Page 19 of A New Family at Puddleduck Farm (Puddleduck Farm #6)

For once, Phoebe found herself hoping Lily wouldn’t settle down straightaway so she’d have a bit more time before she had to face Sam. But ironically, because she didn’t want her to, Lily settled down almost immediately.

‘I am a terrible mother,’ Phoebe said softly as she bent over to kiss her forehead. ‘Well, I’m a terrible partner anyway.’

Her mind spun with the ramifications of deleting Sam’s message.

What on earth had she been thinking? What if Judy phoned again and said she’d already called once and left a message?

Hopefully she wouldn’t. But Phoebe still felt horrendously guilty.

She’d have hated it if Sam had done the same thing to her. Not that she ever had exes calling her.

She took so long in the bedroom that eventually, Sam came up. He stood in the doorway and called softly, ‘It’s ready, Pheebs. Has she gone down OK?’

‘She has. She’s fine. I’m just coming.’

‘And are you OK?’ he asked as she came to the door.

His voice was so concerned and gentle that she felt guiltier than ever about that message.

‘I’m good.’ She paused. Maybe she should just tell him now – fess up to making a stupid decision.

But that might cause another upset and lead to them not talking properly yet again and she was desperate to sort things out properly between them.

No, on balance, it would be best to keep that quiet for now.

Half an hour later they had finished their bolognese and they’d each had a slice of the creamy cheesecake and Sam had cleared up.

Roxie had been treated to a few strands of meat-sauce-soaked spaghetti, which she loved, and Snowball had deigned to lick his strands of spaghetti clean.

He liked the sauce, but he clearly wasn’t going to make himself look undignified by trying to eat the spaghetti.

Roxie waited politely until he’d left his bowl and then helped him out by wolfing it down herself.

Sam topped up their wine glasses. ‘Shall we take these into the front room? I’ve lit the fire in there.’

‘That sounds brilliant.’

The animals followed them in. Snowball jumped up onto the big windowsill as though he was looking for his bowl, but Sam had already moved it. There was a chunky green vase in its place. Snowball sniffed it disdainfully before settling down, paws outstretched, for a snooze.

Roxie glanced up hopefully too, and she looked disappointed when she realised there was no cat bowl. She lay down on the carpet beneath the windowsill with a humph.

‘That’s scuppered her little game,’ Phoebe murmured, glancing across.

‘I know. Mean, aren’t I?’

‘You’re not, Sam, she was definitely getting chubby. I did wonder why. We don’t overfeed her.’

‘No, we don’t. But at least Snowball hasn’t been wasting away. He’s quite capable of catching a mouse if he’s hungry.’

There was a little pause and Phoebe wondered if he was trying to think of a way back into the conversation they’d begun last night.

It felt lovely sitting in the cosy room by the fire with their animals snoozing peacefully and their daughter asleep upstairs.

It seemed a shame to shift the mood. On the windowsill, Snowball was snoring.

Every so often he stretched out his paws or swished his tail in his sleep.

He was perilously close to that vase, Phoebe thought, wondering if she should get up and move it.

Sam cleared his throat. ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ he began. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, Phoebe, with what I said about the wedding. Truly. I’ve just been worried lately, and maybe I’ve projected that on to you.’

‘I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have reacted like I did. And tonight’s been really lovely. Let’s start again.’

He nodded. ‘Do you want to go first?’

‘OK.’ She took a deep breath and told him what she had told Maggie earlier about the grief she’d felt lately for the baby they’d lost. ‘I thought I was over it when we got pregnant with Lily, but I couldn’t have been.

I think I’d just pushed it all down inside.

And then I pushed it even deeper because I was really scared at the beginning that it would happen again.

Even though logically there was no reason why it should. ’

‘Oh, sweetheart, I should have guessed. I was scared too.’

‘You never said?’

‘I know. I was terrified of tempting fate.’

‘I think we both were.’ She met his gaze.

‘I don’t know if it was the same for you, Sam, but for me it faded as we got closer to the birth.

I guess it was the hormones and the excitement.

But it never totally left and lately I’ve felt awfully sad about it again.

I don’t suppose the exhaustion has helped.

Or the crazy hormones.’ She paused, feeling tears clogging her throat suddenly.

‘I feel like I should have worked it out earlier. But grief isn’t like a switch, is it?

It doesn’t just disappear in one hit. It ebbs and flows and sometimes when you think it’s done with, it isn’t and it comes back up again. ’

‘I know, and I don’t think we should beat ourselves up. This is all new territory for both of us. And there isn’t a right way of dealing with grief. Or parenthood, come to that.’

For a moment they were quiet, both lost in their own thoughts, and then just as Phoebe was about to say something else, there was a thud and a yelp and both of them jumped as Roxie shot across the room away from the windowsill.

Phoebe stood up to see what had happened. The vase was now lying on its side on the carpet. ‘Oh, my goodness, Sam, I think that vase just fell on her head. Snowball must have knocked it off with his paws. Roxie, love, are you OK?’

Roxie came warily back across the room, looking around for her unknown assailant, and Phoebe checked her over, but fortunately there didn’t appear to be any damage.

On the windowsill Snowball opened his yellow eyes briefly, and then shut them again, and stretched out his paws, as if blissfully unaware of the drama he’d just caused.

‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say he did that on purpose,’ Sam said. ‘Revenge for all the dinners she’s stolen.’

Phoebe shook her head. ‘He couldn’t have done, surely.’

‘I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s usually very careful where he puts his paws.’

‘Well, he certainly gave her a fright, poor lamb. I don’t think she’ll be going near that windowsill again in a hurry.’

She was right. Roxie climbed up on the sofa beside Sam instead and he stroked her ears. ‘Did that wicked cat throw a vase at you?’

Roxie turned accusing brown eyes towards the windowsill and thumped her tail. ‘I swear she knows exactly what I just said,’ Sam murmured.

‘I’m sure she does too. Animals are amazing, aren’t they? Much better at communicating than we are. Maggie always says that. I guess we just need to keep talking,’ she added, ‘and stop trying to mind read and second guess each other.’

‘I’m up for that.’ He put an arm around her shoulders. ‘Any time you want to talk, or even just to cry, I will always be here. You do know that, don’t you?’

‘Right back at ya, Sam.’

She felt a rush of love for him. She should have known he would understand. He had always understood. She wished once again that she hadn’t deleted Judy’s message. Because now would have been the perfect time to ask him about it.

But she didn’t want to end the evening on a negative note. Hopefully he would never find out. She decided to sit on it for now.

* * *

Sam wondered if he should tell her about the time when he’d run out of Hendrie’s and stood on the bridge with all those crazy thoughts of wanting to run away flooding through his brain.

He’d been going to tell her about his sadness that he’d made a decision to give up Ninja because they were never going to compete again.

That he thought he might have found a home for him.

That’s what Judy Barker’s message had been about.

She had been speaking to Marjorie Taylor at Brook about finding a horse for a friend of hers.

Although she hadn’t phoned back as she’d promised, to put them in touch, so maybe it wouldn’t pan out after all.

But after everything they’d just shared, he didn’t want to spin Phoebe back into insecurity and the feeling he wasn’t totally committed, so he amended what he’d been going to say.

‘I do miss our old life sometimes. I guess that’s normal, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the life we have now. I love you and Lily more than anything in the world.’

‘And you’re still OK with me going back to work full time after Christmas?’

‘Of course I am. If you’re OK with it?’

‘I am, and I can’t wait to marry you, Sam. But we don’t need to rush into it. I want to enjoy the planning. I want to get excited about it all.’

‘And saving up’s pretty key too.’

‘Christmas first.’ Her eyes sparkled and he took her hand in his. ‘It’s going to be amazing.’

And for the first time in a while, Sam felt that she was right. It really was.