric is not a short man by any means, but his head isn’t exactly brushing against the ceiling, either. It’s his frame.

Cedric is huge. Years of fighting have built his body to look like a tank. I’ve never admitted it to anyone but myself, but I quite like his bulging muscles. I never knew I had a preference when it came to a man’s physical appearance, but I always enjoyed looking at my mate. I used to watch him from a distance whenever I had the opportunity.

The men in the Eastern Kingdom were built differently than Cedric. Their hands were dainty, and they were well groomed with trim figures. No wonder Vivian considered Cedric and the other Northern wolves to be barbarians. Compared to the Eastern ones, these men are massive in both their human and animal forms.

It’s a similar comparison with respect to the Human Wolf Kingdom. Even Erik. I’ve seen him train, and he has muscles in all the right places, but compared to Cedric, he looks almost frail.

“Why are you staring at me?” Cedric asks bluntly all of a sudden.

My face grows hot, and I quickly turn my attention back to the dishes in the sink. “I’m not. And there’s nothing wrong with my house. You’re just used to castles and other large spaces.”

Cedric comes to stand behind me, and my hands are covered in soapy water when I go still. I can see his reflection in the kitchen window. He seems to be fascinated by my short hair for some reason.

Next thing I know, his chest is against my back, and my mouth turns dry. Suddenly, I can see his point of view. This kitchen is indeed too small for him, for the both of us. His hands are now resting against my hips. “See? There’s no space to move around in here. You should get a bigger house. I’ll build you a castle here. With gardens. You like gardens. I haven’t seen any here.”

I can’t think with his hands where they are. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to me anymore, distracted by the lamp hanging from the ceiling, but his large hands are still hot against the curve of my hips.

Swallowing, I try to stay calm. “We do have a garden. It’s called a yard.”

“That small space behind the house?” He blinks. “You call that a garden?”

Bristling, I wipe my hands and turn around to glare at him, ready to say something snappish. How dare he insult my home? “It’s not that small. If you don’t like—”

He looks down at me, and suddenly, I can’t speak. He’s too close. His chest is brushing against mine, and I’m reminded of how he used to hold me in bed, the way he liked folding me over furniture to fuck me with his relentless stamina, his cock moving in and out of me in long, deep strokes till I couldn’t even remember my own name.

I hadn’t known sex could be like that.

How did I forget that?

With how close he’s standing to me, I can’t help but recall those heated nights. After leaving the North, I never once thought about being with another man. That part of my existence was over, as far as I was concerned. I closed that chapter of my life and let it gather dust.

I can smell the musky scent in the air, and to my dismay, so can Cedric. His nose twitches, and when he focuses his eyes on mine, his voice is a heated growl. “Leanna.”

“Stop saying my name.” It’s not helping. Between that and his hands curling around my waist, the wetness in my panties is spreading.

No.

No, if I do this, if I let him cross this line, it’s over. If he gives me the mating mark, all the choices I have, the ones I can still make, will be ripped from me.

“No.” My voice is weak, but my jaw is hard. “No, Cedric.”

He freezes.

I can feel his hardness pressing against my stomach through his pants, and a part of me wants to take it in my hands. I want to spread my legs and—

Cedric has a strained look in his eyes as he takes a step back from me. As soon as he does, relief fills me.

I close my eyes briefly, trying to calm myself. When I open them, he’s about to say something, but I hold up my hand. “I really don’t want to hear it. I—I’m going to take another shower.”

As I walk away, he asks, “What about me?”

“You’re not joining me!” I say quickly, and his eyes widen as we exchange a look, clearly both recalling an evening years ago when I was in the shower. I had just lathered myself up when he walked in.

Slippery bodies, his fingers entering places I didn’t know were allowed, such dark, intense pleasure that I still shiver thinking about it. There was no part of my body he didn’t explore with his thick, slicked-up fingers.

“No!” I growl before turning on my heel and storming to my bedroom.

Stripping off the bathrobe, I opt for a cold shower that leaves me shivering. It also has the expected effect of knocking some sense into me.

“What the hell was that?” I mumble to myself as I finally turn off the water. “What was I doing remembering all of—Oh!” My face is a bright red when I see myself in the mirror above the sink.

He had caught my scent. If he hadn’t moved away, if he had touched me, if he had laid his hands on any other part of my body, I would have given in.

I stare at my naked body, stunned. How did I go from loathing him to wanting him to touch me again?

The truth is obvious, no matter how much I try to hide from it.

I’ve forgiven him.

Not for what happened to me. I have no reason to be angry with him over that since he was also manipulated. I’ve forgiven him for how he treated me in the beginning.

Is it that easy to forgive someone? My eyes are wet as I reach out to my reflection in the mirror. Is that why I feel so much lighter?

Suddenly, I can see those couple of months I spent with Cedric in a new light. Maybe he was a jerk at the start, but he showed me he cared the only way he knew how. And I never saw it or understood those gestures because nobody had ever cared for me before, because I had accepted that he didn’t care for me. All I knew was that I was dependent on him for survival, and therefore, I had to please him.

While all that time, he was trying to please me.

It would be so easy to go back to the kitchen right now and walk straight into his arms.

I want to do it. He cares for me. I could have him. I could be with him.

And then, you would have to give all this up, a small voice whispers in my head. If I sleep with him, he could give me the mating mark. But if he doesn’t…

My heart slams against my rib cage. “I don’t want to lead him on,” I say out loud to my reflection. I don’t want to give him the idea that I want to resume our relationship. I’ve been fine on my own. I don’t mind having him in Finn’s life, but I want to be selfish for once. I don’t want to give up my own life again.

But wouldn’t Finn benefit from having his parents together? Am I being too selfish by wanting to prioritize my own happiness?

The way my heart aches makes me think I am.

I run my fingers through my wet hair.

I can’t be impulsive here. There’s a lot at stake.

After pulling on my bathrobe, I rub a towel over my hair as I walk out of the bathroom. Too much has happened tonight. I’ll check on Finn to make sure he’s okay and then head to bed. Some sleep will be good for me. I have to be up early tomorrow to review the materials Erik gave me. And it’s not like anything has to be decided tonight anyway. It has been a long day, and things between Cedric and me have been sorted out. Or at least, our past has been. I should be grateful to—

My eyes widen when I enter my bedroom and see Cedric sitting on my bed. He seems to be contemplating something.

“W–What are you doing in my room?!”

“Your room?” He looks confused. “Don’t you mean our room?”

“No!” I toss the towel on a chair. “There is no ‘our room,’ Cedric. This is my house and my room.”

I realize I’ve said too much when a shutter falls over his face. “I see.”

“That’s not—” Now I feel like the world’s biggest jerk. “That’s not what I meant to say. It’s just that I’ve never shared a room with anyone but you, and now I’m not used to it.” Why am I even offering him an explanation? To soothe his hurt feelings? I must be tired. Trying to keep my voice firm, I continue. “I can set up the guest bedroom for you.”

“It’s alright.” He shakes his head and makes his way to the door. “I’ll sleep out there.”

“The couch is too small for you.”

When he doesn’t respond, I realize he means he’s going to sleep outdoors.

“Cedric, wait!” Exasperated, I hurry after him, holding my bathrobe closed with one hand. I block his path. “Will you just wait?”

“What?” He scowls. “I’m leaving. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“No. I mean, not exactly.” I run my fingers through my hair in an agitated movement. “Look, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but you’re trying to move too quickly. I’m still adjusting to all this.”

“I’m not doing anything.” He folds his arms over his chest. “I just want to sleep with my mate. You’re the one who’s insistent on overthinking everything. You and I had very different experiences eight years ago, Leanna. I’ve tolerated you treating me like the enemy, but you’re not the only one who suffered. You were angry and hurt, and you ran. I lost my mate and thought she was dead.”

His words are harsh, but his eyes tell a different story.

Confusion. Pain.

I swallow. “You’re right.” Letting out a gust of air, I force myself to relax and think things through. “You’re right. But this is a lot to process, Cedric. This morning, the palace, then Harriet shows up, then you and I, and now this…”

He studies me, and I sort out my thoughts before continuing.

“It’s overwhelming. All of it is. Seeing you again, having to accept what really happened, letting go of my own anger. Everything is crashing around me. Your presence here is disrupting my life, and that scares me. But I don’t want you to go, either. I don’t know if I’m making sense—”

“You don’t have to make sense,” he says quietly. “I understand. We want two very different things. You want this life, and I just want my mate.”

Everything within me goes still.

He just wants me?

“It’s not—” My fingers dig into my sleeve as shame washes over me. “There are things you don’t understand, that I can’t explain to you, Cedric, because you haven’t stood in my shoes. You’ve been free your whole life, while I was little more than a slave. I always belonged to somebody. I never had autonomy over my own body, never was able to make my own decisions. My life, my worth, even my very existence were decided by Vivian and then by you. The two of you always held my fate in your hands.”

I’ve never been someone who sheds tears openly. But lately, it seems I can’t stop crying.

“This small house that you look at so disdainfully? It belongs to me. Everything in here, I picked out myself. I learned what I like, what I don’t like. Did you know that I didn’t even have my own favorite color? For the first time, I’m free and allowed to decide things for myself. Nobody controls me. I don’t have to clutch somebody’s legs simply to survive. I don’t have to debase myself in front of anyone just so they grant me a few more days to live. I don’t have to listen to anybody insult or humiliate me and not react because my very survival depends on them.”

I’m shaking, but not out of anger toward him.

“How can I expect you to understand what this life means to me? You’ve known freedom your whole life, Cedric. I haven’t. In the castle, in the North, the only way to survive was to subordinate myself to you, to please you. I didn’t even know who I was, the kind of person I was, till I came here. And now, you want me to give it all up, to go back to a life of servitude again—”

“That’s not what—” He looks horrified, but my emotions are running high: guilt, shame, this terrible ache in my chest, and a crippling fear.

“That’s exactly what it is!” I cry out, louder than I wanted. I feel my air passages constrict. Why can’t he understand? Why can’t he—

“Mom?”