Page 16 of A New Family at Puddleduck Farm (Puddleduck Farm #6)

It was date night again. Maggie and Eddie were babysitting so Sam and Phoebe had gone to the Brace of Pheasants, a country pub at Godshill about twenty minutes away.

It was mostly frequented by locals, being off the beaten track, but it was always busy.

It had an inglenook fireplace, a great pie chef and a range of real ales and fine wines.

They were now soaking up the warmth of the wood burner, its bright orange flames flickering behind glass, and breathing in the delicious aromas of food while they waited for their beef and ale pies to arrive.

Phoebe told Sam about Marcus’s helpful diagnosis with the pygmy hedgehog that day.

‘He used to be so shy, but he’s been so much more confident since he’s been living with Natasha.’

‘Teamwork,’ Sam said, taking her hand. ‘Two heads are better than one.’

‘I know. It’s brilliant. And talking of teamwork, Max told me we’d had all the orphan pups back in for their vaccinations too. It sounded like Jade had great homes lined up for them.’

‘That’s brilliant news too.’ Sam cleared his throat. ‘I was thinking about Ninja earlier. I’ve been neglecting him lately and…’

He broke off because their pies had arrived. The delicious scents of meat and pastry hit her nostrils and Phoebe realised she was starving. By the time they’d thanked the waiter and sorted out their cutlery, she’d forgotten Sam had been about to say something.

For a few moments they ate in silence. The pub had filled up.

It was a Friday night and there was a buzz of convivial chatter.

As she ate, Phoebe glanced around them. There were several people sitting at the bar with suits on who’d presumably come straight from work, and on the table closest to them were a young couple dressed in bright fleeces and jeans sipping their drinks and occasionally touching each other’s hands.

They definitely didn’t have a baby. They looked far too sparkly eyed to have been juggling parenthood with their careers.

Fleetingly, Phoebe envied them their freedom.

The group at the bar were in high spirits too.

They were laughing and joking with each other and Phoebe caught the word ‘birthday’ and realised they were out celebrating.

For a moment she felt as though she was caught between two worlds.

The world of work and the world of parenthood, and that she didn’t really fit into either of them.

She felt guilty because she wasn’t giving her precious daughter her full-time attention and she felt guilty because she wasn’t giving her precious partner and her precious business her full-time attention either.

She knew she wasn’t the first woman to feel like this. She’d read loads about guilt on Mumsnet but at that moment the fact that other women felt the same as her didn’t help one bit.

‘Penny for them?’ Sam asked.

She couldn’t tell him. It would have felt like a slap in the face when she knew he was doing his utmost to give her the best of both worlds.

‘I was just thinking how delicious this pie was and how lovely it was not to have to cook,’ she improvised, and then felt guilty again for lying.

‘Are you saying my cooking’s not up to the standard of the Brace’s pies?’ His voice was jokey.

‘Of course I wasn’t saying that, Sam.’ She lied to him for the second time in five minutes.

More guilt. But then she wasn’t alone in her deception.

Society did it too. There was a section of society that said women could have it all.

Motherhood, a great relationship and a dazzling career.

All three were possible. You just needed the right attitude and a little organisation.

Phoebe was beginning to think that was a massive lie too.

It was pretty difficult to juggle everything without dropping a ball now and again.

Sam knew something was wrong though. He didn’t finish his pie; unusual for Sam. He put his knife and fork down when he was about three quarters through and asked Phoebe if she’d like another drink.

‘I’m driving, so you might as well take advantage, Pheebs.’

‘In that case, yes, please. I’ll have a red wine.’

‘Coming up.’ There were no waiting staff in sight so he went up to the bar to order it and Phoebe watched him, feeling nervous.

She knew he hadn’t believed her just now and she had a feeling he wasn’t going to leave it there either. Sam was one of the most perceptive people she’d ever met.

A few minutes later, he came back with their drinks and put them on the table, and then he began without any more preamble. ‘Do you still want us to get married, Phoebe?’

‘What?’ Blindsided, she looked at him. She hadn’t been expecting that. ‘Of course I do. Why on earth would you think I didn’t?’

‘I guess because we haven’t talked about it lately. I can’t remember the last time either of us mentioned it.’

It was true, she realised, but he was still speaking.

‘Sweetheart, just now when you were looking at that lot at the bar, were you wishing you had a different life?’

‘Um…’ He was so spookily accurate she didn’t know how to answer. She took a gulp of her wine. ‘I don’t regret us being together and having Lily if that’s what you mean.’

‘No. I didn’t mean that. Oh, God.’ He rubbed his fingers across his forehead.

‘That came out all wrong. I just mean…’ He paused.

‘OK, this time last year we were looking forward to getting married. We were really excited about moving in to Puddleduck Farm. Everything felt really great between us. But we haven’t even mentioned getting married lately, and quite often I feel as though you’re a million miles away. Or is it me? I’m not sure.’

Phoebe took a large gulp of wine. ‘I don’t feel distant, but I do feel tired, and I’m worried about the practice.

Being an older mum’s harder, but I adore Lily.

It’s amazing being a mum, but sometimes I think I’m rubbish at it, but when I’m at work I feel like I’m still the old Phoebe and then I feel guilty for feeling like that. ’

He swallowed. She could see his Adam’s apple bobbing. ‘Oh, Pheebs, I feel like that too. I thought it was just me.’

‘It’s not, Sam.’ She blinked. She felt close to tears.

Sam looked stricken.

‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’ He reached across the table for her hand, but she moved just before he could make contact, searching for a tissue.

* * *

Wordlessly, Sam pulled a mini pack of tissues from his back pocket. He’d taken to carrying them around for baby accidents. He handed her the packet and she pulled out several, dropping some on the table in the process, and blew her nose.

‘Can we go home, Sam?’

‘Of course we can.’ He was aware that she was glancing around, as if she was scared other people might have noticed her tears, but no one was looking their way. Everyone else was too wrapped up in their own worlds to be interested in them.

He sought desperately for a way to retrieve the situation.

This was supposed to be a happy date night and he’d ruined it somehow.

He’d wanted to share his uncertainty about being a new parent but he hadn’t wanted to highlight her uncertainty.

He hadn’t even known she had any. Maybe his parents had a point about not digging around in feelings, but just letting things be.

He tried to catch Phoebe’s hand as they headed for the door, but she was walking just ahead of him. What had just happened? All he had done was to try to start an honest conversation, but it had backfired spectacularly.

They’d got to the car park before Sam heard a voice and running footsteps behind them.

‘Sir. I think you’ve forgotten to pay.’ A barmaid’s breathless voice reached him, and he turned to see her trying to catch up.

‘Oh, God, I’m so sorry.’ Sam patted his jacket pocket, located his wallet and was pulling it out when Phoebe, who’d also stopped when she heard the barmaid’s voice, stepped in front of him. She pulled out a handful of ten-pound notes and passed them to the barmaid.

‘That should cover it. Keep the change.’ Brushing aside the girl’s thanks, she turned abruptly and continued across the car park, and Sam felt he had no choice except to follow.

But he felt emasculated now too, not to mention slightly sick.

A few seconds later, he let them both into Phoebe’s Lexus and got into the driver’s seat.

He had cocked that up spectacularly. He had meant to make things better, not worse.

Now Phoebe clearly thought he was accusing her of being distant, but he hadn’t meant it like that.

He’d just meant to start an honest conversation.

As he drew through the open five-bar gate onto the hardstanding at the front of Puddleduck Farm, he racked his brains about what to do. Doing any more talking tonight didn’t seem like an option. But going to bed with all this hanging between them wasn’t an option either.

* * *

‘You’re home early.’ Maggie met them at the kitchen door. ‘I wasn’t expecting you back for at least another hour. Were you missing your little one? She’s been as good as gold.’

‘We were, weren’t we, Sam?’ Phoebe’s voice sounded perfectly normal now and she looked at Sam for back-up, her eyes pleading with him not to contradict her.

‘Yeah, and we’re quite tired.’ He yawned as Phoebe bent to pat Roxie, who’d come to greet her.

Tiny and Buster were both asleep by the Aga, a position they’d spent a lot of time in when they’d lived here permanently and took up again every time they came to visit.

Even Snowball was in for a change – curled up in a fluffy black ball on a kitchen chair out of range of the dogs and looking perfectly content.

Sam swallowed an ache in his throat and wished he could stop envying his cat.

‘Then we shall get off and let you two get to bed.’ Maggie didn’t seem to have noticed anything amiss. She gathered up Eddie, who’d been sitting at the kitchen table, called to her dogs, and gave Roxie a stroke and Phoebe a hug.

‘We’ll see you next time.’ Then she looked keenly at Sam, and he knew that she had noticed. But she was being diplomatic. That was unusual for Maggie.

He saw them out and then went back into the kitchen.

Phoebe was making up Lily’s nighttime bottle and didn’t look at him, so he went to stand beside her.

‘I know we need to talk some more, but I really am exhausted, Sam. Do you mind if we do it another time?’

‘Of course I don’t mind.’ He put his arms around her from behind and to his relief she relaxed into his hug.

Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought. He knew they were both tired.

There had been so many changes lately. So maybe it had just been his timing that was out.

He resolved to try harder. More than anything in the world he wanted to be the supportive partner and caring dad that Phoebe and Lily deserved.

Everything else was secondary to that. They were all that mattered to him.